Missing my Mom

Hello,

I'm new here and don't really know where else to go to get some advice. I came across this site randomly while searching the internet for help and the people here seem to be very understanding and compassionate.

I lost my Mom 10 days ago. She had spent 10 years in a long term care facility after a massive stroke. My Dad is still alive and doing well. I am married and have two children and 3 grandchildren.

The problem is, I have not had any time to just miss my Mom. From the first day my Dad expected me to take on the full load of making arrangements, filling out paperwork, tending to his needs as he is a senior and doing anything else that needed to be done. The very first day she was gone I made dinner, did the dishes and was expected to carry on as if nothing had happened. My Dad is putting constant pressure on me to get things done and he tells me he needs these things finished so "he can have some closure". Nobody seems to realize that I lost my Mom too.

My husband was kind and caring and helpful with arrangements, etc. for the first 12 hours or so and then it was back to business as usual. I feel like I am very alone. Even other family members that have never experienced the loss of a parent or loved one don't seem to understand. They say "Oh, it was for the best. She was suffering" and expect me to just suck it up and carry on. I have not had one day that I could just sit and cry. I miss my Mom terribly and I feel so sad. I put on a smile so as not to upset anyone else and I keep things to myself.

I actually had to go back to work today and I am having a really hard time concentrating or staying on task.

Can anyone help me to understand why my family and friends are just not getting it? Do they not know that I have just lost my Mom and really all I need is a little bit of compassion and maybe something nice done for me instead of me still doing for everyone else?

I am an only child so there are no siblings.

Thanks for listening.

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Permalink Reply by Yvonne Hess on March 1, 2010 at 5:32pm

Sandra firstly I'm so sorry about your Mom..
Some people never get it. If I could offer you any advice it would be to find a way to say NO this can wait, and take a day maybe even two to yourself. Shut your bedroom door if you have to and cry until your finished for the time being. Sometimes we just have to put ourselves first when other's won't. You can do that or you can suck it up and push thru it until you get everything your dad needs done and then fall apart. If the latter happens you will probably end up resenting your dad. You have suffered a loss, your mother is no longer with you. It's normal to want to be alone, to cry to think and to morn. My thoughts and prayers are with you.. take it one day at a time.

Permalink Reply by Kathryn on March 1, 2010 at 6:18pm

I am so sorry to learn of the loss of your mom. Truly and terribly sorry.

I, too, am an only-child. I envy people with siblings to share not only the burden of dealing with the "paperwork" of death but also the memories of my beloved father. There is a lot of work as an only-surviving child -- in the midst of overwhelming loss. I have handled my dear father's entire estate without any help -- while still being a mother and wife -- and there have been times I have certainly resented it. Grief is hard work and emotionally exhausting.

I have found that most people just don't get it. In a way, I am glad that they don't because it means that they haven't suffered the loss we have. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

I have learned to tell people what it is that I need from them and to say "no". When people spout useless platitudes I tell them that their words are unhelpful or hurtful. I let people know what they can do to help me. I also tell people that I am unable to do certain things presently. I don't know if that could help you -- but it has helped me.

Anyhow, whatever you do Sandra, I am sending you hugs via a stupid computer. I am sorry we share such a horrible loss.

Kathryn

Permalink Reply by Jimi on March 1, 2010 at 9:12pm

I two was an only child that had Lost her father and took care of him at home until his death. It has been several years. since he has passed. After a few years I turned to the Bible with the help of a dear friend to find answers as I wasn't getting or feeling like I was finding the answers that I needed. I will share with you that helped me and gave me much comfort and hopfully it will also do the same for you. In Psalm 34:18 says "That God (Jehovah) is near to those that are broken at heart, and those who are crushed in spirit he saves." Also don't underestimate the value of prayer. Psalm 55:22 says "Throw your burden upon God (Jehovah) himself, and he himself will sustain you."It is not that prayer simply makes us feel better. The "Hearer of prayer" promises to give holy spirit to his servants who sincerely ask for it.. (Psalm 65:2, luke 11:13) And the most exciting thing that I learned was that there is going to be a resurrection of all our loved ones Jesus said " Do not marvel at this, because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out" john 5:28.29 Acts 24:15. Please email me if you would like to know more...

