My father died this past Saturday, he was buried yesterday. I was told by his third wife not to attend or she would have me thrown out. She did not include me on the list of survivors in the obituray. I feel completly grief striken and angry.
Relations have never been good with my father but when he married the third wife she did everything she could to cutt me off. She managed to do it several years ago and I just did not have the energy to fight her becasue I was in the losing battle, my father went along with her. Two years ago when he was in the hospital I went to see him, at first she was not going to let me see him, but a nurse asked him if he wanted to see me and he said yes. However, he never said he was sorry for not contacting me and cutting me out of his life. I had to aplogise to his wife - that was hard. However, the damage was done.
I just do not know how to deal with this. I have only discussed this with two of my friends, my other friends I said he died years ago - because I truly felt that way.
Is there anybody out there that has experienced this - I would love to hear from you or if anyone has any suggestions on how to pick up the pieces now.

Thanks,
Gin

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Replies to This Discussion

Dear Ginny,
I would like to express my sincere condolence at the loss of your father. Don’t hold back your tears! Crying helps ease the pain of grief and communicate your feelings with a trusted friend . Keeping your feelings bottled up inside may make it difficult for you to deal with your grief.You may not never be able to find out what went wrong with you and your Father.His wife was very wrong not include you on the list of his survivors in the obituray that was just plain wrong. Picking up the pieces will take some time keep this in mind: “God is near to those that are broken at heart; and those who are crushed in spirit he saves.” (Psalm 34:18)
Hello Ginny,

I can't say that I have experienced this on a personal level, but I have seen so many parents who were destructive. I would like to suggest a book to you,
Toxic Parents by Susan Forward. There is a chapter in the book that describes how you can confront a parent who is deceased. I am thinking that if you followed the suggestions in the book, you might be able to heal yourself from what you have been through.
I can totally understand your friend saying ...'he died years ago', but IF you don't find some way to come to a resolution for yourself, it's always going to
be a thorn in your side.

I have no doubt at your Dad's passing all that he had been, and all that he SHOULD have been, as a parent to you, came flooding to him.

Saying a prayer for you and wishing you ~ personal peace.

Look for Toxic Parents on www.amazon.com I am certain you will
find some used copies at a very reasonable price.

XO XO
Deb
Im so sorry ur stepmom treated u so coldly Gin may god see u through and order ur steps my friend, I'm so sorry for ur loss.

Hello Gin,

 

My situation has similarities to yours. My father passed away early Thanks Giving day.Early Saturday morning, I powered up my computer as I always do to read the localnewspaper.  I turned to the obituaries as part of my daily update.  As I saw his name, I was completely shocked and stunned to say the least.

I too had a very rocky relationship with my father. Having two sisters and me being his only son, one would think he would cherish that knowing I would be the only one to make it possible to carry on with his lasts name, as well as his legacy. I may never know why my father carried this dislike or more so “hate” towards me. It is not like I was this harden criminal. I never robbed, raped, got involved in drugs or anything like that. Ok, I threw eggs and tomatoes at cars and houses when I was a teenager. I put myself through school and made something out of myself. It seems that the people I meet, like me.

 Fortunately, My name appeared in the obituary. However, none of my family attempted to contact me. One family member did tell me that they suggested to my father while he was on his death bed that it would be a good idea to get a hold of me. His reply was “No”. At first, I too felt completely grief stricken and angry. On the up side, I did go to the funeral. I arrived 15 minutes late purposely simply to avoid a possible distraction on having people turning their heads to look back to see if I was there for my father’s funeral. My intent was to be the last one there and the first one out. Somehow,

someone probably spotted me and the word got all the way to the front where my mother and two sisters sat. As soon as the funeral ended, it appeared my sisters and mother moved quickly as they could in order to catch me. In addition, they did. (I did not mention this earlier, but 9 years has passed since I had any contact with my family. My father was a very controlling man. He had a way to make sure my mother as well as my sisters had no communication let alone having nothing to do with me.)I never received such a worm welcome. In fact, my older sister, who was my father’s pride and joy, hugged me for the first time in all my 48 years of life. I actually became the star attraction of the whole funeral. It is supposed to be my mother getting all the condolences. I was so over whelmed I totally forgot to introduce my wife to everyone. I later apologized to her. I never once showed my feelings or hurt or how I felt that no one ever contacted me. I decided it was not going to be about me. Although, it is hard to let go of 9 years and no contact from my family, but at least I am convinced my family has accepted me back in. Although I am very guarded in jumping in. I too need the time to heal. I felt a lot of guilt hanging over me and with all that has gone on has thrown me into this deep depression. I thank God that the "hate" I had for my father had finally gone away. Although with his passing, I would give anything for him to be alive and be with his family and remain where I have been the last nine years. I guess I really did love my dad.

