Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Marcella on April 8, 2010 at 2:56pm

Please do not end your life. Your father would not want to see you in such pain and he would not want you to join him either. I to know what is like to lose a parent I lost my mother on November 13th 2009. I too wanted to join her. But my mom would not have wanted that.You have to go on for those who are still alive and need you. You just hang in there. Be strong, god bless you and yours.

Love Marcella Bulahan

Permalink Reply by Stewart on April 8, 2010 at 4:07pm

Kena,
Hello there, The difficulty in coping with your greif is something that you can't get over and when my dad passed I was just a mess. and I was so angry, mad, sad, resentfull, and most of all I realy resented other people and friends being there because he was not here. And Many A time I have thought about suicide. But for you a deep so very deep feeling of loss when you lost your father is welling up inside you. and if your family and children can understand how sad you are this is half the battle. And if they are not understanding why you still feel this way then try and explaine to them. Now the most difficult thing is to explaine to another person exactly how you are feeling, but the KEY to being able to explaine is to be honest all the feelings of hurt and anger and everything that you feel and why you feel this way. THE beauty of this response is overwelming from others And if they are careing enough it will all become clear to them in a light of understanding that they can comprehend and if you want to cry then cry. anytime you like cry and if you feel like not doing anything today then don't. Please don't forget about the children as they will be hurting(sadly not for your father but for you) so bad and at this time when you are greiving you might not want them to see you. but BE honest and open with them and tell them that you are not happy but with there love you will grow stronger. Most people find it difficult to bring themselves to drop there guard(and show there emotions). But with you by there side you will all grow stronger and you will feel loved more and more that feeling you get inside only when you feel the love from others. I am truly heart felt and wish to give you a hug that only a father can provide.

Permalink Reply by Ashley Ventura on April 8, 2010 at 8:55pm

I know exactly how you are feeling, my father Michael Ventura passed away on January 4.2010, which is 3 days before my birthday. I am the youngest of three and I am only 22 years old. I have thought the same things that you have, to just get the chance to see him and give him a huge hug. But when it comes down to death, You have to realize that God needed that person more up there then that person was needed here. I can not wait for the day I get to see my father again, but you can not let those thoughts get the best of you. You do not want to put your 3 children and your husband in the same situation you are in with losing your father. The best advice I can say is that to know each day that your father is with you and watching over you and your family. I'm sure he is laughing with you and crying with you as well. I just try to be strong, not for me but for my family. Its the best way to be! I do not want my father to cry because he see's how sad I am, I would rather have him laughing with me at silly things my daughter does or silly memories I bring up to him when I pray! Just keep your head up!

Permalink Reply by Gina on April 9, 2010 at 12:28am

Your Daddy would want you to use your life to have fun and enjoy the gift of life.. Gina

Permalink Reply by Nicole on April 9, 2010 at 6:26pm

Hi Kena, I have also felt this way since my Dad passed. I was a total Daddy's girl. No one around you can understand. Your husband probably feels helpless and basically it can cause much distress to a family. I guess I feel that killing myself would be selfish. My kids need me and I'm loved by my mom and sister and brothers. I could never put my children and family through the same pain that I feel now. Plus it is part of life. Eventually we lose loved ones and eventually we will die and be with them again. Dealing with the loss of a Dad is soooo hard but it will get easier. We die when it is time for us to go. Chosen by God or your higher power. Your children need you because you are their mother. Your children ned a mom. If you feel like killing yourself you should get help immediately. I'm saying prayers for you. Please contact me anytime day or night. (734)771-8625. I don't normally givw my number out. I really am here and understand what you are going through. Please ca,, if you need anything. Nicole

Permalink Reply by LG on April 9, 2010 at 7:29pm

Kena, the best way to help redirect your thoughts is to talk to other people. It is very normal for bereaved folks to get depressed, sometimes to the point of considering suicide, but of course this only prolongs the grief for those left behind. You wouldn't want your family to grieve over two deaths at the same time. You might feel that joining your dad would end your pain, but it would certainly create more pain for your husband, kids, mom and friends. Kena, please do talk to someone about this, either a counselor or a clergy member - find a compassionate ear. Also, keeping yourself busy doing something you have always enjoyed, if you can, will help to ease your pain in time. Even doing repetitive things such as knitting, puzzles, walking, etc. can help. Right now you are just hurting and can't see beyond the pain. I promise it will hurt less after awhile. Please check back with us here and let us know how you are doing.

