Hi everybody,

I have never done anything like this before but I'm trying anything to help me cope with the loss of my Dad and I think it might help if I just get some things out. My Dad passed away last month after a very long battle with emphysema. He had been on a ventilator for three months, but his lungs were so damaged that he passed while on the vent. He isn't suffering anymore, and that thought is the only thing giving me any comfort right now. My Dad and I had such a special relationship... we loved hanging out together and watching sports or even just talking. In recent years, he wasn't able to get out much because he was oxygen dependent, but still my favorite part of the day was coming home from school and having lunch with him. It didn't matter that he couldn't go places or do things like most Dads... we just loved spending time together.

The worst part of all of this is that he was far too young to die. He had just turned 63 when he passed, and I'm a 20-year-old college sophomore. It hurts so much when I think about how he won't see me graduate college, or walk me down the aisle, or meet his future grandchildren. I thought about taking time off from school but I decided that he would have wanted me to do well and carry on in my classes, so I'm trying my best to do that, as hard as it is.

I know that I'm lucky to have had him in my life as long as I did, because some people lose their fathers at much younger ages, but I love him so much that it hurts and the thought of never seeing him or talking to him again makes me feel like I've been punched in the stomach. I find myself crying about him every single day, and I've been visiting the cemetery almost every day just to tell him about my day and things like that. It makes me feel better and closer to him, but is it normal for me to do that? I feel like my heart has been broken into a million pieces. I don't want to let my grief consume me, but on the other hand I'm afraid that if I suppress it I'll end up having a breakdown years later. Everyone keeps telling me that eventually I won't be sad all the time and instead I'll be able to think about the good memories and smile. I pray that one day I'll be able to do that, but right now it seems impossible.

Thank you for listening...

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Replies to This Discussion

Hi Cthomas. My name is Lisa and I just lost my Dad one week and one day ago...(March 7th at 8:24p.m., Sun). I too have lost my Dad way too soon. He just turned 62 on Feb 15th and that was actually the beginning of the end for him...he had a birthday party on the 13th and hadn't left his bedroom but once after that. You see, my Dad was diagnosed w/colon cancer 6 yrs ago, however they did get rid of that by surgery and chemo, but not before it got into his lymph nodes and he ended up with lung cancer as well as throat cancer later...he actually died from the lung cancer and COPD. I was priviledged enough to be one of two people to take care of my Dad in the month give or take before he passed...it was extremely difficult to see my Dad in the state he was in because in the end he couldn't close his eyes/mouth or even speak...all he did was shake and move his mouth like he was talking to the Angels the last week he was alive (or so I'd like to think)...but every chance I got I told him that I loved him and the very last thing he ever said/mouthed to me was, "I love you too, Baby". I can't tell you how much I miss him and you can never ever be prepared enough for the actual death, but like you said? The only comfort I do have is that he is no longer suffering and I believe in my heart of hearts that he is looking down on me and my family and my Mom...

What I do want to tell you is that I know it will get better because like we both know, our Father's are in a better place, and the answer to your question about whether or not it's weird for you to visit him and tell him about your day and ordinary things like that, well in my opinion, which I'm far from an expert, I think it's the best way to deal...I feel closer to my Dad just going into the room he passed in and smelling his unique smell and wrapping myself in his robe or kissing and hugging his picture...(by the way, my Mom had him creamated and he will soon be in her bedroom on her dresser but in a "companion" urn that she will be placed in when she passes so they will be together forever). I have cried at his Memorial and have had weak moments like when my 20 month old son got into the fridge and got out an "Ensure" and placed it on the floor in front of my Dad's door because my Dad couldn't eat anything for the past 6 months or so barely and when he drank those he usually shared them with my son, but I want you to know that nothing you do that makes you feel closer to your Dad can be weird/crazy if it makes you feel the least bit of comfort...you hang in there and should you need anyone to talk to, please, reply anytime...take care and keep your head up, know your Dad is right there with you putting his arms around you and giving you a big squeeze...I'd also like to think my Dad is doing the same for me...Lisa
Lisa,

I truly appreciate your taking the time to reply to me, especially given how much you are going through right now. I'm so sorry for your loss... it seems like our situations were kind of similar. I know what you mean when you say that it was hard to see your Dad like that. I don't know how my Dad was able to handle being stuck in a bed unable to speak for three months... I certainly don't have that kind of strength! I feel a bit better now about talking to him. It just seems so odd until you're in this position yourself, grasping at any chance to connect with someone you've lost.

