Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Priceless on March 9, 2010 at 9:21am

Delores, I am so sorry for your loss. Do you have vacation time that you can take? Even if it is just one day? Sometimes people think talking about it makes it better. When I lost my mom, after that funeral week, when I went back to work, each evening after work all I did was cry the evening away while watching mom's video tribute. I did not want to talk to anyone about it, all I wanted to do was cry. (I did talk about mom at work; however, it did not affect me until the end of the work day) Once the end of the work day came, I could not get home fast enough to cry the evening away. I did this for a week straight. After my Dad died and I did not go back to work for about 3 days after I got back to my home. I had things to do and also needed to have time to myself. The new manager was understanding. Another person did not appear to be. Sometimes trying to make it through a work day to be brave or have something constructive to do to take one's mind off of the grief for a little bit may seem constructive; however, crying is a very good constructive thing to do. I realize that nothing I can say can ease the pain of the loss of your mother, and the person who is talking about her mom and her loss may not realize that it is not benefiting you to hear about her loss since it makes it hard on you. This may be her way of grieving and her need to talk about it.
I cannot suggest when you will start to feel like a part of the living society again. Everyone grieves in their own way and should go with their grief; i.e. if when you are home in your room alone and feel the need to cry, cry, if you feel the need to pray, pray, if you feel the need to knee and pray (even if this is not your usual self) then knee and pray. If you cannot sleep and need to vent, come on this sight and vent. Or journal, you do not have to keep it. (computers are good for this). Sometimes taking a wellness day (vacation day) from work can be extremely helpful. Sleep, get plenty of rest; grief sapps the energy right out of a person. Maybe step back in your commitments(if you can), and take time for yourself. Be good to yourself, if you are not good to yourself, often times you can not be good for others(sorry to say that). Be selfish, this is your grief, your loss, your pain that you have to go on living with and need to deal with on your good terms. God Bless you.

Permalink Reply by Delores White on March 9, 2010 at 12:18pm

Dear PreciousOne, Thank you so much for your response. I purposely only took one day off. I thought my keeping my mind occupied at work that I wouldn't be able to dwell on the situation. It was such an unexpected shock. I was notified of her absolute refusal to continue with dialysis and the next evening she is gone. Although she knew me and my brothers she wasn't quite all there mentally and the pain medication they gave her would put her to sleep. We asked her if she knew how much we loved her and she said "Yes, I figured that out a long time ago." I've asked my supervisor for the day off tomorrow as I am pretty much caught up with my work. I think putting on this brave face for everyone is making me feel worse. My husband just doesn't know how to deal with my sorrow and I hate making him feel bad when he catches me crying. I seem to always be in the depths of despair or angry, no in between. Did you do that? You're so right about grief sapping the energy out of you. I have not motivation or interest to do anything. When I get home I sit and stare or cry. I manage to go through the motions of getting ready for the next days work, but that's about it. I feel scattered and I don't know if I'm ever going to be able to put the pieces back together again. My brothers have been very supportive and helpful through this terrible ordeal so I've been very fortunate in that regard, but I am three hours away and I don't get to see them as much as I want because of work and my husband being disabled. Again, thank you for your words of encouragement. They mean more than you will ever know. God bless you also.

Permalink Reply by Ruth on March 9, 2010 at 1:37pm

Hello,
I've just joined the group today and I'm glad that I found you all. My Mother passed in November 2009 , just 23 months after my Dad, who passed in Jan 2008, and it is so sad. I miss them terribly. I want to think this is a bad dream and that I will wake up, but the reality is that I know it is true. I just wish I had them back in my life. Others around me have stopped talking about her or asking how I'm doing, I guess they think everything is Ok, but it isn't. And only someone who has experience this can understand how it truly feels. This is such a lonesome feeling, caused I love my parents and spending time with them. It has been three months since my Mother passed and I wish to God, she had not left. She told me this day would come and that I had to carry on, but I just didn't think it would be this soon, I thought I had more time with them, they were both 72 when they passed. It's just so sad, I'm truly sad, that they are gone.

