I have been struggling with my emotions a lot lately. My Mom passed away last May, the day after Mother's Day. I was living on the East coast at the time and was in route when I got the call at the airport I was to late. I have been having mixed emotions that if I had moved back home would it have made a difference in Mom's last days. She had been ill for a year and in the hospital/nursing home for almost a year to the day when she passed. We were very close in heart. My Dad was a very private man, and I didn't know the health issues he was dealing with for the longest time. I made the decision to move back to St. Louis this past September to be near and take care of Dad. He was diagnosed in Oct. with Advanced Kidney Cancer. I just lost him on Jan. 27th. I lost a brother in 2004, and that really affected the folks. It has been a down hill battle ever since. I find myself crying uncontrolably. I don't remember what Mom looks like until I see a picture. I can't hear her voice any more. I know what she would say but I can't hear her any more. I am living in Dad's house. The house is full of Mom and Dad. On one hand I want to pack up as much stuff to get it out of sight, but then on the other hand, it's comforting to see their stuff. Sometimes I find myself looking at the clock and telling myself I better get the dishes done before they get home from work. I am 54 years old. I am not a child so to speak, but I was their child. I have 3 surviving brothers and each of us is handling this in our own ways. I was here 24/7 for my Dad. As the weeks have passed I have found out things that others have known and I had no clue about my Dad. Last week, I went on a rage and got so mad at Dad. There are so many questions left unanswered. It seemed the last days went way to fast. There was no way I could really prepare myself for this. I knew he was dying, but I still had hope. I guess this is where the denial comes in. I have had a grief counselor from hospice come in the past couple weeks. It has helped a little. But when does one quit beating themselves up from the what if's. What if I had come home when Mom was ill, would she have survived? What if I had gotten Dad to the doctor a month before I did, would the cancer not have been as advanced. I have problems concentrating. I am unemployed but afraid to go looking for a job, because when they ask why have I been unemployed since August of last year, I will break down crying because I miss my Dad. I find myself withdrawing from people. Most times I am very content to sit here and watch t.v. or crochet and not have a soul around. I am very mixed up about how I am supposed to feel. I was at my Dad's side when he passed. I was able to hold his hand. When I think back on that day, it feels like something is literally squeezing my heart, and my chest hurts. I know it's stress. As you can tell, my mind is working at 90 miles an hour but my body stopped at 45. I miss my folks. They have always been here when I needed a hug, or an ear when I needed to cry. They have always been here, and now they are not. Does anyone know when the head will clear and the heart will quit hurting?