It has been a year ago yesterday (Jan. 20, 2009)that I lost my mom unexpectedly. She was my best friend. We were very close and I still am having a lot of trouble forgetting that night she died. I still have nightmares, cry often, and try to replay what I could have done differently that she may be alive today. I am torn on what to do. She lived a couple of miles down the road from me. I call her every day or every other day. If you went more than two days without calling you were in the dog house. She worked at a senior citizen center for years after my dad died and she was always so funny talking about them like she wasn't one of them. I still ride by her house and think why can't I go in and see her. I often pick up the phone to tell her something but she isn't there. I just wish I could stop seeing her face when she died and I couldn't help her. I wish I could have saved her some how. We were not ready for her to go. I want the hospital to know what went on and I just want some closure. How do you get beyond all of this?

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Janet:

What happened to your mom? I lost mine as well (she was 75) on August 5, 2008 to bone cancer.
Sandy
Sandy said:
Janet:

What happened to your mom? I lost mine as well (she was 75) on August 5, 2008 to bone cancer.
Sandy
She had a history of heart problems but it has been under control for the last 8 years. She got sick that weekend and then on tha Monday I took her to the doctor. She was having trouble breathing then but she had starting throwing up that Sunday and that night coffee grounds and some blood. When we went in to the doctors office they did a EKG and called for them ambulance because she was having a mild heart attack. So we went to the hospital they did some test and then moved her to ICU heart floor to stablize and watch to try to find out why she was throwing up blood. She stablized about 12 that night, was alert, talking, and said she felt much better. You wouldn't have known anything was wrong. She was tired and ready to go home. Needless to say that things went down hill fast and that is why I (my family) is having such a hard time. She went into cardiac arrest about 3:00 and I was in there with her and they came and did all they could. The thing is that she knew something was wrong and sat up and asked be to help her 3 times before she coded and then died. She was given some medicine about 2 minutes before she started having trouble. I still blame myself because I just see her look and desperation for me to help her and I will never get that out of my mind. It has really taken a toll on my whole life. Sorry if it was so long.

Janet Davis said:
Sandy said:
Janet:

What happened to your mom? I lost mine as well (she was 75) on August 5, 2008 to bone cancer.
Sandy
Janet, my God I am so sorry! I can see and understand why this is haunting you so bad. In my mom's case, she was in the hospital awaiting her third Kyphoplasty-her back kept fracturing, just bending over to pick up a sock, or rolling the wrong way to get off of the couch. This procedure is amazing in that it was like hot glue injected into the fracture-the first two times, she was up and walking the same day. But the third fracture, they had to induce a coma as it would be several days before they could do it. When she began coming around the day of the final procedure-she woke up in a stupor, thought she had to go to the bathroom and tried to get out of bed...she ended up falling out of bed and fractured her thigh bone from her knee to her hip. She had already in the past year been through so much already (chemo, radiation, etc.) this was just one more trauma her body could not take. She was given a cast and the doctor placed her with Hospice almost immediately. She lasted maybe three more weeks after that and her body deteriorated so quickly. This is where Hospice is an absolute God-send, if you ask, they do not sugar coat anything, they are very frank, do not give false hope and let you know exactly what is happening as their system shuts down. Morphine helps with the pain, but does not eliminate it---they are given a morphine pump with a button to push (or you can push it for them) when the pain is obvious and they almost always immediately drift off to sleep. They do this to allow the patient lucid moments with their family to say good bye and prepare to pass on. When she would awaken, there were glimpses of my mom recognizing us and short periods of lucid speech-but most of the time, she would say a lot of non sensical things and at times even lash out. Oh my God did that hurt! But the nurse told me to give her 5 minutes, leave the room and when I returned it would be as if that were the first time I had been there. They told me it was the morphine talking, that she was unaware of what she was saying. I know what you are saying about watching your mom just shut down, one minute she is there, the next minute-gone. And your mind just cannot wrap itself around the reality that this cold figure in front of you no longer houses the soul of the woman that brought you into this world---the same woman you fought for your independance from, but the first one you turned back to when you figured out that independance really kind of bites-you know? :) My mom fought so hard, and yes I understand-you stand there thinking, there has to be something I can do...maybe I have the power to heal, if I just focus, maybe I can magicly google the right answers..your mind just wanders into really ridiculous places--you get angry, cry hystericaly, and then go numb and start all over again.You try avoiding everything to keep from feeling what you know you are going to feel. But, that is the worst thing you can do. You have to simply feel what you feel as it comes to you. Allow it to happen, cry when you need to, get angry when you need to, only then will you finally be able to come to terms and be at peace with what has happened. Then you make room (when you clear out the doubts, hurt and anger) to replace in the fore front of your mind and heart---all of the reasons you love her so much, what was special and wonderful and good about her. And, you can begin to have conversations with her about what is happening now, let her know how much you miss her (she hears you) and let her know she raised you with enough faith, strength and dignity, that you will carry on and make her proud and will see her again when you are called home as well. But, you cannot get to that point, until you clean house and face the very real pain, and feel your way through it---you truly need to do that for you. If I may suggest too, when I returned to my own home, I sought out a local hospice and joined their grief counseling sessions (mine meets once a month)---and they are absolutely wonderful at helping you find your way back to yourself through your grief. It is coming up on two years since I lost mom...I cried my way through writing this to you...it still hurts so bad, and I miss mom unbelievably but I feel her more and more...as I let go of the bitterness and anger, I see and feel who she was and is and that feels so much better than the anger. Hope this helps Janet, please feel free anytime you need to talk...you do me the favor of allowing me to talk back and keeping it all real and in perspective. We are both very lucky to have had these powerfull women in our hearts! God Bless! Sandy
Janet,

