It hurts so much then at times I am numb. It is unfathomable to me that mom is no longer on earth and the loss of control is freightening. >I know everyone says that our mothers are with us, and I do believe that as well, but for now I need to be with my raw emotional state and just say, THATS NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

I want my mother here, on earth, with me, and with all of us, gracing us with her magnificant presence, her words of wisdom, her love, her comfort, her guidance.

I am letting all the feelings be what they are without judging them, when sad- cry, when mad- scream, when frozen and numb- stare blindly into space and just be.

I have a journal that i write to mom each week and i have been journaling since the first saturday after mom died (feb 19, 2011). I find a quiet time when i am alone and i place mom's picture (and will add a candle starting today's entry) in front of me and i write what i have wanted to tell mom that came up for me that week.

The funeral was beautiful, my daughter Alexis age 11 played one of her compositions on the piano, we had one of mom's classical music ensembles play a beautiful piece (mom founded the  music festival of the hamptons  helping to support emerging musician) and was a renowned interior designer.  I ran mom's companies for her, so we had had a business relationship in addition to our unbelievable bond.  We are planning the memorial which will be in NYC in June now. 

I know i have a long way to go before i can accept that mom is gone, and I know with that acceptance i will be able to believe that mom is here with me, always....

i reach out to all of you who have lost your mother's, please tell me if this hole inside ever feels whole again And when and how does acceptance come ?

love and peace,



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Replies to This Discussion

Hi Terri:

I can read the pain in your comments. My sympathys go out to you. I have lost both of my parents but I could not fathom the loss of my child. I would feel somewhat at ease knowing that your son is with your mother and father. Do you ever feel your son's presence around you?

God Bless You, Julie.

Terri Kuta said:

I am so sorry about your mom my mom died when i was only 23 so she never got to know any grandchildren, but my father didn't die until this past aug he would have been 87, he loved his

grandchildren please remember them I know you are hurting but when my dad died I knew it

hurt my children but he was 87 and was ready to go home I didn't think how much it was hurting

my children, especially my youngest son, he use to talk to his papa about everything and when

he died he turned to his friends 3 months after my father died 1 day before his 88 birthday my son

was killed he was 17 years old I believe that my father saw that my son was going to go the wrong way with out him here to guide him so he took him to heaven i am still so angry at both of them, i didn't even get to grieve my fathers death before I had to bury my son, but this site is wonderful and someone is always here to help you when you need it

A friend of mine told me about this site and upon looking for other members in my area I saw your post.  I am deeply saddened by your loss.  I tragically lost my dad about five years ago so I can sympathize with your loss.  The Bible refers to death as being an enemy (1 Corinthians 15:26) and I am sure all members on this site would agree because of the pain it causes.  God never purposed for us to experience such a tradegy.  When he created man and woman his purpose was for them to live forever (Genesis 1:28, 2:15-17).  Due to their disobedience they lost out on the hope of living forever not only for themselves but also for us, their offspring (Romans 5:12).  However, this does not mean that we are without hope.  When I lost my father I turned to the Bible and God for help, comfort and hope.  In the Bible at Revelation 21:4 God mentions that he is going to do away with death forever.  How wonderful that will be when we will no longer have to suffer the pain caused by such loss! One scripture that I meditate on often and enjoy sharing with others is found at John 5:28,29.  Jesus had just performed a miracle in healing an individual and people were astonished by what he had done. Jesus then went on to tell his listeners that if they thought his healing was amazing in the near future he would perform miracles on a far grander scale, a resurrection of those sleeping in death.  He said he would call their names and they would awaken from death.  Elyse can you imagine Jesus calling your mother's name and telling her to awaken because he is again granting her life. A life that she will be able to enjoy forever, in perfect health (Isaiah 33:24) and on a paradise earth (Luke 23:43,Psalms 37:29) that our first parents lost for us.  Though this may seem like it's a dream or impossible it's not.  God has promised these things and He cannot and will not lie (Titus 1:2).  The things and events that were written in the Bible were written to give us hope and help us to gain faith in God's wonderful promises for us (Romans 15:4).  I hope you take the time to look up the scriptures that i quoted in your Bible so that you can too gain comfort and hope.   I will keep you and your family in my prayers.


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