Jimi

Permalink Reply by Tina Clark on March 1, 2010 at 11:27pm

Dear Sandra,
I know exactly what you are going through. I lost my mom 3 weeks ago. She was 90 yrs. old and everyone says that she lived a long and happy life. it was her time to go, but that is not good enough. She is my mother and I feel lonely. I am also an only child with no siblings. I have three girls, but I am divorced. My ex-husband didn't even call to give me any condolences when his girls told him what had happened. How inconsiderate. He is even a minister.
Hospice was very good the last 10 days of her life when she passed away at home, but now I don't even hear from them much. There is a counselor that came over once. Did your mom have hospice care?
I will be thinking of you and praying for you. This is a hard time for us,and I don't think we will ever get over it.
Take care.
Tina

Permalink Reply by Laney on March 2, 2010 at 1:33pm

Tina Clark said:

Dear Sandra,
I know exactly what you are going through. I lost my mom 3 weeks ago. She was 90 yrs. old and everyone says that she lived a long and happy life. it was her time to go, but that is not good enough. She is my mother and I feel lonely. I am also an only child with no siblings. I have three girls, but I am divorced. My ex-husband didn't even call to give me any condolences when his girls told him what had happened. How inconsiderate. He is even a minister.
Hospice was very good the last 10 days of her life when she passed away at home, but now I don't even hear from them much. There is a counselor that came over once. Did your mom have hospice care?
I will be thinking of you and praying for you. This is a hard time for us,and I don't think we will ever get over it.
Take care.
Tina

Permalink Reply by ali on March 2, 2010 at 7:36pm

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mom on December 17, 2009. It feels like eternity even though it has only been a few months. She was my world! I have kids, a husband, and siblings. My siblings were not there for me even though we were always close. My sister treated the funeral arrangements like a business meeting with no compassion. My mom was taken to a Hospice home after battling cancer for a year. Within 4 days of arriving at the Hospice home she passed away. If it wasn't for my husband and my kids I would not have handled it well. My siblings wanted to go out to dinner together the night my mom passed away. I just wanted to hide in my room so I never went to dinner. My mother in law came over, took the kids, gave me a hug and then closed my bedroom door. My own siblings didn't think of that. She was also there for me when my dad passed away 2 years ago.

It is so hard to understand other people and their emotions. Try to focus on yourself. If a journal halps you sort things out or sharing stories and memories online. Do whatever helps you. I found that over time the only thing that has helped me is finding this website and the wonderful people on here. I now have someone that I email a lot, she lost her mom too. It helps to know that there are people that understand the emotions that come with a loss. Unfortunately, that means they have suffered one too.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Permalink Reply by lynn on March 2, 2010 at 7:38pm

Sandra hey i know you don't know me but i know what you are fell i lost my mom, dad, grandma going on 4 years come Aug. I lost my mom on Aug 1,2006 at 11:30pm from cancer that she had for 10 years, she was a fighter until she could not fight not more. I lost my dad on Aug 30,2006 at 5:30am he was killed by his own nephew that was messed up. then on Oct 17,2006 at 4:30am i lost my grandma from cancer that she got on the day my mom died. you need to just stop and go some were quit for a little while or just do what i do look to the stars at night because she is up looking down being very proud of you

Permalink Reply by Deliela on March 2, 2010 at 9:57pm

I understand what you are saying. The people that are doing this to you need to understand how you feel. The only way they will know is if you tell them. It is crazy that many people lack compassion for a person who has lost someone that they love. I am sorry about your mother and I offer my condolences.

