Finally found a place where I can share my grief with someone. On January 11, 2011 I lost my dad to a massive heart attack at the age of 65. He was so young and full of life still. He went out that morning to shovel the snow from the driveway and came back in the house short of breath and had chest pains. We called the ambulance to come get him and within an hour he was gone. They tried to revive him for over an hour, but were unable to bring him back.

 

When I first heard the news that he had coded at the hospital, I was in denial. I believed that he would be okay...that they would bring him back. I screamed and cried when my mother came home and told me that he was gone. The first few days after his death, I felt so numb and angry. I feel partly to blame because I did not tell him to not shovel the driveway. My father was very stubborn though and felt that he needed to do things for himself. Even though I know that he would not have listened to me, I feel partly to blame for his death. I never thought that he could die, I just couldn't fathom life without him in it.

 

But here I am, being swallowed by grief. I go back and forth crying and trying understand that he is not coming home. Sometimes I think that he is only gone to a friends house and will be coming home at any minute, but I am brought back to reality when the emptiness sets in. I just want him home, I want to see him again...touch him, tell him how much I love him. I am struggling to understand why he was taken from me. There is just so much anger, sadness and loneliness inside of me. Does it ever get better? I feel like I can barely function, and the days go on without me. 

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Angela, my heart aches for you.  Sixty five is too young to leave this earth.  We can't understand why things happen as they do.  My Mama and Daddy lived to be very old (Daddy died in 1992 at 80 and Mama passed away on Dec. 15, 2010 at 95).  Daddy was still able to garden and do the things he loved until cancer took him away from us.  We were lucky to have the opportunity to say good bye and let him leave with all of those he loved around him.  Mama, had dementia and was gone long before life left her.  We still could hold her, say our good byes, forgive and ask forgiveness as she left this life.  Your Dad was taken suddenly and at a much younger age.  I know it feels unfair to him and to yourself.  You can't ask why but you can be thankful for the time you had and for the love you shared.  It doesn't get better but you become better able to find a place in your heart where you can share them with God.  Allow yorself to grieve and cry.  That is all a part of  healing.   
Angela, my heart aches for you.  Sixty five is too young to leave this earth.  We can't understand why things happen as they do.  My Mama and Daddy lived to be very old (Daddy died in 1992 at 80 and Mama passed away on Dec. 15, 2010 at 95).  Daddy was still able to garden and do the things he loved until cancer took him away from us.  We were lucky to have the opportunity to say good bye and let him leave with all of those he loved around him.  Mama, had dementia and was gone long before life left her.  We still could hold her, say our good byes, forgive and ask forgiveness as she left this life.  Your Dad was taken suddenly and at a much younger age.  I know it feels unfair to him and to yourself.  You can't ask why but you can be thankful for the time you had and for the love you shared.  It doesn't get better but you become better able to find a place in your heart where you can share them with God.  Allow yorself to grieve and cry.  That is all a part of  healing.   

Thank you for your support. I'm terribly sorry to hear about the loss of your precious mama. Dementia is a horrible thief and takes our loved ones long before they are gone. I miss my dad so much, at times it feels unbearable. I'm trying to stay strong for my mom, but I end up losing it every time. Everyone I have talked to in my family says that I need to be happy that he is with our maker and that he has no more pain, or unhappiness. Yeah, I know that he is safe in Heaven away from all the madness in the world, but I want him here. I know it's selfish of me to say that, but I need him. I haven't had enough time with him. Everyone says that God needed him home, but you know? I need him here with me too. I know it's too late, and he's not ever coming back....and that is what hurts the most. 

 

Everyone says that it gets easier in time, that its easier to live without them, but I know that a person just gets used to not having their loved one around. There is nothing easy to this...this is one of the most difficult things I have ever went through. I sobbed today, cried for myself...screamed that I will never see him again, never hear his voice or see his smile. Separation with death is too much to handle, why does love have to hurt so much? I know that he loves me, and I know that he hates seeing me in so much pain. But its not the same...

 

I am so traumatized by his sudden death that I could not even go to the visitation, funeral, or graveside. I tried to go to the funeral but I ended up having a major panic attack and could not go. I know that he would be okay with me not going, because he knows how much I am hurting. I plan on visiting his stone soon to say a more formal goodbye. I don't know how I will make it, honestly. The pain of his memory is proving to be too much. I look at his pictures and sob, it's the worst kind of torture knowing that his picture is the only way I will see him. Honestly, I don't know how I can face another day. I'm so lost....

s l watson said:

