Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lauran on December 25, 2009 at 1:04pm

Dorothy, I'm so sorry that you've also lost your mother!

I've been told 50 times that mom waited for me to leave the room so I didn't see her take her last breath and maybe that's true. I still feel guilty though and yes, I also miss mom so much. Today is harder than I ever thought it could be.

Hugs to you all this Christmas day!

Lauran

DOROTHY SHAH said:

i know how you feel my mom died on the 21st of nov and i miss her so much i want her back i spend so much time with her when she got ill .she was treated really bad in a nursing home before being attimed back in to hospital and the day she died i was with her and just popped to the bathroom and she passsed away before igot back i beat my self up over this and it wasonly after that i thuoght that my daer mom did not want me to see her last breath god only gives you want you can deal with

Permalink Reply by Missing Momma on December 25, 2009 at 3:24pm

Lauran, I think that talking with you has so far been the best thing that has happened to me in regards to dealing with my own grief, I read what you said, " When I hear "You should be glad your mother lived to be 90" I want to scream.... her living to be 90 sure didn't make her loss easier."

And it made me really think.....if I would have been lucky enough to have had my mom for another 25 years, while it seems impossible to love her any more then I already do, that my love would have continued to grow and deepen even more over those years......so I can also see how her living to 90 would probably make the loss even harder to deal with......25 more years of memories, moments, habits formed, rituals carried out, leaving an even deeper whole in your day to day life.

I told you and do mean that I felt petty even saying that.....but I was trying to be honest with my feelings and right now I would give just about anything to have 25 more minutes with her.

Every time I write you I end up with tears running down my face, is it the same for you? Last night I meant to address you missing her last breath. I was there when my mom took her final one....but she wasn't aware of it. She walked into that hospital on a Monday, somewhat tired, but on her on volition. After having two procedures done (one was a camera inserted via her mouth to assess if the cancer was indeed in her pancreas, the second was done after confirming this and was a numbing agent put on the bundle of nerves surrounding her pancreas. Mom said it felt like she was in labor and the hope was to stop the pain) and being told there was no cure, we left the hospital on Wednesday. When we got home Wednesday it took two of us to carry her in the house....she could no longer walk. On Thursday she appeared to become very confused and often didn't make sense....the operation for her pain didn't appear to help. Mom had eight of us kids (four surviving) and with her confusion and the "labor pains" on Friday she began asking us "where is the baby?" and I am sure she thought she had given birth yet again. She spoke less and less on Friday, however that was the day that she told my sister that she loved us kids so very much and that everything was going to be alright. By Saturday Mom no longer spoke....she hadn't urinated in two days. It appeared as if she was in pain, but the hospice nurse said that the labored breathing wasn't a result of pain, but of her fighting to stay alive. Saturday was horrible in many ways, a sense of finality set in and my younger brother and myself went from clinging for a glimmer of hope, to praying that mom would pass soon as what we saw in front of us was no type of a life at all. We also did hospice and I will come back later to talk about that. If you'll have me : )

One of her eyes stayed open and turned to the right and the other just appeared to stare into nothing. She made no response to us at all. When her breathing became "fishlike" as the hospice woman told us and her blood pressure would no longer register we knew it was a matter of moments. On Sunday morning we all gathered around her...my stepdad Joe, my sister Debbie, sister Frances, myself, my oldest daughter Christina, my brother Ed and mom's best friend "Aunt Judy". She took a breath....after another 10 seconds she took another and then: no more. A part inside of me was saying, "c'mon Momma, c'mon Momma" but there were no more breaths.

Lauran I honestly do not believe that my mom realized she was dying (that quickly for sure) things went at lightening speed. I don't believe that she was aware of anything from Friday until she died on Sunday morning.

