My mom passed away January 8, 2011.  She was 93 years old.  My heart is broken and I feel that my life will never be the same.  There is very little support available for grieving. People just think you should be your old self by the time the funeral is over.  I carry much guilt and regret over my mom's death.  I took her for granted.  I thought she would always be there, because she always was.  When she became too much of a burden for myself and my siblings, we put her in a nursing home.  That very night her dementia escalated and she literally lost her mind.  I never saw or heard of anything like that.  She had dementia with psychosis.  She suffered and screamed out in a hospital for a month, and then in a nursing home for twelve days before God finally ended her journey.  My mom was a beautiful and incredibly strong woman.  When she left us, a piece of my heart went with her.  I feel so alone and empty inside.  No one can understand the pain I am feeling unless you have also suffered the devastating loss of a mom.  I pray that God will forgive me for not being a better daughter.  She would have done anything for us, but I feel that we turned our backs on her when she needed us most.  I'm sorry mom.  I love you.

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I feel your pain, my mom passed away on her birthday in 2009.  You are being too tough on yourself. Unless your a professional health professional its nearly impossible to care of someone on a full time basis.

 

One small thing that has helped me is that I wear her favorite perfume, I feel that she's near.

Arlene

Diane:  Shortly after the death of my 95 years old mother (dec. 15, 2010), a friend, seeing the despair I was sufferig, offered a book she received after her mother's death.  It is written by Nancy Cobb and it named, "In Lieu of Flowers."  I offer a passage to you:  "After experiencing the death of someone you love, you join a rank-and-file whose number multiplies hourly.  Soon you learn, as other have before you, that perspective shifts erratically.  Weeks pass sowy.   You wonder why the world goes on as if nothing has happened.  You wonder if that bone-deep physical ache in the center of your chest will ever go away, or if you'll ever finish a paragraph, laugh with abandon, or look at family photographs without falling apart.  If your loved one died suddenly you will search your memory obsessively, going over and over the last exchange of words and the predominant feelings between you that day.  If you had plenty of time to say goodbye, you'll still wonder if you got it right.  Regret is grief's handmaiden.  Learning to focus on life, rather than the death, of a person you have loved and lost requires an enormous emotional effort.  You distract easily.  You teeter constantly.  ...Just when you think you're ambulatory, it will hit again.  The grief ambush can happen anywhere.  ...Grief is ongoing for all of us.  How we each deal with it, though, is another matter entirely."  The point here is, who among us does not have regrets?  No matter how thoroughly we research every decision, we will always wonder what would have been the outcome if we had chosen the path rejected.  She was 93.  Few people have such a long life.  Mother/daughter conflict is a force of nature and mothers expect to be taken for granted.  Their wish for us is to go live our lives the best we can.  Demonstrate the strength they taught us.  Get Nancy's book.  You will likely find comfort in its pages.  Good luck Diane and stop being so hard on yourself and just let the grief take its natural course.  Finally, Nancy wrote, "Our grief is the natural opening where the link betwen the living and the dead is forged, and once we are able to incorporate it into our hearts and souls, we understand that grief is an integral part of life.  The celebration of the dead-recalling memories, personality traits, and quirkly anecdotes that need to be heard and repeated-is not only key to sanity and survival, it keeps the essence of dear friends who once thrived among us.  Grieving is as natural as breathing, for if we have lived and loved, surely we will grieve.  We must grieve, in ourown separate ways, for as long as it takes, until that grief becomes a part of us, a grief that will end only with our own death, when the eternal cycle of mourning begins again."
Dear Diane, I understand about you being so hard on yourself, I am too about certain things as well. I have found myself wearing the perfume she bought me, and using the dishes her and dad gave me at my graduation. I put her picture on my desktop...yes, I say good morning and good night just hoping her spirit somehow hears me. We have to remember that we are not alone;however, I've been feeling the same way...alone and empty inside...I think it has to do with the closeness thing too.  Please lets stay in touch whether it's on here or personal e-mail. Take care and whatever you do don't give up!!!!!
The first two weeks after Mama passed, I walked past her bedroom door and turned on the light hoping to see her sleeping comfortably in her bed.  I must have done this 5 or 6 times every night.  I still do it but not daily so I guess it is finally sinking in that she isn't there.  I have a lot of guilt surrounding her death.  My Daddy died from cancer in 1992.  He lived three months after his diagnosis and his health declined daily until he finally exhaled his last breath.    That moment came in spite of what we did.  His mind remained alert until the final days with morphine put him it a constant state of "sleep."  Mama on the other hand had dementia for five years and she had parkinson's disease.  The PD is what robbed her of the ability to swallow.  She was choking on food for several weeks until the last extreme episode where she aspirated a beverage.  What a frightening sound!  After a few days in the hospital and several attempts to give her food and beverage without success, the hospital said a feeding tube was the only answer.  Mama had living will and told us she didn't want to ever be on a feeding tube.  The result was apparent.  We called in hospice and in 10 days, she was gone.  I feel with Daddy's death, it came naturally but with Mama we tipped the scale to bring about death.  I have a lot of guilt in that regard and constantly ask myself...did we do all that could be done?  Guilt and regret.  That is something I have to learn to accept and live with.
The first two weeks after Mama passed, I walked past her bedroom door and turned on the light hoping to see her sleeping comfortably in her bed.  I must have done this 5 or 6 times every night.  I still do it but not daily so I guess it is finally sinking in that she isn't there.  I have a lot of guilt surrounding her death.  My Daddy died from cancer in 1992.  He lived three months after his diagnosis and his health declined daily until he finally exhaled his last breath.    That moment came in spite of what we did.  His mind remained alert until the final days with morphine put him it a constant state of "sleep."  Mama on the other hand had dementia for five years and she had parkinson's disease.  The PD is what robbed her of the ability to swallow.  She was choking on food for several weeks until the last extreme episode where she aspirated a beverage.  What a frightening sound!  After a few days in the hospital and several attempts to give her food and beverage without success, the hospital said a feeding tube was the only answer.  Mama had living will and told us she didn't want to ever be on a feeding tube.  The result was apparent.  We called in hospice and in 10 days, she was gone.  I feel with Daddy's death, it came naturally but with Mama we tipped the scale to bring about death.  I have a lot of guilt in that regard and constantly ask myself...did we do all that could be done?  Guilt and regret.  That is something I have to learn to accept and live with.

