My mom passed away January 8, 2011.  She was 93 years old.  My heart is broken and I feel that my life will never be the same.  There is very little support available for grieving. People just think you should be your old self by the time the funeral is over.  I carry much guilt and regret over my mom's death.  I took her for granted.  I thought she would always be there, because she always was.  When she became too much of a burden for myself and my siblings, we put her in a nursing home.  That very night her dementia escalated and she literally lost her mind.  I never saw or heard of anything like that.  She had dementia with psychosis.  She suffered and screamed out in a hospital for a month, and then in a nursing home for twelve days before God finally ended her journey.  My mom was a beautiful and incredibly strong woman.  When she left us, a piece of my heart went with her.  I feel so alone and empty inside.  No one can understand the pain I am feeling unless you have also suffered the devastating loss of a mom.  I pray that God will forgive me for not being a better daughter.  She would have done anything for us, but I feel that we turned our backs on her when she needed us most.  I'm sorry mom.  I love you.

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Amy, isn't it wonderful that as Christians we do not have to be "perfect?"  Christ gave his life so we could face our human weaknesses, ask forgiveness and get a second chance.  I'm not sure there are any among us who have lost parents that don't have some regret.  I didn't have a happy childhood.  My mother was short tempered and was verbally abusive.  She wasn't overly physical with her corrections (occasional spanking or switching) but she wasn't physical with her love either.  She didn't hug, embrace or kiss me.  When she was frustrated with me, she would call me names and I carried that hurt all my life.  When we ran out of money, I brought her from the nursing home to live with me and in the beginning saw it as my opportunity to "get even."  I said things to her that I should have continued to keep to myself but I had carried that pain so long, it just came out of me and I couldn't stop it.  She had dementia and didn't even know me and I don't know how much of it she understood but I got it off my chest anyway.  In her final days, I held her and whispered in her ear that I was so truly sorry for being less than loving and kind and I forgave her for the hurt she caused me.  I'm thankful for that time and opportunity to open up and say the things we each harbored all our lives.  I know God will forgive me and I'd like to think she did as well. 

Amy Fitts said:

Diane,
I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my Mother September 27, 2009 and I am still grieving. She was almost 76 and I was 49 1/2. I know that I took her for granted and allowed myself to show my "worst side" towards her that I couldn't and didn't show to others. She didn't like it but she still loved me. I have horrible guilt for all of this and other things that I feel I should have done for her, like cook for her more. She was sick for 2 months and in the end was in horrible pain due to swelling and other illnesses. I had to make the decision to let her have morphine all night instead of intubating her as that would have been very painful and would have only prolonged her suffering. I am not married and have no children and I feel very alone most of the time even though I have some relatives in town and my brother, sister in law and niece are 3 hours away. I tell you all of this to let you know that I believe you did so much for your Mother. You had to put her in a nursing home as you could not care for her anymore and that is okay; I know you feel guilt about this but I believe you did what you had to do. I know that I sinned against God and my Mother so much and for that I am eternally sorry. I have not been able to talk to others about this because of the shame associated with it. I am not saying you did this I am just saying what I did and how I feel. I am trying to forgive myself and have cried out to God and my Mother so much and yes, I hate myself for my sin. The one thing I hold on to is the fact that she told me "I was a good daughter" during her illness. Whether or not she told you this she believed it I am sure and I want you to believe it. We are all human and Satan attacks us when we are at our weakest and many times we take out our frustrations on those we love the most. I know you are empty and devasted and in no way do I feel you can be back to your "old self" again soon if ever. It will be a different self. I have attended a grief group called, GriefShare. You can find it online and there should be groups in your area. Also, I would suggest you get some counseling as I have not yet due to money issues but I need to. God will forgive you as He will forgive me. Do not let Satan tell you lies. Become involved with a group of Christians when you can. Know that you did not turn your back on her. I am sorry her death was so difficult for her, you and your family. She is at peace now and loves you from Heaven. In Christ, Amy

DIANE~YOU ARE HEART OF HER HEART~ SOUL OF HER SOUL!  HER STRENGTH PREVAILS...

IF SHE COULD SHE WOULD SAY YO YOU: I MUST LEAVE YOU, DO NOT GRIEVE,FOR MY SAKE...