In saying this, think back.....how aware was your mom? Was she like mine in the end? I would like to think of my mom's last breath was when she was with me and aware. Hopefully at those final moments they are unaware, but I am quite sure Lauran that your mom's last AWARE thoughts were with you in them and to me that is what counts. Mary

Permalink Reply by Missing Momma on December 25, 2009 at 3:36pm

Hmmm, I must be talking to long, it keeps cutting off my ending. Do you have any more photos of your mom you can post? I love the one of her with the birthday card, it is breathtaking.

Here is a favorite one of mine

Permalink Reply by Lauran on December 26, 2009 at 12:04am

You know sweetie, it's hard to lose a mom at any age. You asked questions and I am going to try to answer. Please though, do not feel petty having said what you did.... it's just that I heard it so often I honestly wanted to scream. Truth. I didn't mean to make you feel bad and I apologize if I did. Bottom line, I don't think we are ever ready to lose our moms, period.

Yes, every time I sit down and write to you the tears flow... I think in a way this is healing but it sure hurts in the process.

My last days with mom were much like yours, she was in a lot of pain but her eyes were closed most of the time and she also had days where she made no sense. The hospice nurse told us that the way your and my mom were acting was not pain, but rather the "process" of dying, not fighting to live. Did they give you the little blue book called "Gone From My Sight"? That became our bible of sorts, it explained things so well. I read it first the very first day hospice came in and when I finished I looked at the nurse and said, "Mom's at the 1-2 week stage, isn't she?" Yes, she was. It was actually one week. Anyway, that booklet explained everything that would happen pretty well. The book also said the "pain" was really the body trying to shut down and die, so again, the word "process" came in. I think I now hate that word.

Mom also talked to people I couldn't see, even with her eyes closed, she'd point and tell someone things.... most times I couldn't understand her but one statement was clear as a bell and will stay with me forever. She pointed past the foot of the bed and smiled, then said, "Look at all the smiling faces". I'd like to think she had a glimpse of Heaven at that moment.

Hospice had mom taking morphine and methadone drops, did your mother have those drugs too? Some days, I felt like I was killing her with the kindness of medication intended for pain relief but I was assured over and over that the dose was very low and even if I had given her the entire bottle it would not have killed her but still, it felt like that's what I was doing every time I gave it to her.

I don't think my mother realized she was dying either. When she did have lucid times of sorts, she'd want to get up, go potty and so on. I'd remind her that she'd BEEN very sick and was weak and we had to wait for the nurse. "Oh, OK" was her stock response and then she'd drift a bit again.

One thing mom LOVED up until 48 hours before her death was a tablespoon of peppermint ice cream... I'd feed it to her on a baby spoon just a tiny bit at a time and she'd "Mmmmm" with every bite. It seemed to give her so much pleasure to have that tiny bit of ice cream. (You asked if I cry when I write, I'm sobbing.)

Please email me at lilyswawan@gmail.com I think I can handle this better that way. Yes, I do have other photos and will send them or post them soon. I loved all the pictures of your mother too, she was a beautiful lady.

Hugs..

Missing Momma said:

Lauran, I think that talking with you has so far been the best thing that has happened to me in regards to dealing with my own grief, I read what you said, " When I hear "You should be glad your mother lived to be 90" I want to scream.... her living to be 90 sure didn't make her loss easier."

And it made me really think.....if I would have been lucky enough to have had my mom for another 25 years, then while it seems impossible to love her any more then I already do, that my love would have continued to grow and deepen over those years......so I can also see how her living to 90 would probably make the loss even harder to deal with......25 more years of memories, moments, habits formed, rituals carried out, leaving an even deeper whole in your day to day life.

