I lost my father May 22 this year. He had throat cancer and had gone through chemo and it did nothing. Here is the thing about my father. He was a drunk. He had medical issues from drinking years ago and that didnt stop him. Soon my mother left him, they never divorced and he moved to GA to live with his parents.

We had little to do with him. But when we found out he had cancer we became closer. We thought he would beat it. My grandmother had breast cancer twice and won the battle. When we were told he had 2 weeks to live it was heart breaking. We put our issues in the pass and I was there with him every day. He lived for 4 weeks.

Those weeks were hard. We had good times laughing and telling stories and than he soon couldnt talk and never woke up. The morning her died I knew he wasnt going to make it through the day.

Like every morning my mom and I got him washed and dressed, he would normally fight with us. That morning he didnt fight. We left for the first time in weeks to go have lunch at a friends house, who knew we just needed to get out and relax. That was the best day but the hardest day.

We were having a blast laughing and enjoying ourselves when we got the call.

I think of that day everyday and it has been 2 months now. When do you heal? How do you heal? Going on with life seems so hard.

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Replies to This Discussion

Michelle,
My mom died of cancer Nov 20th. Like you and your dad, we didn't have the best relationship prior to her diagnosis. If cancer has a positive side, it's that it allows time for healing. Mom and I became incredibility close and I treasure the 11 months we had. You also had the gift of time with your dad. Remember that. Don't feel guilty about not being there. The hospice workers told my siblings and me parents sometimes will hold on till they're alone to die. Sure enough, mom picked the 5 minutes no one was by her bedside. That was the way she wanted it. I would have wanted to be there holding her hand, but I have to be thankful for what I had. Please remember the time you had with you dad. That was a gift and a blessing. You allowed him to have a peaceful death cared for by his loved ones. What more can any of us hope for?
I still miss mom, a lot and I always will. I wish I could tell you in x number of days it won't hurt anymore, but it does become easier. There are still times in private I hurt so badly and miss her so much, but it really does get easier. I promise you.
Take care and e-mail if you need me.
Debbie
1nclady@gmail.com
Hey Michelle
On January 22 I also lost my mother to throat cancer-it wasn't even a year from her diagnosis date that she lost her battle. Its been 6 months and some days are horrible while other days aren't so bad. I think its absolutely amazing that u were there for your dad when he needed you despite everything that happened in your life with him. You probably made the last 4weeks of his life incredible and worthwhile for him just knowing u and your mom were there to help him. I agree w what people say that some people would rather be alone to die. After they told us my mom only had 24hrs we all stayed the whole day and night. Finally as it got closer to 11pm my family all decided to leave and I stayed until 2am. At 6:25 that morning was when my mom took her last breath. I truly believe that she just wanted to wait for my siblings, my dad and I to not be there so she could do it on her own. I'm not going to lie I miss my mother more than ever but after seeing what throat cancer did to her I wouldn't want her to live like that. If you ever need to talk or vent pls feel free to write me anytime...good luck :)
Thank you guys so much. I know there is no time limited on grieving but I just need to know that things get better. I enjoyed the little time I had left with my dad. We had the greatest conversation and the best time those last weeks of his life. I need to be reminded that once an awhile! Thanks!

MissingMyMom said:
Hey Michelle
On January 22 I also lost my mother to throat cancer-it wasn't even a year from her diagnosis date that she lost her battle. Its been 6 months and some days are horrible while other days aren't so bad. I think its absolutely amazing that u were there for your dad when he needed you despite everything that happened in your life with him. You probably made the last 4weeks of his life incredible and worthwhile for him just knowing u and your mom were there to help him. I agree w what people say that some people would rather be alone to die. After they told us my mom only had 24hrs we all stayed the whole day and night. Finally as it got closer to 11pm my family all decided to leave and I stayed until 2am. At 6:25 that morning was when my mom took her last breath. I truly believe that she just wanted to wait for my siblings, my dad and I to not be there so she could do it on her own. I'm not going to lie I miss my mother more than ever but after seeing what throat cancer did to her I wouldn't want her to live like that. If you ever need to talk or vent pls feel free to write me anytime...good luck :)
I lost my dad on July 5th of this year. He had a heart attack. He had all kinds of problems and had lasted for years.

My parents were married and lived here in Texas and also his parents lived here with us until they passed away.

I LOVED my dad and I was VERY close to him. We thought he would beat it.

My mom had breast cancer a few years ago and won the battle.

It was VERY heartbreaking to lose my dad.

I visited him everyday along with my mom.

It was VERY hard seeing him like that.

We did have our good times though lauging and talking.

