Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by TRACY BAGLEY on June 9, 2012 at 12:02pm

Hi i lost my father on Nov 3,2011 due to advanced prostate cancer that turned into flesh eating. He had been in and out of the the hospital in the past couple of years due to the prostate not being treated right and lyme disease. my sister and mother kept me from him while he was home and i only found out through my disabled daughter when he was in the hospital. the one and only phone call i got was halloween night with you fathers not going to make it he is at RI hospital had no idea he had gone in that morning with the flesh eating, no one called me. What a shock. by tuesday night it was decided to disconnect him and give him a couple of hours with him before he went to sleep. This was man who walked me down the aisle. I lived with till i was 33 when i got married.I am now disowned from my family agaian as my sister somehow has control and my mother will tell you she hates me. My mother never attended the death and my sister and nephew were in the waiting room sleeping. I touched his shoulder at 3:30am told him i loved him and he just stopped snoring and passed. Your not crazy we all question our own mortality after such an event. I am going to be 50 in oct and my husband 51 in sept but we also have a son who  will be 17 in august. That feeling wont always stay there probably will pop up every so often as time goes on. I think it just makes you realize your not invinsibal. I am so glad you have your dad to talk to. and sorry for your loss. I have made my own locked/private facebook page dedicated to my dad as my so called family didnt want anyone to know he had another daughter so they were taking the pictures down well reporting them. sorry so long . Try journaling if you can. hope this helps. sorry so long and my condolences

Permalink Reply by Susan Miller on June 9, 2012 at 1:35pm

Ella, I feel your pain completely.  My father passed on 12/29/07 and i'm still having a very hard time with it.  There are so many issues regarding it, i don't want to go there.  However, since he's passed, I have now tried to actually kill myself three times now.  Once w/my meds (98 pills) and a bottle of Malibu rum July 2010.  Then August 2010 i made hamburger of both my wrists.  Later in August 2010 I came the closest w/198 pills.  I heard them say they couldn't find a blood pressure in the ambulance.  I have spent two stays at the mental hospital here in Phoenix.  I don't have a fear of death, I tried so hard to achieve it and i can't manage to do it.  I don't know why.  I haven't tried since August 2010 and i'm getting meds and doctors and therapists to help me get better.  Sometimes I don't feel like seeing all these people that are trying to make me better and I just want to be left alone. 

Permalink Reply by TRACY BAGLEY on June 9, 2012 at 2:28pm

I think thats all we want is to see them agian but i dont think that is the way he would want. Your dad loved you and i know you miss mine dearly as i miss my dad who passed Nov 3, 2011 and if you read my post i was kept from him till then. not due to him but my sister having an anger management problem and wasnt going to up set him and she had power of attorney over both glad you getting help

Permalink Reply by Ella Whitfield on June 9, 2012 at 4:10pm

Tracy, thank you!!  Your reply was not long and never worry about how long it takes for you to say whatever it is you're feeling because we all need an outlet.  I'm am so sorry to hear how your family has treated you there's no reason for it, not at all.  I pray that you find some peace in the midst of all that you're going through, and again thank you for replying.  Oh, of all things I use my mothers Guest Book on Legacy.com as my journal about how I feel about losing her.  I write on it at least twice a month, and plan to have it printed once the year is up that they give family and friends to express their condolences.  Again thanks for your kind words. 
 
