How could it be 5 months?

I sit here this morning looking at the clock finding it hard to believe my Mom passed away exactly 5 months ago a few minutes before 8am. Exactly 5 months ago I was sitting on the side of her hospital bed holding her hand that morning while watching her take her last breaths unable to believe what I was seeing. Leaning down with my cheek to her cheek…crying & crying…unable to stop myself from saying over and over again… “Mom…mom…mom….like she would suddenly open her eyes and say its okay…I’m alright honey.” My disbelief that the nurse was saying she was leaving us…I couldn’t believe it then and now when I think about it…it still feels like a bad dream. Turning around to see my husband standing at the foot of the bed crying with me…seeing and knowing what was coming but not wanting to accept it. How I've hated that day! Now I understand how much I didn’t know that morning. How much I didn’t comprehend how the beginning of the end was her injury 5 months before which would change all of our lives. How I took everything for granted day by day before she fell…not getting it could all be gone with one little stumble. How my thoughts at the time were always that she would get better. I should have listened to my niece the RN who told me that first night in the ER that life had changed! I should have understood but I had the belief Mom would get through all this and come home to her little apartment and things would be like they always had been. Now in hindsight I realize there was nothing I could do to change the outcome. Life was changing and all the “if only” times when I begged God to make Mom better, the “if only” we could go back in time to the days before she broke her pelvis…the “if only” times I wanted it to be the way it had always been. Now I know there was nothing I do…how her health had declined over the years…how frail she really was…how much she must have missed my stepfather who had died 2 yrs before…how it was just her time to go Sept 28^th 2010. Now I try to think how lucky I was…how I got to spend 55 yrs with her…how lucky I was to have a Mom who had 80 good years on this earth! The selfish part of me misses her so much and wants her back…the realist in me knows how lucky I was to have had her so long in my life. I know in my heart she is in a better place now, no pain, no sadness, with loved ones forever especially her Grandaughter she missed so much! But the hole in my heart won’t heal anytime soon! I miss her so much! I get through each day somehow but time hasn’t made it any easier. How I still miss the everyday stuff that made our lives what they were…the shopping trips…talking on the phone everyday…the time spent together…the day to day humdrum of our lives I miss so much! I’m getting through the days and weeks & months but I don’t know how I am….somehow they just go by. I am happy… I am sad…I am miserable without her…I’m grateful for the years we had…I’m all of these things and more. I believe I will see her again someday and that is what sustains me. That is my hope… that is what gets me through the sad times! How can it really be 5 months since I've seen her and hugged her? How can time seem to go by so quickly and I never noticed it before? Five long months.....feels like forever right now.....I miss you so much Mom!

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Permalink Reply by Katie Shay on February 28, 2011 at 3:01pm

I can identify with EVERYTHING you just said. I hope that time will allow all of us to be able to adjust to life without our beloved parent(s) by our side. You were so very lucky to of had 55 years with your mother. I only had 28 years with my father and only had 3 days to prepare for his death. It's been 2 months and 28 days since he died at the age of 54 and it hurts just a bad as it did on day 1.

The most important lesson that we all have learned from our loss: don't take anything/anyone for granted and live each day as it was your last <3 I took my father's life for granted; I imagined him being there coaching my daughter when she was old enough to throw a ball, I couldn't wait for him to savor the victory of seeing my pain when my daughter was going through her horrible teenage years... If only I lived in the now instead of the future. From the day my father took his last breath I swore to never be like that again.... You never know God's plan.

Permalink Reply by Diane Gordon on February 28, 2011 at 6:39pm

Oh how I can relate to everything you say. My mom also was dying long before we ever realized it. She had several bouts with cellulitis, but she always pulled through everything. We all just thought she would get well like she always did. She was so strong, she could beat anything. But dementia hit her like a lead balloon, and there was no coming back. Her mind just got worse and worse until there was no quality to her life and her room in heaven had been prepared. I also sat with her as she took her last breath. I watched her loose her footing on earth, and move into another realm so softly. I also took her for granted and didn't appreciate her for the good, kind, loving and beautiful person she was. I only hope that she and God can forgive me for not doing more. I wanted to give her the world, but in the end I feel like I failed her. She was my heart. I will miss her till the day I die. Thank you mom for everything. We'll meet again someday, I promise.

Permalink Reply by Diane Gordon on February 28, 2011 at 6:39pm

Permalink Reply by elyse on April 17, 2011 at 5:46pm