LG

Permalink Reply by Eden Jones on April 10, 2010 at 8:04pm

Hi Kena,
I have no words that can help i just know how you feel my father died Feb 16, 2010. He was the only one in my life that loved me with no conditions. he has live with us for 10 yrs and the last five were a struggle for him lost 3 limbs to diabetes then kidney failure in a wheel chair and he fought every day we didnt have a funeral but a celebration of life last sat. I thought that was gonna help me and it did the first couple days after but now iam so sad again paranoid that iam gonna loose something else. I have put a huge wedge between me and my Husband and i know iam driving him crazy. Then my 2 boys ages 14 &5 see me so sad and my oldest is a worrier just like me. I went to my doctor a few days after he died and i told him i needed meds for a heartache he put me on pristque and that made me have crazy thoughts and i take xanex at night to help me sleep. If you find any comfort please share it with me.
thank you and know you are not alone you are the first one that i have read that i can truely relate.

Permalink Reply by Robin Pollard on April 11, 2010 at 12:44pm

Mildred Pollard (1932-2009)


Kena, my heart goes out to you and all who have lost a parent.

My mother left quietly and peacefully on October 15, 2009. That week, she wasn't feeling well and I decided to leave work early to ensure that she was taking in some kind of nourishment and fluids. While at home, I was cleaning like a fiend (for some reason) and around 5:45 p.m., she was getting ready to go to bed. Her last words to me were "Thank you for coming home to take care of me and the house looks so nice."

Later, I had fallen asleep on the couch (waiting for the clothes dryer to stop) and woke up around 9:50 p.m. When I took the laundry upstairs, I found mom lying on the bathroom floor. I couldn't figure out why she decided to sleep there except to think that maybe she had gotten dizzy, laid there for a moment, and fell asleep. I could hear her snoring (of which was not unusual for me to hear when she slept). I made every attempt to "wake her up." I then called 911 and the dispatcher asked me if she was breathing. I told them "yes - can't you hear her?" When the EMTs and police officers arrived, I still kept saying that she was just sleeping. It was when I heard one say, "start CPR" -- it hit me like a sledgehammer. One officer told me that they were in contact with the emergency room physician and that they would do everything that they could. I asked him "is it that bad?" He responded, "yes" -- I then told him to let her go. I knew that mom didn't want to be confined to a wheelchair, in a nursing home, or hooked up to tubes to sustain her life. (I was later told that the "snoring" that I heard was termed the "death rattle" and that she was gone when I initially found her.)

Yes, I was in shock - my mom was not only my mom (and dad), but my best friend. We lived together 53 our of my 54 years and we were like "frick and frack." If you were as close to your dad as I was to my mom, please find peace and solace within yourself that your dad knew that you loved him, he loved you and that you have no regrets for what you didn't have an opportunity to tell him while he was living.

I have no siblings or relatives here -- but the support from friends has been overwhelming. You have your family and friends that love you and want to support you - don't refuse their help or feel that you have to face this alone. Instead, let them help you through the pain and grieving.

This was mom's "decision" to leave in her own way with grace, peace, and no pain. (She used to threaten me about taking a vacation all by herself . . . when I'd ask her where she was going . . . she'd say "none of your business" and have that twinkle in her eye. She told me that she needed some money and I would tell her that $5 ought to take care of it. We'd both laugh hysterically over that one.)

