It's been almost six months since the passing of my mother from Ovarian Cancer and yet I can't seem to get myself to go out with my friends.  I know I'm isolating myself but I don't have the energy to pick myself up and see anybody.  I'm afraid that I'm just not going to be happy and don't want to bring down my friends.  I am on anti anxiety medication and speaking to a therapist, but I'm still unhappy.  I spoke to my father today and he says its time to move on with my life and how my mother wouldn't want me to sit at home and wallow, but that's easier said that done.  He is already dating and he doesn't seem unhappy even though he lost his life partner of 45 years. 

 

Why is this so hard for me?  Here I am 40 years old and single and yet I don't want to go out and meet anyone new or socialize with my friends.  They're starting to worry about me and I'm starting to worry about me. 

 

I started journaling and trying new hobbies like needlepointing to try to get my mind off of my Mom, but I dream about her every night and think about her all the time and every time I think about her, I start to tear up!  I think the problem is that her death was so quick and took all of us by surprise.  I didn't even get to say Goodbye to her.  She was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer in December of 2009 and by May of 2010 she was gone.  She was in the hospital after her third chemo and I said "See you tomorrow Mom, I love you" and that night, she turned blue and never regained consciousness!  I believe that not having the closure I needed is keeping me from moving on!

 

This is all new to me as I have never been this depressed before so any advice would be appreciated!

 

Thanks!

 

Ilana

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Replies to This Discussion

rrr
Hi Ilana, I can relate very much about how you feel. I lost my father on April 8, 2009 and I have also been very depressed about losing him. I was his full time care giver 24/7 and never took a break. My father had colon cancer, stroke, amputated leg, feeding tube and more and I dedicated my life to his full time care. My mother also tells me to move on with my life and I know she is right but it is very hard to do. Everything came to a sudden stop the moment my father passed and it seemed like my whole purpose in life was over. I know that my father would want me to celebrate his life and carry on with joy but I have a very hard time with that right now. I was very close with my father, he was my best friend and more. I try to stay strong for my 84 year old mother who is doing okay but I do break down and cry often. What I believe helps is talking to a friend that experienced the loss of their parent and has been down this road already. Ilana, maybe if we write or talk to each other we could both get through this very difficult time.
Thanks for replying Kari! I would love to chat with you!
Hi Ilana,
Please know there is NOTHING wrong with you and grief must take its course. The "not having closure" feeling is normal. No matter what conversations you had with her...you would NEVER feel like you had closure.

I recommend 2 things....one, a book called "How to Survive the Loss of Parent: A Guide for Adults" by Lois Akner. two, talk with someone who has been there. People think they know what to say, but unless they've been there...THEY DON'T. If no one is available, by all means...call me! My email is SCHAMPL578@aol.com and I'd be happy to email you my number.

My dad was diagnosed with cancer in January. I actually moved in with him and helped him til the end...when I witnessed the most brutal suffering one could ever imagine. Add to that the guilt my siblings probably felt...and I say that due to their actions. We were never a close, close family, but I never thought there would be so much anger and fighting due to dad's death. The grief of losing him is bad enough...then add that stuff...yuck!

So, I'm in a good place. Yes, I cry a lot and YES I miss him. I just went to a weekend workshop called "Soul Survival" with Dr's Brian Weiss and Raymond Moody and more. I've been on a path of "what lies beyond" even before Dad died. I started writing a book on the subject (the cutting edge scientific evidence) and read it to my dad before he died. I promised I'd get it out in the world. Now is the time. There is too much pain from grieving and I'm definitely out to help others. Next week in San Diego, I'm going to a "grief coaching" workshop.

So, I don't know what I'm going to learn, but I'd be glad to stay in touch. Please feel free to email me if you want to talk. I know I'm a stranger, but I've been there...it sucks and hurts really bad. But there is nothing wrong with you, its just a part of grief.

All the best,
Sandra Champlain
Hi Ilana, I would love to chat with you also. My email is avon.maxx@gmail.com
I would be happy to exchange numbers so we could chat!
Looking forward!
Kari
I believe people who are telling us to "move on" are being rather selfish. They want us to be the person we were before our loss (impossible), to pretend everything is fine so THEY will be more comfortable, or to provide them the level of attention they are used to receiving.

Prodding someone to move on after the devastating death of a loved one is not only insensitive; it is also counterproductive. There are no shortcuts through grief, and giving someone the support and patience to wade through the pain is actually the most loving thing to do.

What you are experiencing is all too familiar to those of us who come to this site. Try to be kind and patient with YOURSELF as you work through these difficult first months. Sandra is right about closure...I don't beleve we would ever feel like we had the ending we needed when someone we love dies. I have read the book she recommends...it is very good.

My mom has been gone for 8 months, and I miss her more than ever. The journey of grief is a solitary one. I had to realize that no one (dad, sisters, brother, friends, children, husband)is going to experience it in the same way I am, and that is okay.

Try to give yourself the love your mother would if she were here. Be true to your heart and your process. Let us know how you are doing....
All I can say is-- if they are your real friends they would understand your grief and the grieving process! Everyone has a different process and timetable for grieving and people should understand this.

I do indeed do not know how I am going to get through the "Holidays"? Everyone will be celebrating and I will probably feel like going into a corner. I have to try tell myself my Mom would want me to have fun and enjoy Holidays and special occasions. I know easier said than done. I will have see how it goes!

Good luck Ilana!

Frank.
I am in the same boat as you-My mom passed away suddenly- i didnt get to say goodbye to her either- I was at my parents house everyday- but that day i did not go- and i only spoke to her once on the phone- i have to live with that the rest of my life- i do not know how to move on- my friends as well try to get ahold of me- i do not return calls - i just cant go out - and none of my friends have ever lost a parent so they do not know what i am going though- mom died in june of this year- christmas was "our" holiday - we shopped baked decorated- everything- and i do not know what i am going to do the next 2 months- so i can totally relate- my life has never been turned upset down this bad-i feel like i am on a tightrope with no one to help me- whereas she held my hand through every event in my life- i feel as if i cannot go on- so i totally understand what ur going though-
I appreciate all of the replies! I was able to get an adjustment in my anti anxiety medication, which is helping and I cancelled further sessions with my current therapist (because he doesn't deal with grief and is telling me the same thing over and over about how I need to move on and not dwell on the past). I made an appointment with a woman grief counselor as I relate better to women than men. Hopefully this will help. My brother and father don't want to celebrate Thanksgiving this year. They feel without mom, its not Thanksgiving. My friend invited me to her meal with her family so I won't be alone.

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