It is always there...just under the surface.  It is the ache of loneliness and the hole in my heart that will never heal.  It is the reality I despise and a longing to go back...to before.  By staying busy (numb and purposeful), running my mouth, my mind, and my daily routine, I fool myself into looking and acting like everyone else.  But then I catch myself.  Walking past the rows of cubicles to lunch, standing in line at the grocery store, or sitting in a meeting, it hits me.  I don’t have a mother anymore.

My mother has been gone since February 20, 2010.  As spring begins again (her favorite season) I miss her desperately, and long to hear her voice, touch her hand, and see that look of love in her eyes just one more time.  Grief ambushes me on days I least expect it. 

 

Without my Mom, my victories are tempered with sadness, and my struggles only remind me of how much I depended on her wisdom and basked in her unwavering belief in me. I know that no one will ever feel that way about me again, and my spirit suffers when thinking about the years ahead without her.

 

For all those who come here for comfort and sharing after losing a parent, I just wanted to pay tribute to mothers; the women who gave us life and loved us for all their lives and beyond...I miss you Mom.

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Replies to This Discussion

Angie...everything you wrote this morning is exactly the way I feel! I know it sounds like a cliche to say that but its so true. I miss my Mom so much and its impossible to explain to anyone the way I really feel without her everyday. I read comments posted here like yours and I know I'm not alone in the world with these feelings. My Mom passed away 9/28/10 and every single day I have this ache or hole in my heart  for lack of a better word..that just hurts inside. If I could only have her back for a few more days to say all the things to her that I never got a chance to say. I never imagined in my wildest dreams how much I would miss my Mom when she was gone. I would have taken her to the places we never got to go and do the things we always said we'd do. I knew she wouldn't live forever but I never knew it would be so hard to live without her. How I miss her!! Thank you for your tribute today. My ache is a little bit less after reading your post. Memories sustain me and I hope yours do too. Hugs to you Angie.
wow, I felt like these were coming from me... This is exactly how i feel. You mom, always there for you to fall back on, love you unconditionally...
Angie, what a beautiful tribute.  You said it exactly like it is.  My wonderful mother passed away on January 8, 2011.  The pain never goes away, but like you said we try to go through our daily routines like all is well.  Yes, when we least expect it the tears emerge and well up inside of us and the reality of never having her with us or seeing her again is remembered.  It seems like everything in my life has gone wrong since I lost my mom and there is no joy in anything.  They say time is a great healer, but no amount of time can heal the terrible wound from losing the most precious gift God has given us, our mothers.  I love you mom and I miss you every day.

Angie,

 

Thank you, I feel like you were inside of my head while I was reading.  What you wrote is exactly what I've been feeling since I lost my mother on February 24, 2011. She passed away while I was holding her hand.  That is something I will cherish for the rest of my life.

 

I'm constantly wondering how will I make it without momma's love and wisdom.  She was always encouraging and pushing me to be my very best.  My successes aren't same without her.  There is a hole in my heart that can never be filled.

 

In the midst of my grief and pain, I'm trying to focus on the things she loved to help bring me comfort.   It's helps a little but not much.  Everyone keeps saying it will get easier but I'm not so sure.  Nothing can replace her love.

 

We are special group of women.  We are daughters without mothers.  Although they are no longer with us, our love for them remains strong.  We long for their loving hugs and tender touch.  We cannot feel our mothers' physical touch but we will always have them in our hearts. 

 

It helps to me know that I'm not alone.  We can honor our mothers' legacy and memories by continuing to be the strong women they raised us to be. 

 

Momma, I love and miss you so very much.  You are forever in my heart!

 

 

I was sent this..Thought it was beautiful and just wanted to share...

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say,
But first of all to let you know that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from Heaven, where I dwell with God above,
Where there are no tears or sadness, there is just eternal Love.

...Please do not be unhappy, just because I'm out of sight,
Remember that I'm with you, every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you, when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me, and said, " I welcome you".

"It's good to have you back again.
You were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here so badly as part of my big plan.
There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man".

Then God gave me a list of things he wished for me to do.
And foremost on that list of mine, is to watch and care for you.
I will be beside you, every day of the week and year,
And when you're sad I'm standing there, to wipe away the tear.

And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight,
God and I are closest to you in the middle of the night.
When you think of my life on Earth, and all those loving years,
Because you're only human, there's bound to be some tears.

One thing is for certain, though my life on Earth is over,
I am closer to you now than I ever was before.
And to my many friends, trust God knows what is best.
I am not far away from you, I'm just beyond the crest.

There are rocky roads ahead for you and many hills to climb,
Together we can do it, taking one day at a time.
It was my philosophy and please I'd like for you,
To give unto the world, so the world will give to you.

If you can help someone who's in sorrow or in pain,
Then you can say to God at night, my day was not in vain.
And now I am contented that my life it was worthwhile,
Knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

When you're walking down the street and I am on your mind,
I'm walking in your footsteps, only half a step behind.
And when you feel a gentle breeze of wind upon your face,
That's me giving you a great big hug, or just a s oft embrace.

