How to learn to live without my mom

I lost my mom on April 1, 2011. It still doesn't seem real. I am having a very hard time accepting this. I wrote a blog on my home page about her. I took care of her every night. My husband, my little girl and myself would go to her house and I would take care of her. She lived with my dad. I feel so lost withouayt her. Not being able to take care of her everyday, not laughing with her, not being able to have our private mother to daughter talks, not having her here to encourage me and cheer me on. She was the one person who loved me and believed in me no matter what. I feel so frustrated, angry, sad, disappointed and just confused with life. I know this may sound bad, but I feel like God really knew I needed her right now at this point in my life. My little girl was very close to her as well. She was the only one my daughter would talk to so now she feels that lost feeling as well. I am trying to lean on God and read his word but it just hurts like crazy not having her here. Everybody has told me God will get me through it but I just still feel so lost and alone right now. I feel like my everything was snatched away from me and I have to learn to live in a totaly different way. I feel like I take one step fowared and about a hundred backwards. I know this is crazy, but sometimes I forget she really is gone. I will have the feeling of being so excited to see her or tell her something.....then reality hits and then I realize she is not here anymore. I know she is in Heaven and not suffering but I quess I am just selfish and want her here with me. I can not imagine having to go the rest of my life without her. That really overwhelms me. It has taken me 5 weeks to just start believing I may make it. Up to that point, I thought it was no way I was gonna make it. In my mind, if I couldnt have her, I didn't want to go on. I know that sounds really bad, but the bond we had was just so strong and to not have that left me feeling very hopeless. I have had many many dark days since she passed on April 1. Right when I feel like I am actually starting to breathe again, out of now where it knocks me over. Then it all starts over. I do want to say that I am VERY THANKFUL TO HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH SUCH A JEWEL OF A MOM. I do feel like God truly blessed me with her. I try to put one foot in front of another each day and breathe and celebrate her life. It just can be very overwhelming. I will press on for her and God. I know she is in Heaven cheering me on and that is what is getting me through. Love you and miss you MOMMA

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Permalink Reply by Allison on May 15, 2011 at 10:50am

Ashlyn,

I know how you feel. I lost my momma on February 24th. The morning she passed felt so hurt and confused. I had never felt such heart ache. Everything was sureal. My momma meant everything to mean. I wanted her here with me and my father but I knew she was better off with God.

Two and half months later I feel stronger. The pain has lessened but it still hurts. There's one thing I've realized, my momma is still in my heart and so is yours. Everywhere you go she is with you. She is still encouraging you and you can still talk to her. Your strong bond is not broken. She watching over you and your family. You're blessed with a special Guardian Angel and she smiling down on you with pride.

Ashlyn, you will get through this. It just takes time. Lean on God, your family and friends for support. Do not let anyone tell you that you should be feeling or acting a certain way. Whatever your feeling is normal and time in you will find a "new normal".

Take it one day at a time and slowly but surely you will get through this. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sending hugs your way.....

Allison

Permalink Reply by Allison on May 15, 2011 at 10:50am

Ashlyn,

Take it one day at a time and slowly but surely you will get through this. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sending hugs your way.....

Allison

Permalink Reply by Angie on May 15, 2011 at 2:07pm

Ashlyn, I am so sorry for your loss...it sounds like you had a wonderful mother and are still (naturally) feeling traumatized by the way she died and how quickly she was taken from you. I understand as I lost my beautiful mother one day before my birthday... February 20, 2010.

We hang on to hope for so long, much longer than is reasonable I believe, and we always think we will have time for those last precious conversations that so often don't happen.

Like you, I was angry, stunned that she had been taken, and just so devastated that her life was shortened by suffering and a decline that left our family reeling, especially my poor father. I went back to work way too soon, but was grateful for something to do, even though I was an emotional zombie.

I can't tell you that the weeks and months ahead will be easier...in many ways, you are just beginning grief's journey and the pain of realizing that she is never coming back is one that goes on and on. For months, I felt part of me had died with my Mom, and I am just starting to feel that life might be happy again. Our mother's love made us stronger and finding the strength we didn't even know we had is truly our tribute to them.

