Overwhelming sadness

I lost my mother on November 11, 2009, just 1 day short of 7 weeks after she was diagnosed with AML. I miss her so much but the last several days have been horrible for me.... I am overwhelmed with sadness, not depression but sadness. I cry a LOT. I don't understand why this hit me so hard now. I was with mom throughout the illness as well as during the "process" of dying, right up until the minute she passed. I was almost numb at first but had a pressing need to do things, anything, just to keep busy. That helped. Yes, I cried during the weeks that followed but nothing like what I am experiencing now. Does anyone have any advice as to how I get past this? WHY this is happening now, 6 weeks after mom's death?

While shopping with a friend the other day I stopped in my tracks and told her that nothing seemed real.... all the hustle and bustle going on around us did not feel real. I know sadness is to be expected, but this has been horrible.

Lauran

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Permalink Reply by Eda Negron-Oliver on December 22, 2009 at 11:33am

I'm sorry for your loss and I understand. I lost my Dad to throat cancer on October 17, 2009. I too was with him through the process, what a horrible word, up until the end. His last breath is still with me, I remember it pushing my hair away from my face.
I coped by going to work immediately and it helped. Lately, like you I am overwhelmed by sadness and I can't explain it. I cry a lot, can't sleep and just feel generally lonely even with people around. I want him back, that is all my mind tells me and I know it's not possible but it's how I feel.
I guess we have not let ourselves feel the full impact of the event, at least it's what I believe. I have buried myself in work, menial tasks and PS3 games; anything not to miss him but sometimes it's just not possible.
Our brains are very complex and has a funny way of purging information, especially memories. Maybe it's your mind's way of helping you let go and purging the bad feelings you are burying. I found out burying all of this is not good for my overall health, it's not good for you either. My doctor says it's OK to cry, even a lot, it helps ease the pain a bit, as well as helping with relieving some of the stress we are feeling.
I hope you start feeling better soon.

Permalink Reply by manuela smith on December 22, 2009 at 7:30pm

dearest lauren i did the same thinks yes it is normalit is all so fresh please give your self some time and dont think one minute that itis not we never allow r selfs to grieve becouse that meanswe have to exept it and we know it is so but yust maybe iam yust dreaming you will get a bit better everyday and i will listen to you if you need to talk god bless you

Permalink Reply by Lauran on December 24, 2009 at 10:39am

Maneula.... Tomorrow, Christmas, is the day I most dread. Christmas was mom's favorite holiday and it will never be the same again without her. Just thinking about it makes me cry and cry.... I really wish it wouldn't come this year.

From diagnosis of AML until mom's death, we only had 6 weeks and 6 days to be together, to even adjust to the fact that at stage 5 at the time of diagnosis, mom had little time left, then she was gone. I'm still not ready and it's already too late.

Mom hated hospitals so we didn't allow her to be admitted.... she died at home just one lousy minute after I stepped outside. I hadn't left her side except for a few minutes here and there and she died one minute after I stepped outside. That still hurts me so much. I had promised her I'd not leave her and I feel like I let her down. One minute. Talk about wanting to change a moment in time.... that would be the moment I changed.

>

Every single morning, no matter how bad mom felt, she'd almost sing "good morning" the minute she saw you. I miss "good morning" a lot. There were days that it kind of annoyed me because I'd had a bad night sleep, the cat woke me up... you know, things that in the big picture are so little. I regret not always having appreciated mom's happy spirit in the morning. God I miss her.

I've attached a couple of pictures taken after mom's diagnosis, they were taken 2-4 weeks before mom died. Even then, she shone like a beacon of light... mom KNEW she was dying, she was sick and yet this, was mom. The doctor had told us to make mom's 90th birthday her best because it would be her last, she was right as mom passed just two days after she turned 90. Anyway, my sisters were both here from out of town so we had a small surprise b-day party. The party was on October 20, these photos were taken that day.

>

Thank you all for giving me a place to express myself and for supporting me.

