My father died April 4th 2012 in a work accident where he was electrocuted. He and my mother live in Massachusetts and I was living in Nevada. My Husband is in the military so Since we've been married we just keep moving further away from " home" and family. This was the worst death I experienced since I moved from home. My dog died one week after I left MA. My grandmother died within the same year after she chose not to have treatment for her cancer. So her death was expected at least to a point. Still painful but she was in her late 80's and was ready to go as she told us.
My husband is the one who told me about my father. My mother and sister were unable to get ahold of me but reached him at work.
He came right home to be with me and tell me. By the time that happened my sister and mother were at the hospital and been given the news.
I have been having such confusing feelings of jealousy. One, that my mother and sister were able to be at the hospital and see dad with tubes and wires, and also badly bruised they described. Why am I jealous of that? I can only think it is because it was one more thing I missed by not being home.
My other jealousy feeling I'm having is that my dad died suddenly. So i am jealous of those whose dads died of known sickness. They had time with their fathers that I will never get.
Every other emotion Im having makes sense to me except this.

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Elizabeth, Don't beat yourself up over feeling jealous. It perfectly naturally to wish you had been there, to wish that you had said your final goodbyes no matter what state your father was in. You feel deprived of the closure that your mom and sister has. All of us that has lost a parent battle feelings of jealousy when we are out places and see people with their elderly parents. Its all normal feelings that we have to learn how to manage. I lost my mom July 17, 2012 to a heart attack.  She eat right and she walked 2-4 miles everyday. My mom was going to be a great grandmother and she was so excited.  I get so angry at the world because I know she wasn't ready to go. I have to keep telling myself that God has a plan and I just don't understand what that plan is but I have to believe that it was in his plan to take her now. Instead of dwelling on what happened to your father and in the moments and hours after, maybe try to focus your energy on the time you have left with you mom and your sister. Your mom probably needs you now more than ever and even though you may be hundreds of miles from her still make time to talk to her everyday. Write her letters. Even just a I miss you mom would bring such a smile to her face. Try to make some plans to go home for awhile if your able. Just don't beat yourself up over all the what if's. Your father would not have wanted you to suffer in anyway, form or fashion. I write letters to my mom telling her I wish I had been there and what I would have changed. It seems to help me not feel so jealous or angry at the rest of the world. Maybe you could try writing letters to your father and just tell him what ever is on your mind. Tell him you are jealous and why. It may just help you. I will say a prayer for you today.  Take care of yourself.

this emotion is a common one, even though most people dont think so. I was kept from my dad by my sister and mother for 18 months while he was sick due to the fact i put my disabled adult daughter in a group home and they didnt like my dad thought it was a great idea and she has made huge milestones, I found out last halloween night at 5:45pm that my dad was going to die, He had advanced prostate cancer and each time he went into the hospital I was never told my daughter told me, so to get this phone call from my mother who wasnt talking to me and still isnt was a shock, he went in that morning at 10am with what turned out to be flesh eating, I didnt get time with my dad i had the 3 days before he died he passed on Nov 3,2011 but because of all the problems my daughter caused and i still love her I lost 5 years of not seeing my dad that she got to so at times there is that jeaously  there as i didnt get it and was made to feel like an outsider even that night, they have tried to have me arrested on false charges i dont talk to them, i got nothing of him except my tattoos as he was cremated and brought home, he was a veteran, no funeral, been told that she only has one daughter, regretted telling me that night, and that he didnt care if i was there or not, and yes weather they die of an illness or your sudden loss where mine was too even though he was sick i never thought my fathers death would be because he was being eaten by this bacteria, I live in RI but am also married but with a controlling sister so i couldnt do anything to see him, it will be normal to be jealous at his job, doctors etc, I have regrets as i dont even know if he loved me or not as they threw that at me after he died. I am here if you want to talk

I think it was God's way of saving you from remebering your father in the condition he was in before he passed. Only the body dies. The soul, essence of your father is still here. My only child, Candace, died 2 months after she turned 30. Her spirit came to me the day b/4 her funeral. She TOUCHED me! I felt her rubbing my arms up and down twice! I KNOW there's an afterlife! I can 't wait to be with her again! Candace died April 9, 2010. She had a husband and 3 small girls all under 10 yrs old. In 2008 I had a room-mate. I rented a room from my girlfriends step-dad. He was very despondent after loosing his wife to brain Cancer. I visited him in the hospitol b/4 he passed. I thought he might be delirious because he was looking up towards the ceiling and talking to old friends. I think they came to ease his transition to the other side.  A couple days after he passed our smoke alarm went off. Thing is, WE TOOK THE BATTERIES OUT because it went off every time we cooked. In the hospitol he told me, if he could, he would let me know life DOES continue after the physical body dies.  And he DID show me! The real proof was when Candace came to me! I thought the smoke alarm was a fluke at first, but not after Candace came to me! God has a plan for all of us. Keep the faith! Candace passed April 9, 2010. I love you Boog!



Dearest Elizabeth:

You and I have had some eerie similarities this year.

My father passed away, quite shockingly to me on May 15, 2012 of lung cancer at the age of 66.  The reason it was shocking is that no one in that side of "family" even informed me he had been ill.  My father was one of those no-dads over the course of my life:  I grew up with my mother, he had run off, he showed up from time to time but those were just some frail futile attempts on his end maybe to be involved in my life.  Never worked out.  Every time something, or someone got in the way, he ran off.  So basically he spent my entire life running from me.  I struggle with the pain every day at the loss of what could have been, even more so than I always had before in my existence; before there was always that little glimmer of hope as long as he lived, now that he is gone, the possibilities are gone too.  Growing up I used to be very jealous of others who had good relationships with their fathers.  By now I have come to terms with it more and I am able to be glad for them:  in fact I encourage them to be thankful for what they have.  The experience has made me cherish the mother I have all the more too.

My dear grandmother died at 91 on July 8, 2012.  Some would think it may not be as painful to lose someone that is so old, naturally we knew it was coming, she suffered from esophagal cancer, was experiencing signs of Alzheimer's as she got older, but I grieve deeply over her...that woman was stellar in my life, serving as the second mother in my life as I grew, and it's hard to deal with the fact that we no longer have her with us.  My comfort there is that I know when it's my time, she will be one of them there to welcome me with her open, loving arms.

I feel your pain very deeply, Elizabeth.  My suggestion to you is to try not to blame yourself for anything, you have done nothing wrong, you are perfectly human to have the feelings you have.  Seek comfort from others who can lead you in the right direction.  Talk to others who will give you an ear, don't bottle it up inside.  If need be, a few sessions with a therapist never killed anybody.  Make sure you take care of your basic needs (food, rest, fresh air, etc) and think of yourself as recuperating from an illness.  And always remember that you are never alone, we out here understand, we are trying to get through our grief with you, we can comfort each other.

Be blessed--Tammy

Thank you everyone who responded. This site has really helped me get thru this.


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