Angela, my heart aches for you.  Sixty five is too young to leave this earth.  We can't understand why things happen as they do.  My Mama and Daddy lived to be very old (Daddy died in 1992 at 80 and Mama passed away on Dec. 15, 2010 at 95).  Daddy was still able to garden and do the things he loved until cancer took him away from us.  We were lucky to have the opportunity to say good bye and let him leave with all of those he loved around him.  Mama, had dementia and was gone long before life left her.  We still could hold her, say our good byes, forgive and ask forgiveness as she left this life.  Your Dad was taken suddenly and at a much younger age.  I know it feels unfair to him and to yourself.  You can't ask why but you can be thankful for the time you had and for the love you shared.  It doesn't get better but you become better able to find a place in your heart where you can share them with God.  Allow yorself to grieve and cry.  That is all a part of  healing.   
Shortly after losing Mama, a friend shared a book with me.  It is In Lieu of Flowers by Nancy Howard Cobb.  I found it to be comforting, I also purchased When Parents Die:  A Guide for Adults by Edward Myers.  Both help with the grieving.  I suggest you give them a read.  There are many many books on this subject and Hospice even has a support group.  It meets here the first Monday of each month.  I plan to visit them on the first monday of February.  It may not be what I need but I need to find a way to organize my guilt and thought they may help me do that.  If you are hurting so deeply that you are having problems coping reach out for help.  Grieving is natural and it takes time but at some point, you have to rejoin the living. 

Angela,

My sympathies to you.  I lost my dad 11/6/2010 at age 58 to a heart attack.  I know what your going through.  Sometimes i think he is going to call my phone to ask me about dinner then when i get home it is so empty.  With the weather where i live my mom stays down alot and im home alone and i feel so alone and sad that my dad is gone.  I wish i could have told my dad that i loved him that day before i left my house but i didnt and i feel horrible about it everyday, but im sure he knew how much he loved me.

Thank you for the book recommendations. I am going to check them out, I am sure that they will provide some comfort. What you said makes sense, I do have to rejoin the living at some point...and right now, it seems that it will never happen. Our losses are both so fresh and painful, at it seems like the pain will never end, but I am finding comfort in the most unexpected places. I am going to check out some grief counseling in my area for some extra support. Thank you so much for your kindness and support.

s l watson said:
Shortly after losing Mama, a friend shared a book with me.  It is In Lieu of Flowers by Nancy Howard Cobb.  I found it to be comforting, I also purchased When Parents Die:  A Guide for Adults by Edward Myers.  Both help with the grieving.  I suggest you give them a read.  There are many many books on this subject and Hospice even has a support group.  It meets here the first Monday of each month.  I plan to visit them on the first monday of February.  It may not be what I need but I need to find a way to organize my guilt and thought they may help me do that.  If you are hurting so deeply that you are having problems coping reach out for help.  Grieving is natural and it takes time but at some point, you have to rejoin the living. 

Monica,

     I am so sorry for your loss. Your father, like mine was so young. I do understand what you are going through. You feel so alone with this pain and grief, it seems like the pain will never end. It is so hard to know that he is never going to come home, but he would want you to find peace(if thats even possible). I too regret not telling him that I loved him that day he went to the hospital, but he knew. And your dad too knows how much you loved him. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I believe that he is still with you in spirit. We have to believe that our father's are in a better place, but I myself struggle with this....I want to be selfish because I need him here with me. Our losses are still fresh and the pain is still unbearable. It probably never gets better, but we learn how to adjust to the new "normal" in our lives. We will never forget them, but we just have to learn how to live without them. 

Monica Salisbury said:

Angela,

My sympathies to you.  I lost my dad 11/6/2010 at age 58 to a heart attack.  I know what your going through.  Sometimes i think he is going to call my phone to ask me about dinner then when i get home it is so empty.  With the weather where i live my mom stays down alot and im home alone and i feel so alone and sad that my dad is gone.  I wish i could have told my dad that i loved him that day before i left my house but i didnt and i feel horrible about it everyday, but im sure he knew how much he loved me.

I

Angela said:

Monica,

     I am so sorry for your loss. Your father, like mine was so young. I do understand what you are going through. You feel so alone with this pain and grief, it seems like the pain will never end. It is so hard to know that he is never going to come home, but he would want you to find peace(if thats even possible). I too regret not telling him that I loved him that day he went to the hospital, but he knew. And your dad too knows how much you loved him. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I believe that he is still with you in spirit. We have to believe that our father's are in a better place, but I myself struggle with this....I want to be selfish because I need him here with me. Our losses are still fresh and the pain is still unbearable. It probably never gets better, but we learn how to adjust to the new "normal" in our lives. We will never forget them, but we just have to learn how to live without them. 

Monica Salisbury said:

Angela,

My sympathies to you.  I lost my dad 11/6/2010 at age 58 to a heart attack.  I know what your going through.  Sometimes i think he is going to call my phone to ask me about dinner then when i get home it is so empty.  With the weather where i live my mom stays down alot and im home alone and i feel so alone and sad that my dad is gone.  I wish i could have told my dad that i loved him that day before i left my house but i didnt and i feel horrible about it everyday, but im sure he knew how much he loved me.

