It hurts so much then at times I am numb. It is unfathomable to me that mom is no longer on earth and the loss of control is freightening. >I know everyone says that our mothers are with us, and I do believe that as well, but for now I need to be with my raw emotional state and just say, THATS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

I want my mother here, on earth, with me, and with all of us, gracing us with her magnificant presence, her words of wisdom, her love, her comfort, her guidance.

I am letting all the feelings be what they are without judging them, when sad- cry, when mad- scream, when frozen and numb- stare blindly into space and just be.

I have a journal that i write to mom each week and i have been journaling since the first saturday after mom died (feb 19, 2011). I find a quiet time when i am alone and i place mom's picture (and will add a candle starting today's entry) in front of me and i write what i have wanted to tell mom that came up for me that week.

The funeral was beautiful, my daughter Alexis age 11 played one of her compositions on the piano, we had one of mom's classical music ensembles play a beautiful piece (mom founded the  music festival of the hamptons  helping to support emerging musician) and was a renowned interior designer.  I ran mom's companies for her, so we had had a business relationship in addition to our unbelievable bond.  We are planning the memorial which will be in NYC in June now. 

I know i have a long way to go before i can accept that mom is gone, and I know with that acceptance i will be able to believe that mom is here with me, always....

i reach out to all of you who have lost your mother's, please tell me if this hole inside ever feels whole again And when and how does acceptance come ?

love and peace,

Elyse

 

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Replies to This Discussion

Elyse,

I can definately feel your raw emotions you are experiencing and you know what.... It's O.K.  If you need to cry, scream, feel numb you have to do what you need to do so that you can go through your grieving process to get to a better peacful place that will bring you comfort.   From one daughter to another.... No the void will NEVER be filled, after all, they are our mothers who were always there to give us the  guidance we needed,  the comfort we longed to have from them like no other can give and as you said that magnificant presence they posessed as strong women.  But think of this.... When you feel the hurt and pain of carrying around a hole in your heart that you feel will never seem to heal.. Think about that hole as a special place that is a perfect fit for only your thoughts of your mom's memory and special bond that only you and her shared... I pray you find comfort and you will it just take's time to get to a tolerable place Elyse.... Peace and Blessings to you and your family....

Vanessa, you are an amazing, loving, caring spiritual person who I am proud to say is my special friend.  I feel your support, I hear your words with my heart, and I am grateful to have you by my side- one daughter to the next, as we go through the journey of life without our mothers here on earth.  How have your days changed from two months after your mom passed to now???

peace and friendship,

Elyse

Vanessa H said:

Elyse,

I can definately feel your raw emotions you are experiencing and you know what.... It's O.K.  If you need to cry, scream, feel numb you have to do what you need to do so that you can go through your grieving process to get to a better peacful place that will bring you comfort.   From one daughter to another.... No the void will NEVER be filled, after all, they are our mothers who were always there to give us the  guidance we needed,  the comfort we longed to have from them like no other can give and as you said that magnificant presence they posessed as strong women.  But think of this.... When you feel the hurt and pain of carrying around a hole in your heart that you feel will never seem to heal.. Think about that hole as a special place that is a perfect fit for only your thoughts of your mom's memory and special bond that only you and her shared... I pray you find comfort and you will it just take's time to get to a tolerable place Elyse.... Peace and Blessings to you and your family....

hi Scott,

when did your mom pass away?

thanks for reaching out to me, i hope i can offer some type of comfort and vice versa as we go through the journey of life without our  mothers.

peace and friendship,

Elyse



Scott Olstein said:

I am in the same situation as you and am new to this group.  I'm not sure what to say yet because I'm not use to being in a support group.  I also feel very numb.

Hi Elyse,

 

Thank you for the very kind words and it is my pleasure to be able to share as well as be as supportive to you and anyone else that I can, to perhaps give some form of comfort even if it's only enough to get you through the next second of your grieving period..   I hope today your feeling a little better than you were yesterday but it takes time so go at your on pace... Thinking back on how I got through the first two months I can tell you honestly that I barely did...  I missed and still miss my mother so much that I would call her telephone number just to hear her voice on her voice mail over and over again... I found myself still picking up the telephone to call and ask her a question then remembered she wasnt going to answer.    It's a process and some days you dont know if your going to make it from one minute to the next but somehow you do.  You ask yourself is the hurt ever going to go away.  You get angry and think how could a higher power take my mom from me knowing how much I needed her.  You feel envy for those still fortunate to still have their mothers here with them.  You feel scared because your biggest support system is gone and you wonder are you ever going to be able to pick up the pieces...  All I can say Elyse is that we all grieve differantly and some of us not so different... I feel that this is a good place to start a true healing process because even though we have family and friends who try to be supportive and understand, there is going to come a point in time where when those close to you will do exactly as the cliche says " Life goes on " and they will go on with their lives when you are still grieving and still need that shoulder to lean on and that ear to listen to you because even though they have empathy for you they really dont get it nor understand the strong tie that a mother and child have.   I feel there are certain people here in this forum who are sincere and can be that extra push that you need that will pull you through.. In the mean time it's one day at a time...  Blessings....