Lauran

Permalink Reply by manuela smith on December 24, 2009 at 5:31pm

dear lauren iam so very sorry you feel that way but i undestand i lost my beloved mom and it is a very sad lingerin pain but let me tell you she knows that you so very sad and yet she is smiling becouse she is all better now and knows the time we have here on earth is only short and you will be back whis mom i want you to know that you did not lose her you yust give her back to god is hurting i know but you are never alone even wen you feel you rgive it some time dearest and you will get stronger each day and one day you can smile more and i believe you mamma will be allways proud of you you have a big heart and so much more to offer so dearest never give up i truly know how hard it is to be alone but i believe as long as you have a candle lit you will find your way out of the darkniss god blessed you and your mom and everyone that is in your famile love and my heart is whis you manuela a friend

Permalink Reply by manuela smith on December 24, 2009 at 5:40pm

dearest lauren you have a beutyfull mom and please dont be sad about christmas you have to go on for you and for all of us you know we all feel the same iam yust as alone as all of you but i will be here if you want to talk to me and iam a good listener heee better than my typing but lauren may i tell you something wen you steped out for one minute and mom left do you know why

becouse she wantet it she had a hard time to let go becouse she wantet you but also wantet to go home it suppose to be easier on you my mom did that so do not feel guilt it was to happen sweety please know your mamma is happy

Lauran said:

Maneula.... Tomorrow, Christmas, is the day I most dread. Christmas was mom's favorite holiday and it will never be the same again without her. Just thinking about it makes me cry and cry.... I really wish it wouldn't come this year.

From diagnosis of AML until mom's death, we only had 6 weeks and 6 days to be together, to even adjust to the fact that at stage 5 at the time of diagnosis, mom had little time left, then she was gone. I'm still not ready and it's already too late.

Mom hated hospitals so we didn't allow her to be admitted.... she died at home just one lousy minute after I stepped outside. I hadn't left her side except for a few minutes here and there and she died one minute after I stepped outside. That still hurts me so much. I had promised her I'd not leave her and I feel like I let her down. One minute. Talk about wanting to change a moment in time.... that would be the moment I changed.

>

Every single morning, no matter how bad mom felt, she'd almost sing "good morning" the minute she saw you. I miss "good morning" a lot. There were days that it kind of annoyed me because I'd had a bad night sleep, the cat woke me up... you know, things that in the big picture are so little. I regret not always having appreciated mom's happy spirit in the morning. God I miss her.

I've attached a couple of pictures taken after mom's diagnosis, they were taken 2-4 weeks before mom died. Even then, she shone like a beacon of light... mom KNEW she was dying, she was sick and yet this, was mom. The doctor had told us to make mom's 90th birthday her best because it would be her last, she was right as mom passed just two days after she turned 90. Anyway, my sisters were both here from out of town so we had a small surprise b-day party. The party was on October 20, these photos were taken that day.

>

Thank you all for giving me a place to express myself and for supporting me.

Lauran

Permalink Reply by manuela smith on December 24, 2009 at 6:19pm

Dearest Lauren, I want to give you a little gift of my sincere hope that it will helps you through the darkness.

"If Love would have kept you here, you would have stayed forever."

manuela smith said:

dearest lauren you have a beutyfull mom and please dont be sad about christmas you have to go on for you and for all of us you know we all feel the same iam yust as alone as all of you but i will be here if you want to talk to me and iam a good listener heee better than my typing but lauren may i tell you something wen you steped out for one minute and mom left do you know why

becouse she wantet it she had a hard time to let go becouse she wantet you but also wantet to go home it suppose to be easier on you my mom did that so do not feel guilt it was to happen sweety please know your mamma is happy

Lauran said:

Maneula.... Tomorrow, Christmas, is the day I most dread. Christmas was mom's favorite holiday and it will never be the same again without her. Just thinking about it makes me cry and cry.... I really wish it wouldn't come this year.

From diagnosis of AML until mom's death, we only had 6 weeks and 6 days to be together, to even adjust to the fact that at stage 5 at the time of diagnosis, mom had little time left, then she was gone. I'm still not ready and it's already too late.

Mom hated hospitals so we didn't allow her to be admitted.... she died at home just one lousy minute after I stepped outside. I hadn't left her side except for a few minutes here and there and she died one minute after I stepped outside. That still hurts me so much. I had promised her I'd not leave her and I feel like I let her down. One minute. Talk about wanting to change a moment in time.... that would be the moment I changed.

>

Every single morning, no matter how bad mom felt, she'd almost sing "good morning" the minute she saw you. I miss "good morning" a lot. There were days that it kind of annoyed me because I'd had a bad night sleep, the cat woke me up... you know, things that in the big picture are so little. I regret not always having appreciated mom's happy spirit in the morning. God I miss her.

I've attached a couple of pictures taken after mom's diagnosis, they were taken 2-4 weeks before mom died. Even then, she shone like a beacon of light... mom KNEW she was dying, she was sick and yet this, was mom. The doctor had told us to make mom's 90th birthday her best because it would be her last, she was right as mom passed just two days after she turned 90. Anyway, my sisters were both here from out of town so we had a small surprise b-day party. The party was on October 20, these photos were taken that day.