Like your Dad, mine had trouble eating near the end and his main source of nutrition was Ensure. He and I used to drink them together actually because I'm trying to put on some weight as well. When he went on the vent he couldn't eat anymore, and he would always talk about how he was dying for an Ensure... I felt so guilty drinking them when he couldn't. I know it must have been heartwrenching to see your son take it out and put it by his grandfather's door, but it's pretty incredible that in the short time they had together your father and son were able to form that sort of bond.

I've decided to start a memory journal where I'm basically writing every random, silly memory I have with my Dad so that I'm sure I'll never forget them. The biggest thing I've learned from people who have lost a parent is that it's so important to keep that person alive... to tell stories about them to the people in your family (like your son) who didn't get a chance to really know him. That way, he'll never really be gone =)
C.,

You know, it's not too bad an idea to start a Memory Journal of sorts due to the fact that it really is hard to believe that my Dad has only been gone for 8 days and it seems like 8 weeks and I'm scared that after a few weeks it'll feel like a few years...I think it's a great idea! Thanks for that info:). I do know in time it'll get easier, but until then maybe we can stick together and try to remember our Dad's as the heroes they were to us and keep their legacy alive by the stories, pictures and love we have for them...God Bless You and please feel free to write to me anytime you feel as if you may be "losing it" or just let me know you're okay...I feel like we're buddies now and I too am not alone in grieving...thank you for "being there", it really does mean alot even though I don't know you, but we're kinda connected in a weird sorta way:) write soon, Lisa
I know how you are feeling... I lost my dad at a very young age two, he was 58 and he died suddenly. He did get to be at my wedding and see his two granddaughters.... the hard part for me is one of my girls remembers him and asks questions everyday about him and my youngest daughter was 20 days shy of her 1st birthday when my dad died. Plus my mom never met either of my girls cause she died in 2005. I thought things were getting easier and then just recently I found myself getting MAD and my anger was mostly directed at my mom and her death..... I miss my dad cause I was daddys little girls and I still cry every day and nght because of how much I miss them......You need to keep your head high and know that no matter what you do or where you are your dadis with you.
C.,
First off, I am very sorry for the loss of your dad. For me, I'm finding it extremely difficult to function without my dad. I lost him 02/22/2010 @6:20am, he was 66. There are now words that I can't seem to say anymore, because the words are now always associated with losing him (dea...,cemeta....,die...,caske..). I just started reading a book "How To Survive The Loss of a Parent:A Guide For Adults". I must say that between this website and the book, I KNOW I'm not losing my mind. I feel like my heart is broken also, and that it will never be whole again. I can't help but wonder that maybe our pain is so severe, because we did have our dad's longer than some. We've never known a world without daddy, and for me, (late 30's), I almost feel orphaned. I cry everyday, every few hours. I hope you find some understanding of this grief process, and again, I'm so very sorry we both lost our dads.
hey...

I know exectly how you feel. Im 24 years old and my dad was my best friend, I related to him more than anyone else in my life. We had more in common than most fathers & daughters I'd assume and his opinions and advice were so valuable to me. Now that I can't hear him... i feel lost. My dad meant so much to me... his voice, his face, his presence in my life... it's agony going on without him. It made life feel like it just wasn't as important anymore. I mean the fact that he's gone makes me feel so small. I'm having a hard time talking to him, almost like reality is taking the foreground... that he's just not with me anymore... and his soul isn't around me either... almost as though, where ever he is, he can't hear me. :( I'm not sure how to connect like you have, talking to him at the cemetary. He was cremated, and I do have his ashes, but not hearing him talk back to me has just closed my mind off. I feel like reality of life and death hit me in the face... and I don't feel as imaginative and creative anymore... like I was forced to grow up. My dad made me feel like a kid still. Having him there to protect me and look over me... now I feel like I'm all alone in this huge world... i have my mom but it's like I have to take care of her really so it's just not the same. I really don't have much advice to offer I suppose... we just have to keep our heads up and know that our fathers want us to lead long happy lives like they did... they have to want that for us. We'll make it through... :)
I lost my dad in March this year. He had spent nine weeks in 2008 the local hospital on vent. Came home on oxygen and feeding tubes. He had MS and was bedfast for 15 years.