Hello Scott,

 

I just wanted to say I am very sorry for the loss of your mom and WELCOME to the group... I am trusting that you will find some peace and comfort here. Dont worry about knowing what to say it will come to you as you become more comfortable in this new setting.  Just know everyone here has or is going through the same thing so we all understand your pain...  Take Care... Vanessa

Scott Olstein said:

I am in the same situation as you and am new to this group.  I'm not sure what to say yet because I'm not use to being in a support group.  I also feel very numb.

Elyse...I really like the way you write, and I have felt and feel what you are saying.  In the beginning, I was angered by the comments about my Mom always being with me.  I was just so livid that she had been stolen from me that I didn't care.

 

I was almost offended by references to God, or belief in anything after this life, because I didn't feel that any God I wanted to know would have taken my Mom so early and in such a cruel way.  She wanted to live so badly, and left so many dreams unrealized.  She had always been a woman of faith, and it just didn't seem to make one bit of difference...ZERO.

 

I listen to the CD of my Mom's funeral in my car.  All of her children spoke (me, my two sisters and brother).  She had selected the music she wanted and we all tried to pay tribute to her through our stories and words.  It sounds like your Mother was an amazing women, and I bet your daughter (I have a daughter named Alexis too) played beautifully.

 

I started reading everything I could get my hands on about life after death, mediums communicating with the dead, and near-death experiences.  I needed to make contact with her; REAL contact, and even the signs she left behind just seemed like cruel reminders of all that had been lost.

 

Acceptance?  I don't know when that comes because I am still waiting.  I am not sure that we ever really accept that our Mothers are gone from us.  I still wake up thinking of things I need to tell her, and I can't wait to call her and hear her voice, her laugh...and then I remember.

 

Keep writing your feelings here and in your journal...I bet you would write a wonderful blog.  Take care

 

 

All I can say Angie, is that i literally have chills after reading your words to me.  You are very very special and I am truly grateful to have connected with you.  I added you as a friend, another place where we can write to eachother, thanks so much for your genuine honest heartfelt expression of your loss, may we all walk this path, this journey through  life - without our mothers- together, and find some sense of comfort.

peace, love and friendship,

Elyse

Angie said:

Elyse...I really like the way you write, and I have felt and feel what you are saying.  In the beginning, I was angered by the comments about my Mom always being with me.  I was just so livid that she had been stolen from me that I didn't care.

 

I was almost offended by references to God, or belief in anything after this life, because I didn't feel that any God I wanted to know would have taken my Mom so early and in such a cruel way.  She wanted to live so badly, and left so many dreams unrealized.  She had always been a woman of faith, and it just didn't seem to make one bit of difference...ZERO.

 

I listen to the CD of my Mom's funeral in my car.  All of her children spoke (me, my two sisters and brother).  She had selected the music she wanted and we all tried to pay tribute to her through our stories and words.  It sounds like your Mother was an amazing women, and I bet your daughter (I have a daughter named Alexis too) played beautifully.

 

I started reading everything I could get my hands on about life after death, mediums communicating with the dead, and near-death experiences.  I needed to make contact with her; REAL contact, and even the signs she left behind just seemed like cruel reminders of all that had been lost.

 

Acceptance?  I don't know when that comes because I am still waiting.  I am not sure that we ever really accept that our Mothers are gone from us.  I still wake up thinking of things I need to tell her, and I can't wait to call her and hear her voice, her laugh...and then I remember.

 

Keep writing your feelings here and in your journal...I bet you would write a wonderful blog.  Take care

 

 

Elyse, I wish I could tell you when we'll get acceptance. My own sweet mother passed away just 9 days ago, so I don't know what 2 months or 2 years or 2 decades down the road will feel like. Today is especially difficult because it's my first birthday without her and I so very much miss the past years when she would call me and tell me Happy Birthday and how much she loved me and how proud of me she was. Before she passed, I prayed and prayed for God to let me take her place. She had cancer for nearly 2 years and it had gone into her bones and she was suffering with a broken hip that could not heal. Then she got sick and was in the hospital for 2 weeks before she died. Most of the time it feels unreal. I keep excepting to pick up the phone and hear her voice. I fight off the anger every day because I know my mom hated it when I was mad. She used to tell me that the only person who suffered when I got mad was me. I keep trying to find small measures of comfort throughout the day and one thing that has helped is to comfort others. My mother had a very soft heart for those who were grieving and I was blessed to inherit that from her. Every time I am able to comfort someone else who is hurting, whether it's a stranger who's lost someone they dearly love or someone that I know who's hurting over my mom's death, I can almost feel her smile shining down on me. I'll keep you and everyone here in my prayers, elyse, and pray that you find the acceptance and comfort you need. And if I were close enough, I'd give you a big hug.