 LIVE ON AND DO ALL THINGS THE SAME AND  IN TURN... I WILL COMFORT YOU AND HOLD YOU NEAR...

MOTHERS NEVER REALLY DIE THEY JUST KEEP HOUSE UP IN THE SKY...IN HIS LOVING HOME...

MY MOTHER PASSED MAY 8TH 2010 82YRS...SHE SAID I'M GOING HOME!

Thank you for your kind words.  Knowing that I will be with her when my journey on earth is over is what I hold on to. I am trying to renew my faith in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour.  I carry tremendous guilt over the events that led to her death, but I am seeking help so I can try to forgive myself.  I know my mom already did forgive me.

Leo said:

Diane,

 

     I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure that if you could have given your life up for her you would have. Though I have not had the privilege of meeting your mom, one thing is certain – we all want to se our loved ones again. May the hope of a resurrection in a peaceful new world here on Earth comfort you during this difficult moment in your life (John 5: 28, 28; Psalm 37:10,11). If you draw close to God NOW, you will be able to be with your mother forever and draw close to one another for all eternity.

 

Leo

Cindy, I also am so sorry for your loss.  I hope our sweet angel mothers get to know each other in God's eternity.  I will hold on to your words, and try to seek comfort in them. 

Cindy Scull said:

DIANE~YOU ARE HEART OF HER HEART~ SOUL OF HER SOUL!  HER STRENGTH PREVAILS...

IF SHE COULD SHE WOULD SAY YO YOU: I MUST LEAVE YOU, DO NOT GRIEVE,FOR MY SAKE...

 LIVE ON AND DO ALL THINGS THE SAME AND  IN TURN... I WILL COMFORT YOU AND HOLD YOU NEAR...

MOTHERS NEVER REALLY DIE THEY JUST KEEP HOUSE UP IN THE SKY...IN HIS LOVING HOME...

MY MOTHER PASSED MAY 8TH 2010 82YRS...SHE SAID I'M GOING HOME!



Diane Gordon said:
Cindy, I also am so sorry for your loss.  I hope our sweet angel mothers get to know each other in God's eternity.  I will hold on to your words, and try to seek comfort in them. 

Cindy Scull said:

DIANE~YOU ARE HEART OF HER HEART~ SOUL OF HER SOUL!  HER STRENGTH PREVAILS...

IF SHE COULD SHE WOULD SAY YO YOU: I MUST LEAVE YOU, DO NOT GRIEVE,FOR MY SAKE...

 LIVE ON AND DO ALL THINGS THE SAME AND  IN TURN... I WILL COMFORT YOU AND HOLD YOU NEAR...

MOTHERS NEVER REALLY DIE THEY JUST KEEP HOUSE UP IN THE SKY...IN HIS LOVING HOME...

MY MOTHER PASSED MAY 8TH 2010 82YRS...SHE SAID I'M GOING HOME!

I have lost both of my parents. When their soul goes to heaven, all of the pain and suffering on earth is gone. My father lost his leg...I know he has it now in heaven as I saw he and my mother dancing in a dream. You did not turn your back on your mom. You were there for her to the end. I know your pain but remember, we all meet again. God Bless you.
I also speak to my parents as if they are here. I believe that their love never dies and it always surrounds us. Sometimes

Diane Gordon said:


DeeAnne Hedrick said:
Dear Diane, I understand about you being so hard on yourself, I am too about certain things as well. I have found myself wearing the perfume she bought me, and using the dishes her and dad gave me at my graduation. I put her picture on my desktop...yes, I say good morning and good night just hoping her spirit somehow hears me. We have to remember that we are not alone;however, I've been feeling the same way...alone and empty inside...I think it has to do with the closeness thing too.  Please lets stay in touch whether it's on here or personal e-mail. Take care and whatever you do don't give up!!!!!
Oh  sweetie please dont beat yourself up! I have been doing the same thing coulda, woulda, shoulda but the fact is we all have lives and it is really hard. My mom wanted to die at home and she was put on hospice last March. I rarely went to see her as much as I should have. I took care of her the first 2 years she was sick and I have 3 real sisters and when my mom moved back in with my stepdad I had no way to get there as often as I wanted. I was there the week she died and I realized that by not going daily before that I was thinking if I didnt o it wasnt real. I also couldnt handle seeeing her deteriorate it was heartbreaking. My point is you cant change the past. Im sure you did what was best for your sanity at the time and look how many years you got with her! At the end, she prob didnt even recognize you! My momwas 55 and I also feel like my heart is broken. People think you should be done grieving, you are right, but I am just beginning. At first the death is a shock then when it becomes real  its awful! All you can do now is be  thankful that you had as long as you did and that you did all you could do. You hav to live in the present! I feel your pain, I am dying inside!
I do like to read.  I have already read two wonderful books on the death of a parent, and I am currently reading The Shack.  Please let me know anything you can recommend.  Thanks so much.