Diane, I am so sorry about the passing of your Mom. The quote that s watson posted is so true, describes it perfectly. I know what you mean about some people thinking you should be yourself by the time the funeral is over, just not possible, some people just don't get it. The psychosis that you described does happen sometimes. I think that when someone is ill this can occur in certain circumstances. Please don't beat yourself up over your Mom needing to be in a nursing home. It sounds like you and your siblings did so much for her. My sister and brother and I lost our Mom Dec. 24th 2009. Our Dad is still with us. We are thankful for that. But it is still so difficult missing our Mom. Miss her terribly. She too was strong, generous, and good hearted. Please take the strengths that your Mom had and live your life that way. My sister Helena and I joined this group recently, and it does help to share emotions. Everyone in this group understands. Maybe you should consider grief counceling, something my sister and I have talked about. Take each day one day at a time. It is O.K. to take the time you need to go through this. You can't go at the pace someone else thinks you should, and other people need to know that. Let them know that as well. Wear a piece of jewelry she had, or get yourself something that reminds you of her, some kind of connection, this is somewhat of a comfort.

 

Keep writing to the group, and take care of yourself.

Suzanne

Diane, I am so sorry about the passing of your Mom. The quote that s watson posted is so true, describes it perfectly. I know what you mean about some people thinking you should be yourself by the time the funeral is over, just not possible, some people just don't get it. The psychosis that you described does happen sometimes. I think that when someone is ill this can occur in certain circumstances. Please don't beat yourself up over your Mom needing to be in a nursing home. It sounds like you and your siblings did so much for her. My sister and brother and I lost our Mom Dec. 24th 2009. Our Dad is still with us. We are thankful for that. But it is still so difficult missing our Mom. Miss her terribly. She too was strong, generous, and good hearted. Please take the strengths that your Mom had and live your life that way. My sister Helena and I joined this group recently, and it does help to share emotions. Everyone in this group understands. Maybe you should consider grief counceling, something my sister and I have talked about. Take each day one day at a time. It is O.K. to take the time you need to go through this. You can't go at the pace someone else thinks you should, and other people need to know that. Let them know that as well. Wear a piece of jewelry she had, or get yourself something that reminds you of her, some kind of connection, this is somewhat of a comfort.

 

Keep writing to the group, and take care of yourself.

Suzanne

Thank you for helping me to feel more at ease.  I am consumed with memories of my mom.  Sometimes I feel like I will explode, and it seems that there is no one to share this with.  I'm glad to know others go through the feelings.