Your dad continues to walk surrounded by love, joy, peace, and happiness -- Kena, see him in your own children. His life and legacy will flourish through you and them. Take time for yourself and think about the memories . . . I always smile when I do and it helps me to realize how much I was loved by this special woman that had strength, determination, pride, and was just a "spit fire" until the very end.

I hope that my story helps you, Kena. You will continue to do your dad proud.

(Smiling) -- I guess mom took that vacation after all without me. I know she's having a blast and I'll always have the memories that make me smile or laugh until I cry.

Feel free to contact me if you'd like . . . as you can see by the comments, you are not alone.

Hugs and love,

Robin Pollard

Permalink Reply by Jimmy Hickey on April 12, 2010 at 1:05pm

Please talk to as many family members and friends as you can until this feeling passes !!! I promise you it will pass !! I wont sugar coat it for you the pain your feeling is real and it is the worst feeling you could ever have ! Remember that others have been through the same and they made it which means you will to !! Be strong for the living and honor him by sharing all the great things he brought to us when he was still with us !! He will be waiting for you trust me on that one..!!

Permalink Reply by Denise on April 25, 2010 at 10:24am

Kena,
I know how you feel. My dad leftt this earth to be with his Father in Heaven on January 11, 2010. I didn't get to say goodby to my dad. He went so quickly. He got up that morning got ready to go to the doctor, went to my mom's car to see if she had enough gas for work, and passed away in her car. He was already gone when Mom found him. We all met at the hospital which is less than a mile for Mom's house. The doctors continued CPR for a while to no avail. They let us into the room once they finished working on him. It was such a shock to see him that way! Yet he looked so peaceful! From that moment, all I wanted was to go be with him. Dad would have been 72 April 1, and I am 51. I never thought losing Dad would be this hard for me. It has rocked my world. It's like time has stood still for me.

It's April now, and while I don't think about being with him everyday, I still have moments where I do want to go. There were times where I wanted to committ suicide but that never really has been an option for me. I still have a 16 year old daughter who needs me. Plus my dad had for several years made us promise him that if he went first we would take care of Mom. I can't do that if I am gone.

Long before Dad died, I had been diagnoised with clinical depression and an anxiety disorder. I have taken medication for it for several years. Shortly before Dad died, I decided to go off of the medication which didn't seem to be working anymore. I actually was doing quite well, even did okay the week of his funeral. For about a month, I managed without the medication. However, as the desire to die persisted, and my stress level at work grew more intense (I am a special education teacher), I realized that I was going to have to go back on the medication.

Once I did, the intense desire to die left me. I'm still very sad and miss my dad very much, but it is becoming easier to live without him. Not saying that my grief is any less because it isn't. I have a long way to go before I can say I am anywhere near normal. Having the desire to keep living though has made it much easier to get through each day.

My advice to you would be to seek medical attention for the depression if you haven't already. That will help. Talk to people, like you are here. I'm finding it hard to talk to family and friends about how I feel. That is what drove me to find this site. I asked my mom the other day how she dealt with her mom's death. Mom told me the best thing she did was to write her a letter. That got me to thinking, so I started looking for a place online where I could write. I'm started my own private blog on this site where I can write letters to dad. It's a place for me to express myself. I wrote my first entry yesterday. Strangely, it helped. I cried and it caused me to have some strong emotions for the rest of the day but it did help!

Denise

Permalink Reply by Kena Kirby on April 26, 2010 at 7:22am

Denise said:

Kena,
I know how you feel. My dad leftt this earth to be with his Father in Heaven on January 11, 2010. I didn't get to say goodby to my dad. He went so quickly. He got up that morning got ready to go to the doctor, went to my mom's car to see if she had enough gas for work, and passed away in her car. He was already gone when Mom found him. We all met at the hospital which is less than a mile for Mom's house. The doctors continued CPR for a while to no avail. They let us into the room once they finished working on him. It was such a shock to see him that way! Yet he looked so peaceful! From that moment, all I wanted was to go be with him. Dad would have been 72 April 1, and I am 51. I never thought losing Dad would be this hard for me. It has rocked my world. It's like time has stood still for me.