Permalink Reply by Delores White on March 9, 2010 at 1:52pm

Dear Ruth,
It appears a lot of people have lost both of their parents in a short span of time. I hadn't even come to grips that my Dad was gone and now Mom is also. I find myself re-running the pictures in my mind of our last day together. I know she loved us and I know she knew how much we loved her but it wasn't enough for her to want to stay. She missed Dad and her home too much and could never accept that the dialysis treatments were going to be forever. I know what you mean about all of this being a bad dream. I find myself dialing her phone number or wondering how her dialysis treatment is going every Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. I want to hug her and never let her go. I was going through her belongings from the nursing home and found her hairbrush. I pulled the hair out and put it in a locket I had. I wear it around my neck everyday. The pain is still there, but at least I have something of her close to my heart. I think we are the walking wounded and I wonder if we will ever be healed again. My Dad was 79 and Mom was 77 when they passed. Much too young. I hope the two of us learn how to smile again and mean it. Right now I feel like a robot. I just too tired and sad to care right now. Take good care of yourself and thank you so much for your response.

Permalink Reply by Ruth on March 9, 2010 at 3:30pm

Well, today is ending, we've made it through another day, and it hasn't been too bad, I've only cried once.

Permalink Reply by Mary Jo Scalise on March 9, 2010 at 11:12pm

Dear Ms. Delores, I am very sorry for the loss of your Mom, I understand how you feel, in a way. I lost my Mom on August 28, 2009 from renal failure also. I don't know what to tell you to help you. I know for me, I talked about my Mom constantly from her hospitalization, to rehab, and finally to the nursing home. I know people are different in their ways of grieving. We suffered a major loss in our lives. I lost my father on Feb 25, 1999. I think I took my mom's death harder than i did my dad. Anyway, don't let anyone push you into getting over your grief. It takes time to heal. If you are of any religion, go to church and pray, or do like I do, I visit my parent's graves as much as I can. My birthday was almost 5 weeks after her passing, so I took a cupcake and sang Happy Birthday to myself like she was there. I lived with her my whole life. There is not a day that goes by that I don't cry. But I remember the good times I had with her. and it helps me. I went back to work after the funeral and it was hard!! I worked the nite shift at the nursing home and I would've preferred to have a little more time off. But let yourself feel the emotions, that is the only way you will heal. I think you go through 5 or 7 stages of grief. and there is no timeline for that to end.
Take your time, you also are still grieving for your father, and your Mom passing didn't give you enough of time.

Permalink Reply by Mary Jo Scalise on March 9, 2010 at 11:17pm

I apologize for being so long winded! but know this, you have a guardian angel now watching over you! And your Mom's love will never leave you!! Just think of the good times and I pray that will get you through your grief. Or talk to your Pastor, maybe he/she can guide you along that path. I am grateful for Legacy.com for having a support place that people can meet. I will pray for you and your family in your difficult time... I wish I could help you more. Take care.

Permalink Reply by katlin on March 10, 2010 at 2:09pm

Hello Delores,
It is certainly understandable that you are dealing with so much emotion. You lost both of your parents in the last 2 years. I found that I had alot of anger when my brother died at age 13. Because I was told "God took him," I felt angry at God and didn't understand why this would happen. Since that time I was comforted with the truth that God did not take him. Sadly, when religious people say things like "God needed him or her" etc., it leaves us with a bad feeling, especially if we have seen them suffer.
The bible gives the true answers as to why God allows suffering. God certainly has not caused all the suffering in the world. In fact, God purposed for humans to live forever without ever dying at all. (Genesis 1:28, 2:16-17) The bible records a number of resurrection accounts where Jesus and others were able to bring people back to life. Of course, these individuals died again, but this shows on a small scale what Jesus has been empowered to do in resurrecting perhaps billions of people in the near future. Jesus himself said, "...the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his (Jesus) voice and come out...." (John 5:21, 28) When we see our loved ones again it will be without the sicknesses and health problems they had. They will have the prospect of living forever in a perfect world. "The meek will inherit the earth and find their exquisite delight in the abundance of peace."Psalms 37:11.
My Grandmother died last year at 100 years of age. She really did not want to die. If God wanted people to die it should be a natural process for all involved. But it isn't because that was not Gods purpose. I get so much comfort when I read the account where a good friend of Jesus' died and Jesus was filled with emotion and resurrected him. If you would like to read John chapter 11 you will see this for yourself.
Knowing this information will not take away your grief, but it can give you comfort knowing you will get to see your parents again. It is a part of the grieving process to be emotional. If you feel like writing my email is linkatlin@yahoo.com.

