I stand here on my own having experienced terrible, tragic losses throughout this year.  First it was my father's sudden death in May, then my dear old gramma passed away in July, then my cherished boyfriend started going psychotic on me and is now facing a prison term for the horrifying things he had started to do to me.

As I reflect on these things, the Christmas holiday is going to be a particularly difficult time for me, and for the first time I am afraid of my powerful emotions.  I have never been a big fan of "Christmas" because the human world is so highly commercialized and many out there really miss the true meaning of honoring the birth of our Savior, so it did make me pretty disillusioned over the years.  I am one who knows the true meaning and so I honor the day as a blessing to my God for what He did for us by sending His Son to the world, and prefer really to look at it as an opportunity to give Him special thanks while keeping the spirit in my heart as far as goodwill towards the fellow human being as well as giving myself a refreshing breather for the work I have done throughout the year in my efforts to love and care for others the best I can.

The worst thing was the tragedy of my father's death in May.  My mother tells me he loved Christmas best of all the holidays.  I never had a chance to know him well.  When I came to her house this year a few weeks ago and helped her setup all the decorations in the house, there was one thing that made me especially sad.  Now Mom has had her decorations for over forty years probably, and one of them is a set of bells that my father had bought for me as a newly born baby that year back in '71.  She tried to give these to me last year, I politely declined.  This year she insisted that I take them home now since my father is dead.  When I asked about the history, she said to me that he had wanted to buy something for the baby for Christmas and so hence the bells.  They are five golden bells hanging from five strands of red velvet, and for the first time in my life, she told me that my father held me in his arms and I played with them, giggling the whole time when they hung them up on the wall of their little trailer home at the time.

This was all before things took a tragic turn, my mother became very ill and had to be hospitalized for some months, my father ran away, leaving me essentially for the remainder of my life.

So now I don't like Christmas even more.  In fact, I am inwardly sad when I see others are joyful in the season but I am careful to not let it show.  I struggle so much to hide my feelings.  I don't want others to notice how much I am hurting inside and I try valiantly to not show them that.  I wear my dark shades all the time, I don't want anyone to look at me in my eyes because I know my eyes scream of the pain I feel inside after all that's happened to me.

The bells got hung up at my desk at work, I cannot bear to have them in the house.  I cry silent tears every hour as well as real tears when I am alone, the agony in my heart is great. 

I know the pain will subside as time goes on, but I just wanted to share how I feel, and I invite anyone to join in talking about your pain, because I believe that here, we are all survivors, and if nothing else we can comfort each other and find strength to go on.  How will you make it through the holiday without your departed loved one?

-T.

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I'm sorry you're so sad. The supposedly happy holidays just bring me anguish since I lost my only child, Candace Rae Watson, on April 9th, 2010. I'm on this site because I also lost my Mom in February, 2010. Less than 2 months later I lost my Baby-girl. She had just turned 30 yrs old. Wife and mother of my 3 Granddaughters. They were only 8, 7 and 2 at the time she went to Heaven. We will be reunited! Please believe!

Thank you Melinda, for your comment.  It's important for me to hear that I am not alone with my grief, even though my mind tells me I am not.  Hearing the words from others is a great comfort to me, and I appreciate you taking the time to respond.  I've read on how you lost your dear baby girl, I too am sorry that you are so sad as it seems to be such a senseless death.  Guess the only thing I can say is that there are no accidents in God's world, all things happen for a reason.  May you too be comforted to hear that by someone who understands how you feel.  Be blessed!

-T.

Thanks Tammy. The day b/4 Candace's funeral I was sitting outside feeling lost. I FELT Candace's hand's rub my arms up and down. She was behind me.I KNOW there's life after death! The spirit lives. I did a lot of reading after Candace passed. True stories. We are spirits who are having a human experience. When we die, we go back Home. Our loved ones are fine! We are here to help others.

Yes my dear and I believe that is exactly what she wants you to believe Melinda!!!  If you felt it, you know it hon, just trust in your experience hon...your girl is reaching out to you from her grave because she loves you...

