Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by JunePeony on February 12, 2010 at 3:40pm

Dear Jason,

I am deeply sorry for your loss. You are very young to have lost your Dad and it’s heartbreaking. I am twice your age and thought I would be able to handle it better the older I got, but that’s just not the case. It’s just so traumatic no matter how old your parent is, or how old you are, when you lose someone pivotal to your life.

My mother passed away on January 2, 2010 of cancer also. We only just found out about it and before you know it she was gone. It is a shock to my system in every way. I can’t eat properly and the earth feels like it turned upside down.

It was hard to see the mother who loved and cared for me through thick-and-thin in so much pain and confusion at the end. Those are very haunting images to have to shut down. I can not seem to do it.

Posting on this forum has helped me give voice to my grief so that at least it’s not all bottled up inside. Listening to soothing music has helped a little, and talking with friends, although they can only say so much. A woman, from this site, Kathryn recommended a book called, “I wasn’t ready to say goodbye” which helped her deal with her own father’s sudden death. I confess I have only gotten as far as getting it out from the library but have not even opened it. I will get there, I guess. Eventually.

Jason, I know we have a long, long, difficult journey ahead. I myself am moving along it slower than a snail’s pace. And it looks like the road goes on forever. But I am thinking of you and wishing you, and your family the strength to get through.

I just wanted you to know that I read your post and I really understand how you feel.

Lisa

junepeony@gmail.com

Permalink Reply by Kathryn on February 12, 2010 at 9:12pm

I just wanted to pipe in and tell you how sorry I am for your terrible loss. I know the pain of losing a father... and I wouldn't wish it on anyone. It has truly been the most devastating experience in my whole life.

I remember that on various occassions in my life I had thought about what it would be like "if" my father should ever die. It was so terrible that I would instantly chastise myself and think of something else. Who could have known that it was so much worse than I could have ever imagined?

I can barely remember the first couple of weeks after my father's sudden death. I remember feeling like the world was spinning around me and that I was watching from the outside. I can't imagine how I ever survived it. But I did. And, so will you.

I wish that I could say that time heals all wounds. What I have found is that time somehow makes them more bearable. I am still waiting for a day that I don't cry for my dad. But, every so often, I can think of him and smile... even laugh now.

I am sorry that you, I and the others here share this horrible journey. I wish you as much comfort and peace as possible through the next few weeks.

Kathryn

p.s. to Lisa: I just wanted to say that I am glad you got the book. It was helpful to me -- and I hope it will be for you, too. I so agree with your sentiment --- losing a parent (especially when you are close with them) is terrible whenever it happens. I loved my father so much... that has survived even death. Perhaps that is why the grief is so overwhelming. Hugs to you. I am sorry we share this terrible thing.

Permalink Reply by Jason Lee Leahy on February 12, 2010 at 11:56pm

To both that have replyed to my post: Thank you so much for your support. I just dont know how I feel or where to turn. I am still in the state of shock. Tonight at the viewing was just so overwhleming.. Eh... Sorrry about type o just really stressed and upset and not thinking so clear. Just seeig him lay in casket was heart breaking for me. I never dreamed at 24yrs old that I was be doing this. My b-day is in 2weeks from this frirday (12th) and I am not at all looking forward to it. I miss him so much.. It does not feel like that it has been only a few days. 4days already and it feels like it has been so much longer than that. Do the days ever seem to get back to normal do they ever start to feel right again? I think I might get that book you both spoke of and see if it helps me any.. Anything at this point to help me with this heart ache. Tomorrow is the serivce (saturday) I have wrote a little somthing to read. I hope that I can make it.. Just ready to lay down and sleep for a few days.. I am so sleepy and just lost.

Permalink Reply by Anita on February 13, 2010 at 7:31am

Jason.......I am so sorry about the loss of your father. Yes, the days do get different. I lost my father 21 yrs ago and still miss him terribly. But the "lost" feelings get better and days do return to normal, somewhat. The heartache becomes less as time goes on, not that you'll forget what it feels like, but it won't be as often. I will pray for your comfort.

Permalink Reply by Kathryn on February 13, 2010 at 9:39am

Jason Lee Leahy said:

To both that have replyed to my post: Thank you so much for your support. I just dont know how I feel or where to turn. I am still in the state of shock. Tonight at the viewing was just so overwhleming.. Eh... Sorrry about type o just really stressed and upset and not thinking so clear. Just seeig him lay in casket was heart breaking for me. I never dreamed at 24yrs old that I was be doing this. My b-day is in 2weeks from this frirday (12th) and I am not at all looking forward to it. I miss him so much.. It does not feel like that it has been only a few days. 4days already and it feels like it has been so much longer than that. Do the days ever seem to get back to normal do they ever start to feel right again? I think I might get that book you both spoke of and see if it helps me any.. Anything at this point to help me with this heart ache. Tomorrow is the serivce (saturday) I have wrote a little somthing to read. I hope that I can make it.. Just ready to lay down and sleep for a few days.. I am so sleepy and just lost.

I hope that this note finds you after some rest.