I am taking it one day at time. My heart feels it has been broken too. just try to not look far in the future and give your credit for the progress you are making. I try to do one thing different that is postive each day.

Marsha
I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad to cancer on 27 Feb 2010. I am 23-years-old. He was 57. He was diagnosed with metastatic thyroid cancer in 2009 and passed away in exactly one year.
Like all of us here, i understand what you are going through. You must be a very brave person to go back to school immediately. I took 2 months off from work after dad passed away because being his primary caregiver for a year, i felt a tonne of bricks had fallen on me. I was emotionally, physically exhausted. I am back to work now and doing better.
My point is, we all have our own ways to grieve so don't worry about it. We are not in a normal situation anyway. If you feel the need to talk to your dad everyday at the cemetery. Just do it. Do whatever makes you feel better. I usually write letters to my dad almost everyday. It gives me peace of mind.
My heart feels heavy most of the day and is smashed into bits and it feels so strange that life is still moving on. How can the world go on i wonder?It is June already, 3 and a half months have passed yet my world stopped on Feb 27th.

But i do have faith. Things will get better for all of us. We just have to keep living life and things eventually will get better. We have to believe that don't we?Atleast, i have to believe that otherwise i won't be able to get out of bed.

I don't know if this helped you at all but we are all praying for you : )
I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your father. It is very normal to grieve the loss of a loved one. It definitely is not easy to cope with but God offers to help us in our grieving process. Psalms 34:18 says; "Jehovah is near to those that are broken at heart". And 2 Corinthians 1:3,4 says; "The father of tender mercies and the God of all comfort who comforts us in all our tribulation". Always know you can count on him and tell him all of your feelings just like you would a best friend.

I would like to share one more comforting scripture that has given me hope. It is found in John 5:28 & 29. "Do not marvel at this because the hour is coming in which all those in the memorial tombs will hear his voice and come out". Not only does God help us cope but he offers us a wonderful promise for the future where he will bring back to life those we have lost in death. You have the opportunity to be reunited with your father again.

I hope these scriptures have given you some comfort. My deepest condolences.


Claire
Cheryl said:
C.,
First off, I am very sorry for the loss of your dad. For me, I'm finding it extremely difficult to function without my dad. I lost him 02/22/2010 @6:20am, he was 66. There are now words that I can't seem to say anymore, because the words are now always associated with losing him (dea...,cemeta....,die...,caske..). I just started reading a book "How To Survive The Loss of a Parent:A Guide For Adults". I must say that between this website and the book, I KNOW I'm not losing my mind. I feel like my heart is broken also, and that it will never be whole again. I can't help but wonder that maybe our pain is so severe, because we did have our dad's longer than some. We've never known a world without daddy, and for me, (late 30's), I almost feel orphaned. I cry everyday, every few hours. I hope you find some understanding of this grief process, and again, I'm so very sorry we both lost our dads.
Hi C,

I am very sorry to hear about the loss of your father. My father also recently passed away on 2/22. He was also far too young to go, he was going to turn 55 this year.

I commend you on the strength to stay in school and move on with your life, because that it what we all have to do. He would be proud of your strength.

Never ask if it's normal to grieve the way you are grieving. Everyone grieves differently and handles their personal situations differently. There isn't anything wrong with the way you are handling things. Do what YOU need to do, don't worry about whether or not it's "normal".

I know reflecting on the good times seems impossible, but it's not. It will happen, whether it takes weeks or years, depends on your own process, but it will happen.

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