Arlene Cook said:

 

I feel your pain, my mom passed away on her birthday in 2009.  You are being too tough on yourself. Unless your a professional health professional its nearly impossible to care of someone on a full time basis.

 

One small thing that has helped me is that I wear her favorite perfume, I feel that she's near.

Arlene



Arlene Cook said:

 

I feel your pain, my mom passed away on her birthday in 2009.  You are being too tough on yourself. Unless your a professional health professional its nearly impossible to care of someone on a full time basis.

 

One small thing that has helped me is that I wear her favorite perfume, I feel that she's near.

Arlene



Suzanne said:

Diane, I am so sorry about the passing of your Mom. The quote that s watson posted is so true, describes it perfectly. I know what you mean about some people thinking you should be yourself by the time the funeral is over, just not possible, some people just don't get it. The psychosis that you described does happen sometimes. I think that when someone is ill this can occur in certain circumstances. Please don't beat yourself up over your Mom needing to be in a nursing home. It sounds like you and your siblings did so much for her. My sister and brother and I lost our Mom Dec. 24th 2009. Our Dad is still with us. We are thankful for that. But it is still so difficult missing our Mom. Miss her terribly. She too was strong, generous, and good hearted. Please take the strengths that your Mom had and live your life that way. My sister Helena and I joined this group recently, and it does help to share emotions. Everyone in this group understands. Maybe you should consider grief counceling, something my sister and I have talked about. Take each day one day at a time. It is O.K. to take the time you need to go through this. You can't go at the pace someone else thinks you should, and other people need to know that. Let them know that as well. Wear a piece of jewelry she had, or get yourself something that reminds you of her, some kind of connection, this is somewhat of a comfort.

 

Keep writing to the group, and take care of yourself.

Suzanne



Suzanne said:

Diane, I am so sorry about the passing of your Mom. The quote that s watson posted is so true, describes it perfectly. I know what you mean about some people thinking you should be yourself by the time the funeral is over, just not possible, some people just don't get it. The psychosis that you described does happen sometimes. I think that when someone is ill this can occur in certain circumstances. Please don't beat yourself up over your Mom needing to be in a nursing home. It sounds like you and your siblings did so much for her. My sister and brother and I lost our Mom Dec. 24th 2009. Our Dad is still with us. We are thankful for that. But it is still so difficult missing our Mom. Miss her terribly. She too was strong, generous, and good hearted. Please take the strengths that your Mom had and live your life that way. My sister Helena and I joined this group recently, and it does help to share emotions. Everyone in this group understands. Maybe you should consider grief counceling, something my sister and I have talked about. Take each day one day at a time. It is O.K. to take the time you need to go through this. You can't go at the pace someone else thinks you should, and other people need to know that. Let them know that as well. Wear a piece of jewelry she had, or get yourself something that reminds you of her, some kind of connection, this is somewhat of a comfort.

 

Keep writing to the group, and take care of yourself.

Suzanne



Diane Gordon said:  Thanks so much for sharing.  I joined this group so that I could find others who are going through the same loss as myself.  It seems no one else understands.  I hope sharing our stories will find some consolation for another suffering son or daughter who has lost their dear mother.


Suzanne said:

Diane, I am so sorry about the passing of your Mom. The quote that s watson posted is so true, describes it perfectly. I know what you mean about some people thinking you should be yourself by the time the funeral is over, just not possible, some people just don't get it. The psychosis that you described does happen sometimes. I think that when someone is ill this can occur in certain circumstances. Please don't beat yourself up over your Mom needing to be in a nursing home. It sounds like you and your siblings did so much for her. My sister and brother and I lost our Mom Dec. 24th 2009. Our Dad is still with us. We are thankful for that. But it is still so difficult missing our Mom. Miss her terribly. She too was strong, generous, and good hearted. Please take the strengths that your Mom had and live your life that way. My sister Helena and I joined this group recently, and it does help to share emotions. Everyone in this group understands. Maybe you should consider grief counceling, something my sister and I have talked about. Take each day one day at a time. It is O.K. to take the time you need to go through this. You can't go at the pace someone else thinks you should, and other people need to know that. Let them know that as well. Wear a piece of jewelry she had, or get yourself something that reminds you of her, some kind of connection, this is somewhat of a comfort.

 

Keep writing to the group, and take care of yourself.

Suzanne

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