TRACY BAGLEY said:

Hi i lost my father on Nov 3,2011 due to advanced prostate cancer that turned into flesh eating. He had been in and out of the the hospital in the past couple of years due to the prostate not being treated right and lyme disease. my sister and mother kept me from him while he was home and i only found out through my disabled daughter when he was in the hospital. the one and only phone call i got was halloween night with you fathers not going to make it he is at RI hospital had no idea he had gone in that morning with the flesh eating, no one called me. What a shock. by tuesday night it was decided to disconnect him and give him a couple of hours with him before he went to sleep. This was man who walked me down the aisle. I lived with till i was 33 when i got married.I am now disowned from my family agaian as my sister somehow has control and my mother will tell you she hates me. My mother never attended the death and my sister and nephew were in the waiting room sleeping. I touched his shoulder at 3:30am told him i loved him and he just stopped snoring and passed. Your not crazy we all question our own mortality after such an event. I am going to be 50 in oct and my husband 51 in sept but we also have a son who  will be 17 in august. That feeling wont always stay there probably will pop up every so often as time goes on. I think it just makes you realize your not invinsibal. I am so glad you have your dad to talk to. and sorry for your loss. I have made my own locked/private facebook page dedicated to my dad as my so called family didnt want anyone to know he had another daughter so they were taking the pictures down well reporting them. sorry so long . Try journaling if you can. hope this helps. sorry so long and my condolences

Permalink Reply by Ella Whitfield on June 9, 2012 at 4:27pm

Tracy, I'm not getting any help (offically that is) I simply talk with my dad and tell him how I've been feeling.  He's a very religous man and he tells me that I need to get more in touch with God and pray for guidance through my fears.  Well, I guess he's right about that because there's really no one that can help anyone deal with death especially their own accept God.  Or at least that's my opinion!  But, I've always feared death for whatever personnal or hidden reasons I have don't really know why yet but I do.  But to have someone so close to me even though I love all my family member it just happened to hit me differently with my mother.  I finally realized that like you said I'm not invencible and that we all shall pass away, and her death made me realize that.  Thus the fear rising in me, I guess I'll get it together shortly but having to deal with her death and my mortality is a big hurdle to get over.  I have too many questions that I guess will never be answered about her death maybe that's where it all comes from.
 
TRACY BAGLEY said:

I think thats all we want is to see them agian but i dont think that is the way he would want. Your dad loved you and i know you miss mine dearly as i miss my dad who passed Nov 3, 2011 and if you read my post i was kept from him till then. not due to him but my sister having an anger management problem and wasnt going to up set him and she had power of attorney over both glad you getting help

Permalink Reply by Ella Whitfield on June 9, 2012 at 4:42pm

Wow Susan I'm so sorry to hear that your fathers death has taken you on such a sad journey.  Susan, I don't think this is what your father would want you to do.  In fact I know he wouldn't!  Grieve his death through talking to others about it like I'm doing here, and tell someone how strongly you feel about losing him.  There's always different channels we all can us to help with our lose and I'm glad you're getting help.  There's nothing wrong with what we call a "little me time", but talking it out does help.  Even in those times that no one seems to get what you're saying or they seem to blow you off that's the time you really need to say what's going on with you.  Sometimes you have to pull on someones coat tail a little harder to get them to hear you and that works both ways with not wanting to be bothered either, lol.  Your healing will come, trust in that and remember to talk it out.  Chat when ever you feel the need to I'm here anytime.  Take care of yourself dear Susan. 
 
Susan Miller said:

Ella, I feel your pain completely.  My father passed on 12/29/07 and i'm still having a very hard time with it.  There are so many issues regarding it, i don't want to go there.  However, since he's passed, I have now tried to actually kill myself three times now.  Once w/my meds (98 pills) and a bottle of Malibu rum July 2010.  Then August 2010 i made hamburger of both my wrists.  Later in August 2010 I came the closest w/198 pills.  I heard them say they couldn't find a blood pressure in the ambulance.  I have spent two stays at the mental hospital here in Phoenix.  I don't have a fear of death, I tried so hard to achieve it and i can't manage to do it.  I don't know why.  I haven't tried since August 2010 and i'm getting meds and doctors and therapists to help me get better.  Sometimes I don't feel like seeing all these people that are trying to make me better and I just want to be left alone. 

