Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by jen on February 10, 2010 at 10:01am

hi......i know how you are feeling. My dad passed away a year ago Feb. 20, which is quickly approaching. I do pretty well most of the time, but like you, don't really have anyone to talk to, so it builds up and is even harder when these milestone dates come up. I'm not close with my mom, and my role with the family when we were going through all of Dads funeral etc., was to to take his role as the strong , matter of fact person who they could lean on. Not having anyone else for ME to lean on has been difficult. Anyway......I too feel the anxiety building to next week....... I had a horrible day in January as it was the anniversary of the last time I actually saw my dad, and said goodbye. They had been visiting us, and as always, when we said goodbye, I knew it might be the last one. ( both parents in their 80's) This Valentines day will mark the last day I talked with my dad on the phone , 5 days before he died very unexpectedly. maybe once this first year is over , it will get easier......I hope so. take care, and come back whenever you need to talk! jen

Permalink Reply by Judy on February 10, 2010 at 4:26pm

I totally understand how you feel. I lost my Dad to cancer 10 years ago in March. I still miss him every day, but the pain does lessen. Now I can reflect on how wonderful he was with a smile on my face. I still have tears when a certain tv show comes on or a certain situation occurs. I remember all the things he taught me growing up, and am so thankful for his influence on my life. We had our ups and downs, but I remember his love most of all. That's what really helps get me through the day. I just lost my Mom 11 days ago. The ache is so strong, it's exhausting. However, I do know it will get easier eventually. Think of your baby's birthday. What a joyful occasion!

Permalink Reply by Priceless on February 11, 2010 at 8:42am

I am sorry for the loss of your Dad. Spring is the time of year that grief workshops start up. Churchs or Hospice usually have grief workshops. The grief workshop I attended at a church went for approx. 6-8 weeks, less than 5 people and it was very helpful. Hospice may also have some they can refer you to that are longer than an hour workshop here and there. Sometimes rehabilitation facilities hold grief workshops. In my area the one's I found are usually inthe Spring and Fall. I found this site to be very helpful also.
Grief's Courageous Journey -A workbook - I found this book to be very helpful. Authors are Sandi Caplan & Gordon Lang.
It has been 3 years for my Dad and little over 3 years for my mom. I always feel a little different about a week before Mom's date of death and also for weeks around the time that Dad was in the hospital/s and then his subsequent passing.
I turn a lot to my faith in God and this has brought comfort. It is still rough around those dates. I found journaling to help also, I do not keep everything I write. It is just to get it out and off my mind and try to make myself feel better.
Talking with friends about it also can be helpful. Even though at times I prefer a good cry over talking or even journaling. I believe crying relieves the stress buildup and sometimes I am better able to journal or talk about it. I am a person who tends not to cry around other people to not show my vulnerability.
A month after mom died, it seemed like I was walking in slow motion, like my heartbeat slowed way down and I was walking in slow motion all bent over. It was rough. My brother's wife was in the hospital, out, in, intensive care, etc. which was also hard. Then 3 months later Dad was in the hospital, then had surgery then about 3 weeks later died. I believe Dad and Mom are with God and happy again, no more pain, no more suffering. Young again. God Bless everyone.

Permalink Reply by Jeannette on February 11, 2010 at 10:05pm

I completely understand how you are feeling. I never had the chance to talk about how I was feeling. I have two sisters and two brothers and only one of them was hurt by my mom's death. I couldn't talk to her because she was hurting just as much as I was. Tomorrow will be 7 years ago I lost my Mom. I still feel as much pain now as I did then.

Permalink Reply by Lauran on February 17, 2010 at 1:04pm

First, I'm sorry for your loss. That said... everything I've read says that the 1 year anniversary is horrid. You need to go with whatever comes, tears, talking to family, everything. Remember that your mother and siblings are experiencing the same thing... talk to them, it's OK!
Hugs...
Lauran

Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on February 17, 2010 at 2:27pm

I went thru the same thing.. the anniversary of my Mom's death and my Brother's. Also Mother's Day was hard. I believe that after a few years it won't feel so fresh to you and though you will think of him the anxiety won't be so strong.

Permalink Reply by Kathryn on February 17, 2010 at 2:38pm

I am only approaching six month's -- so I don't presume to understand completely. However, I found New Years and my birthday especially hard -- I am currently dreading Father's Day. I can't imagine how I will get through that horrible day.

Honestly, there is not a day that goes by that I do not cry about my dad. I have come to accept that I will never be the same person I was before he died -- and that time will not heal the wound of losing him. Rather, time does seem to make it more bearable most of the time.

Just yesterday, I thought about my dad and said to myself, "I am never going to see or hug my dad again in this life" -- and I swear, it was like those first moments when I found him. The pain was so enormous that it actually scared me. I try desperately to stop the terrible looping video in my brain of those horrible moments -- to focus on the good times -- but even those bring me an empty feeling in my soul to have him back. So, while I do not understand what it is to be at the year anniversary, I relate to the feelings you describe. I hope in someway it helps to know you aren't alone.

Kathryn

Permalink Reply by Joanne on February 18, 2010 at 8:32am

Losing someone you love is so painful - I lost my brother and dad within 6 months of each other. It's been 3 months (as of today) that I lost my mother. There are days that never seem to end, that all you can do is cry. For all of us who have lost a loved one - be strong!