When it's time for you to go from that body to be free,
Remember you are not going, you are coming home to me.
I will always love you, from that place way up above,
I will be in touch again soon.
P.S. God sends his love.
Jenny.....you are right. This is so beautiful! I have been missing my Mom so so much and decided to log on tonight. I just read this poem and I have to say how much I needed this! My heart is aching and happy all at the same time after reading your post Jenny. I am crying happy tears......Thank you!! I miss you Mom!

Dear Angie,

I am new to the group and this is the first posting I have read, and it is no coincidence that I clicked on your posting first.  Thank you for writing this beautiful portrayal of losing ones mother, it deeply touched my heart.

My dear mother passed away February 19, 2011 almost one year later, exactly, to when you lost your mom and I read your posting three times because you were able to put into words what I am feeling and help me understand that what I am feeling is felt by others.

I cried and am still crying as I glance back to segments of your posting, the pain is so intense and then I shift back into an auto pilot mode to escape the reality that I do not want to accept, that I cannot accept, that I have only scratched the surface in accepting that my mother is gone.

We had mom's funeral in Florida and we are planning the memorial now, which we will have in New York as my mothers life was built in New York and she touched the lives of so many people.

Mom made a tremedous impact on so many peoples lives. As founder of the Music Festival of the Hamptons, mom brought classical music to the Hamptons and helped emerging artists flourish in their musical passion.  As a career, mom was a renowned interior designer published countless times.  Mom was a gracious hostess, and phenomenol cook and had zillions of friends, many of them claim to be mom's best friend!  Mom made dinner parties for sixty or more only shopping the day of the party and it was always a wonderful time by all. Mom's legacy lives on in her two granddaughters who we like to call Grandmama's little composers.  Music is at the very soul of our beautiful spectacular mother. I love you mom and wish you were here, healthy, vibrant and very much alive.

Attachments:


Allison said:

Angie,

 

Thank you, I feel like you were inside of my head while I was reading.  What you wrote is exactly what I've been feeling since I lost my mother on February 24, 2011. She passed away while I was holding her hand.  That is something I will cherish for the rest of my life.

 

I'm constantly wondering how will I make it without momma's love and wisdom.  She was always encouraging and pushing me to be my very best.  My successes aren't same without her.  There is a hole in my heart that can never be filled.

 

In the midst of my grief and pain, I'm trying to focus on the things she loved to help bring me comfort.   It's helps a little but not much.  Everyone keeps saying it will get easier but I'm not so sure.  Nothing can replace her love.

 

We are special group of women.  We are daughters without mothers.  Although they are no longer with us, our love for them remains strong.  We long for their loving hugs and tender touch.  We cannot feel our mothers' physical touch but we will always have them in our hearts. 

 

It helps to me know that I'm not alone.  We can honor our mothers' legacy and memories by continuing to be the strong women they raised us to be. 

 

Momma, I love and miss you so very much.  You are forever in my heart!

 

 



elyse fried said: Allison, i just read your posting, it was beautiful and i feel connected to you in that not only are we daughters without our mothers, but my mother passed away feb 19th 2011 only a few days before your mother went to heaven. 


Allison said:

Angie,

 

Thank you, I feel like you were inside of my head while I was reading.  What you wrote is exactly what I've been feeling since I lost my mother on February 24, 2011. She passed away while I was holding her hand.  That is something I will cherish for the rest of my life.

 

I'm constantly wondering how will I make it without momma's love and wisdom.  She was always encouraging and pushing me to be my very best.  My successes aren't same without her.  There is a hole in my heart that can never be filled.

 

In the midst of my grief and pain, I'm trying to focus on the things she loved to help bring me comfort.   It's helps a little but not much.  Everyone keeps saying it will get easier but I'm not so sure.  Nothing can replace her love.

 

We are special group of women.  We are daughters without mothers.  Although they are no longer with us, our love for them remains strong.  We long for their loving hugs and tender touch.  We cannot feel our mothers' physical touch but we will always have them in our hearts. 

 

It helps to me know that I'm not alone.  We can honor our mothers' legacy and memories by continuing to be the strong women they raised us to be. 

 

Momma, I love and miss you so very much.  You are forever in my heart!

 

 

Thanks so much to everyone who has written about the beautiful Mothers lost to them.  I especially loved Jenny's poem, and it made me cry to think of my mother around me always.   

Also, to Elyse...I would not want to live the last year again...my heart goes out to you and the journey ahead.  How very hard to accept that these amazing women are really gone!

When my mother passed away last February 20, I did not know where to turn.  I found this site rather by accident, and have read so many of these posts for comfort.  It has helped to know that there are others experiencing the same feelings of desolation and grief.

