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I lost both parents in 8 months time
I have been struggling with my emotions a lot lately. My Mom passed away last May, the day after Mother's Day. I was living on the East coast at the time and was in route when I got the call at the airport I was to late. I have been having mixed emotions that if I had moved back home would it have made a difference in Mom's last days. She had been ill for a year and in the hospital/nursing home for almost a year to the day when she passed. We were very close in heart. My Dad was a very private man, and I didn't know the health issues he was dealing with for the longest time. I made the decision to move back to St. Louis this past September to be near and take care of Dad. He was diagnosed in Oct. with Advanced Kidney Cancer. I just lost him on Jan. 27th. I lost a brother in 2004, and that really affected the folks. It has been a down hill battle ever since. I find myself crying uncontrolably. I don't remember what Mom looks like until I see a picture. I can't hear her voice any more. I know what she would say but I can't hear her any more. I am living in Dad's house. The house is full of Mom and Dad. On one hand I want to pack up as much stuff to get it out of sight, but then on the other hand, it's comforting to see their stuff. Sometimes I find myself looking at the clock and telling myself I better get the dishes done before they get home from work. I am 54 years old. I am not a child so to speak, but I was their child. I have 3 surviving brothers and each of us is handling this in our own ways. I was here 24/7 for my Dad. As the weeks have passed I have found out things that others have known and I had no clue about my Dad. Last week, I went on a rage and got so mad at Dad. There are so many questions left unanswered. It seemed the last days went way to fast. There was no way I could really prepare myself for this. I knew he was dying, but I still had hope. I guess this is where the denial comes in. I have had a grief counselor from hospice come in the past couple weeks. It has helped a little. But when does one quit beating themselves up from the what if's. What if I had come home when Mom was ill, would she have survived? What if I had gotten Dad to the doctor a month before I did, would the cancer not have been as advanced. I have problems concentrating. I am unemployed but afraid to go looking for a job, because when they ask why have I been unemployed since August of last year, I will break down crying because I miss my Dad. I find myself withdrawing from people. Most times I am very content to sit here and watch t.v. or crochet and not have a soul around. I am very mixed up about how I am supposed to feel. I was at my Dad's side when he passed. I was able to hold his hand. When I think back on that day, it feels like something is literally squeezing my heart, and my chest hurts. I know it's stress. As you can tell, my mind is working at 90 miles an hour but my body stopped at 45. I miss my folks. They have always been here when I needed a hug, or an ear when I needed to cry. They have always been here, and now they are not. Does anyone know when the head will clear and the heart will quit hurting?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Kathryn on
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You may not like my answer, but I don't think the heart will ever stop hurting. Of course, I am only six months in -- so what do I know? Right? :::hug::: I do know that it becomes more bearable.
Your emotions are so raw now. You have had a lot of loss in a very short period of time -- it is unimaginable to me that you have lost both parents so close together. I am emotionally reeling from the loss of my beloved father... the very idea of losing my mother too is one I cannot entertain. It seems to me that you are coping admirably.
I don't care how old we are -- we are children wanting our moms and dads. I cry every single day -- and quite frankly, I can't think of a better reason. My dad always told me that a person isn't really a grown-up until their parents die. I understand what he was trying to tell me now.
I don't want to be a grown-up.
Anyhow, I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know you aren't alone.
Hugs and love to you today from one grieving daughter to another.
Kathryn -
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Permalink Reply by Jacquelyn on
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I am sorry to hear about your loss, but may you look toward your parents and brother as well as God for strength. Trust in God and he will get you through it. Your family will be in your heart forever. It is okay to grieve and with all due time it will eventually become a little easier. I know easier said than done. I lost my Dad and I miss him dearly. One day at a time, One day at a time.
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Permalink Reply by Jennie M Nielsen on
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My best discription is shell shock. Both my in laws died within 18 mos of each other. Dad suffered for over 2 yrs with prostate cancer & mom's ckup found pancreas cancer & she was gone in 2 weeks. (Feb 10th). There is a hole in our lives that will never be filled again. I do know it will get better, never will leave us but less painful with time. Try to fill your life with faith & love. God bless you.