But the process of grieving is exhausting and lonely. No one is going to grieve your mother the same way you do. Your connection to her was and is unique and so will be your struggle to live without her. Be kind to yourself, and don't anyone tell you how to grieve or that you should be better, enough time has passed, etc.

The people on this site understand...we are all grieving and are sharing our insights through different stages of an experience that we hoped would never come. Keep us posted and write whatever you feel...your words help and inspire us too.

Take care...

Permalink Reply by Monique Robinson Poole on May 15, 2011 at 8:43pm

Ashlyn,

I feel you so bad. My Mom left me on Jan 10,2010. Mothers Day has passed again and I feel anger and sad. I cannot believe that I am here without her, and where is she? Can she see us? Is she asleep, can she visit us? My kids and I have to live without her too and it is difficult. I am thankful she was here and she was mine but I am so not feeling pressing on. I know this is no help to you but I know someone understands. This is a club noone wants to join.

Permalink Reply by Linda R. Thrasher-Rocker on May 15, 2011 at 10:42pm

I too can relate...my Mom joined Heaven on April 2nd...in the very earlier hours of the morning...held her hand all night in ICU...she had been doing so good and just like that blood pressure drops and she is not responding...it pains me when I think or try to process the chain of events...in and out of hospitals since Dec...she was a trooper....my best friend ...and I take care of her every day-a although her quality of life had decressed and had to be on oxygen- we had fun together...miss her so much...my 3 year old son does too...from time to time it doesn;t seem real and I often have to say to myself that it is...I still take care of her home and her cats and think and cry and pray...she is loving me from Heaven and wouldn't want me to dwell and moop and be down...so I carry on and I feel better just knowing that I will one day see her (and my Dad) again...

Permalink Reply by Linda R. Thrasher-Rocker on May 15, 2011 at 10:42pm

Permalink Reply by Diane Gordon on May 17, 2011 at 8:55pm

Ashlyn, I am so sorry for your loss. I also lost my wonderful mother on January 8, 2011. So much of what you said is exactly what I felt and am still feeling. I still can't believe she is gone. I look at her pictures and still remember when they were taken like it was yesterday. I also am so thankful that God blessed me with this kind and loving woman who has inspired me throughout my life and will remain in my heart until I can be with her again in heaven. I will keep you in my prayers along with all of our brothers and sisters who have lost their parents.

Permalink Reply by Sherry Crockett on May 17, 2011 at 11:37pm

Dear Ashlyn,

I lost my mom on May 5, 2011 almost two weeks ago. The pain is so fresh and overwhelming until at times I feel I can not bear it. I am a mixed bag of emotions that range from anger, disbelief, confusion. I don't know what to do, I feel crippled without her. I did not want her to suffer but I did not want her to leave me either.

For the past two weeks I have been surrounded by many love ones yet I feel as if though I am the only person in this world. The loneliness is unbearable.

My mother had been on hospice since Decemeber 2010. I am a nurse so everyone always expect me to the be the strong one and they were counting on me to be my mother's "Savior". I desperately need to cry without anyone judging me. I even blame myself at times. I often wonder should I have done "this" or "that". Although,I stayed up all night for months after pulling my eight hour shift i constantly wonder and question myself wondering if I did enough. My prayer is that we all find the peace we all desperately need.

I am a christian but right now I am too weak and emotionally exhausted to pray. i feel so lost. I pray that we will make it through this.

Sherry Crockett

Permalink Reply by Sherry Crockett on May 17, 2011 at 11:37pm

Dear Ashlyn,

For the past two weeks I have been surrounded by many love ones yet I feel as if though I am the only person in this world. The loneliness is unbearable.

I am a christian but right now I am too weak and emotionally exhausted to pray. i feel so lost. I pray that we will make it through this.

Sherry Crockett

Permalink Reply by Ashlyn Robinson on May 18, 2011 at 1:17am

Sherry

I understand your feelings so much. I have the same feelings. I just dont know how to go on without her. My mom was on Hospice as well, since Jan 2011. She just went so fast. I am in such denial still. I feel like I didn't even have time to grasp that her cancer was back, we found out it was back on Jan. 3, 2011. She had an amputation in July 2010. I am like you as well, I really didn't want her to suffer, but I wasn't ready to let go. She saw Jesus on Thursday, she died on Friday. Everybody has said to me, isn't that such comfort?? I said yeah but he could of just visited her and not taken her. I know that sounds awful. I needed her, and she feeled such a place in my life. Its just so hard because I feel like God knew I needed her. I quess I must just be selfish. Wednesday, is my birthday. I actually am not looking forward to it. She always made my birthday so special. We LOVED cake and would always celebrate together. My husband doesn't like sweets so he doesnt understand the cake thing. Oh well. lol Maybe I can find some peace with time and thank you for your sweet and precious comments. They meant so much to me. It is so nice to have somewhere to go where no one judges you and just understands you. Thanks again..