My mother loved the written word, and left behind years of her journals.  How priceless to read her feelings about the events of her life.  Some of her writings are painful and sad, but they mean so much.  She had dabbled in poetry and short stories, and I decided to start a blog as a tribute to her.   It helped me to write about my feelings...

I also found some blogs written by other women who have lost their mothers, and they are links that I visit often when I am feeling lost.  Perhaps they will help some of you as well.  Here they are:

This is Kathy's blog...her mother died of pancreatic cancer: http://peace4me521.wordpress.com/2011/03/24/cancer-life-change/

 

Emmy is a young girl who lost her mother to ovarian cancer: http://emmybelding.tumblr.com/page/1

 

Here's mine: http://mermaidmusing.blogspot.com/

 

Remember, blogs start with the most current post and work back.  To appreciate the journey, go back to the first post. (What happens on Day 50? is my first one). I would love to know of others I can read, especially about mothers.

 

Love to you all...I miss you Mom, more than you will ever know!

 

 

 

 

Hi Angie,

I found the links you sent to me very helpful, thank you very much.  Have a question....so brand new to this blog thing, etc and I wanted to connect directly with emmy but it appears as tho i need to join tumblr and create a domain name?? any clue how i can reach Emmy without doing all of this??

Angie, How did you find these other blogs? I want to be in the loop and in touch with any daughters posting their feelings etc about their moms but need your expertise and guidance.

Thank you again, so much, for your guidance.

xo

Elyse

Angie said:

Thanks so much to everyone who has written about the beautiful Mothers lost to them.  I especially loved Jenny's poem, and it made me cry to think of my mother around me always.   

Also, to Elyse...I would not want to live the last year again...my heart goes out to you and the journey ahead.  How very hard to accept that these amazing women are really gone!

When my mother passed away last February 20, I did not know where to turn.  I found this site rather by accident, and have read so many of these posts for comfort.  It has helped to know that there are others experiencing the same feelings of desolation and grief.

My mother loved the written word, and left behind years of her journals.  How priceless to read her feelings about the events of her life.  Some of her writings are painful and sad, but they mean so much.  She had dabbled in poetry and short stories, and I decided to start a blog as a tribute to her.   It helped me to write about my feelings...

I also found some blogs written by other women who have lost their mothers, and they are links that I visit often when I am feeling lost.  Perhaps they will help some of you as well.  Here they are:

This is Kathy's blog...her mother died of pancreatic cancer: http://peace4me521.wordpress.com/2011/03/24/cancer-life-change/

 

Emmy is a young girl who lost her mother to ovarian cancer: http://emmybelding.tumblr.com/page/1

 

Here's mine: http://mermaidmusing.blogspot.com/

 

Remember, blogs start with the most current post and work back.  To appreciate the journey, go back to the first post. (What happens on Day 50? is my first one). I would love to know of others I can read, especially about mothers.

 

Love to you all...I miss you Mom, more than you will ever know!

 

 

 

 

Thank you Jenny for this beautiful poem. In my heart, this is exactly what I believe when we lose a loved one...but I could never put it in beautiful words such as this. I lost my mother a few years ago and recently lost my father. Thank you for adding this to the discussion post.

Jenny said:
I was sent this..Thought it was beautiful and just wanted to share...

To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say,
But first of all to let you know that I arrived okay.
I'm writing this from Heaven, where I dwell with God above,
Where there are no tears or sadness, there is just eternal Love.

...Please do not be unhappy, just because I'm out of sight,
Remember that I'm with you, every morning, noon and night.
That day I had to leave you, when my life on earth was through,
God picked me up and hugged me, and said, " I welcome you".

"It's good to have you back again.
You were missed while you were gone.
As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on.
I need you here so badly as part of my big plan.
There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man".

Then God gave me a list of things he wished for me to do.
And foremost on that list of mine, is to watch and care for you.
I will be beside you, every day of the week and year,
And when you're sad I'm standing there, to wipe away the tear.

And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight,
God and I are closest to you in the middle of the night.
When you think of my life on Earth, and all those loving years,
Because you're only human, there's bound to be some tears.

One thing is for certain, though my life on Earth is over,
I am closer to you now than I ever was before.
And to my many friends, trust God knows what is best.
I am not far away from you, I'm just beyond the crest.

There are rocky roads ahead for you and many hills to climb,
Together we can do it, taking one day at a time.
It was my philosophy and please I'd like for you,
To give unto the world, so the world will give to you.

If you can help someone who's in sorrow or in pain,
Then you can say to God at night, my day was not in vain.
And now I am contented that my life it was worthwhile,
Knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile.

When you're walking down the street and I am on your mind,
I'm walking in your footsteps, only half a step behind.
And when you feel a gentle breeze of wind upon your face,
That's me giving you a great big hug, or just a s oft embrace.

When it's time for you to go from that body to be free,
Remember you are not going, you are coming home to me.
I will always love you, from that place way up above,
I will be in touch again soon.
P.S. God sends his love.

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