Missing my Mom

Hello,

I'm new here and don't really know where else to go to get some advice. I came across this site randomly while searching the internet for help and the people here seem to be very understanding and compassionate.

I lost my Mom 10 days ago. She had spent 10 years in a long term care facility after a massive stroke. My Dad is still alive and doing well. I am married and have two children and 3 grandchildren.

The problem is, I have not had any time to just miss my Mom. From the first day my Dad expected me to take on the full load of making arrangements, filling out paperwork, tending to his needs as he is a senior and doing anything else that needed to be done. The very first day she was gone I made dinner, did the dishes and was expected to carry on as if nothing had happened. My Dad is putting constant pressure on me to get things done and he tells me he needs these things finished so "he can have some closure". Nobody seems to realize that I lost my Mom too.

My husband was kind and caring and helpful with arrangements, etc. for the first 12 hours or so and then it was back to business as usual. I feel like I am very alone. Even other family members that have never experienced the loss of a parent or loved one don't seem to understand. They say "Oh, it was for the best. She was suffering" and expect me to just suck it up and carry on. I have not had one day that I could just sit and cry. I miss my Mom terribly and I feel so sad. I put on a smile so as not to upset anyone else and I keep things to myself.

I actually had to go back to work today and I am having a really hard time concentrating or staying on task.

Can anyone help me to understand why my family and friends are just not getting it? Do they not know that I have just lost my Mom and really all I need is a little bit of compassion and maybe something nice done for me instead of me still doing for everyone else?

I am an only child so there are no siblings.

Thanks for listening.

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Permalink Reply by jeanine on March 15, 2010 at 11:00am

Sandra,

You have to stop doing all this on Their speed. Just lock yourself up in your bedroom, or go away for a few days. Or just plain say No, I'm grieving too. I'll get to it as soon as "I" can.

I lost my Mom August 7th and it isn't any easier today than it was then. I have one sister but I may as well be an only child because she didn't do ANYTHING to help. In fact, when I mentioned to her that the funeral was going to be about $9,000 and I didn't know how I was going to pay for it, she told me "Well, I think you should shop for a better deal... we have friends in the business and they told me they could do a funeral for $900"

My reply was that "you can't bury a dog in a box in a hole in the ground for that... let alone fly them 1000 miles and have a service etc."

That was the last day I spoke to my sister, and I still haven't put a gravestone on Mom's grave yet. I feel terribly guilty for that, but I just haven't had the energy,time, wear"withall" to do it yet. Considering I've had to clean out her house that was 3 hrs away and get it sold and all the rest of the "stuff". All Alone.

So, do it at your speed. Or, the other people can do it themselves. End of story.

Permalink Reply by Cheryl on March 15, 2010 at 11:05am

Kathryn said:

I am so sorry to learn of the loss of your mom. Truly and terribly sorry.

I, too, am an only-child. I envy people with siblings to share not only the burden of dealing with the "paperwork" of death but also the memories of my beloved father. There is a lot of work as an only-surviving child -- in the midst of overwhelming loss. I have handled my dear father's entire estate without any help -- while still being a mother and wife -- and there have been times I have certainly resented it. Grief is hard work and emotionally exhausting.

I have found that most people just don't get it. In a way, I am glad that they don't because it means that they haven't suffered the loss we have. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.

I have learned to tell people what it is that I need from them and to say "no". When people spout useless platitudes I tell them that their words are unhelpful or hurtful. I let people know what they can do to help me. I also tell people that I am unable to do certain things presently. I don't know if that could help you -- but it has helped me.

Anyhow, whatever you do Sandra, I am sending you hugs via a stupid computer. I am sorry we share such a horrible loss.

Kathryn

Having siblings does not change the need to grieve, nor does it mean that you can share the grief, or burdens of losing a parent. I am not an only child, and we all grieve differently. The day I lost my dad, it was me at the mortuary making arrangements, by sibling was and is clueless. And it is still me helping my mom. The only people we should envy are the fortunate ones that have not lost a parent(s)