Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Lisa R. on March 15, 2010 at 9:32pm

Janelle,

OMG, girl we are almost in the same boat...well, kinda...my Dad passed away 8 days ago, Sunday, March 7th, @ 8:24 p.m., and we have not ever seen eye to eye on pretty much anything...however! I was the one who bathed him, gave him his meds, changed his clothes, etc. and slept in his bedroom in a lawnchair for almost 3 wks. when he passed of lung cancer/throat cancer/COPD, and let me tell you Janelle sweetie, it wasn't always peaches and cream with he and I...well, the long and the short of it was that I'm caucasion, he's caucasion, and my children are bi-racial (african american/caucasion) and as you can imagine, when I first started dating, he didn't like it one bit so he decided to berate me and degrade me/pick on me at every turn but I never, ever disrespected him verbally, socially, mentally, physically, etc. even though he was in the wrong, I never stopped loving my Dad and I knew that he didn't have an open mind or heart when I first started dating...BUT, when my children came along, he loved the heck out of them with no reserve even though he continued to down me in front of friends (not just racially, about anything) and family I guess thinking it harmless, but I'll deal with that later...anyway, in those last weeks and days that we talked he apologized for all the wrong he'd done and even prayed that if he got better he'd be a better person, but unfortunately, he wasn't gonna get any better and I didn't really care about apologies or prayers, I just didn't want my Daddy to die...he was young, just turned 62 on Feb 15th and had been battling cancer for 6 yrs which started w/colon cancer and before they caught it with surgery and chemo it got through hes colon wall into his lymph nodes and moved into his throat/neck, and then into his lungs. I never wished any ill will on my Dad for the things he's done/said because I know that that was how he was raised and he had tunnel vision, even though people change he wouldn't for the world, but 3 days before he died when he couldn't talk anymore or even blink, I told him that I forgave him and the last words he ever said/mouthed to me was "I love you too, Baby". Nothing in this world, no put downs, no hatred, no anything mattered except those words and that we were on good terms when he passed.

So Janelle, please know that no matter how much time or space was between you and your Dad, or for how long, God had a plan that in the end was all that mattered...I know I probably sound way off with what I wrote but believe when I tell you I'm feeling you and nothing can take away the pain no matter how far or close you two were...your Dad knows that you love him, I sure get that impression and I don't even know you:) Your heart is in the right place and he knows that, too...for me to show my love for my Dad I just have to keep him memory alive no matter how little or how much you have of him, you'll always be a part of him and him of you...keep your head up and God Bless You

Permalink Reply by Janelle on March 16, 2010 at 6:39pm

Hi Lisa,
Thank you for taking the time out to read my post. I was a little unsure on how people would perceive me when I wrote what I did. I did not really go through all of the post to see. Mostly I kept seeing people that seemed as they had a solid relationship with their Father.

It takes a strong person to go through what you did with your Dad and I commend you for your strength and being there for your Dad when he needed you the most.

Thank you for leaving your kind words and reassuring me. I have been praying myself through this and I am feeling a little better as each day passes. I will miss him though.

Lisa R. said:

Janelle,

OMG, girl we are almost in the same boat...well, kinda...my Dad passed away 8 days ago, Sunday, March 7th, @ 8:24 p.m., and we have not ever seen eye to eye on pretty much anything...however! I was the one who bathed him, gave him his meds, changed his clothes, etc. and slept in his bedroom in a lawnchair for almost 3 wks. when he passed of lung cancer/throat cancer/COPD, and let me tell you Janelle sweetie, it wasn't always peaches and cream with he and I...well, the long and the short of it was that I'm caucasion, he's caucasion, and my children are bi-racial (african american/caucasion) and as you can imagine, when I first started dating, he didn't like it one bit so he decided to berate me and degrade me/pick on me at every turn but I never, ever disrespected him verbally, socially, mentally, physically, etc. even though he was in the wrong, I never stopped loving my Dad and I knew that he didn't have an open mind or heart when I first started dating...BUT, when my children came along, he loved the heck out of them with no reserve even though he continued to down me in front of friends (not just racially, about anything) and family I guess thinking it harmless, but I'll deal with that later...anyway, in those last weeks and days that we talked he apologized for all the wrong he'd done and even prayed that if he got better he'd be a better person, but unfortunately, he wasn't gonna get any better and I didn't really care about apologies or prayers, I just didn't want my Daddy to die...he was young, just turned 62 on Feb 15th and had been battling cancer for 6 yrs which started w/colon cancer and before they caught it with surgery and chemo it got through hes colon wall into his lymph nodes and moved into his throat/neck, and then into his lungs. I never wished any ill will on my Dad for the things he's done/said because I know that that was how he was raised and he had tunnel vision, even though people change he wouldn't for the world, but 3 days before he died when he couldn't talk anymore or even blink, I told him that I forgave him and the last words he ever said/mouthed to me was "I love you too, Baby". Nothing in this world, no put downs, no hatred, no anything mattered except those words and that we were on good terms when he passed.

So Janelle, please know that no matter how much time or space was between you and your Dad, or for how long, God had a plan that in the end was all that mattered...I know I probably sound way off with what I wrote but believe when I tell you I'm feeling you and nothing can take away the pain no matter how far or close you two were...your Dad knows that you love him, I sure get that impression and I don't even know you:) Your heart is in the right place and he knows that, too...for me to show my love for my Dad I just have to keep him memory alive no matter how little or how much you have of him, you'll always be a part of him and him of you...keep your head up and God Bless You

Permalink Reply by Kathleen on March 17, 2010 at 9:13am

Hi Janelle -

I was also estranged from my dad, who passed away last August. I also avoided seeing him after I learned of his diagnosis, and thought that I would have more time, and when I saw him last he was in a coma. I also struggled with anger at my dad while he was alive. I also feel really guilty and beat myself up a lot about what happened, and didn't happen, when my dad was alive. So I really do know how you feel.

Because we were estranged, I was surprised at how hard I took my dad's death. But it's not just his death, it's the whole closure thing. On the one hand I am relieved that I no longer have to try to repair our relationship; on the other I'm really, really sad that it was the way it was.

I am struggling to accept that even though I loved him, he was not the father I wanted him to be, and also to try to remember and appreciate him for who he actually was. To try to forgive myself for my anger, and to forgive him for doing the things he did (or didn't) that hurt me.

If I could have talked about this with him, he would not have been who he was!

I'm not very far along in dealing with it, so I don't really have words of wisdom. But I wanted to let you know that at least one other person out there responded just the way you did when their parent, from whom they were estranged, died. I don't think it's unusual at all.

You love your dad, and you wanted something other than what you had with him. That's not wrong. It's not your fault. It's hard to accept. But it doesn't make you a terrible person. You wanted your dad around you like every child does!

I wish you well. Thanks for sharing what happened to you, it helped me too.

Take care,

Kathleen

Permalink Reply by Terri on March 27, 2010 at 7:15pm

I think I know a little how you feel. I was not close to my dad either. There were alot of reasons. I did get to spend a little time with him before he passed but i still feel guilty for not spending more time with him. I think for me, I have to understand that relationships are two way and he did have some opportunity and didn't take it either. I could not be totally responsible for the relationship. Please don't beat yourself up. Please remember, relationships are two way and there was some responsibility on your dad's side too.

Permalink Reply by Janelle on April 16, 2010 at 9:24am

Thank you ladies for responding to my post....I was kind of apprehensive in posting my feelings but I had to let it out. Since then I feel a lot better. Everyday is a work in progress but I believe that things are and will get better. Thank you again!