Leo said:
It is my pleasure to help you with what I can. Hey, do you mind if I ask you if you like to read? I read an excellent magaizne which I would love to recommend. Hope to hear from you soon!

Diane Gordon said:
Thank you for your kind words.  Knowing that I will be with her when my journey on earth is over is what I hold on to. I am trying to renew my faith in Jesus Christ as my Lord and Saviour.  I carry tremendous guilt over the events that led to her death, but I am seeking help so I can try to forgive myself.  I know my mom already did forgive me.

Leo said:

Diane,

 

     I am so sorry for your loss. I am sure that if you could have given your life up for her you would have. Though I have not had the privilege of meeting your mom, one thing is certain – we all want to se our loved ones again. May the hope of a resurrection in a peaceful new world here on Earth comfort you during this difficult moment in your life (John 5: 28, 28; Psalm 37:10,11). If you draw close to God NOW, you will be able to be with your mother forever and draw close to one another for all eternity.

 

Leo

Yes, I know what you are saying.  I feel like there is a void inside me that will always be there.  Losing someone you love is a piercing pain.  There is always a piece missing no matter what you do.  I feel no happiness at anything.  There is just emptiness and loss.  Yes, I am so thankful that I was lucky enough to have her for almost 94 years, and I could have accepted her death more easily if she had just died in her sleep.  But she literally lost her mind, and I feel responsible since I along with my siblings decided to put her in a nursing home.  That is the one place she never wanted to go.  I can never forgive myself, but I know she already has.  My mom was beautiful inside and out and I will forever honor her memory.

Shannon said:
Oh  sweetie please dont beat yourself up! I have been doing the same thing coulda, woulda, shoulda but the fact is we all have lives and it is really hard. My mom wanted to die at home and she was put on hospice last March. I rarely went to see her as much as I should have. I took care of her the first 2 years she was sick and I have 3 real sisters and when my mom moved back in with my stepdad I had no way to get there as often as I wanted. I was there the week she died and I realized that by not going daily before that I was thinking if I didnt o it wasnt real. I also couldnt handle seeeing her deteriorate it was heartbreaking. My point is you cant change the past. Im sure you did what was best for your sanity at the time and look how many years you got with her! At the end, she prob didnt even recognize you! My momwas 55 and I also feel like my heart is broken. People think you should be done grieving, you are right, but I am just beginning. At first the death is a shock then when it becomes real  its awful! All you can do now is be  thankful that you had as long as you did and that you did all you could do. You hav to live in the present! I feel your pain, I am dying inside!

just lost my mom. she was 77 i'm 47 and i so wish it was me who died...i thought i would have strenght /courage to do it ...but i'm just afraid. wish i was gone as i knelt and wept on her grave yesterday.

o yes i have friends ....but they can only listen. i'm on meds and they hardly help...i miss her so very very much....god ...it might ofend some...buy my god is blind and deaf

 

sorry this is not really reply but my reflection

I lost my mom to breast cancer in December, 2004. She was one of my main support people. I would go to the phone to call her for 3-4 yrs. after she passed. Guilt and regret are very common feelings. I should have been present in her death, but was raising my 7 year old daughter and experiencing a horrible divorce as well as medical problems all at the same time. I could not have just left my daughter at such a young age but at the same time my mother needed me. So I have many regrets about this, I sought help from a grief and loss group that was very helpful after the immediate loss

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