-T.

Tammy, I empathize with your situation as I lost my dad seven months ago today (while I guess it's tomorrow already, but i don't sleep much so the days blur to me. I tried to do a few things today, picked up a couple christmas things, but everything reminds me of my dad. Then I got home and tried to put up some lights but it just didn't seem right. Then a friend asked me if I wanted to go see the Hobbit...and that just killed me. My dad and i read that book to each other when I was a young girl, and it is one of my happiest memories. Last year I remembered saying to him "the Hobbit comes out next year! You have to go see it with me." Since then I've had a terribly rough day. The 14th is always a bit tough, but it hasn't been like this before. I can't get 2 words out without bursting into tears. Everything makes me think of Dad, and the good memories, even though they are good and happy, just feel so fucking painful. I hurt so bad. I feel the pain throughout my whole body and mind. This is one of the worst days' I've ever had. Sleeping pills just aren't working for me and when i lay my head down I just get so anxious that i'm not going to sleep, then i start thinking about why i can't sleep, and the sadness and pain just keeps going on. 

I wish I could just cancel Christmas. Whenever I think of Christmas I think of my dad. He loved to make his girls happy and just the fact we were all together made him so proud. 

Sometimes I feel like when I'm crying and upset...I'm not even thinking about my dad anymore...i'm just thinking about the feelings and stuck in them. I don't know how to make that make sense. It's like I'm in this funk that just keeps going on, and every now and again I recognize why and who it's because of, and it sets me off again. 

Im scared too. Im scared i wont ever get over it, or find some way to go on.

I'm sorry this is probably all very stream of consciousness and I have no idea if it makes sense. It's just how i'm feeling :(

Yes Julie...it all makes perfect sense to me.  You're saying these things to the right person...I am baffled at the powerful emotions that my father's loss has caused me and still continues to plague me.  Sometimes I feel nothing but pain, other times I feel ok but just ok.  I am still able to enjoy good times but the sting of what has happened to me always remains as a shadow, directing everything I do and say.  I hear myself saying things and thinking things that I myself am surprised at, I am sure others around me see how I have changed too.  Some days I am full of emotion, some days I am completely numb.  I wonder about my future:  will I ever be truly happy again?  Then I think that I may as well get used to it because the answer is probably no.  But then that's just my thinking.

Hey you know, you're feelings don't lie.  I think we must try to embrace them and express them or we really wouldn't be human.  My mother always told me that you cannot keep things bottled up inside, because that's what makes people crazy...she's right, she's been there herself.  Thanks for adding to the discussion, Julie!  I'm sorry for the loss of your dad.  Funny he should have died on the 14th...that was the day that my father and mother were married in December of 1968.

God bless you, my dear.

-T.

"Sometimes I feel nothing but pain, other times I feel ok but just ok.  I am still able to enjoy good times but the sting of what has happened to me always remains as a shadow, directing everything I do and say"

Thank you for putting this so eloquently, Tammy. That is EXACTLY what I feel like.

First I would like to give you my deepest sympathies but reassure you that you aren't alone. I for one, have never enjoyed Christmas all for the same reason you haven't and it was Dec. 26th 2008 that made me hate Christmas even more. The day my mom went to Heaven. Apart of me felt really cheated out of a normal holiday season. I mean how can I sit there an celebrate that holiday when all I can think of is watching my mom die that year in 2008. This will be my 4th Christmas without her. Since its been so long now I focus all my time and effort on my three beautiful nieces. I love to see them open up their gifts and how happy they are. I even put up a Christmas tree this year. I want to honor my mom the best I can so I try to be so strong and put on such a happy face to others. They say "Time heals all wounds" but apart of me feels like that statement is false. The amount of time that has passed since mom went to heaven only makes it easier for me to handle it but the pain inside is still there. The sadness, confusion as to why my mom had to die at 47, why it was her time, why I was only 20 and had to deal with it alone those feelings will probably never leave me. Stay strong and keep your head up. We all will get through the holidays together one step at a time.

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