Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Carla Tackett on February 21, 2010 at 6:56pm

This probably won't help much, my situation is different buy my feelings are similar to yours. I lost my mother October 1, 2009 at the age of 83. We were very close.
(I lost my father a long time ago, June 30, 1981.)

My mother was sick with various things in 2007 & 2008. The last major thing was she broke her hip in April 2008. She had a hip replacement and by the fall of 2008 was doing somewhater better than before she broke her hip. (She had balance problems since 2005, since right before her mother passed away. I feel this was from her trying to take care of her 97 year old mother at the time.)

When she had her hip replacement, the doctors did tell her that she had a heart valve problem and told her that she had 5 years at the most without trying to fix it. She chose to not have another surgery. I guess she only had another 1 1/2 because she died from heart failure on October 1, 2009.

Like you, I feel depressed and think about each holiday that passes without her. What stinks for me is that I quit my regular job last May and begin working at home, helping my husband with his business. And I thought, allowing me to spend more time with my mother. And this past Christmas would have been the first time I wouldn't have been on a time crunch because of work and could have spent more holiday time with her.

I just know it sucks and I want to begin feeling better. I miss her terribly.

Permalink Reply by Billinda on February 21, 2010 at 7:23pm

Hi Felicia!
I know that hole...I have lived there most days of the week for a year now. Mom died exactly one year ago tomorrow, and the pain is still immense. I, like you, got worse 6 months after Mom's passing, and everyone around me (mostly my siblings) were ready for me to "Move-on!" Then, I started reading and educating myself and realized we are not alone here in this elite club, "Loss of a Parent," and also not members by choice, and every single one of us will have a different grieving journey...even in the same family!

As someone said on a private posting: (paraphrasing..sorry) Every time I go to send a friend a sympathy card after the loss on one of their parent's, I hate the words on the inside, and just want to write on the inside: "IT SUCKS!" I loved that posting...it is so true.
It is NOT easy, and yes, on many days it will just out right suck, but, know you will be better person for what you have endured...even if it is simply realizing the compassion you'll have for others losing a parent. Your Mom would want nothing less.

You will never be the same Felicia again...you are forever changed when you lose a parent, and many that haven't "been there, done that" don't realize that! They will want you to "Move-on!" (If I hear that term one more time this year, I think I will explode!) There are no easy answers, but this I do know....you have got to grieve...in your own time and in your own way, and just as there is no time limit on "love," there is no time limit on "grief," and don't let anyone tell you differently, and if they do, pay them no mind....they know NOT from where you come, and will be of NO help to you in this journey. Be open to find "Inspiration" in the things that bring your pleasure, and realize that one day, this will be the part of your faith that will help you..."MOVE AHEAD!"

If I can help you, or just listen, please let me know, and I'll be here for you! I am so glad that you found this group. I wish I had been here soon after Mom died, not waiting until 6 months later, but I thought, as a counselor, I could handle this, and I did...for awhile! Then, the siblings wars ensued, and he hit like a ton of bricks. I haven't been the same since, and I don't think I ever will in as much as being a member of "their" family is concerned.

Your Mom sounds like a wonderful person, and you are so blessed to have been so close and to have those wonderful memories to cherish for the rest of your life, and to say she was also your "best friend," is awe inspiring and touhing to me! Many of us are not so fortunate, and didn't have the best of relationships to build memories upon, and therein lies the 2nd journey of grief we travel...for the parent/child relationship we never had, and is now too late to hope upon for the future. You are so fortunate to have that in your heart!

Please let me know if you would like to talk again...I will be here for you. If you want to privately email me, please do: billindainokc@cox.net
Hugs & God's Speed.....Linda

Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on February 21, 2010 at 8:06pm

Ladies,

I know about that deep hole. There are many issues to deal with when we lose Mom. I lost mine in 97. I don't think that we ever stop missing them, if anything that part gets worse. But the sting of death does get better once you get past the first few Bdays and Holidays w/o them. It is rough, I won't pretend that it's not. But you will be able to move on in your own time. It took me 5 years. During that 5 years I made new memories with my Children and Grandchildren. I made it a point to create new things to do each month to give me something to look forward to and plan. We'd go to Christian concerts and different things. If not once a month then every other month. It gave me something to look forward to and live for. Our Mother's would want us to move on and be the best, wives and mother's and grandmother's etc that we can be and be happy. This will happen. Just allow yourselves the time needed to grieve. It's different for each of us. Your in my thoughts and prayer's. There will be a better day but it will take some work on your part. I write poems to my Mom and my Brother that took his life two years ago. Ten years after my Mom's passing. Writing poems and letters to them helps me.

Permalink Reply by Lana on February 22, 2010 at 10:19am

Hi Felicia,
I felt exactly like you when I lost my mom. She was my best friend, my cheer leader in life, my counselor, and I never had a sister -- so she was my world. She was the sweetest, most kind, generous woman who walked in love. I lost her September, 2004 and I still miss her so much. She had bone cancer (multiple myeloma) and during her last year of life I quit my job, and would put my 3 kids on the school bus every morning, and then drive almost an hour to my parents home and take care of her and my dad. It was emotionally and physically draining taking care of two homes, sick parents, and 3 kids, but it was my honor and privilege to do that. After she passed away my dad grieved immensely, and he passed away only 4 months after her due to pneumonia, and of course a broken heart. I then just wanted to lay in bed and not even get up. I had double dose of grief with losing dad also. I felt like I lost my purpose to live. I had to get up each morning though because my youngest child was only 8 years old and needed breakfast before school. I remember going to the store to get a birthday card for my brother one day and seeing "Happy Mother's Day" cards and I just burst out crying. All I can tell you is with time the sting of death goes away, though we will always hold our precious moms in our heart. One thing that really helped me process the grief (besides crying out to God to heal my soul) was volunteering at the homeless shelter. Cooking for the homeless, bringing them in much needed clothes, and sitting with them and hearing their stories helped me immensely. Helping others helps us fill that empty void in us. I remember the days it felt like I was just hemorrhaging with grief. I had to make myself go through the motions of daily life. One thing grief gives us is compassion for others going through loss. Felicia, I pray you also find joy and healing of your soul in helping others. God Bless you.
Lana

