How to relate to others' who have not experienced such a deep loss...

It has been less than two years since my mother passed and less than 4 months since my grandmother passed. I find that for those who have not experienced death on this level, they have no reference point, which of course is natural...but it is very hard to carry on daily with a smile on my face, meanwhile I am crying on the inside. I find people annoying when their complaints of life are so trivial. Even those closest to me forget that parts of me died when my mother did.

My spouse (we are newlyweds) is blessed and has not had to experience the inevitable loss of an immediate family member. I do not know how to relate to him on some emotional levels now...or maybe it is that I now am experiencing emotions I have never experienced therefore it is just me going through the mourning process. or a little of both?

I try and be patient knowing that he does not know what it feels like, but as we all know...the whole "time heals" stuff isn't exactly accurate. We all process things differently...One moment it feels like they died decades ago and the next moment feels like it just happened. Then the heart breaks all over again. 

Thoughts?

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Replies to This Discussion

Hi, Rachel,   I understand what you are saying and have experienced the same myself.  When we were planning my mom's funeral, a lady at the funeral home told us, whatever you feel is okay.  Several times I would think I was going crazy and then I would remember that wise woman's words.  My mom died in 2001 and my dad in 2012.  In October 2014, I accepted that both of my parent's are gone.  I would like to tell you to forget about everyone else and just concentrate on you.  Accept how you feel, find ways to support yourself, become your own mother and grandmother.  Don't expect others to adjust their life to you if you are not accepting your reality.  You will grow through this.  And take your pain, suffering and tears to  your Source (or God, if you believe.)  Be patient with yourself.  Love and care for yourself.  Meet your needs as your mom and grandma would.  I survived and you will too!

I lost my mom in August 2011 and my dad in February 2014. I'm fortunate to have a daughter to easily share my emotions about them. She has many of the same ones,especially about my dad who she cared for and lived with for 3 years.there are many times I'm suddenly sobbing because I miss him so much. My husband never says a word if he notices. He has never been one to support me emotionally,especially concerning any death.sometimes you have to just realize it's not possible for some people. However, so many of my close friends do "get it" so I turn to them. I try to remember only the good things about both my parents since nothing can be done to change history. I wish less sadness for you and that sharing here will be helpful.

Wish I did have some advice for you. I'm so lost as it is. I lost my Mom 2/10, my only child 4/10 and just lost my little brother to PVOD on 9/22/14. Lord please comfort and heal Rachel Ke.

 

Yes, I so agree with you:  ..One moment it feels like they died decades ago and the next moment feels like it just happened. Then the heart breaks all over again. 

Rachel, be good to yourself.

Theresa

Thank you very much for such great insight. I started crying - the kind of tears that hurt and burn when they come out...Thank you!

Charlene Farrell said:

Hi, Rachel,   I understand what you are saying and have experienced the same myself.  When we were planning my mom's funeral, a lady at the funeral home told us, whatever you feel is okay.  Several times I would think I was going crazy and then I would remember that wise woman's words.  My mom died in 2001 and my dad in 2012.  In October 2014, I accepted that both of my parent's are gone.  I would like to tell you to forget about everyone else and just concentrate on you.  Accept how you feel, find ways to support yourself, become your own mother and grandmother.  Don't expect others to adjust their life to you if you are not accepting your reality.  You will grow through this.  And take your pain, suffering and tears to  your Source (or God, if you believe.)  Be patient with yourself.  Love and care for yourself.  Meet your needs as your mom and grandma would.  I survived and you will too!

I think you hit the nail on the head...maybe for me it is that part where it feels like he doesn't notice...and yes I am finding that it will most likely be this forum that helps the healing process..

Sandra E. Byrd said:

I lost my mom in August 2011 and my dad in February 2014. I'm fortunate to have a daughter to easily share my emotions about them. She has many of the same ones,especially about my dad who she cared for and lived with for 3 years.there are many times I'm suddenly sobbing because I miss him so much. My husband never says a word if he notices. He has never been one to support me emotionally,especially concerning any death.sometimes you have to just realize it's not possible for some people. However, so many of my close friends do "get it" so I turn to them. I try to remember only the good things about both my parents since nothing can be done to change history. I wish less sadness for you and that sharing here will be helpful.

ok..wow...that put's things in perspective...I cannot imagine that pain. :( So, may the Lord comfort you and give you the healing you need...

Melinda Guinn said:

Wish I did have some advice for you. I'm so lost as it is. I lost my Mom 2/10, my only child 4/10 and just lost my little brother to PVOD on 9/22/14. Lord please comfort and heal Rachel Ke.

 

Thank you Theresa. Love has no boundaries - time and space.

Theresa LaSalle said:

Yes, I so agree with you:  ..One moment it feels like they died decades ago and the next moment feels like it just happened. Then the heart breaks all over again. 

Rachel, be good to yourself.

Theresa

Tears contain toxins from your body.  It is good to cry! I feel your pain.  Do you know you can talk to your loved ones and they will hear you?  When I lost my mom, I was so low.  Then I started reading Sylvia Browne's books.  I didn't believe until I asked my mom to send me a sign.  The sign was immediate and unmistakable!  You will see your loved ones again.  Just be gentle with yourself and give yourself the love you are missing from them now. 

Rachel Ke said:

Thank you very much for such great insight. I started crying - the kind of tears that hurt and burn when they come out...Thank you!

Charlene Farrell said:

Hi, Rachel,   I understand what you are saying and have experienced the same myself.  When we were planning my mom's funeral, a lady at the funeral home told us, whatever you feel is okay.  Several times I would think I was going crazy and then I would remember that wise woman's words.  My mom died in 2001 and my dad in 2012.  In October 2014, I accepted that both of my parent's are gone.  I would like to tell you to forget about everyone else and just concentrate on you.  Accept how you feel, find ways to support yourself, become your own mother and grandmother.  Don't expect others to adjust their life to you if you are not accepting your reality.  You will grow through this.  And take your pain, suffering and tears to  your Source (or God, if you believe.)  Be patient with yourself.  Love and care for yourself.  Meet your needs as your mom and grandma would.  I survived and you will too!

Hi Rachel,

My husband and I are in similar situation as you. I lost my father unexpectedly when I was 19, and my husband has never had any serious loss in his family. It can be a struggle to talk to your spouse about this topic. I am extremely blessed that my father was a PBS tv personality, so I have so many videos to watch and share with my new family. I find that looking at those videos and photos and stories helps my husband to understand how big this loss was to me. He tries, and I think as long as you keep the line of communication open it will get easier to talk about your loss with your husband. He will never completely understand, but your feelings about the connection will improve. I was closest with my father, and his loss is still devastating to me. 

Thank you Catherine. I truly appreciate your input and I do wish I had videos...Right now it is that time of year where the death date anniversary is approaching. 

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