I am so sorry about your loss. The details about your Mother are so similar to mine. i lost my mother in November 2006 of a massive heart attack. I found her body which makes it even worse. My mom also worked at a Senior citizens day care treatment facility. She had worked their for 28 years and was age 71 at the time of death. She didn't consider herself a senior citizen either. My mom was my very best friend. We spoke several times a day and saw each other nearly everyday. She was my EVERYTHING and my life will never be the same.

She was a beautiful person that always put others before herself. I am the exact same way. I am the soccer mom and loved by all my daughter's friends.

My situation became even sadder in January 2008 when my father was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. He had no idea, but found out after a visit to the E.R. for a nagging toothache and headache. I had an order in my purse that I had been carrying for him to get a chest x-ray for a couple of weeks. There was no need to rush in, because there were no symptoms. His primary doctor gave the order, but until this day I don't know why. I gave the order to the E.R. doctor on duty and asked if he would do the chest x-ray since we had the order on hand. My world came to an end when I heard the news. Although my father was elderly, he was very independent. He was still driving, working odd little jobs, and taking my daughter to & from school daily.

Diagnosed on 1/29/08 landed him in the hospital for 5 days.. Went through 2 rounds of chemo... His body began to tear down and the cancer was finally taking a toll on him. On March 15th had to return to the hospital due to excrutiating pain, severe shortness of breath.. The tumor was not shrinking as the doctor had hoped. The morphine was not helping with the pain and I knew I couldn't take him home and try to care for him without assistance. I was offered hospice and we accepted. That was the worst thing having to leave him there. We were optimistic, because his spirits were high and was fighting to get better. As a last ditch effort radiation was ordered. After day #3, my father was no longer talking, eating, and had lost his sight. I literally watched my Dad die in about 7days of arriving at hospice. He refused to die on my birthday, March 22nd and my brother's March 25th. A little burst of energy on Easter Day and thought he would pull through. Easter Day he told the deacons at his church that he was tired and ready to go and be with his wife. My parents were married for 52 years.

The death of parents is life-altering, life-shattering, and a void that can never be filled. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of them.

I have a wonderful support system in my husband and daughter. They are my life-line and keep me grounded. I would never have made it without them. I had the best parents in the WORLD. They were my world. I spend everyday trying to be the very best parent I can be and live up to their standards.

Focusing on the good times and the memories will get you through the tough times. There will always be sleepless nights, dreams, and cries. Through it all, God is our Savior and will never place any more on us than we can bear.