He then went into the hospital and in the morning he had passed away. We thought that he was going to make it.

My mom had to do everything from giving him a bath and getting him dressed to other stuff.

One morning we had gotten that call that he had passed away.

I think of him everyday.

I'm going on with life but, it's SO hard.
I lost my dad on July 5th of this year. He had a heart attack. He had all kinds of problems and had lasted for years.

My parents were married and lived here in Texas and also his parents lived here with us until they passed away.

I LOVED my dad and I was VERY close to him. We thought he would beat it.

My mom had breast cancer a few years ago and won the battle.

It was VERY heartbreaking to lose my dad.

I visited him everyday along with my mom.

It was VERY hard seeing him like that.

We did have our good times though lauging and talking.

He then went into the hospital and in the morning he had passed away. We thought that he was going to make it.

My mom had to do everything from giving him a bath and getting him dressed to other stuff.

One morning we had gotten that call that he had passed away.

I think of him everyday.

I'm going on with life but, it's SO hard.
Michelle, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. Grief is so difficult, no one is an an expert, and everyone have a different journey. By journaling here on Legacy, and trusting people you never have met, show me your are a strong and sweet daughter. This is not easy. Please do not remember your dad's drinking days, Go back to the dad that gave you life, and remember the best times with your Dad. I know your mom loves having you to talk to. I lost my MOM in December 2009, and believe it or not it seems so different talking to my Dad about some of the pain I was experiencing. He loves me, but his empathy level is not always where I want it, but Mom was pretty strong, and always answered the phone, or seemed to the "go to" parent. But a man to live with a wife and seven daughters til we grew and left the nest, is very outnumbered. I know that people may not agree with me, about trying to forget is drinking days, but as a nurse and a human, alcoholism is recognized as much as a disease, as Lung cancer. I do not know if you got to know Alanon, but I have attended meetings for my sisters, and they have so much good information about that disease. I hope and pray that no one would get up one day and say I WANT to be an alcoholic, as well as your Dad did not want throat cancer. I am so happy for you to have the opportunity to spend time with him during is last days, he left this earth knowing how forgiving and loving you are. Please take a day at a time, if you read back to some of my entries, I have been such a mess, yet I finally do not feel "totally alone", "lost", and "bizarre reactions " to everyone, and I am not proud to say these things, but when people ask to help you, take the help, and if no one is offering anymore, please call a trusted family member or friend, etc. I will pray for you tonight, and please take care of yourself.............loosing a parent is the hardest shock I have had in my entire life....Please know we all hurt, and we love you for letting us help support and care for you. Belinda

Lori Sherry said:
I lost my dad on July 5th of this year. He had a heart attack. He had all kinds of problems and had lasted for years.

My parents were married and lived here in Texas and also his parents lived here with us until they passed away.

I LOVED my dad and I was VERY close to him. We thought he would beat it.

My mom had breast cancer a few years ago and won the battle.

It was VERY heartbreaking to lose my dad.

I visited him everyday along with my mom.

It was VERY hard seeing him like that.

We did have our good times though lauging and talking.

He then went into the hospital and in the morning he had passed away. We thought that he was going to make it.

My mom had to do everything from giving him a bath and getting him dressed to other stuff.

One morning we had gotten that call that he had passed away.

I think of him everyday.

I'm going on with life but, it's SO hard.
Lori, I think I made a huge mistake. Forgive me. I read Michelle's story, and being a computer flunky, my answer was to Michelle not to you. By the time I figured it out, it was posted. Please forgive me! I would never want to imply your Dad was an alcoholic, and please know I now know your dad died from an heart attack. I will send Michelle a not to tell her of my mix up.
Losing a parent, is and can be devastating, I hope and pray you understand, that I would make this horrible mistake on purpose. Humbly, Belinda