I

Angela said:

Monica,

     I am so sorry for your loss. Your father, like mine was so young. I do understand what you are going through. You feel so alone with this pain and grief, it seems like the pain will never end. It is so hard to know that he is never going to come home, but he would want you to find peace(if thats even possible). I too regret not telling him that I loved him that day he went to the hospital, but he knew. And your dad too knows how much you loved him. I don't know what your religious beliefs are, but I believe that he is still with you in spirit. We have to believe that our father's are in a better place, but I myself struggle with this....I want to be selfish because I need him here with me. Our losses are still fresh and the pain is still unbearable. It probably never gets better, but we learn how to adjust to the new "normal" in our lives. We will never forget them, but we just have to learn how to live without them. 

Monica Salisbury said:

Angela,

My sympathies to you.  I lost my dad 11/6/2010 at age 58 to a heart attack.  I know what your going through.  Sometimes i think he is going to call my phone to ask me about dinner then when i get home it is so empty.  With the weather where i live my mom stays down alot and im home alone and i feel so alone and sad that my dad is gone.  I wish i could have told my dad that i loved him that day before i left my house but i didnt and i feel horrible about it everyday, but im sure he knew how much he loved me.

I offer a quote from Nancy Cobb's book, In Lieu of Flowers:  "When a person dies, a relationship does not end - it changes and continues, just as the living do.  The bond, like the grief, is ongoing, ebbing and flowing with the passage of time, but enlivened in every memory cherished and in every story told.  With each telling, the living not only connect with each other, they reconnect with the dead,and in so doing they honor the alliance."

Angela:

 

I am so sorry about your dad I lost my dad august 8th 2010 but he was 87 and had cancer and wanted to die but even though we brought him home to my house knowing he only had days the day he died was still hard to hand especially your father so young and so fast, I relate to that though i lost my 17 year old son november 19th 2010 just 3 months after my father died.  My son died less than 500 ft from our house my husband was there within 2 minutes but jonathan died on impact but we had to wait or over 2 hours just seeing our sons hand out the window the rest of his body was covered up but they wouldn't let us near him, the pain sometimes is so unbearable try not to live day by day just live moment to moment and ask him to help  you I have gotten signs from my son since his passing and when my father passed my husband would hear someone stiring coffee like 3 in the morning when everyone was asleep, i wish you the best I lost my mother when i was 24 and it tooks years to get my life back together, all i can tell you this site has been a life saver to me and i hope it is for you also

Terri,

     Thank you. I too am so sorry to hear about the loss of your son and father. Losing your father was very painful I'm sure, but the loss of your young son must be so painful. Yes, this site has been wonderful for me. It's a great place to share your feelings of grief...and everyone here knows what you feel. I find it difficult to talk to my friends or family. They just can't relate. I too have had signs that my father is around me. It is comforting to know that he is here in spirit. I know that its not the same as being able to see or touch him, but it's as close as I can get...and I will take it. I find that I bounce back and forth with accepting my father's death. I am nowhere near accepting that he is gone, but I am getting used to not seeing him here in the house. Although it is so painful, we must find a way to go on. Our loved ones, would not want us to grieve forever. It's okay to find comfort and peace in the small things. Even though he is not here with me, I still tell him goodnight and I always say I love you. People might find that crazy(and maybe I am) but it helps. Your son is not far away...he is there with you all of the time, and if you look close enough you will feel him. I'm so sorry that he was taken from you like that. Although telling you he is in a better place may not be helpful, please take some comfort that he is watching over you. Our losses are still so fresh and the wounds are still raw, take time to grieve, but please take care of yourself(Even though its so hard and you want to give up).

Terri Kuta said:

Angela:

 

I am so sorry about your dad I lost my dad august 8th 2010 but he was 87 and had cancer and wanted to die but even though we brought him home to my house knowing he only had days the day he died was still hard to hand especially your father so young and so fast, I relate to that though i lost my 17 year old son november 19th 2010 just 3 months after my father died.  My son died less than 500 ft from our house my husband was there within 2 minutes but jonathan died on impact but we had to wait or over 2 hours just seeing our sons hand out the window the rest of his body was covered up but they wouldn't let us near him, the pain sometimes is so unbearable try not to live day by day just live moment to moment and ask him to help  you I have gotten signs from my son since his passing and when my father passed my husband would hear someone stiring coffee like 3 in the morning when everyone was asleep, i wish you the best I lost my mother when i was 24 and it tooks years to get my life back together, all i can tell you this site has been a life saver to me and i hope it is for you also

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