I lost my Mom on February 20, 2010 when she decided that she did not want dialysis treatments any longer. The first year after my Dad passed on February 16, 2008 seemed to go pretty smoothly, but in February of 2009 she suffered a stroke and it was found that she also suffered from congestive heart failure and chronic renal disease. She was started on dialysis during this hospital stay. I had so hoped it would just be temporary, but as the months went by I accepted the fact that it was going to be forever. We hired staff to come in and spend the day with her as she had to be taken to dialysis three times a week and was on home oxygen therapy and needed assistance with cooking and cleaning. She had significant short term memory loss and could no longer take care of herself independently. She had her good days and bad days and my brothers and I came to the realization that she would not be able to stay by herself any longer after her third hospitalization in July of 2009. She was transferred to a nursing home 5 minutes away from her home. She never could accept that was her home now and would constantly ask when she was going to get well enough to go back home. In October of 2009 when I was taking her back to the nursing home after one of her dialysis treatments she told me that she didn't want to have the treatments anymore. I asked her if she understood what that would mean and she said she knew she would die. I pleaded with her to change her mind and after a rather tearful exchange in the parking lot of the nursing home she agreed to continue with the treatments. On February 9, 2010 she had to be admitted to the hospital for mental status changes. Her medications were adjusted and she was sent back the nursing home on February 12th, 2010. On February 16, 2010 she once again had to be admitted to the hospital for mental status changes and a GI Bleed. I knew she was having a hard time because it was the two year anniversary of our Dad's passing. I could tell by talking to her that things were quite different now. She looked so weak and frail and once again demanded to not have dialysis. My brothers and I discussed the situation and decided that we would not fight her on her decision. She had lost her husband of 59 years, lost her health and lost her home all within a 17 month period. I don't know if I could have adjusted to that much change either. Hospice was called in on February 19th and on February 20th she passed away peacefully in her sleep. I went back to work on February 23rd and I seem to either be in the depths of despair or angry, no middle ground. I'm trying to go through all the functions so as not to make anyone uncomfortable at work, but the co-worker that is in the office with me lost her mother the same day that I lost mine and she doesn't seem to understand why I don't want to talk about it. I'm struggling to get through work. It's as if I am working in quick sand. I feel so tired, lost, numb and alone. I find tears rolling down my face while I am working and when I get home I go off by myself so I can cry for as long and hard as I want without upsetting anyone else. I know it is going to just take time to get over this but the pain and loss gets to be too much sometimes. Can anyone suggest what I can do to start feeling like a part of the living society once again?