Permalink Reply by Sue W Smith on August 6, 2012 at 12:41pm

Yes I find my self thinking about my own death and about the afterlife as in where is Mom? She passed away on July 5th. I constant look for a sign from her that she is ok and is in a better place.   I am almost obsessed with thinking about the soul. ALongf with this I keep revisiting the weeks before she died. I had a chance to visit with her-she was living with my brother and was slowing going downhill from COPD, a lung tumor and old age.

 

Even though she was 92 I have a profound sense of sadness and loss at her passing-I wonder if the "hole in my heart" will ever get smaller.   

Permalink Reply by Ella Whitfield on October 8, 2012 at 3:28pm

Sue I'm so sorry it took this long to reply.  I've been home since I wrote this for an operation on my neck and I had plenty time to try and work on my inner demons or at least that's what I thought.  I spent the whole time misserable!!  Wanting my mother, watching for signs like you spoke of, going to her grave site and crying uncontrolibly.  I'm suffering from losing her, from not knowing how she died (meaning if she had a stroke or heart attack).  Wondering why wasn't someone with her in the end knowing she was pronounced last November with her death sentence.  We knew she was dying from "adult failure to thrive" but didn't know exactly when it was going to happen!  She seemed to get better when I flew back overseas so I was blinded by that.  She would eat and drink some so we all had false hope.  Anyway, I still can't let go of this feeling I have of empending doom!!  Like I said earlier I know we all have to die thats just a part of life and I've always been afraid of how my end would come but it never challenged me like it does now.  I constantly think about death, how will it come, when will it come, will I be in pain, who will take care of me in my old age, will I lose my mind!!  It's exhausting telling you about it, every twitch I have in my body I almost stop breathing because I think this is it!!  I want so bad to talk to a professional but I don't know if this type of emotional drama warrants a visit.  I do however need to work through this or it will send me to a rubber room one day if I can't let it go on my own.  You ask will the hole in your heart will ever get smaller?  I don't want mine to because it belongs to my mother!!  Nothing in this life will fill it because it belonged to her before she died so why give it away now!!  Now, will the pain of losing her get better?  I hope so for both of our sake.  You take care friend and I apologize again for replying so late.
 
Sue W Smith said:

Yes I find my self thinking about my own death and about the afterlife as in where is Mom? She passed away on July 5th. I constant look for a sign from her that she is ok and is in a better place.   I am almost obsessed with thinking about the soul. ALongf with this I keep revisiting the weeks before she died. I had a chance to visit with her-she was living with my brother and was slowing going downhill from COPD, a lung tumor and old age.

 

Even though she was 92 I have a profound sense of sadness and loss at her passing-I wonder if the "hole in my heart" will ever get smaller.   

Permalink Reply by Theresa LaSalle on October 8, 2012 at 5:07pm

Ella,

Theresa here....me too...all I can say is me too.

We have to work on this.

Be good to yourself.
Theresa Hugs

Permalink Reply by Ella Whitfield on October 9, 2012 at 8:09am

Thanks Theresa, I'm glad I'm not alone with these feelings that I have.  I looked up "fear of death" and it is a true problem called: Thanatophobia and how they describe how people get it is right on the money for me.  Look it up and see if it fits you or anyone else that reads this.  Its scary to think that we all have phobia's but it takes something tragic to bring them out.  You take care of yourself to Theresa and many hugs back at yah.
 
Theresa LaSalle said:

Ella,

Theresa here....me too...all I can say is me too.

We have to work on this.

