I know everyone has mentioned how hard the Holidays are to get through without their Mother or Father especially the first time. I have been in a fog this week & last unable to make decisions and can't figure out what I want to do for this holiday. Mom passed almost 2 months ago, and my husband has been supportive for the most part, however he doesn't understand how I'm feeling about Thanksgiving. A week ago I wanted to have nothing to do with cooking or even thinking about Thanksgiving and had suggested we leave town. He was for it but now in hindsight I feel like I don't want to deal with traffic, hotels room and not being home for the holiday. Thanksgiving & Christmas are the two holidays my Mom & I planned for weeks ahead as far as cooking and preparing our meal together as long as I can remember. We always did our shopping together for these holidays. She was always the one who picked the "right" turkey and she spent days making her pies and fruit salad along with all the sweets she always made. I used to always call her so many times a day asking her to explain the recipes of whatever I was making. She knew everything by heart after making them year after year. Her special recipes she always made.... everything we've always eaten year after year. All the tradition seems like it has vanished. I found her old cookbook with handwritten recipes she wrote. One was dated 1953..thats how long she has made some of these recipes and before I know her Mother cooked the same and her Mother before. I found one from 1899 that her Grandmother wrote. I feel so lost right now. I'm sitting here looking through her little book and I can't find the recipe for her turkey dressing. I don't remember what she used to make it. Why does this hurt so bad? I never once thought during any of the holidays past that Mom would not be here one day and what would I do. I wish I had prepared for this day. What food would I fix? How do I cook the turkey without calling her ten times asking questions. This is why I don't want to fix anything, but then 5 minutes later I want to cook everything we've always had. I can't figure out what I want to do! Add on top of this I am feeling really confused about my husband and his family. His Mom says she will fix all the food but I can't let her do this without helping. But yet I don't think I can help her cook, I will be crying the whole day if I do I just know it.I know she is trying to help but I don't want her cooking. Not this year. After my husband told his Mom we might be leaving town... they've decided to stay home. (They live an hr away) I think they are mad at me now or his Mom is hurt which makes me feel worse. Presently my husband & I are barely speaking this past wk, I know he wants to go to his parents and I feel horrible about it. I'm missing my Mom so bad and am so confused all I do is cry.I've told him to go without me but he won't. I know Mom would not want me like this and say go on and make new traditions. My grown kids all have other plans with their families so its just my husband & I this yr apparently. I'm so sad and missing her presence so much. Is there anyone else in the world experiencing what I am? This holiday is just breaking my heart! I don't want to even think about Christmas. I feel frozen...I cannot make a decision! I feel so alone! Anyone else feel like this????????
it is really nice to sit in front of the computer tonight and cry and read others posts about your mom's and dad's. I can't believe tomorrow will be my 5th Thanksgiving with out dad. He should be here, he LOVEd Thanksgiving. We would always go for a long hike and then eat, he loved to eat. The holidays are so hard, the meaning of holidays has changed so much without my dad. I have a 2 1/2 yr old little girl, I wish he could be here to play with her during these special holiday times. It still seems so strange that he will not be here. I miss his voice, I miss his believing in me no matter what I did. I miss his phone calls, always checking in. Sometimes we would talk several times per day or he would call and we would get off the phone and I would forget to tell him something and call him back and talk for long periods of time about all of the details of our lives. He kept tabs on me. No one knows me and believes in me the way he did. My dad's love was the living meaning of unconditional love. I am so sad to have lost him, still fighting so hard with my regrets too. Why didn't I know to slow down and be more present with him before he was gone. So many times I was too busy, and he wanted to just visit and I would rush off. I would give anything for a moment, a hug, a phone call, but it is too late. I miss you dad. Thank you all for understanding, no one in real life understands, eveyone is also busy and cannot imagine how so many years later the pain is still so intense, and that is understnadable. He was such a huge presence in my life, that does not die inside me, just because he did. I still have all of our memories, our laughs, our moments. Tomorrow will be hard dad, but I will try to be present and enjoy each moment and each conversation and morel of food, the way you would if you were here with me.