Permalink Reply by Delores White on March 11, 2010 at 5:38am

I feel so blessed to have all your wonderful words of hope and encouragement. I realize I'm not alone in my grief. I took the day off yesterday to sort through all Mom's photo albums and to just reflect on her and what steps I can take to try and work through this process. It appears that it is going to be an hour by hour process and there will be good days and bad day for the rest of my life. It will be a long hard road ahead for all of us but in the end I think all of us are going to be alright. I am taking my Mom's passing much harder than my Dad's because he had suffered from congestive heart failure for 24 years before passing. Mom's illness came upon us so suddenly. After Dad passed I just wanted to shower her with all the things they couldn't afford. Dad was a proud man and wouldn't accept help from any of us while he was alive. I just wanted to spoil her. I had her home redecorated, took her to spas and had her teeth pulled for dentures so she would feel comfortable smiling again. Instead of spending money on superficial things I should have taken her to the doctor for a complete physical. Perhaps we could have gotten on top of her health problems and she wouldn't have had to go through dialysis and she would still be here with us. I feel so guilty.

Permalink Reply by Priceless on March 11, 2010 at 12:55pm

Dear Delores, I was waiting for the anger, I felt a tinch of it. However; I just could not get angry. My mom had been in a nursing home for at least 5 years when Mom died and 3 months later Dad had by-pass surgery and died 3 weeks later. My sibling mentioned that Dad had started going down hill when he saw that mom was. Dad had gone to the doctor about 5 months before mom died in CHF. Grief brings out the hidden health aliments in us that seem to be just waiting to come out. My Dad's heart broke when mom died and when the doctor told him he had to have by-pass surgery, it needed to be taken care of, I saw a broken man. There was nothing I could do except try to fix him, by what the doctor/s said it had to be taken care of. We never thought he would not come out of it. It never even crossed my mind. However, once I saw Dad lying there in the hospital bed and he asked me if he was going to be OK, I told him the truth. Dad never liked anyone lying to him. So I told him the truth, the nurses were taken good care of him and they were doing all they can. Maybe I should not have said this. Even though Dad was helpless and he was depend on us kids to take care of him, I still could not lie to him. Dad was never sick and the surgery and Mom's death was a shock on him and a heart break. I really did not think Dad would die. Right up to the day Dad died I was still hoping that he would suddenly sit up and start talking and eating. But he never did.I think deep down I knew he would not. I had 3 weeks with Dad to be by his side. I know Mom was his soul mate and he would want to be with her. I told him out loud that it was OK if he wanted to go and be with Mom and God, even though I could only get part of it out, I told him in my thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I failed to take care of him. Like I failed him. I should have listened more to Dad; the doctor said it had to be done, so we went ahead with it, we did not want to lose Dad. There is no right or wrong way. I visited Mom and Dad's grave often when I had the chance, this helped a lot. I pray a lot and lean on God. I've read a lot of grief books, attended grief workshops/seminars/bereavement services. It helped me feel somewhat better to know I was not letting the grief control me, I was controling the grief by helping myself. Whether it was crying, sleeping, going to bed early to just rest and not really sleep, pray, visit their grave, look at pictures from their Celebration of Life, Pictures from the last year or two and pictures from years gone by. I still kept my outside of work commitments, and it was really hard, I thought this one meeting I was not going to get through without crying. I did back off some on this. I used my vacation time that I had available. I was so lost. I could go on and on. Sorry this is so long. God Bless.