 Although the similarity is that we both had a rocky relationship with our father, we have to come to except them for whom they are and not so much, for what they did. Take your stepmother for example: She followed only your father’s wishes. It would appear your father had control and influence on your stepmother. Remember, it is what your father said of you to her. She probably had no reason not to believe in what he said or told her. I also believe if she is open minded, she could have or would have had the respect for you knowing you are your father’s son. Alternatively, possibly she could feel very threatened that she could lose material things. Remember, she is not your biological mother.

 I believe you are a great person going through a lot of hurt and pain as I am. I cannot say I feel your pain, however, I can relate to you. Look to God and look to those whom you love and trust and continue to talk to those people. You may never get the answer you are looking for but you will learn to accept it and find peace and closure. I know it is too early for me to say all of this to you, but I learned to accept it several month ago when the hatred I had for my father left me.  

You will do fine. Trust me.

 

Erik

i say f--- her , he was your dad and u were't always fighting with them. she can't take your memoires away.

Hi Gin,

My deepest sympathy on your loss.  People can be cruel.  I would say try to ignore your father's wife so she doesn't continually hurt you.  Go to where your father is buried and weep there and talk to him.   A very wise and kind minister went with me you my father's grave.  he brought two folding chairs, one for me to sit by my Dad's grave and one for him.  He sat a ways away praying.  He said for me to tell him everything I wanted to say until I was done. I did that.  Everything that was bothering me was resolved then and there.  I never had any more unsettling feelings in my Dad's regard.  Peace came upon me and has been with me all along now for over 20 years.  

Maybe this would work for you.  It gets your feelings out.  It gets them resolved in private.  Your Dad hears you.  God watches over you and knows all you want is love and peace.  Love and peace comes.  My hope is that it will for you.  Take your step-mother out of the equation.  What she thinks does not matter before, now or any more.  This is between your Dad and God.  They both love you and want you  to have a life of love and peace.  It will come for you.  I know it will.  Give it a chance. 

If you don't have a minister to do this with you, take a friend if you need support.  Or just go alone.  I still go to my Mom's grave, who died a few years ago, and I tell her what is on my mind.  I am resolving my relationship with her.  She knows I love her and she loves me.  It just helps to let out what builds up sometimes.  It is helpful for me to put flowers or something on the grave too. It is an expression of love which people can't mess with.

You could also write your Dad a letter doing the same sort of thing.  Just write and write until you are done with all those thoughts.  Somehow you have to get the unsettling feelings out of your system. If you don't, they will ruin your life making you sad and sick.  You don't want that.  God wants you healthy, happy and strong.  Your father wants that for you as well.

Try to forgive your step-mother.  People do things we never will understand.  Who knows what her motivation is or why she is that way.  Being so mean will make her ill as well.  Step out of that  dynamic.  Let her go.  Ignore it.  Or if you have to, tell her off but good.  Get it out of your system for ever.  Then be well my dear.  Your life counts.  You need to take care of yourself.  You matter.  It is very sad when people get treated so terribly.  But the only way to stop the pain is to get out your feelings in a safe way, privately and with your Dad and God.

See a psychologist if you can't get past this.  It really helps.  You don't have to be in a crisis to benefit from a therapist. They help us have appropriate reactions instead of us going off the deep end.

 

You are loved.  You are important.  You are beautiful.  I am so sorry for your loss.  Keep in touch with your father through the spirit of God.  You can talk to your father and know he hears you and understands.  This is not what he wanted.  Ultimately we all want peace.  I hope you find it somehow.  God bless you and keep you in his gentle care.  I hope this helps somehow.  As one who knows suffering, we all do, I send you lots of love and peace and hope for a better tomorrow.

 

Talk to him now Gin.  Just sit down and talk to him.  His wife can't be a part of that and can't do anything to come between you now.  Go to the cemetery if that would make it easier.  Just clear your heart and mind.

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