well my name is brittney lewis ive lost 3 people who were important to me but with them it was all natural causes..my real dad thats another story i didnt meet him till i was 16 then we grew closer we would write each other some and he would call me sometimes..i only seen him three times in my whole life that i remeber so why in the world does this still get to me..it really hurts me that he killed hisself and still does to this day..i had no idea things were that bad for him i talked to him on the phone and everything seemed great but that was a week before all that goes through my head is i shoulda visited more shoulda called him more and just all these i shoulda done this..i miss him so bad sometimes i just wanna pick up the phone and call him on christmas and stuff but i know i cant it still hurts sooo bad

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Try and ignore the woulda, coulda and shoulda's. He's in a place I wish I was.  I can't go until God's time. God's forgiving. I'm sorry. I lost my Mom,  then less than a month later I lost my only child. Candace was a daughter, wife and mother of 3 little girls 8,7 and 2 when she passed on 4/09/10. I'll NEVER get beyond that. She asked me to move w/her but my roommate said I couldn't come back so I didn't move w/her. After Candace passed, less than a month after she turned 30, I had to find somewhere else to live. I blame him for not letting me move. He's dying from diabetes now so see, all in God's time.

 

melinda im soo srry for ur loss i could not imagine losing my child much less my mother and im really trying to look past the woulda coulda shouldas but for some reason its soo hard

It took me forever, that when the phone rang it would NOT be Candace. I'm in my 4th year now. It still hurts terribly! I asked God to make time go back and take me and not my Baby-girl. No such luck. I hate the fricken Devil!!! It seems that time is the only healer. I'm so sorry. Try and occupy your mind with the good times you had. He must've been really down. You will see him again, keep the faith. God IS  real!

Brittany,

   I'm so sorry for  your losses.  Grief is cumulative.  Losing your real father to suicide is especially painful.  Please forgive yourself and let go of the coulda, woulda, shouldas.  That's part of the bargaining stage and unfortunately, you can't change anything that happened.  My ex-husband was suicidal at the end of our marriage.  I recently found out that the reason my cousin's husband killed himself was because he found out he had cancer but  no insurance.  Whatever reason your father had for his behavior was not your fault.  It was his own reasons.  You didn't cause it, nor could you have controlled it.  Maybe if you write your dad a letter, it would make you feel better? 

Charlene

I do the same thing when it comes to my mom. The What if's I mean. This year in December it will be 5 years without her. Its still hurts. I dont think I will ever "get over" it but you have people here to help support and encourage you. I spent a few years away from my mom before she passed away but was able to reconnect with her in the end. Its such a blessing that you do have those memories with your dad although they may not be what you wanted its great to have. If you ever need someone to talk to or just want to vent let me know. :)

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