Finally found a place where I can share my grief with someone. On January 11, 2011 I lost my dad to a massive heart attack at the age of 65. He was so young and full of life still. He went out that morning to shovel the snow from the driveway and came back in the house short of breath and had chest pains. We called the ambulance to come get him and within an hour he was gone. They tried to revive him for over an hour, but were unable to bring him back.

 

When I first heard the news that he had coded at the hospital, I was in denial. I believed that he would be okay...that they would bring him back. I screamed and cried when my mother came home and told me that he was gone. The first few days after his death, I felt so numb and angry. I feel partly to blame because I did not tell him to not shovel the driveway. My father was very stubborn though and felt that he needed to do things for himself. Even though I know that he would not have listened to me, I feel partly to blame for his death. I never thought that he could die, I just couldn't fathom life without him in it.

 

But here I am, being swallowed by grief. I go back and forth crying and trying understand that he is not coming home. Sometimes I think that he is only gone to a friends house and will be coming home at any minute, but I am brought back to reality when the emptiness sets in. I just want him home, I want to see him again...touch him, tell him how much I love him. I am struggling to understand why he was taken from me. There is just so much anger, sadness and loneliness inside of me. Does it ever get better? I feel like I can barely function, and the days go on without me. 

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Hi Angela,  I am very, very sorry for the sudden loss of your father.  You must still be in shock.  It is difficult to lose a father at any age, but your father was still young, and the loss must be devastating.  I too lost my father recently.  On January 15th.  In my case, my father was in his mid-80's, and he had been ill, on and off for the past year.  But even so, the lost has been very painful. I loved him very much.  What I have been doing to cope with the pain is to talk to my friends and family about him.  To write prayers and letters to him. To find ways to honor him.  Of course, it does not take the place of being able to call him or visit him.  But it helps to know that he is still with me, but in another form. Anger, sadness, loneliness are all part of the process of grieving.  As difficult as it is, it is a necessary part of mourning a loved one.  There is no reason "why" he died so young.  It was his time, and there is a universal order, and any of us can be called to the next life at any time.  For me, it helps to believe that when we die it's because the work we were called to do on earth has been completed, so we need to move on to a better life at a higher level of consciousness.  Try to think of your father in a beautiful, peaceful and loving place.  A place you can always visit him in your heart and mind when you need him.  Speak to him through prayers or writings.  Honor him by doing something that was important to him.  You will get though this time, but don't rush it.  Take one day at a time.  Be good to yourself.  Allow yourself the time and space to grieve, but also find ways to celebrate his life.

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