Sherry Crockett said:

Dear Ashlyn,

I lost my mom on May 5, 2011 almost two weeks ago. The pain is so fresh and overwhelming until at times I feel I can not bear it. I am a mixed bag of emotions that range from anger, disbelief, confusion. I don't know what to do, I feel crippled without her. I did not want her to suffer but I did not want her to leave me either.

For the past two weeks I have been surrounded by many love ones yet I feel as if though I am the only person in this world. The loneliness is unbearable.

My mother had been on hospice since Decemeber 2010. I am a nurse so everyone always expect me to the be the strong one and they were counting on me to be my mother's "Savior". I desperately need to cry without anyone judging me. I even blame myself at times. I often wonder should I have done "this" or "that". Although,I stayed up all night for months after pulling my eight hour shift i constantly wonder and question myself wondering if I did enough. My prayer is that we all find the peace we all desperately need.

I am a christian but right now I am too weak and emotionally exhausted to pray. i feel so lost. I pray that we will make it through this.

Sherry Crockett

Permalink Reply by Ashlyn Robinson on May 18, 2011 at 1:20am

Thanks Allison,

The encouraging words mean so much. It is just such an awful time right now. I pray I will be like you and with time find the peace and strenght to go on. Thanks again for the kind words

Allison said:

Ashlyn,

I know how you feel. I lost my momma on February 24th. The morning she passed felt so hurt and confused. I had never felt such heart ache. Everything was sureal. My momma meant everything to mean. I wanted her here with me and my father but I knew she was better off with God.

Two and half months later I feel stronger. The pain has lessened but it still hurts. There's one thing I've realized, my momma is still in my heart and so is yours. Everywhere you go she is with you. She is still encouraging you and you can still talk to her. Your strong bond is not broken. She watching over you and your family. You're blessed with a special Guardian Angel and she smiling down on you with pride.

Ashlyn, you will get through this. It just takes time. Lean on God, your family and friends for support. Do not let anyone tell you that you should be feeling or acting a certain way. Whatever your feeling is normal and time in you will find a "new normal".

Take it one day at a time and slowly but surely you will get through this. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Sending hugs your way.....

Allison

Permalink Reply by Ashlyn Robinson on May 18, 2011 at 1:40am

Linda,

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom, right after mine. Thank you for the sweet words, how you said, she is watching over you and wouldn't want you to moop. That made me think of my mom. I also understand having a child dealing with grief. My little girl is 9 and was very very close to my mom. She was the only one my daughter would talk to. Right now, my daughter is angry and its very hard for me to get her to talk. I know she is griefing very bad, but I am barely hanging on myself and I don't really know how to encourage her. I have asked her if she would want to talk with anyone. Right now she doesn't. The chaplain with hospice has been working with us along with our church friends. Thanks again for the understanding words. I pray you find peace and strength each day. Like you said, they are watching over us encouraging us and cheering us on. They will always be in our hearts. I just miss her like crazy.

Linda R. Thrasher-Rocker said:

I too can relate...my Mom joined Heaven on April 2nd...in the very earlier hours of the morning...held her hand all night in ICU...she had been doing so good and just like that blood pressure drops and she is not responding...it pains me when I think or try to process the chain of events...in and out of hospitals since Dec...she was a trooper....my best friend ...and I take care of her every day-a although her quality of life had decressed and had to be on oxygen- we had fun together...miss her so much...my 3 year old son does too...from time to time it doesn;t seem real and I often have to say to myself that it is...I still take care of her home and her cats and think and cry and pray...she is loving me from Heaven and wouldn't want me to dwell and moop and be down...so I carry on and I feel better just knowing that I will one day see her (and my Dad) again...