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i know how you feel my mom died on the 21st of nov and i miss her so much i want her back i spend so much time with her when she got ill .she was treated really bad in a nursing home before being attimed back in to hospital and the day she died i was with her and just popped to the bathroom and she passsed away before igot back i beat my self up over this and it wasonly after that i thuoght that my daer mom did not want me to see her last breath god only gives you want you can deal with
Lauran, I think that talking with you has so far been the best thing that has happened to me in regards to dealing with my own grief, I read what you said, " When I hear "You should be glad your mother lived to be 90" I want to scream.... her living to be 90 sure didn't make her loss easier."
And it made me really think.....if I would have been lucky enough to have had my mom for another 25 years, then while it seems impossible to love her any more then I already do, that my love would have continued to grow and deepen over those years......so I can also see how her living to 90 would probably make the loss even harder to deal with......25 more years of memories, moments, habits formed, rituals carried out, leaving an even deeper whole in your day to day life.
I told you and do
You know sweetie, it's hard to lose a mom at any age. You asked questions and I am going to try to answer. Please though, do not feel petty having said what you did.... it's just that I heard it so often I honestly wanted to scream. Truth. I didn't mean to make you feel bad and I apologize if I did. Bottom line, I don't think we are ever ready to lose our moms, period.
Yes, every time I sit down and write to you the tears flow... I think in a way this is healing but it sure hurts in the process.
My last days with mom were much like yours, she was in a lot of pain but her eyes were closed most of the time and she also had days where she made no sense. The hospice nurse told us that the way your and my mom were acting was not pain, but rather the "process" of dying, not fighting to live. Did they give you the little blue book called "Gone From My Sight"? That became our bible of sorts, it explained things so well. I read it first the very first day hospice came in and when I finished I looked at the nurse and said, "Mom's at the 1-2 week stage, isn't she?" Yes, she was. It was actually one week. Anyway, that booklet explained everything that would happen pretty well. The book also said the "pain" was really the body trying to shut down and die, so again, the word "process" came in. I think I now hate that word.
Mom also talked to people I couldn't see, even with her eyes closed, she'd point and tell someone things.... most times I couldn't understand her but one statement was clear as a bell and will stay with me forever. She pointed past the foot of the bed and smiled, then said, "Look at all the smiling faces". I'd like to think she had a glimpse of Heaven at that moment.
Hospice had mom taking morphine and methadone drops, did your mother have those drugs too? Some days, I felt like I was killing her with the kindness of medication intended for pain relief but I was assured over and over that the dose was very low and even if I had given her the entire bottle it would not have killed her but still, it felt like that's what I was doing every time I gave it to her.
I don't think my mother realized she was dying either. When she did have lucid times of sorts, she'd want to get up, go potty and so on. I'd remind her that she'd BEEN very sick and was weak and we had to wait for the nurse. "Oh, OK" was her stock response and then she'd drift a bit again.
One thing mom LOVED up until 48 hours before her death was a tablespoon of peppermint ice cream... I'd feed it to her on a baby spoon just a tiny bit at a time and she'd "Mmmmm" with every bite. It seemed to give her so much pleasure to have that tiny bit of ice cream. (You asked if I cry when I write, I'm sobbing.)
Please email me at lilyswawan@gmail.com I think I can handle this better that way. Yes, I do have other photos and will send them or post them soon. I loved all the pictures of your mother too, she was a beautiful lady.
Hugs..
Missing Momma said:Lauran, I think that talking with you has so far been the best thing that has happened to me in regards to dealing with my own grief, I read what you said, " When I hear "You should be glad your mother lived to be 90" I want to scream.... her living to be 90 sure didn't make her loss easier."
And it made me really think.....if I would have been lucky enough to have had my mom for another 25 years, then while it seems impossible to love her any more then I already do, that my love would have continued to grow and deepen over those years......so I can also see how her living to 90 would probably make the loss even harder to deal with......25 more years of memories, moments, habits formed, rituals carried out, leaving an even deeper whole in your day to day life.
I told you and do
Dear Lauran,
I lost my Mom April 15, 2009. reading what you wrote was like I was writing it. I went to the cemetary for Christmas. All the way there I thought I would have to go to the hospital. It was like it happened all over again. I could not believe she was gone. It all felt like a dream. Horrible is the word that I used also. I have two friends that both lost their mom 6 years ago. They say it does get a little easier. I can't see how. It has been 9 months for me I think she is still going to come home at times. I think by getting support like you are is the only way you will feel better. For me to Hear that other people feel the same way helps me know that I am not crazy. That these feelings are normal. I wish I had more answers for you. Keep reaching out. I am here and will be a new friend. It sounds like we could help each other.
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