Parents are supposed to die b/4 us but not until we're older. I would gladly change places with my daughter Candace who passed away 4/09/10. I can't get over that either! Be strong, we will be reunited! I know there's a God and he took Candace Home, for what I don't know. I just need to keep the faith. Lord please give Jason reassurance that his Dad is watching over him and live his life so his Dad is proud of him. You can do it Jason, stay strong!
I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Losing a parent as an adult is painful, as a child I can only imagine. It sounds that for whatever reason, were not able to fully greive the loss of your dad when it happened and you found a way to cope. Now that you are a teenager, all of the that unresoled grief is still there and making itself very apparent. The funny thing about grief is that it can come out at unexpected times and in unexpected ways. The anger that you are feeling at the hospital and doctors is also part of the process. We all want to hold someone accountable for the death of our loved one, whether it is justified or not (I'm not suggesting that the hospital is at fault or not at fault, I don't know). Your feelings are are all a part of the grieving process. We all need help to go through this process and I suggest that you tell someone what you are feeling, whether your family, a counselor at school or some other adult so you can find someone to talk to about this. It is NOT a sign of weakness to seek help, but an indication of courage and strength to reach out to others. Please do so. You are always welcome here, but I hope that you find someone where you live to talk about this. My county has free grief counseling services. We don't "get over" losing someone (although society would like us all to think that). We learn to live without them. It sounds like your feelings are very intense and overwhelming. Best to you
No doubt as you mature you are coming to some stark realizations about your dad and what happened to him. With these realizations come all the feelings you describe: anger, confusion, helplessness, and feeling betrayed by what you grew up without. Your feelings are perfectly normal. They are wild, baffling feelings that you don't quite know how to handle for now. As you learn ways to cope, you will get better at it though. But you can't do it alone! You need the help of others to lead you along the way.
It may surprise you to know that even though I am 41 years old, I feel the same things as you do after I learned my father passed away in May. You see, I didn't grow up with him, he left my mother and I when I was a baby. He gave me scattered attempts at knowing me while I was growing up but it never was enough. As a result I became an intensely angry, resentful, and most distrustful young adult and did a lot of things to damage my own life in retaliation. The feelings of anger, abandonment and confusion were always there before, but after his death, it all came back to me again after years of battling my own thinking plus more. Now: I learned, and continue to learn to deal with the problems in my mind differently since with his death comes the knowledge that I can't repair any of it ever again, nor can he.
Please reach out to people close to you who care about you, and unload these feelings. If you find it difficult to turn to family members, then reach out to others: any pastor, counselor, other people who have been through similar experiences. They will be most sympathetic and willing to help in any way they can. I don't want to see you damaging yourself like I did. Only strong, intelligent people like you are brave enough to ask for help. I consider you to be lucky to be making the journey earlier in your life, rather than when you are older and finding that you have wasted a lot of time allowing yourself to miss out on the good things in life like me. If you work on it now, you will be ready to face the world as the strong man that God wants you to be as you grow older. Then when you are older, you will have enough wisdom to help that next person through the same thing as you went through. Beth is correct, we don't "get over" anybody's death, but we learn to cope and go on, becoming strong individuals as we go.
So take care of yourself. You have a wealth of support out there, one place is here. Be of strong courage: you will be greatly rewarded in the end even though you will always feel the sting. I pray for you during this difficult time: I know you will be a survivor!
Jason, you are a strong guy, I can tell from your writing. I was only 11 months old when my father died, and much older when my mother went. That made me sad, as she had always been my strength and my best friend. By then I had a wife and two daughters. Many years later I was 'discovered' by Bernie who, as my daughter said, adopted me. He had just lost his real dad, and needed me. That was twenty-one years ago, and he died last year September. He and his two dogs lived with me.
NOTHING prepared me for this. He was mis-diagnosed for three months at the first hospital, and like you, I want to kill those stupid doctors. After the last trip there, that night he said, 'Take me to the other hospital you were telling me about'. Within ten days they found out what was really wrong, but it was too late. They gave him six months to live, and he barely made three. Next Monday will make fifteen months since the night he died, and I have lost a bright light in my life. He was such a sweet, kind guy.
My mother always said, 'Only the good die young.' It is so true. Those people are so good that God forgives them the long, hard road that we have to travel. So we should be happy for them, and try to hide our sorrow. When we are sad, they say it makes them sad too. Live to make your dad happy, and proud of you. One day we shall all be together again, and for much longer: Eternity! Be a strong guy, and please let me hear from you.