Belinda Rhodes said:
Michelle, I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. Grief is so difficult, no one is an an expert, and everyone have a different journey. By journaling here on Legacy, and trusting people you never have met, show me your are a strong and sweet daughter. This is not easy. Please do not remember your dad's drinking days, Go back to the dad that gave you life, and remember the best times with your Dad. I know your mom loves having you to talk to. I lost my MOM in December 2009, and believe it or not it seems so different talking to my Dad about some of the pain I was experiencing. He loves me, but his empathy level is not always where I want it, but Mom was pretty strong, and always answered the phone, or seemed to the "go to" parent. But a man to live with a wife and seven daughters til we grew and left the nest, is very outnumbered. I know that people may not agree with me, about trying to forget is drinking days, but as a nurse and a human, alcoholism is recognized as much as a disease, as Lung cancer. I do not know if you got to know Alanon, but I have attended meetings for my sisters, and they have so much good information about that disease. I hope and pray that no one would get up one day and say I WANT to be an alcoholic, as well as your Dad did not want throat cancer. I am so happy for you to have the opportunity to spend time with him during is last days, he left this earth knowing how forgiving and loving you are. Please take a day at a time, if you read back to some of my entries, I have been such a mess, yet I finally do not feel "totally alone", "lost", and "bizarre reactions " to everyone, and I am not proud to say these things, but when people ask to help you, take the help, and if no one is offering anymore, please call a trusted family member or friend, etc. I will pray for you tonight, and please take care of yourself.............loosing a parent is the hardest shock I have had in my entire life....Please know we all hurt, and we love you for letting us help support and care for you. Belinda

Lori Sherry said:
I lost my dad on July 5th of this year. He had a heart attack. He had all kinds of problems and had lasted for years.

My parents were married and lived here in Texas and also his parents lived here with us until they passed away.

I LOVED my dad and I was VERY close to him. We thought he would beat it.

My mom had breast cancer a few years ago and won the battle.

It was VERY heartbreaking to lose my dad.

I visited him everyday along with my mom.

It was VERY hard seeing him like that.

We did have our good times though lauging and talking.

He then went into the hospital and in the morning he had passed away. We thought that he was going to make it.

My mom had to do everything from giving him a bath and getting him dressed to other stuff.

One morning we had gotten that call that he had passed away.

I think of him everyday.

I'm going on with life but, it's SO hard.
Michelle, I replied to Lori Smith, with a message to you. Please know that even though I have been a member for 6-7 months, this blunder was not intentional in anyway. If you do not get a copy of the reply I mistakingly sent to Lori, please try to find it. Today is August 17, and I wrote it about 10:15 PM.
I hope my message helped you. Please let me know you found the reply, I feel terrible that Lori may have received it first. Sincerely Belinda Rhodes

Michelle said:
Thank you guys so much. I know there is no time limited on grieving but I just need to know that things get better. I enjoyed the little time I had left with my dad. We had the greatest conversation and the best time those last weeks of his life. I need to be reminded that once an awhile! Thanks!

MissingMyMom said:
Hey Michelle
On January 22 I also lost my mother to throat cancer-it wasn't even a year from her diagnosis date that she lost her battle. Its been 6 months and some days are horrible while other days aren't so bad. I think its absolutely amazing that u were there for your dad when he needed you despite everything that happened in your life with him. You probably made the last 4weeks of his life incredible and worthwhile for him just knowing u and your mom were there to help him. I agree w what people say that some people would rather be alone to die. After they told us my mom only had 24hrs we all stayed the whole day and night. Finally as it got closer to 11pm my family all decided to leave and I stayed until 2am. At 6:25 that morning was when my mom took her last breath. I truly believe that she just wanted to wait for my siblings, my dad and I to not be there so she could do it on her own. I'm not going to lie I miss my mother more than ever but after seeing what throat cancer did to her I wouldn't want her to live like that. If you ever need to talk or vent pls feel free to write me anytime...good luck :)
I am very sorry for your loss.
My father's cancer returned in 2008 and he was re-re-hospitalized in January 2010 and was determined to get out only after he got better. He had just started a new experimental treatment and seemed to be getting better too. We all very very hopeful.
During this time, one of my closest friends was getting married so i decided to attend her wedding in another town. I hadn't been out of the house in months, My father encouraged me to go and so i left for 3 days. The wedding was beautiful and was a welcome mental break for me.
But as i landed back, I found out my dad was on the ventilator and unconscious. I immediately informed my sister who doesn't live with us and she arrived too.
My father passed away 10 days after on feb 27th 2010 at 8:15 am, only my aunt was with him at the hospital at the time as only one person is allowed to stay with the ICCU patients.
I have thought about it a lot and i figured, that this is how my father wanted it. He was just too attached to my sister and i. It was too difficult for him to leave with having us around. That is why he slipped into life support when both of us were not with him and when we all thought he was doing much better. This is why he died when his daughters were at home and not around him.
I am 23-years-old and was his caretaker for a year so Recalling all this makes me very sad and i miss him a lot but i believe we all have our own journey to take and sometimes, especially for parents, it gets very hard to let go and embrace death with having their children around. Sometimes they choose to let go at the precise moment their children aren't around.
I don't know if that helped but that is what i believe. I hope some of this eases your pain. It is still very hard at times but talking about it sure helps me and hope it helps you too.
Hugs

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