Permalink Reply by Mary Jo Scalise on March 11, 2010 at 1:40pm

Dear Ms. Delores, Don't ever feel guilty about what happened to your Mom. You couldn't tell her what to do when it came to her health. I have the same feelings. I lived with my Mom all my life. and she never complained a day in her life of pain. yet I found her sitting in the same chair when I left for work that nite. (I worked 11-7 as a nurses aide)I tried too, yet she wouldn't listen to me until she couldn't take it anymore then she called me, crying to get home to take her to the hospital. by then it was too late. Her kidney failed due to a massive infection, and she went downhill after that. But you can't force your Mom to do things she didn't want to do. But you gave her a life where I bet she was happy and proud of you! You gave her time. that was important.We can look back and say if only we did this or that. I know, I feel it too. when I look at her bedside commode and see the bucket, if she would've let me empty it, I could've did something. she never let me touch it. I never knew. But enough about me. I am sorry about that. But it is going to take time, and I am glad that you are taking it step by step. Nobody can force you to get thru your grief and get back into society again!! Go thru your pictures and mementos and relive your life with your Mom again. When you start to smile thru your tears you will see that very slowly you can let go and live again. It doesn't mean that you are forgetting her, it means you are healing. Your Mom, I bet knows whats going on, and i bet she doesn't want you to feel bad. For me, I had a hard time dealing with my loss, I would call off from work and stay in bed and sleep. finally i went to my Dr. and she told me i suffering from depression. I told her how I felt responsible for not getting Mom the help she needed and my Dr. told me point blank, it wasn't my fault at all. It was her medical condition that led her down that path. What Im trying to say, is even if you did all that for your Mom, you couldn't stop what will eventually happen. Just know you are never alone. and you are in my prayers. take care.

Delores White said:

I feel so blessed to have all your wonderful words of hope and encouragement. I realize I'm not alone in my grief. I took the day off yesterday to sort through all Mom's photo albums and to just reflect on her and what steps I can take to try and work through this process. It appears that it is going to be an hour by hour process and there will be good days and bad day for the rest of my life. It will be a long hard road ahead for all of us but in the end I think all of us are going to be alright. I am taking my Mom's passing much harder than my Dad's because he had suffered from congestive heart failure for 24 years before passing. Mom's illness came upon us so suddenly. After Dad passed I just wanted to shower her with all the things they couldn't afford. Dad was a proud man and wouldn't accept help from any of us while he was alive. I just wanted to spoil her. I had her home redecorated, took her to spas and had her teeth pulled for dentures so she would feel comfortable smiling again. Instead of spending money on superficial things I should have taken her to the doctor for a complete physical. Perhaps we could have gotten on top of her health problems and she wouldn't have had to go through dialysis and she would still be here with us. I feel so guilty.

Permalink Reply by Delores White on March 12, 2010 at 5:29am

Dear Precious One,
So many things you talk about are similar to mine. I think Mom missed Dad so much that she gave up. I'm trying to accept that. Her love for us just wasn't enough to continue fighting and I'm beginning to understand that. Now I'm having to deal with my co-worker who just doesn't understand that just because I don't want to talk a lot doesn't mean that I am mad at her. I'm willing to talk about work or any number of subjects, just not about my Mom right now. I've managed to keep it together pretty good at work and if I start talking about Mom it makes me want to cry. Granted she lost her mother on the same day that my Mom passed, but she had been sick for over 4 years and I listened and supported her throug all of the good times and bad times. My mother's passing on the otherhand was very unexpected. She saids that I am rude by not talking to her and now I am torn as to what is expected of me at work. I continue to tell her good morning and to have a good evening but I am getting the silent treatment and that can make for a long day when your coworker works about 3 feet from you. I'm beginning to get tired of making the effort of trying to get things back on track to where they were before. I've read several articles on grief also and find that there is no expiration date for grief. It will get better when it gets better and I'm not going to try and rush it anymore. I'm in the process of working on my first vegetable garden this summer and I'm looking forward to doing something different and exciting. I've got to remember the good times and not the what could have, should have or would have beens. She will always be with me and I feel safe and loved with that knowledge. We will come out of this better people. I just know it. Take good care of yourself and thank you so much for your support.

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