Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Donna Reves on December 7, 2010 at 4:29pm

Dear Dottie's Daughter,

I can so relate to how you feel, the loss is so hard everyday. My mom passed 8/13/10 and was the worst day ever in my life. I dreaded the holidays com'n up...Thanksgiving was pretty dreary mood...Went to a Christmas candle lighting service at the funeral home just a couple of days ago. I did not expect how hard it would be to go back there. On the way to the service, I stopped at the cemetary...up to that point, I had not had the strength to go near it and passing the hospital where she died in, well, that is next to difficult at best. I don't want to shop for the holidays, but like you, it is expected...I have 4 kids and a husband. I don't want to see the decorations, hear the music and seeing other people shopping with their mom is soooo hard. There are times, which I bet you have too, where I am doing all I can to fight back the tears in the middle of the store...I will be glad when x-mas is done, but then I try to reminde myself the real reason for the season...Christ. Thankfull and unworthy of Him, but just want the pain at the holiday time to end. You are not alone at all...hang in there, we'll get through this. This is my first x-mas without my mom too.

Permalink Reply by Dottie's Daughter on December 8, 2010 at 12:37pm

Thank you Donna for your kind words. I feel the same as you, the day my Mom passed on 9/28/10 is and was the worst day of my life. As for shopping....any store I go into there is some kind of reminder of my Mom it seems. We have lived in the same area for the last 50 yrs so everywhere I go there are memories of having been there with Mom at some point. I have left so many places since she passed holding back tears without finishing what I was there for. Its just the way it is for me right now. I try to avoid driving by the hospital where she passed away and the nursing home where she spent a couple of weeks. I still can't drive anywhere near where her cute little senior apartment was and its only a mile away from our house. As for Christmas... I have decided I will not decorate this year although I have all of my Mom's boxes of decorations in addition to mine. I am reflecting on the true reason of this holiday as well. She always reminded us at this time of year the real reason we should be celebrating Christmas and she also loved decorating her place inside and out. Next year I will use her decorations she has saved all her life but this year I just want to get past the holidays. I will try to remember all the Christmas holidays I've shared in the past with her to get through this one. I hope your memories of Christmas's past with your Mother help you through this one as well. Strength & Prayers to you.

Permalink Reply by Cheryl Wynne on December 24, 2010 at 5:50am

I can certainly related to you both. I lost my elderly mom just past midnight May 10th, 2010. She held on until it was no longer Mother's Day, although we kept a bedside vigil all that day while she was dying. I had lost my dad Oct. 7, 2008, so my mission, and my sister's, was to keep our mom propped up emotionally after that. We weren't really able to grieve his loss because she reacted to our emotions, so losing mom was kind of like losing him all over again, too. I have also noticed daughters shopping with their elderly mothers, and it too makes me laugh and cry at the same time. What precious times they are sharing! My own daughter is very aware of this too, as she was the only granddaughter, and losing Grandma was the most siginficant loss in her life as well. After thinking I was truly losing my mind for an entire six months after Mom died, and seeking grief counseling to deal with my loss, I am finally reaching a point where I think I can accept this. I dreaded Thanksgiving, but it was actually ok. I convinced my sister to go spend it with her son and his family out of state, and my children and their families came to my house for dinner. Afterward, I sat down in the living room and glanced over at a photo of my parents, the last one taken just before my dad got really sick. The photo appeared to be glowing, and it struck me that perhaps they had also been there at our Thanksgiving dinner after all. Tomorrow, Christmas Day, is going to be really hard, but what I told my sister is, with the death of our parents, we have lost our old family traditions. It is up to us now to create new ones with them in mind. Next year I am going to try to find one of those elderly ladies who is not blessed to have one of us daughters to take her shopping,  one who has to depend on someone from an agency. I plan to "adopt" her and do those things I used to do with my mom in her memory, and in this way give this lady something our mothers had, and treasured. My thoughts and prayers will be with you both, Dottie's Daughter and Donna. It does get a little better as time goes on, but losing your elderly mom is truly having the foundation knocked out from underneath you, and no one but you can find that solid ground again.