How to learn to live without my mom

I lost my mom on April 1, 2011. It still doesn't seem real. I am having a very hard time accepting this. I wrote a blog on my home page about her. I took care of her every night. My husband, my little girl and myself would go to her house and I would take care of her. She lived with my dad. I feel so lost withouayt her. Not being able to take care of her everyday, not laughing with her, not being able to have our private mother to daughter talks, not having her here to encourage me and cheer me on. She was the one person who loved me and believed in me no matter what. I feel so frustrated, angry, sad, disappointed and just confused with life. I know this may sound bad, but I feel like God really knew I needed her right now at this point in my life. My little girl was very close to her as well. She was the only one my daughter would talk to so now she feels that lost feeling as well. I am trying to lean on God and read his word but it just hurts like crazy not having her here. Everybody has told me God will get me through it but I just still feel so lost and alone right now. I feel like my everything was snatched away from me and I have to learn to live in a totaly different way. I feel like I take one step fowared and about a hundred backwards. I know this is crazy, but sometimes I forget she really is gone. I will have the feeling of being so excited to see her or tell her something.....then reality hits and then I realize she is not here anymore. I know she is in Heaven and not suffering but I quess I am just selfish and want her here with me. I can not imagine having to go the rest of my life without her. That really overwhelms me. It has taken me 5 weeks to just start believing I may make it. Up to that point, I thought it was no way I was gonna make it. In my mind, if I couldnt have her, I didn't want to go on. I know that sounds really bad, but the bond we had was just so strong and to not have that left me feeling very hopeless. I have had many many dark days since she passed on April 1. Right when I feel like I am actually starting to breathe again, out of now where it knocks me over. Then it all starts over. I do want to say that I am VERY THANKFUL TO HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH SUCH A JEWEL OF A MOM. I do feel like God truly blessed me with her. I try to put one foot in front of another each day and breathe and celebrate her life. It just can be very overwhelming. I will press on for her and God. I know she is in Heaven cheering me on and that is what is getting me through. Love you and miss you MOMMA

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Permalink Reply by Sherry Crockett on May 18, 2011 at 10:32am

Ashlyn Robinson said:

Sherry

I understand your feelings so much. I have the same feelings. I just dont know how to go on without her. My mom was on Hospice as well, since Jan 2011. She just went so fast. I am in such denial still. I feel like I didn't even have time to grasp that her cancer was back, we found out it was back on Jan. 3, 2011. She had an amputation in July 2010. I am like you as well, I really didn't want her to suffer, but I wasn't ready to let go. She saw Jesus on Thursday, she died on Friday. Everybody has said to me, isn't that such comfort?? I said yeah but he could of just visited her and not taken her. I know that sounds awful. I needed her, and she feeled such a place in my life. Its just so hard because I feel like God knew I needed her. I quess I must just be selfish. Wednesday, is my birthday. I actually am not looking forward to it. She always made my birthday so special. We LOVED cake and would always celebrate together. My husband doesn't like sweets so he doesnt understand the cake thing. Oh well. lol Maybe I can find some peace with time and thank you for your sweet and precious comments. They meant so much to me. It is so nice to have somewhere to go where no one judges you and just understands you. Thanks again..

Sherry Crockett said:

Dear Ashlyn,

I lost my mom on May 5, 2011 almost two weeks ago. The pain is so fresh and overwhelming until at times I feel I can not bear it. I am a mixed bag of emotions that range from anger, disbelief, confusion. I don't know what to do, I feel crippled without her. I did not want her to suffer but I did not want her to leave me either.

For the past two weeks I have been surrounded by many love ones yet I feel as if though I am the only person in this world. The loneliness is unbearable.

My mother had been on hospice since Decemeber 2010. I am a nurse so everyone always expect me to the be the strong one and they were counting on me to be my mother's "Savior". I desperately need to cry without anyone judging me. I even blame myself at times. I often wonder should I have done "this" or "that". Although,I stayed up all night for months after pulling my eight hour shift i constantly wonder and question myself wondering if I did enough. My prayer is that we all find the peace we all desperately need.

I am a christian but right now I am too weak and emotionally exhausted to pray. i feel so lost. I pray that we will make it through this.