Be blessed and thanks for sharing your story.
I believe it's important you forgive youself. You did the best you could with the information you had. Tomorrow will be 2 months since Mom died. It's hard to say that - Mom died. I have a hard time wrapping my minding my mind around that. The single most important thing that has helped me is to accept love and giving unconditional to others. In this way I feel I am honoring Mom's memory and keeping her alive.
May God bless and take care of you.
Sandy,
I appreciate your story and I feel your heart and pain. I just have to learn to deal with the feelings and emotions. I have 4 siblings and none of them will discuss it much. They all feel bad because I was the one there when it happened and I ask for their advice and they just say you have to do what you need to do. I just don't know what to do sometimes and I hate that they want let me express what went on that night and I wonder if they blame me. I know deep down they don't but I know they probably ask why didn't you do something, but I know I did what I could but I feel like she just wasn't ready and I don't know how to get closure. I haven't dealt with the anger yet and I am scared I will lose it one day. I am sorry about your mom and what all she had to go through. I had a dear friend that died of cancer and Hospice was wonderful. I will continue to pray for strength and guidance for now and work with the hospital for answers. I will continue to uplift you also for strength. Thanks, and God bless.

Sandy said:
Janet, my God I am so sorry! I can see and understand why this is haunting you so bad. In my mom's case, she was in the hospital awaiting her third Kyphoplasty-her back kept fracturing, just bending over to pick up a sock, or rolling the wrong way to get off of the couch. This procedure is amazing in that it was like hot glue injected into the fracture-the first two times, she was up and walking the same day. But the third fracture, they had to induce a coma as it would be several days before they could do it. When she began coming around the day of the final procedure-she woke up in a stupor, thought she had to go to the bathroom and tried to get out of bed...she ended up falling out of bed and fractured her thigh bone from her knee to her hip. She had already in the past year been through so much already (chemo, radiation, etc.) this was just one more trauma her body could not take. She was given a cast and the doctor placed her with Hospice almost immediately. She lasted maybe three more weeks after that and her body deteriorated so quickly. This is where Hospice is an absolute God-send, if you ask, they do not sugar coat anything, they are very frank, do not give false hope and let you know exactly what is happening as their system shuts down. Morphine helps with the pain, but does not eliminate it---they are given a morphine pump with a button to push (or you can push it for them) when the pain is obvious and they almost always immediately drift off to sleep. They do this to allow the patient lucid moments with their family to say good bye and prepare to pass on. When she would awaken, there were glimpses of my mom recognizing us and short periods of lucid speech-but most of the time, she would say a lot of non sensical things and at times even lash out. Oh my God did that hurt! But the nurse told me to give her 5 minutes, leave the room and when I returned it would be as if that were the first time I had been there. They told me it was the morphine talking, that she was unaware of what she was saying. I know what you are saying about watching your mom just shut down, one minute she is there, the next minute-gone. And your mind just cannot wrap itself around the reality that this cold figure in front of you no longer houses the soul of the woman that brought you into this world---the same woman you fought for your independance from, but the first one you turned back to when you figured out that independance really kind of bites-you know? :) My mom fought so hard, and yes I understand-you stand there thinking, there has to be something I can do...maybe I have the power to heal, if I just focus, maybe I can magicly google the right answers..your mind just wanders into really ridiculous places--you get angry, cry hystericaly, and then go numb and start all over again.You try avoiding everything to keep from feeling what you know you are going to feel. But, that is the worst thing you can do. You have to simply feel what you feel as it comes to you. Allow it to happen, cry when you need to, get angry when you need to, only then will you finally be able to come to terms and be at peace with what has happened. Then you make room (when you clear out the doubts, hurt and anger) to replace in the fore front of your mind and heart---all of the reasons you love her so much, what was special and wonderful and good about her. And, you can begin to have conversations with her about what is happening now, let her know how much you miss her (she hears you) and let her know she raised you with enough faith, strength and dignity, that you will carry on and make her proud and will see her again when you are called home as well. But, you cannot get to that point, until you clean house and face the very real pain, and feel your way through it---you truly need to do that for you. If I may suggest too, when I returned to my own home, I sought out a local hospice and joined their grief counseling sessions (mine meets once a month)---and they are absolutely wonderful at helping you find your way back to yourself through your grief. It is coming up on two years since I lost mom...I cried my way through writing this to you...it still hurts so bad, and I miss mom unbelievably but I feel her more and more...as I let go of the bitterness and anger, I see and feel who she was and is and that feels so much better than the anger. Hope this helps Janet, please feel free anytime you need to talk...you do me the favor of allowing me to talk back and keeping it all real and in perspective. We are both very lucky to have had these powerfull women in our hearts! God Bless! Sandy
Alida,
I appreciate you sharing your story and I will continue to pray for you as well as myself. I had lost my father 9 years before my mom and he was never sick until 17 days before he died and we watch a slow death with him. I was afraid when my dad died that mom would shortly after that but she started working for the senior center and I think that is what keeped her spirits up. I will continue to pray for guidance and keep the memories but it is really different when it is the last parent and the parent as was so close to. Thanks!