It's April now, and while I don't think about being with him everyday, I still have moments where I do want to go. There were times where I wanted to committ suicide but that never really has been an option for me. I still have a 16 year old daughter who needs me. Plus my dad had for several years made us promise him that if he went first we would take care of Mom. I can't do that if I am gone.

Long before Dad died, I had been diagnoised with clinical depression and an anxiety disorder. I have taken medication for it for several years. Shortly before Dad died, I decided to go off of the medication which didn't seem to be working anymore. I actually was doing quite well, even did okay the week of his funeral. For about a month, I managed without the medication. However, as the desire to die persisted, and my stress level at work grew more intense (I am a special education teacher), I realized that I was going to have to go back on the medication.

Once I did, the intense desire to die left me. I'm still very sad and miss my dad very much, but it is becoming easier to live without him. Not saying that my grief is any less because it isn't. I have a long way to go before I can say I am anywhere near normal. Having the desire to keep living though has made it much easier to get through each day.

My advice to you would be to seek medical attention for the depression if you haven't already. That will help. Talk to people, like you are here. I'm finding it hard to talk to family and friends about how I feel. That is what drove me to find this site. I asked my mom the other day how she dealt with her mom's death. Mom told me the best thing she did was to write her a letter. That got me to thinking, so I started looking for a place online where I could write. I'm started my own private blog on this site where I can write letters to dad. It's a place for me to express myself. I wrote my first entry yesterday. Strangely, it helped. I cried and it caused me to have some strong emotions for the rest of the day but it did help!

Denise

Permalink Reply by Kena Kirby on April 26, 2010 at 7:22am

Kena Kirby said:

Denise said:

Kena,
I know how you feel. My dad leftt this earth to be with his Father in Heaven on January 11, 2010. I didn't get to say goodby to my dad. He went so quickly. He got up that morning got ready to go to the doctor, went to my mom's car to see if she had enough gas for work, and passed away in her car. He was already gone when Mom found him. We all met at the hospital which is less than a mile for Mom's house. The doctors continued CPR for a while to no avail. They let us into the room once they finished working on him. It was such a shock to see him that way! Yet he looked so peaceful! From that moment, all I wanted was to go be with him. Dad would have been 72 April 1, and I am 51. I never thought losing Dad would be this hard for me. It has rocked my world. It's like time has stood still for me.

It's April now, and while I don't think about being with him everyday, I still have moments where I do want to go. There were times where I wanted to committ suicide but that never really has been an option for me. I still have a 16 year old daughter who needs me. Plus my dad had for several years made us promise him that if he went first we would take care of Mom. I can't do that if I am gone.

Long before Dad died, I had been diagnoised with clinical depression and an anxiety disorder. I have taken medication for it for several years. Shortly before Dad died, I decided to go off of the medication which didn't seem to be working anymore. I actually was doing quite well, even did okay the week of his funeral. For about a month, I managed without the medication. However, as the desire to die persisted, and my stress level at work grew more intense (I am a special education teacher), I realized that I was going to have to go back on the medication.

Once I did, the intense desire to die left me. I'm still very sad and miss my dad very much, but it is becoming easier to live without him. Not saying that my grief is any less because it isn't. I have a long way to go before I can say I am anywhere near normal. Having the desire to keep living though has made it much easier to get through each day.

My advice to you would be to seek medical attention for the depression if you haven't already. That will help. Talk to people, like you are here. I'm finding it hard to talk to family and friends about how I feel. That is what drove me to find this site. I asked my mom the other day how she dealt with her mom's death. Mom told me the best thing she did was to write her a letter. That got me to thinking, so I started looking for a place online where I could write. I'm started my own private blog on this site where I can write letters to dad. It's a place for me to express myself. I wrote my first entry yesterday. Strangely, it helped. I cried and it caused me to have some strong emotions for the rest of the day but it did help!

Denise

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