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Permalink Reply by Priceless on
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KarenF., I am so sorry for your loss. My parents both died 3 1/2 months apart. Mom had been in the nursing home for over 5 years and Dad lived in the house, in the same town. Dad had by-pass surgery 3 months to the day that Mom died. Dad did not quite come out of it. He died 3 weeks later. I was there the full 3 weeks except for 1 1/2 days, my siblings were there also off and on, 2 lived closer. We were all there the last 7 days. I was still hoping Dad would miraculously open his eyes and sit up and start speaking. He never did. I could tell the morning of the day that he died that he was gone however he did not die until about mid afternoon. It helped to know that I could spend the last 3 weeks with Dad. It was hard. None of us were prepared for another funeral, which we never expected. Dad was always in excellent health and never sick. Having Dad suit coat and Moms coat helped emmensely since I would cover with them when I sat in the chair. It was comforting. In the beginning that first year, there is very little comfort and peace that last more than a second. I attended grief workshop, read books, talked, however, I still longed for that closeness. IT was gone, history was gone forever. I did a few stupid things. I was very lost. I never wondered when it would end, since I have had other grief and knew grief hangs on in a variety of ways. I would go driving on a Saturday just to get away and end up coming back home since I had no where to go. Mom and Dad were not there. Finally after a year and couple months I was able to get away and stay away for 3 days. Much needed, & I enjoyed myself. 1 month before Mom's 2 years anniversary of her death I had a week vacation plus 1 day. Again I went away on a much needed vacation. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I slept in, went out when I was ready, came back to the hotel when I was done for the day. I did not rush, had no set schedule and thoroughly enjoyed myself. At that time, I had work to distract me during the day. A very meaningful job that I enjoyed. Try and do something for yourself. Do not make any hasty decisions and do not register to attend anything unless you know you will want to go when the time comes. I was so undecided about my personal life that I basically went in circles. Do what is right for you. This is the time of year grief support workshops are held. The first week after Mom died I arrived back home and cryed every evening for a week straight after I got off work. I did nothing else with my evenings. If I did not have a job I probably would have spent the entire week that way during the day also. Little did I know this was a good thing for me since I did not know about Dad. I made a decision early on about Dad and my life in general that I cannot change the past. The past has shaped me into who I am, so I have to let it go and live in the present. Here and Now. So if I need to stay home and journal I do this, if I need to spend an evening reading a grief book I do this. If I find a mourning worship service I go, If I stay for the reception fine, if not fine too. I felt like I was helping myself and not just letting the grief take control of my life. I had control of it, It just took awhile that first year and was cry, not cry, lost - well this I was. I do not ever remember wondering when it would end. I Lived each day for itself. I heart was broken, my soul grieved heavily. God was right beside me the whole time. So was my pet when I was home. She started cuddling with me. My pet was very sweat. God bless take care and cry as much as you need to.
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Permalink Reply by candace on
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Dear Karen,
Grief can affect us in various ways. But for many the overriding feeling is one of intense emotional pain. Working through grief takes patience for you may feel that you are on an emotional roller coaster. remember that you do not have to be ashamed of your tears. many faithful indivivduals have found that shedding tears of grief is a normal and necessary part of the healing process. the bible assures us that "Jehovah is near to those broken at heart and those who are crushed in spirit he saves."(Psalms 34:18) -
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Permalink Reply by Karen F. on
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I hope the attachment works. A very dear friend of mine sent this poem to me. I think this is just the place to share it with others.
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Recently I was on the internet and decided to look under a funeral home under grief. Wow, what a lot of information for grief support workshops. I was amazed. When I had called after my parents both died I did not think of looking on the website nor did any place that I call let me know if they had this information on their website. It is good to know that the information is available now.
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Permalink Reply by ali on
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Hi,
I also lost both my parents. My dad had a stroke in 2007 and my mom lost her battle to cancer in December 2009. I am in my 30's and thought I was a pretty well adjusted adult until they were gone. I feel like I am a 5 year old kid that is lost. I can say that there are good days and really bad ones too. I took care of my mom until the end and kept the hope alive that she would beat the cancer. When she passed away it was like something so unreal. It has changed me as a person and I am constantly telling people that I know to truly appreciate every moment they have with their parents. I have siblings, but when my mom passed away a few of them turned their back. I am the youngest and to lose my parents and then the relationships I had with my sister and my brother truly broke my heart.
You will find days that your head is clear and your heart a little lighter. I find that helping others and volunteering does help. Hugs to you and I am sorry for your losses. -
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Permalink Reply by patricia on
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iam so sorry to hear of your loss its aways sad to hear of a loss , ive been delt with a loss of our mother in sept 25 she had copd, me and my sis were her caregiver, my dad had his own health issues dealing with it was wearing him out he had part of his lung removed to from cancer, he is 85 now she was 82 goingto turn 83, she had gotton worser her lungs coulndt move the air any more and while in and out of th ehospital she knew this would be her last she would say things to us and i knew she was ready to leave , she was a strong women i only hope i can be to when my time comes, me and my sis and dad and my older kids were with my mom when she passed, i didnt think of all kids i would had the most troubles , but i did and i found out we all heal in our own ways , were all different , and i had to turn to hospice for help and they helped alot, i cant thanks them enough, i willmiss my mother , and i know its hard, but know she their withyou looking down over you and may you find peace with god may he help heal all wounds, thanks and iam truely sorry , iam hear if youneed to talk , i think we all will aways say we didnt do this and we didnt do that , i know that feeling caus emy mom wanted to go home and we decided to do hospice their so we could be daughters to our mother at the end and belive ive rusteled over that desion over and over ,,,,
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Kathryn said:You may not like my answer, but I don't think the heart will ever stop hurting. Of course, I am only six months in -- so what do I know? Right? :::hug::: I do know that it becomes more bearable.
Your emotions are so raw now. You have had a lot of loss in a very short period of time -- it is unimaginable to me that you have lost both parents so close together. I am emotionally reeling from the loss of my beloved father... the very idea of losing my mother too is one I cannot entertain. It seems to me that you are coping admirably.
I don't care how old we are -- we are children wanting our moms and dads. I cry every single day -- and quite frankly, I can't think of a better reason. My dad always told me that a person isn't really a grown-up until their parents die. I understand what he was trying to tell me now.
I don't want to be a grown-up.
Anyhow, I just wanted to reach out to you and let you know you aren't alone.
Hugs and love to you today from one grieving daughter to another.
Kathryn -
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