Sherry Crockett

Permalink Reply by Sherry Crockett on May 18, 2011 at 11:06am

Dear Ashlyn,

Although my mom had been on hospice since December 2010 I thought I was prepared, but the moment I received the news it was like I never knew it. I too am in denial. I stayed with my mom 3 nights prior to her death. The night before I laid on the hard chairs in the ICU waiting room, I stepped out for a minute to get a pillow and a washcloth, and toothpaste to freshen up only to receive the news that she died as soon as I stepped away. I felt as though an elephant was standing on my chest and I couldnt breathe. I still experience that feeling at times. Yesterday was such a bad day. I felt like I had just lost her on yesterday. I can relate to you about how you feel about your birthday. Mom passed the thursday before Mother's Day. On mother's day, I awoke from my sleep crying so hard, I could not tell my husband why I was crying I didnt even know why. It was a cry I had not experienced in all my lifetime. I was so angry with her. I even asked her during my weeping ,"why did she die at this time which made it that much harder?" I know this sounds selfish, but in order to heal, I feel we must deal with all the emotions the good ones and the bad ones. I feel your pain. I pray that God will take it away from us all.

I too had a jewel of a mother. She was mom, best friend, confidante, teacher, and protector. We had a beautiful relationship that fulfilled me on so many levels. Now those levels are void. My mom had a hospital bed which the medical supply company took it away the other day. It was like losing her all over again because I would go to her home and lay on her bed to feel close to her. Now there is this big, empty space left in the corner of her room i can not bare to look at it. I even got angry at the medical supply company the bed was just property for them whereas it seemed like a part of my mother. We've got to survive this. I too appreciate a place and people that I can talk to without anyone judging me.

Trying to Survive,

Sherry Crockett

Permalink Reply by Ashlyn Robinson on May 19, 2011 at 3:45am

Sherry,

I can relate to you even more. I had been by her side from the time she got real bad on Thursday til Friday when she died. I barely left her side at all. That Friday she died I had got up to go to the restroom and as soon as I sat down they screamed my name. I went running just thinking she was close. But to my dismay, she had died within that minute when I walked away. I beat myself for leaving, I wanted to be be her side. I was there within a minute at the most of her dying. Then once they said she had passed, I didn't believe it. Then I just screamed and screamed and layed with her. When the funeral home came to get her I completly lost it. I know they thought I was crazy. I didn't want to leave her side. My family had to pull me off her literally and convince me I could come back to look at her as soon as they finished. It just seemed so unreal not real at all. At the visitation I didn't leave her side, I held her hand most of the night, it just seemed like she was asleep. The funeral was so overwhelming and the cemetary was even worse. I can relate to mothers day, it was such a numb feeling for me, it hit me hard that night. Do you have children? I have a little girl, and she is struggling her self. I pray we all will continue to crawl forward with the help of God. Thank you for all your words, I know she is watching me and that helps me. I pray you have a better day tomorrow. Praying for you

Ashlyn

Permalink Reply by Ashlyn Robinson on May 19, 2011 at 3:46am

Ashlyn Robinson said:

Sherry,

I can relate to you even more. I had been by her side from the time she got real bad on Thursday til Friday when she died. I barely left her side at all. That Friday she died I had got up to go to the restroom and as soon as I sat down they screamed my name. I went running just thinking she was close. But to my dismay, she had died within that minute when I walked away. I beat myself for leaving, I wanted to be be her side. I was there within a minute at the most of her dying. Then once they said she had passed, I didn't believe it. Then I just screamed and screamed and layed with her. When the funeral home came to get her I completly lost it. I know they thought I was crazy. I didn't want to leave her side. My family had to pull me off her literally and convince me I could come back to look at her as soon as they finished. It just seemed so unreal not real at all. At the visitation I didn't leave her side, I held her hand most of the night, it just seemed like she was asleep. The funeral was so overwhelming and the cemetary was even worse. I can relate to mothers day, it was such a numb feeling for me, it hit me hard that night. Do you have children? I have a little girl, and she is struggling her self. I pray we all will continue to crawl forward with the help of God. Thank you for all your words, I know she is watching me and that helps me. I pray you have a better day tomorrow. Praying for you

Ashlyn

I forgot to ask you what type of cancer did she have?

Permalink Reply by Lora Wallace on May 20, 2011 at 12:05am

I am feeling the same as I just lost my mom and best friend this week. One heavy foot in front of the other and breathe. I have made it 2 days. I miss her so much.

Permalink Reply by Sherry Crockett on May 20, 2011 at 10:53am

Yes

I have a daughter but because I was a single parent for so long my mother literally raised my daughter in order to allow me to work. So my mom is like a second mom for my daughter. He death is tearing my daughter apart. I feel as if though I can not help her it is taking everything I have in me to survive from day to day.