>

Thank you all for giving me a place to express myself and for supporting me.

Lauran

Permalink Reply by Lauran on December 24, 2009 at 6:51pm

Manuela, this was beautiful, thank you.

"If Love would have kept you here, you would have stayed forever."

manuela smith said:

Dearest Lauren, I want to give you a little gift of my sincere hope that it will helps you through the darkness.

"If Love would have kept you here, you would have stayed forever."

manuela smith said:
dearest lauren you have a beutyfull mom and please dont be sad about christmas you have to go on for you and for all of us you know we all feel the same iam yust as alone as all of you but i will be here if you want to talk to me and iam a good listener heee better than my typing but lauren may i tell you something wen you steped out for one minute and mom left do you know why

becouse she wantet it she had a hard time to let go becouse she wantet you but also wantet to go home it suppose to be easier on you my mom did that so do not feel guilt it was to happen sweety please know your mamma is happy

Lauran said:

Maneula.... Tomorrow, Christmas, is the day I most dread. Christmas was mom's favorite holiday and it will never be the same again without her. Just thinking about it makes me cry and cry.... I really wish it wouldn't come this year.

From diagnosis of AML until mom's death, we only had 6 weeks and 6 days to be together, to even adjust to the fact that at stage 5 at the time of diagnosis, mom had little time left, then she was gone. I'm still not ready and it's already too late.

Mom hated hospitals so we didn't allow her to be admitted.... she died at home just one lousy minute after I stepped outside. I hadn't left her side except for a few minutes here and there and she died one minute after I stepped outside. That still hurts me so much. I had promised her I'd not leave her and I feel like I let her down. One minute. Talk about wanting to change a moment in time.... that would be the moment I changed.

>

Every single morning, no matter how bad mom felt, she'd almost sing "good morning" the minute she saw you. I miss "good morning" a lot. There were days that it kind of annoyed me because I'd had a bad night sleep, the cat woke me up... you know, things that in the big picture are so little. I regret not always having appreciated mom's happy spirit in the morning. God I miss her.

I've attached a couple of pictures taken after mom's diagnosis, they were taken 2-4 weeks before mom died. Even then, she shone like a beacon of light... mom KNEW she was dying, she was sick and yet this, was mom. The doctor had told us to make mom's 90th birthday her best because it would be her last, she was right as mom passed just two days after she turned 90. Anyway, my sisters were both here from out of town so we had a small surprise b-day party. The party was on October 20, these photos were taken that day.

>

Thank you all for giving me a place to express myself and for supporting me.

Lauran

Permalink Reply by margaret on December 24, 2009 at 7:34pm

Lauran,
The first year back in 1978 we a family of 13 kids wanted to boycott Christmas . At the last moment, everyone changed their minds and the house was full on Christmas Eve. I was only 18 and now I'm 49.
That first year together without her and also we lost Dad the year before in 1977 we just all sat around just looking at each other trying to even grasp what that meant to our family unit. It was tough and I could cry a river about it. Tonight they are in heaven and just smiling down on me. Angels they are.
Margaret

Permalink Reply by Lauran on December 24, 2009 at 9:02pm

I suspect part of what makes this so hard this year is that both of my sisters live far away, one sister lives in Virginia, another in Switzerland and my kids, 25 and 39 both live in Iowa... as do my grandchildren. That leaves Christmas pretty empty here in CA where it's just my father and I.

Margaret you were so young when you lost your parents and I'm so sorry... it has to be really rough to be so young when your parents die. I am glad however, that you have 12 siblings, I'm sure in some ways that helped. You all had each other and that you pulled together as a family and made Christmas happen is a true gift from your parents.... they raised a family not just children.

Today I had a meltdown... a neighbor that has been out of the country for 14 weeks just returned and today asked how mom was. That's such a hard question, it breaks the floodgates every time.

May God bless each of you...