Permalink Reply by Priceless on March 2, 2010 at 10:18pm

Sandra, I am sorry on the loss of your mom. Find time in the evening for yourself. 10 days - I was still crying every evening for a week straight after I got back to my place after the death and celebration of Life for my mom. I went to work during the day and in the evening I cried for a week straight. Once the end of my work day came, I could not get home fast enough to cry. Then Dad Died and we had the house to take care of. I am really glad that my sibling/s were there since I really did not have the energy to want to really do this; however, I did. This was done in decent time and I could go on with my grief. I am glad it never dragged on any longer than it did. It would have just prolonged the grief, and would not have been beneficial to me.
I feel for you being an only child, this leaves the entire burden on you. Sometimes getting things done is a way for some to grieve or be in denial. It is hard to tell. Everyone grieves differently and each person should grieve their own way that is beneficial to them.
Take care of yourself. This is the time of year that grief workshops are held. churchs or hospice. There might even be helpful references on funeral home or mortuary websites, sometimes they list places that have grief workshops.
God bless you and you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Permalink Reply by patricia on March 4, 2010 at 9:40pm

iam so sorry to hear of your loss and i know maybe no words can even come close as to what you feel , but i can only say i went threw the same pretty much as i felt all lone, i did find out about the hospice class's and belive me they were so very helpfull, when i felt none under stood they did and their were others going threw things that i was , and i was finely realizing iam not the only one going threw something, and it hurts still to this day , my mom passed away sept 25 . her lungs couldnt do their job any more and we watched our mother actuly get gassed type like , i love her so much and will miss her every day , and i to have a dad still livng that is now 85,he loved her so much and it hurt when we saw him hurt. the hurt will sometimes come a little easer , but you wont ever get over it it will just come a little softer, thanks i dont know if i help any but want youto know we care, and please look into hospice you can call them and they are good people that can help they are their for you to ,, oh my mom had copd was 82 going on 83, so she suffered ,thanks have a good night , and yes its ok to feel and cry its your mother to , you are grieving to ...

Permalink Reply by Priceless on March 7, 2010 at 2:27pm

Grief is stressful. Crying is a good stress releaser. In time the crying will be less and less. Anniversaries of their death and holidays will be hard. I often thought that I was taking it too good. Even though I cried and felt lost, I still somehow felt that my grief was not so heavy in a way. That I was grieving too well. I had read that sometimes a word or phrase can start a person crying. It did me. I was anticipating a great week of getting away and relaxing and the first night the word death was mentioned & I started crying and could not stop. I tried to hide it best I could since I was in a group of people, most of which I did not know. A few did know of the loss of my parents. I did not come there to grieve, I can to get away; but the grief came right along with me. The week ended up really well, as spoke with several people about my loss. After the week was over, I felt much better.
Another year past and I again attended and was in a workshop on changes and we all had different losses. Hearing all the loss and then my own that I had to say out loud, just started to make me cry. I finally just put my head down onthe table andhad a good cry. It helped and again after the week was over with, I came away much better.
Now as my Dad's birthday is up coming, I will look for ways to honor him. Also for Easter. I was always went home for weekend and there still is no home to go home to. Sometime the grief seems less and other times it is foremost on my mind. Dad and Mom are always with me.
Yesterday I did find peace. Peace that Mom and Dad would like. It will be a change for me and once again I will have to let go; however I feel my heavy searching is lightened by 99%. It wasn't as hard as I thought; however, now I have to let go of the past xx + years. I have to go with the peace, as what I am doing keeps me lost in a soft way. So I have to move forward and ease my heart. I feel so much better, more at peace already I can only imagine how Great it will be when I am fully there. A new beginning!

Permalink Reply by Belinda Rhodes on March 15, 2010 at 8:18am

Sharon,

I read your story, and I am asking myself some of these very questions. I just joined and really have not developed a friendship status. I am going to request you be my friend. My story is different in the loss of mom, butI have 6 sisters. I cannot imagine doing this solo. I am sorry for you loss, I am sure she was your everything. Belinda