Permalink Reply by Jenny on February 22, 2010 at 10:27am

I'm so sorry for you loss, Felicia. I lost my mom to cancer 15 days ago and I have been experiencing a myriad of emotions, and mood swings. Our local Hospice had a program open for to the public (even if you hadn't utilized their services previously) for grief counseling. I called and was told they had disbanded but they gave me the names of several grief counselors in the area. If you do not have insurance to cover it, consider calling your local United Way and ask for a referral to an agency that helps people with loss and grief. I know non-profit agencies like Gilda's Club offer counseling as well. Some counselors offer services on a sliding scale, if you do not have insurance coverage.

Good luck to you, I wish you peace. *hugs*

Permalink Reply by Jennie M Nielsen on February 22, 2010 at 12:05pm

My father in law suffered with cancer for 2 yrs when he died in July of 08 and on Feb 10, 2010 my mother in law died very suddenly 2 weeks after being diagnoised with pancreas cancer. Both of them have been in my life for almost 30 years. I understand your feelings. The darkness that you would like to let roll over you. I would encourage you to really examine your heart, deep down, is this what your mom would want you to do. Search that special relationship you enjoyed with her & what would she advise or tell you right now. Sounds like she was a good example to pattern your self after. If you are a person of faith, turn to God for comfort & love. God bless you.

Permalink Reply by Priceless on February 22, 2010 at 1:31pm

Everyone, I am so sorry for your loss. My parents both died 3 years ago. It is always different around the time of their death. Sometimes I feel like something is going to go wrong. Especially with Dad since he had fell first, past out. I still have all the memories, whether good or bad; I would not trade for the world. I have a beautiful pet that started cuddling with me after my parents died. She still does this around the anniversary of their deaths or whenever I am feelling their loss. At night she will lay on the bed by my side so when I put my arm down by my side I can pet her.
There were 5 of us children, so we kept everything. At first we found little pieces of paper with words written on them, which we throw away. Later when we found more I kept them. The words were words to songs. It is hard to part with their belongings. I had a pair of shoes of Moms, that were worn out so I through them out. That was so hard; it felt like I was throwing mom out; which I wasnt, just her worn out shoes. I still have her other shoes and Dad's shoes, which I will keep. Thought about bronzing them, but do not know how or how much this would cost. Then we had Mom and Dad clothes to depart with that none of us could wear. That was less hard since it was going to the Missions where other people could make use of them. It still was uncomfortable to do. I kept these for a good 2 years before I did this; I just did not have room for all of this and had to do it. I just have to remind myself that I am not throwing Mom and Dad away, just their clothes that others could use.
When I would write or at times when I talked about Dad, I would say God instead. Last night I woke up and it dawned on me. Maybe this was Dad's way of letting me know he was with God. I told him in the hospital that it was OK with me if he were to go be with Mom and God. I was asking for a sign, but had no idea and did not really believe I would get one.
When I look at some of the picture that I have from when we cleaned out the house (Dad was still living in the house), there are white circles on a couple pictures. The picture of Jesus and Mary that Dad and Mom received for their wedding. Also on a picture of an alter in the grade school that us kids attended, I have a picture with a lot of white circles on it. It cannot be water spots since the picture that I took from another angle right before that do not have it.
I was also asking God for a Sign regarding my boyfriend that had died in a car accident when we were in our early 20's. When I had visited Mom's grave, it was like I felt his presence walking around me, in the same fashion that he used to walk and dress. As if to comfort me and let me know he was there. He was also so warm and had so much love radiating from him. Just being near him I could feel the Love, like being near a radiator and feeling the heat. Nothing can compare to that feeling.
I was always expecting him to come back and walk through me apartment door with his same type of hello, and play my guitar. But that never happened. It was like he was just gone and not dead. When I saw him in the casket, I told myself it was not him, it did not look anything like him. But it was and it did look exactly like him. I went on with life. I would visit his grave and keep telling him about my life and eventually would keep telling him that I have moved on. A little over 20 years later, for some reason, it all came back to me. All of a sudden when I was driving down the street, that day and the time we spent together seem likethe here and now. It was all right in front of me. I pretty much relived it all over again. I journaled for 3/4 of a year every day that year. I wasn't sure if he was trying to reach out to me. It became more important than ever to know where he went. I know he went to Heaven, but it was important. I did not have the faith then that I have now or the knowledge, wisdom and maturity that I have now. Sometimes when his accident date comes nea

Permalink Reply by Felicia on February 22, 2010 at 6:38pm

I want to thank you all so very much. I was waiting for today to check and see if anyone had responded to me and you all had which I appreciate more than you all could possibly know (hugs and kisses!). It helped, the words of comfort. Even more than that, to know that the feelings that I have are not original to me. Not that I want people to share my grief, because if I could take it away from any of you, I would. But it helps that you understand.
My mother had pancreatic cancer. I don't come across many charities that are dedicated to that, but it doesn't have to be that. I've decided to walk in the breast cancer charity in Atlanta this fall because I live in Georgia. A long time ago, I would give my time to an elderly people's living community, so I'm thinking of going back to that. You guy's advice was really good. I've been asking God for help and I think he's giving it to me in the form of this group. Thank you all for welcoming me in. I know it's not a membership anyone wants to have, but I thank God for you all.