 This helped me..Perhaps it may give you some comfort??.God Bless you

                                           A LETTER FROM HEAVEN

  To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say, But first of all to let you know that I arrived okay. I'm writing this from Heaven, where I dwell with God above, Where there are no tears or sadness, there is just eternal Love. ...Please do not be unhappy, just because I'm out of sight, Remember that I'm with you, every morning, noon and night. That day I had to leave you, when my life on earth was through, God picked me up and hugged me, and said, " I welcome you". "It's good to have you back again. You were missed while you were gone. As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on. I need you here so badly as part of my big plan. There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man". Then God gave me a list of things he wished for me to do. And foremost on that list of mine, is to watch and care for you. I will be beside you, every day of the week and year, And when you're sad I'm standing there, to wipe away the tear. And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight, God and I are closest to you in the middle of the night. When you think of my life on Earth, and all those loving years, Because you're only human, there's bound to be some tears. One thing is for certain, though my life on Earth is over, I am closer to you now than I ever was before. And to my many friends, trust God knows what is best. I am not far away from you, I'm just beyond the crest. There are rocky roads ahead for you and many hills to climb, Together we can do it, taking one day at a time. It was my philosophy and please I'd like for you, To give unto the world, so the world will give to you. If you can help someone who's in sorrow or in pain, Then you can say to God at night, my day was not in vain. And now I am contented that my life it was worthwhile, Knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile. When you're walking down the street and I am on your mind, I'm walking in your footsteps, only half a step behind. And when you feel a gentle breeze of wind upon your face, That's me giving you a great big hug, or just a s oft embrace. When it's time for you to go from that body to be free, Remember you are not going, you are coming home to me. I will always love you, from that place way up above, I will be in touch again soon. P.S. God sends his love.

Hi Elyse, 

I hope this finds you well. I lost my Dad to cancer last year on Feb 27th, he was 55-years-old.

I went through the exact emotions when he died. I wanted to scream at anyone who told me that Dad was in a better place. I wanted him here, on earth, at home. 

But eventually i think i have been able to accept that he is gone, it happened slowly, i am not there yet completely. 

This year i started to clean up his things and give away his possessions, I cry every time but that helps  me a lot, a bit like emotional cleaning. I started with the small things, like his books and old clothes and gave those away. Then eventually the bigger things, like selling his old car.

Mind you, this took me a year to finally sort out his things. 

 

I am slowly saying goodbye to him by giving away his things n removing reminders of his physical presence in the house. It helps me accept he is gone in the physical sense.It is a very slow and painful process but it helps. 

I am not saying you should do this now, i am just tell you what helped me. I am 24-years-old and i am trying my best to accept he is gone. 

 

I can't say if the hole or the void ever goes away, it has been a year and i still miss him but i think we learn to live with it.It becomes a part of life and we become okay with it.  Hope you find your answers and peace of mind.

 

 

I am so sorry about your mom my mom died when i was only 23 so she never got to know any grandchildren, but my father didn't die until this past aug he would have been 87, he loved his

grandchildren please remember them I know you are hurting but when my dad died I knew it

hurt my children but he was 87 and was ready to go home I didn't think how much it was hurting

my children, especially my youngest son, he use to talk to his papa about everything and when

he died he turned to his friends 3 months after my father died 1 day before his 88 birthday my son

was killed he was 17 years old I believe that my father saw that my son was going to go the wrong way with out him here to guide him so he took him to heaven i am still so angry at both of them, i didn't even get to grieve my fathers death before I had to bury my son, but this site is wonderful and someone is always here to help you when you need it

Hi Elyse:

My mother passed about six years ago and she was my best friend and confidante in the entire world. The hole in my heart was unbearable and I cried everyday for almost a year. Your life will never be the same but you will learn to live with it.

 

I also kept a journal and that was very helpful. Now, whenever I am driving somewhere I pretend that I call my mom and talk to her as if she was on the other end of the phone. Sometimes I do feel her presence around when I talk to her, and it makes me feel better. Acceptance will come but it takes time. For me, I looked into my faith and embraced that. I became more active in my church and started studying the Bible. However, I realize everyone believes something and not all people are the same. But know that your mother is still alive in you, and your daughter. Your mom will always be alive in your heart. And I am a believer in that one day, we all do meet up again.

God Bless you...I know the pain you are going through. Julie.

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