Be good to yourself.
Theresa Hugs

Permalink Reply by Elizabeth on October 19, 2012 at 7:14am

Yes. I have been having fears about my own death. They started when my daughter was born a year and a half ago and increased dramatically when my father died this year. He died in an accident at work unexpectedly. What I believe has made me very fearful about my own death is the way he died. He was a master electrician and was electrocuted. Not only was his death sudden but for him to die that way was gut wrenching for me. He had always been careful and told me many times about not messing with electricity. Never do an electricians job he would say. He even showed me photos once of people who were killed by electricity so I understood and took him seriously. For these reasons I feel Im worried about my own death. My father had no idea that would happen that day. We never can know when its going to happen or how. I never had a problem with that before I was a mother. I have faith in god and believe I will go to heaven so its not death that scares me but those who are left behind and the pain they will feel. I don't want my daughter to lose me at a young age and grow up without a mother. I don't want my husband to be burdened by not knowing the little things that calm our girl down at night because I've always been the one to take care of her at night. These thoughts have gotten better recently. I do understand what you are feeling and what I have done is to make sure that everyone I love knows I love them. That is a regret I'm glad i don't have that my last words to my dad were i love you. I've been making the effort to call and write people.I wish I could visit but we are military and live in HI and no one lives here. I feel that it has helped me with my fears to make sure I communicate with the ones I love.
Hoping this helps
Elizabeth

Permalink Reply by Ella Whitfield on October 19, 2012 at 10:06am

Elizabeth first off I would like to say I am so, so sorry for the lose of your father I and everyone here on this site can tell you that it's not easy to lose a parent, especially if they were your best friend as well.  I can tell you that your life mimics mine except I was the one in the military!!  I served for 21years and was also stationed in Hawaii in 2000 - 2003.  I know how it feels to have love ones go on to heaven and not be able to go home to wittness their burial, it hurts your heart to no end.  I was sick and tired of having to answer a phone call and learn that my aunt or uncle has passed away.  My brother and nephew passed away while back to back while I was in the army and it sucked!!  My dear mother did live long enough for me to retire but I still ended up with a job that took me overseas to yet still help our soldiers.  So I was not there when she passed.  Everyone was except me!!  I felt deprived, angry, sad, accusing everyone of not helping her, and of course jealous too.  It has taken me to now to get that part out of my head but the fear of death has not left.  I think I fear death because so many people tell me I look, and act just like my mother.  I was proud that I was compared to her because it was an honor for me even though she never knew it, So with that said when and how she passed struck a cord in my inner self that made me say am I going to die like that??  How stupid could that be to think like that, everyones death is unknown and surely not genetic, but that's what I thought.  I also think it's because I miss her so much she was my best friend and I had thought in this past few months she's been gone that I can't go on without her so why not check out too!!  But, like you I have a son that I don't want to leave now, my dads still living and he needs me but my best friend was gone!!  With all that said Elizabeth it's going to take some time to filter through all your feelings and they will come believe me, but hang in there.  Think about how much your father loved you and how he would tell you that it was okay that you weren't there because knowing that you loved him was more than enough.  Be strong and I'll be praying for you.
 
Elizabeth said:

Yes. I have been having fears about my own death. They started when my daughter was born a year and a half ago and increased dramatically when my father died this year. He died in an accident at work unexpectedly. What I believe has made me very fearful about my own death is the way he died. He was a master electrician and was electrocuted. Not only was his death sudden but for him to die that way was gut wrenching for me. He had always been careful and told me many times about not messing with electricity. Never do an electricians job he would say. He even showed me photos once of people who were killed by electricity so I understood and took him seriously. For these reasons I feel Im worried about my own death. My father had no idea that would happen that day. We never can know when its going to happen or how. I never had a problem with that before I was a mother. I have faith in god and believe I will go to heaven so its not death that scares me but those who are left behind and the pain they will feel. I don't want my daughter to lose me at a young age and grow up without a mother. I don't want my husband to be burdened by not knowing the little things that calm our girl down at night because I've always been the one to take care of her at night. These thoughts have gotten better recently. I do understand what you are feeling and what I have done is to make sure that everyone I love knows I love them. That is a regret I'm glad i don't have that my last words to my dad were i love you. I've been making the effort to call and write people.I wish I could visit but we are military and live in HI and no one lives here. I feel that it has helped me with my fears to make sure I communicate with the ones I love.
Hoping this helps
Elizabeth

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