Alida Rutherford said:
Janet,

I am so sorry about your loss. The details about your Mother are so similar to mine. i lost my mother in November 2006 of a massive heart attack. I found her body which makes it even worse. My mom also worked at a Senior citizens day care treatment facility. She had worked their for 28 years and was age 71 at the time of death. She didn't consider herself a senior citizen either. My mom was my very best friend. We spoke several times a day and saw each other nearly everyday. She was my EVERYTHING and my life will never be the same.

She was a beautiful person that always put others before herself. I am the exact same way. I am the soccer mom and loved by all my daughter's friends.

My situation became even sadder in January 2008 when my father was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer. He had no idea, but found out after a visit to the E.R. for a nagging toothache and headache. I had an order in my purse that I had been carrying for him to get a chest x-ray for a couple of weeks. There was no need to rush in, because there were no symptoms. His primary doctor gave the order, but until this day I don't know why. I gave the order to the E.R. doctor on duty and asked if he would do the chest x-ray since we had the order on hand. My world came to an end when I heard the news. Although my father was elderly, he was very independent. He was still driving, working odd little jobs, and taking my daughter to & from school daily.

Diagnosed on 1/29/08 landed him in the hospital for 5 days.. Went through 2 rounds of chemo... His body began to tear down and the cancer was finally taking a toll on him. On March 15th had to return to the hospital due to excrutiating pain, severe shortness of breath.. The tumor was not shrinking as the doctor had hoped. The morphine was not helping with the pain and I knew I couldn't take him home and try to care for him without assistance. I was offered hospice and we accepted. That was the worst thing having to leave him there. We were optimistic, because his spirits were high and was fighting to get better. As a last ditch effort radiation was ordered. After day #3, my father was no longer talking, eating, and had lost his sight. I literally watched my Dad die in about 7days of arriving at hospice. He refused to die on my birthday, March 22nd and my brother's March 25th. A little burst of energy on Easter Day and thought he would pull through. Easter Day he told the deacons at his church that he was tired and ready to go and be with his wife. My parents were married for 52 years.

The death of parents is life-altering, life-shattering, and a void that can never be filled. There is never a day that goes by that I don't think of them.

I have a wonderful support system in my husband and daughter. They are my life-line and keep me grounded. I would never have made it without them. I had the best parents in the WORLD. They were my world. I spend everyday trying to be the very best parent I can be and live up to their standards.

Focusing on the good times and the memories will get you through the tough times. There will always be sleepless nights, dreams, and cries. Through it all, God is our Savior and will never place any more on us than we can bear.

Be blessed and thanks for sharing your story.
Debbie,
I am so sorry to hear about your death. I still have a hard time saying that also. I have to do things to keep her memory with me. I miss her so much. I visit the cemetry often and talk and cry with her. Thanks for your support and I will pray for you for strength and peace.

Debbie said:
I believe it's important you forgive youself. You did the best you could with the information you had. Tomorrow will be 2 months since Mom died. It's hard to say that - Mom died. I have a hard time wrapping my minding my mind around that. The single most important thing that has helped me is to accept love and giving unconditional to others. In this way I feel I am honoring Mom's memory and keeping her alive.
May God bless and take care of you.

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