I laid on my mom for a long time and just wept in her arms. I really did not care what anyone thought of my behavior because it was my lose and not theirs. My familiy and friends are telling me that it was not meant for me to be there but that brings me little comfort. I feel betrayed by my death. I just feel so betrayed. And again this may sound selfish but I know I 've got to deal with these feelings oin order to begin the healing process. It is all so surreal even after two weeks. My daughter told me she is so frustrated because she has been able to talk with her. So do I . I keep going to the cemetary to talk with her but the grief and emptiness overtake me once I see the pile of dirt with the beautiful flowers lying on top.

Please keep praying for me as I pray for you.

Sherry Crockett

Ashlyn Robinson said:

Ashlyn Robinson said:
Sherry,

I can relate to you even more. I had been by her side from the time she got real bad on Thursday til Friday when she died. I barely left her side at all. That Friday she died I had got up to go to the restroom and as soon as I sat down they screamed my name. I went running just thinking she was close. But to my dismay, she had died within that minute when I walked away. I beat myself for leaving, I wanted to be be her side. I was there within a minute at the most of her dying. Then once they said she had passed, I didn't believe it. Then I just screamed and screamed and layed with her. When the funeral home came to get her I completly lost it. I know they thought I was crazy. I didn't want to leave her side. My family had to pull me off her literally and convince me I could come back to look at her as soon as they finished. It just seemed so unreal not real at all. At the visitation I didn't leave her side, I held her hand most of the night, it just seemed like she was asleep. The funeral was so overwhelming and the cemetary was even worse. I can relate to mothers day, it was such a numb feeling for me, it hit me hard that night. Do you have children? I have a little girl, and she is struggling her self. I pray we all will continue to crawl forward with the help of God. Thank you for all your words, I know she is watching me and that helps me. I pray you have a better day tomorrow. Praying for you

Ashlyn

I forgot to ask you what type of cancer did she have?

Permalink Reply by Deborah Grate Bennett on May 22, 2011 at 11:23pm

I lost my mom on May 9, 2011, and was blessed with the privilege of being there with her. I often asked God to let me be able to say goodbye to my mom before she departed this world, and my prayer was answered. She was placed in a hospital room on May 6, 2011, the day of her 62nd anniversary. The staff at the hospital was very considerate and understanding. They allowed all of us to camp out in her room so we could be with her. They knew that our family was close knitted and when mom fell ill a couple of years ago, we were all by her side. They did not try to break that bond. I had a chance to say my goodbye and tell her about all the things she taught me. I appreciated all the lectures and whippings I got as a young girl, and explained how it made me a better person as a woman. I am 38 years old and can now pass those teachings to my two daughters.

My mom is sadly missed but never forgotten. There isn't a day that goes by and my mind does not wonder what she's doing. I can remember how she thought she was walking right before she passed away. In my mind, I feel she's gotten those new legs and has use of her arms again. I feel she can now dress herself, turn over by herself, and even feed herself. That's what gives me comfort.

With those thoughts in mind, I can't be sad, but must rejoice because she finally got her crown. And as Allison posted, "You're blessed with a special Guardian Angel" who is smiling down on you with pride.

There will always be a void in your life, but God is the filler of that void. You will always miss her, but she's with you every time you think about her. Her body's gone from your sight, but she still lives on within you.

My prayers are with you and may God forever keep you in His ways.

Permalink Reply by elyse on May 23, 2011 at 7:38pm

Ashlyn, i feel your pain, i feel your loss, i am so sorry, i too know what its like to loose a mom who is everything to you, where the bond is so deep words arent even necessary to converse. My mom passed away feb 19th and i must say that i was in a total fog until the end of march. april is a blur as most days are, and now i am just so so sad because i am sorry to say that as the time passes on and on i just miss mom more and more. i wanted to let you know you are not alone, and tell you that the one thing that has helped me feel connected to mom is writing to my mom in a special journal every single saturday- i recap the week telling her whatever i want to tell her, sometimes i put mom's photo in front of me, i even thought of lighting a candle and still may do that, it really helps. each week i read the prior weeks entry and then i begin. i keep the journal in a special box and add whatever my daughter writes that i yearn to share with mom, and write about her granddaughters poems in my entries to keep their connection going too. i hope you find some sense of comfort in this.

here for you.

elyse