I told you and do

Permalink Reply by monica on December 26, 2009 at 12:20am

you lost your mother 4 days before i lost my dad, i can say 1 thing..it hasnt gotten any easier for me.. but talking to people here, helps a little..i miss dad so much that i am still angry..think of your memeories with your mom..take 1 day at a time...u know its hard especially with the holidays and all..may god bless you..monica

Permalink Reply by manuela smith on December 26, 2009 at 8:53pm

gear lauren iam so happy that you got to say good by i was not able to my sister would not let me come home i only had the telephone mom was in a coma but i talked to mom 3 4 times a day finely i had to tell her is ok mama you go home i will be ok well iam not we allways talked a lot but the day befor my mama cept saying ela do not call me tomorrow i will be very busy she repetet this so much that i ask mama you ok right you would tell me if something is wrong and she sayd ela iam fine i phttp://www.connect.legacy.com/group/lossofaparent/forum/topic/show?groupUrl=lossofaparent&id=1984035%3ATopic%3A32192&groupId=1984035%3AGroup%3A18274&page=2#romisse and she told me to be good and she loved me on that day my cat she has given to my son 7 years befor past on the same day i trid to call mam but there would be no anwsers and i got so fear full i yelled at her to pick up the phone ohh god she was not able to and i yelled at her i cant deal whis that 6 month later my brother peter left to go to her most of everyone is gone i cant remember anything of my brother i did have a small strocke so again i could not say goodby so bless all of you that you had the gift to say good by thank you for litening bless you all

Lauran said:

You know sweetie, it's hard to lose a mom at any age. You asked questions and I am going to try to answer. Please though, do not feel petty having said what you did.... it's just that I heard it so often I honestly wanted to scream. Truth. I didn't mean to make you feel bad and I apologize if I did. Bottom line, I don't think we are ever ready to lose our moms, period.

Yes, every time I sit down and write to you the tears flow... I think in a way this is healing but it sure hurts in the process.

My last days with mom were much like yours, she was in a lot of pain but her eyes were closed most of the time and she also had days where she made no sense. The hospice nurse told us that the way your and my mom were acting was not pain, but rather the "process" of dying, not fighting to live. Did they give you the little blue book called "Gone From My Sight"? That became our bible of sorts, it explained things so well. I read it first the very first day hospice came in and when I finished I looked at the nurse and said, "Mom's at the 1-2 week stage, isn't she?" Yes, she was. It was actually one week. Anyway, that booklet explained everything that would happen pretty well. The book also said the "pain" was really the body trying to shut down and die, so again, the word "process" came in. I think I now hate that word.

Mom also talked to people I couldn't see, even with her eyes closed, she'd point and tell someone things.... most times I couldn't understand her but one statement was clear as a bell and will stay with me forever. She pointed past the foot of the bed and smiled, then said, "Look at all the smiling faces". I'd like to think she had a glimpse of Heaven at that moment.

Hospice had mom taking morphine and methadone drops, did your mother have those drugs too? Some days, I felt like I was killing her with the kindness of medication intended for pain relief but I was assured over and over that the dose was very low and even if I had given her the entire bottle it would not have killed her but still, it felt like that's what I was doing every time I gave it to her.

I don't think my mother realized she was dying either. When she did have lucid times of sorts, she'd want to get up, go potty and so on. I'd remind her that she'd BEEN very sick and was weak and we had to wait for the nurse. "Oh, OK" was her stock response and then she'd drift a bit again.

One thing mom LOVED up until 48 hours before her death was a tablespoon of peppermint ice cream... I'd feed it to her on a baby spoon just a tiny bit at a time and she'd "Mmmmm" with every bite. It seemed to give her so much pleasure to have that tiny bit of ice cream. (You asked if I cry when I write, I'm sobbing.)

Please email me at lilyswawan@gmail.com I think I can handle this better that way. Yes, I do have other photos and will send them or post them soon. I loved all the pictures of your mother too, she was a beautiful lady.

Hugs..

Missing Momma said:

Lauran, I think that talking with you has so far been the best thing that has happened to me in regards to dealing with my own grief, I read what you said, " When I hear "You should be glad your mother lived to be 90" I want to scream.... her living to be 90 sure didn't make her loss easier."

And it made me really think.....if I would have been lucky enough to have had my mom for another 25 years, then while it seems impossible to love her any more then I already do, that my love would have continued to grow and deepen over those years......so I can also see how her living to 90 would probably make the loss even harder to deal with......25 more years of memories, moments, habits formed, rituals carried out, leaving an even deeper whole in your day to day life.