To answer your question, the days become less of a burden -- and you will find a new state of "normal"... its a strange process and sort of sneaks up on you. Time does make it more bearable -- usually -- but be prepared for strange things to sneak up on you. I equate it to a horrible cut: the first few days are awful... it starts to heal... its still sore but not as terrible. Finally, one day, you have scar but it not longer hurts all the time... once and a while you bump it and it really hurts... but most of the time, it is just a fact that you have a scar and your body isn't the same as before. Does that make sense?

I recently celebrated my first birthday without my father. It was difficult -- and I am sure since you are already emotionally raw and new to this, that it may be even more so for you. Surprisingly, New Year's has been the most difficult for me so far.

Hugs, compassion and deep sorrow for you today. I truly wish that you didn't have this in common with me or anyone here.

Kathryn

Permalink Reply by Jason Lee Leahy on February 13, 2010 at 9:53pm

I dont even know where to start. Today I put my dad in is final resting place.. Hurt like heck.. tears just started to roll down my face.. Today now that everything is over I feel so sick.. and sleepy and just not wanting to go to bed... Is this normal.. I have tons of feels all at once?????

Permalink Reply by JunePeony on February 13, 2010 at 10:30pm

Yes it is perfectly normal Jason. It’s a confusing and shocking time. The pain is physical. It really does feel like there is a hole or a wound inside your heart. And there are so many painful thoughts and memories inside your head too. It’s impossible to think straight.

I was able to hold myself together (somehow) during Mom’s service, but as soon as I carried her ashes out of the church and sat in the limousine I couldn’t hold back the tears.
Only a couple of weeks before we had walked by that very church on one of our regular walks, and Mom was looking so strong and beautiful and we were enjoying a gorgeous autumn day. And suddenly here I was sitting with her urn in my hands, all by myself, in the back of a hearse and wondering how I got there. I just wanted to hear her voice and hold her hand again. Nothing anyone could say could take away that wish.

I never thought I would be able to sleep again. But sleep will come even if it is just because you are so exhausted at first.

My thoughts are with you and your family, Jason. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Lisa
junepeony@gmail.com

Permalink Reply by Kathryn on February 13, 2010 at 10:45pm

:(

Lisa - I relate so much to your feelings.

Hug to you.

kathryn

Permalink Reply by Jason Lee Leahy on February 18, 2010 at 9:19am

It has been over a week now since my father passed away.. My feelings are all over the place... I just dont know what to do.... It feels like I am stuck on on mode and cant get out of it. It feels as if my world has stoppped. I am having problems moving on in life. I went back to college and work but it feels so overwhelming to me. I am still no sleep well at all.. When I close my eyes all I see is my dad dying all over again and seeing him take his last breath of air... I just dont know what to do.. I am so lost... I dont know where to turn or where to go... I just dont know how to deal with this... I want to drink but I know that it will not help.. Can anyone give me any ideas on what to do??? Thank you

Permalink Reply by Susan on February 18, 2010 at 10:16am

Jason,

I want to encourage you at this most difficult time. I think it is quite normal to be all over the place with your feelings right now. Sleep will come. I lost my dad 2 months ago, I am 54, he was 82. Age doesn't matter, I ached for days on end. It was a living hell for me. I went to work and came home and cried and cried. Time has helped. The ache is not as intense, I don't cry as often. Time, Jason, time. Drinking will only numb you. I believe you need to feel the feeling right now. Then move thru them.
Best Wishes,
Susan

Permalink Reply by Flowerpot on February 18, 2010 at 10:46am

Hi Jason

I am so so sorry for your loss.

I lost my own Dad Christmas Eve 2009........................ I am 46 and I knew that I would never be able to handle my Dad's dying. When the time came, I didnt handle it very well at all. My emotions swung backwards and forwards like a rollercoaster. One minute crying, the next laughing (sometimes hysterically) Literlly, minutes apart. I was completely on my own and had to arrange everything on my own for my Dad. That was hard, very very hard. I had to fly from South Africa to UK to sort everything out and on top of my grief I had jet lag and I was so very very tired all the time. The whole first week was and still is a haze and I look back at it now and seriously dont know how I got through it on my own.

It is now very nearly two months since my Dad died and yes, there are times when I completely break down and want to curl up in a ball, but for the most part my days are returning to normal.

I am so very with you in thought at the moment. Be strong. Allow yourself to grieve. And cry, cry as hard as you want to, that helped me a little - I found that I had a big knot inside my chest most of the time and the only way I could release it was to cry hard. I now find that talking to my Dad helps me quite a bit and I am quite sure that he does hear me. And I believe, firmly believe, that he is out there guiding me, still giving me his approval when I have choices to make and dont know which way to turn.

It goes get easier Jason, give yourself a little breather and try and go with the flow.

One big hug from me to you!

Julie

Permalink Reply by Cathy Cooper on February 18, 2010 at 11:00am

I am so sorry about the loss of your Dad. My father passed in October and I miss him every day. I can't say that it is easy and at this time, I am still grieving.
I forget that I can't call him to tell something I heard about sports or politics or just to say hi.
We were at my Dad's side when he died too. I will pray for you and your family.
It will get a little 'easier'. But the loss is very real

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