Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lauran on January 14, 2010 at 11:32am

Three months is a very short time. My mother died on November 11 and the pain is just about as fresh today as it was on November 11. I have friends who's parents died 10 years ago or more that still have bad days. Grief is what it is and I pray that time will make it easier, that said, I don't believe it ever completely goes away. We have all lost a parent (or both) and our parents are the only true "given" in most of our lives.... They gave us life and stood by us always. Nothing can replace that loss. Nothing.

Hugs to you...
Lauran

Permalink Reply by John Cobb on January 14, 2010 at 11:50am

Dont try and rush it , just take it one day at a time and try and keep busy. I know it is hard and I struggle every day, but I just pray it will get easier with time.

Permalink Reply by GNash on January 14, 2010 at 12:03pm

It's so hard to move through the world and pretend I'm ok. I just started graduate school (and relocated cross country for school) and I'm working (also a new environment). So I moved from the west coast to the east coast knowing only my husband here (we're 28 yrs old). I was here about 2 months before my dad died and now I don't want to go to school, do my school work or go to work. I'm doing it all because I can't just give up, but I expected that things would get easier. They just seem to be getting harder and I'm becoming more and more anxious about going through these motions.

I miss my dad so much, it knocks the wind out of me. Right now I should be working on a research proposal (which was due in November, but I was given an extension considering the circumstances) but I just keep searching the internet and can't concentrate. And I don't want to. I keep looking at pictures of my dad and reading emails he sent me. It feels like people are expecting me to be much better than I feel. I'm not sure if it's real or perceived, but I feel immense pressure at work and school. I still want to talk about how I'm feeling but no one gives me that opportunity. As far as everyone on the outside is concerned, it's like it never happened and I'm the only one who hasn't moved on (again, I know this is all my perception and not necessarily reality). I didn't have many established relationships with these folks before my dad died and they hardly know me now, save for 1 or 2 good friends I've made. I just want some normalcy.

Permalink Reply by Priceless on January 14, 2010 at 4:02pm

I am not sure if a person ever gets back to normal after a parent or parents die. It becomes a new normal. A new You, because your loved one is no longer present on earth; however they are with you in spirit and your heart. It doesn't matter whether what you are feeling is real or perceived; you feel what you feel and it is real to you. Sometimes people do not know what to say and so they act as if nothing happened. I do not think they mean it to be mean, if they have not had a loss like yours, they do not understand. A loved one may be gone from earth; however, I believe they are never out of our hearts and minds. Grief takes time and live day by day. It does ease up, it just takes awhile. Hang on to your memories and allow yourself time to grieve. Find some alone time to do this if necessary.

Permalink Reply by richard mom on January 14, 2010 at 10:58pm

you are so right your life as you knew it will never be the same.begin to sort out everything hold nothing back,that will only hold you back.time is your best friend.And one of the smartest things I've read was you can't go around it ,you can't get over it,you have to go threw it.You do what makes you feel better and know it gets worse before it gets better.For me it hurt to breath somedays.The best thing I found for myself was to write every thing I felt and thought about him,and yes sometimes I WROTE IT MORE THAN ONCE BUT IT HELPED TO KEEP IT FROM GOING OVER AND OVER ACAIN.A smell the way the sky looks,something that they like can wake your grief that was only sleeping.

Marianne said:

I am not sure if a person ever gets back to normal after a parent or parents die. It becomes a new normal. A new You, because your loved one is no longer present on earth; however they are with you in spirit and your heart. It doesn't matter whether what you are feeling is real or perceived; you feel what you feel and it is real to you. Sometimes people do not know what to say and so they act as if nothing happened. I do not think they mean it to be mean, if they have not had a loss like yours, they do not understand. A loved one may be gone from earth; however, I believe they are never out of our hearts and minds. Grief takes time and live day by day. It does ease up, it just takes awhile. Hang on to your memories and allow yourself time to grieve. Find some alone time to do this if necessary.

Permalink Reply by monica on January 15, 2010 at 9:36am

i know what you are going through.i lost my father on Nov.15th 2009..dad also was 62,i miss him so much that my heart aches so much. He is on my mind from the moment i wake until i go to sleep at night. i dont know how long the feeling lasts or will we ever get back to our selves being normal..i just try to rememeber the memeories we shared and and thank god every day for letting such a wonderful man be my father.

Permalink Reply by Kathy on January 15, 2010 at 5:43pm

Yes, you will get your normal back, but your normal will not be the same as you had before, but a new, beautiful normal that one day you will have again. Getting your normal back will take time, patience, and a lot of work. Some suggestions: Hospice Grief Counseling, counseling, Church, good friends, walk, talk, allow yourself time to cry, yell, and cry some more, talk to someone who is safe and will allow you to get out your feelings, once a week find time to give yourself a real treat...a good movie, book, getting up early to experience the sunrise, listen to the birds, smell the air, feel the breeze, be in the moment. Eventually and slowly the grief will begin to take a different direction that will leave you strong in a way that you have never experienced before. You will be empowered by the love you father left to you his legacy to you.

I lost my mother 3 years ago and it has taken me a very long time to get where I am now. I am able to smile and look at the day and see some of the beauty it can bring. Every day is a gift, every person in my life is precious and I wish for you to find the same. Take care, be patient and allow yourself to grieve, feeling good will come in time.

Permalink Reply by Billinda on January 15, 2010 at 11:06pm

You speak wise words, Marianna, and I appreciate them, and they have touched my heart, and go along with the things my "counselor" training tell me! Thanks for reminding me of those important words and thoughts at difficult times such as this! I feel you are definitely one that truly understands from where we all here are coming, and where we are trying to get to...in getting our lives back so some normalcy! Thanks for sharing! Linda

Marianne said:

I am not sure if a person ever gets back to normal after a parent or parents die. It becomes a new normal. A new You, because your loved one is no longer present on earth; however they are with you in spirit and your heart. It doesn't matter whether what you are feeling is real or perceived; you feel what you feel and it is real to you. Sometimes people do not know what to say and so they act as if nothing happened. I do not think they mean it to be mean, if they have not had a loss like yours, they do not understand. A loved one may be gone from earth; however, I believe they are never out of our hearts and minds. Grief takes time and live day by day. It does ease up, it just takes awhile. Hang on to your memories and allow yourself time to grieve. Find some alone time to do this if necessary.