I told you and do

Attachments:

• Momma.jpg, 26 KB

Permalink Reply by manuela smith on December 26, 2009 at 8:55pm

Here is my Mom's picture. It didn't send right the last message. Sorry about that

Permalink Reply by manuela smith on December 26, 2009 at 8:57pm

This is my beloved, beautiful Mom. Only 75 years young when she passed

Permalink Reply by LGWilson on December 27, 2009 at 4:14am

Lauran....I was in the exact same spot.
I lost my mom on Sept. 25. I too was with her thru the entire rollercoaster of a visit, initial sickness, diagnosis, ICU, hospice, the last 3 weeks and the entire dying process. I too had intense energy to do things and then suddenly I caved and sort of just felt overwhelmed like the stuffing had been knocked out of me. Now I feel like I am sleepwalking. I can't even put into words but it is identical to how you described it...just sort of stopping in my tracks and almost catatonic at times. I can only say to you that the only comfort I have is that I have to accept that my mom is now inside of me and it is 'that' part of myself that I have to love....if that makes any sense at all.
The horrible part is at night I have the habit of calling her and then suddenly stop in my tracks when I realize I can no longer do that. I think what you are describing is the exact process of grief as I have experienced it. I have gone from crying to being angry and just overall sad. At 7 weeks I took a road trip w/a friend and we drove from Cali to Fla.....I was of no use since I was too f'd up to drive but the trip helped, if for no other reason than a distarction. I stood in the Atlantic and just tried to talk to my mom and it helped.
Please know that you are not alone and I would be happy to talk to you anytime. We are both still in our 1st 90 days with this so everything you are describing is helathy and sane and perfectly human. Big Hug to you ~ Lenny

Permalink Reply by Carla on December 27, 2009 at 10:39am

Dear Lauran,
I lost my Mom April 15, 2009. reading what you wrote was like I was writing it. I went to the cemetary for Christmas. All the way there I thought I would have to go to the hospital. It was like it happened all over again. I could not believe she was gone. It all felt like a dream. Horrible is the word that I used also. I have two friends that both lost their mom 6 years ago. They say it does get a little easier. I can't see how. It has been 9 months for me I think she is still going to come home at times. I think by getting support like you are is the only way you will feel better. For me to Hear that other people feel the same way helps me know that I am not crazy. That these feelings are normal. I wish I had more answers for you. Keep reaching out. I am here and will be a new friend. It sounds like we could help each other.

Permalink Reply by Carla on December 27, 2009 at 10:43am

Carla said:

Dear Lauran,
I lost my Mom April 15, 2009. reading what you wrote was like I was writing it. I went to the cemetary for Christmas. All the way there I thought I would have to go to the hospital. It was like it happened all over again. I could not believe she was gone. It all felt like a dream. Horrible is the word that I used also. I have two friends that both lost their mom 6 years ago. They say it does get a little easier. I can't see how. It has been 9 months for me I think she is still going to come home at times. I think by getting support like you are is the only way you will feel better. For me to Hear that other people feel the same way helps me know that I am not crazy. That these feelings are normal. I wish I had more answers for you. Keep reaching out. I am here and will be a new friend. It sounds like we could help each other.

Permalink Reply by Lauran on December 27, 2009 at 11:02am

Carla.... Hugs to you! People keep saying it gets easier and I am honestly praying that it's true. I've heard that the one year "anniversary" is one of the worst days and that it then begins to be easier. We shall see.

I am in the process of creating a forum for us that will be easier to follow than this is. I don't know about you, but I get lost in here constantly. The URL is;
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There is still a lot of work to be done on it but it's started anyway. As of January 1st, it will be ad free, but I'm not going to pay for December when there are only a few days left. My hopes are that people here will see the link, visit and share. Through all of our loss, I feel we can not only help each other but make new friends too.

Lauran

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