Lauran

margaret said:

Lauran,
The first year back in 1978 we a family of 13 kids wanted to boycott Christmas . At the last moment, everyone changed their minds and the house was full on Christmas Eve. I was only 18 and now I'm 49.
That first year together without her and also we lost Dad the year before in 1977 we just all sat around just looking at each other trying to even grasp what that meant to our family unit. It was tough and I could cry a river about it. Tonight they are in heaven and just smiling down on me. Angels they are.
Margaret

Permalink Reply by Missing Momma on December 24, 2009 at 9:02pm

I am so sorry for your pain......and I feel horrible right now....I read your comment that you had only 6 weeks and 6 days after diagnosis......and was jealous! I had only 6 days with my mom.........my god it took her so darn fast....and then I read about the beautiful party you had for her when she turned 90 and instantly thought - my mom just turned 65, how lucky you were to have her 25 years more than I had mine.....I feel petty by saying this, but I guess what I am trying to say is that I suppose no matter how long (or brief) of a time we have, I am sure it is never enough....and I am sure you would still feel the same had your mom been lucky enough to live to be 100....and with that I reminded myself that if my mom had lived to be 90 and I had been lucky enough to have 6 weeks and 6 days, i would still feel exactly the same way I feel right now, that it wasn't long enough!!

I love looking at pictures and am sure you cherish the beautiful ones you posted of your mother...what a radiant and beautiful woman she was...and according to you, with a wonderful sunny disposition to boot!!!

You know I keep expecting to see my mom - its been 11 days now and sometimes when I first wake up I want to call her...and when I come home I want to call her (she had all of us kids call her to "check in" when we drove home, to make sure we got home safely) She has this voicemail on her phone and it says "Hi this is your mother....or Pearl...I must be in a spot right now where I can't take calls, so sorry we can't talk now".

I keep calling it over and over and some of it makes me laugh, I am like, "you are right now momma you are in heaven and that is a spot that you can't take my call from" and how she instinctively identifies herself as mom first and Pearl second. And yes I think how sorry I also am that we can't talk now.

I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug right now.

and I wish I could get one of those hugs from my mom right now

Mary

Permalink Reply by Lauran on December 24, 2009 at 9:25pm

Mary, I understand everything you expressed and I'm so very sorry you only had 9 days. It sucks no matter how many days or weeks we have. When I hear "You should be glad your mother lived to be 90" I want to scream.... her living to be 90 sure didn't make her loss easier. Yes, I was fortunate to have her for each of my 60 years, but honest, it didn't make things easier. That said, I can also understand that you losing your mother so young may have even been harder in a way, at 90, you don't expect a person to live forever but at 65, you still anticipate many more years together.

I know we will all get through this and I know it will get easier with time but I don't think there will ever be a day that we don't miss our parent.(s)

Eda... I was just reading your post again and am thankful that you expressed what a horrible word "process" is in regard to dying... granted, it is a process but hospice and doctors should really try to come up with a better way of expressing it.

How many of you had hospice? Do you mind sharing your thoughts about it? I'd really like to hear what others experienced. I too, will share.

Lauran

Missing Momma said:

I am so sorry for your pain......and I feel horrible right now....I read your comment that you had only 6 weeks and 6 days after diagnosis......and was jealous! I had only 9 days with my mom.........my god it took her so darn fast....and then I read about the beautiful party you had for her when she turned 90 and instantly thought - my mom just turned 65, how lucky you were to have her 25 years more than I had mine.....I feel petty by saying this, but I guess what I am trying to say is that I suppose no matter how long (or brief) of a time we have, I am sure it is never enough....and I am sure you would still feel the same had your mom been lucky enough to live to be 100....and with that I reminded myself that if my mom had lived to be 90 and I had been lucky enough to have 6 weeks and 6 days, i would still feel exactly the same way I feel right now, that it wasn't long enough!!

I love looking at pictures and am sure you cherish the beautiful ones you posted of your mother...what a radiant and beautiful woman she was...and according to you, with a wonderful sunny disposition to boot!!!

You know I keep expecting to see my mom - its been 11 days now and sometimes when I first wake up I want to call her...and when I come home I want to call her (she had all of us kids call her to "check in" when we drove home, to make sure we got home safely) She has this voicemail on her phone and it says "Hi this is your mother....or Pearl...I must be in a spot right now where I can't take calls, so sorry we can't talk now".

I keep calling it over and over and some of it makes me laugh, I am like, "you are right now momma you are in heaven and that is a spot that you can't take my call from" and how she instinctively identifies herself as mom first and Pearl second.

I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you a big hug right now.

and I wish I could get one of those hugs from my mom right now

Mary

Permalink Reply by DOROTHY SHAH on December 25, 2009 at 9:18am

i know how you feel my mom died on the 21st of nov and i miss her so much i want her back i spend so much time with her when she got ill .she was treated really bad in a nursing home before being attimed back in to hospital and the day she died i was with her and just popped to the bathroom and she passsed away before igot back i beat my self up over this and it wasonly after that i thuoght that my daer mom did not want me to see her last breath god only gives you want you can deal with