Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by susan chojnacki on September 10, 2010 at 7:54pm

Christine,
My Mom also passed on Feb 23rd two days before her 73rd birthday, my father when he was 55. My mom had lung cancer that went to her brain, this is how we found out it started effecting her memory, speech ect..By this time it was too late but she did have 7 rad.treatments (if she didnt it would have been horrible, blindness loss of all controll) she came home and died 3 weeks after she was diagnosed. I have been heartbroken since, I know how you feel. You are so right about God yes you have to believe, its the only thing keeping me going. They are in no more pain, in a much happier place. I know we will all be together again.........

Permalink Reply by Christine on September 13, 2010 at 12:53am

Hello Susan,
Your parents were similar to mine in age so we can relate and I guess everyone on here can relate one way or another, the pain never goes away. When my mother was in the hospital and going through one failed operation to another just to keep her alive a couple months more with no hope at all, and then to hospice, you are in a twilight, your body is going through all the emotions but your mind isn't if that makes sense, almost like a robot at the time, you feel numb and have no feelings, guess that is the shock. Now it is the most difficult time because the shock wore off reality set in. I look at old pictures and happy times, and sometimes I cry so hard I can't catch my breathe.
Things have changed so much I miss the little things about my mom that I will never have again. I sometimes don't want to even get out of bed in the morning, I find myself sad all day long, there is a darkness over me, everything seems so dim. I never went to see anyone for my grief guess I try to deal with it in my own way.
People tell me you won't remember the hospice and all the pain your mom went through, the loss of hair, the bleeding, the bag on the side of her bed, in time you will forget that and remember her as the vibrant, happy person. I hope I can forget all the pain she went through because out of all this that is what sticks in my head the most.
I hope you can find some comfort in the future too, bless you and thanks so much for writing back to me it makes me feel so much better than I am not alone.
Christine

Permalink Reply by Andrea on September 13, 2010 at 11:34pm

Dear Chrisitine, Jessie and Susan,
In solidarity...I know. Lost my mother after a stem cell transplant for bone marrow disease. She kept going, even as sick as she was. She was just a survivor. After a slight fall that left a jolt to her knee she ended up in ICU with a microscopic bleed in her brain. Although that healed over several days, it was just enough time for pneumonia to set in and a previous infection from her port was more than she could handle. She was so very brave when she was moved from ICU to hospice. On the morphine pump, she was dreaming and peaceful. I spent days and nights with her, and on the third in her room,I slept very sound, until my step-sister woke me up to tell me that Mom was gone. It didn't seem real.

That was at 4 Sunday Morning, April 18, 2010. I now can think of my mother and smile. Sometimes I cry just a bit because it comes over me at unexpected times, but the first three months after her death was nothing short of insanity for me. Grief is hard, real hard. Coping gradually became easier and now feel like I am beginning to living my life again....but not like it was before. I think about her everyday, but when I really miss her I just sit down in a quiet room and write her a letter.

I wear her jewelry and feel closer to her too. Just remember, she is still your Mother, she just cannot be physically present anymore. Look at your pictures, write down the memories that will probably flood your mind. Write them because memories do fade whether we wan them to or not. Remember her Birthday, Anniversary, Holidays....do something that is meaningful to you on those special days in order to honor her. I honored my Mother's birthday earlier this month. It became clear to me later in the day why I needed to do this. I was simply afraid of her being forgotten. The holidays are coming up and I know we will have our sad moments. It was too much for me to think about not getting a special gift for her like I have my whole life! So I am going to buy her one anyway and will probably donate it to someone that could use a little cheer.

Like you ladies, I encourage prayer. My mother gave me her prayer book that she had for as long as I can remember. You all seem like great daughters and I know your Mothers were very proud of you...as Mom's tend to be. ;)
Bless your hurting hearts

Permalink Reply by Susan B on September 14, 2010 at 4:12pm

Christine, Andrea, Susan,

I understand you completely. I lost my Dad in 1987 when he was 58 and I was 20. I took care of my incredibely sweet Mother for many years until she died at age 81 a little over 3 years ago. I am an only child. She (Josephine) was my Mother, child and best friend all a the very same time. I only reached "acceptance" of her death within the past six months. Along the way nI discovered grief I never knew existed nor could exist. I questioned everything. I was inconsolable. I have heard many times over that there is a distinct and separate mourning that happens for daughters who have been care takers for their precious mothers. Your and other moms retain (and continue to grow) their wisdom gained over their years and lifetimes and keep on imparting their wisdom to you until the moment of their passing. They are and will always be a mother to you. They will teach YOU about death. At the same time, your dearest mom is also a tiny, fragile bird in your hands and in your care. They need and reach out to you as your children. You are caring and gentle beyond words. And still, you both ware simply two soulmates who chose to be togethe making your respective journey' through this life---as soul mates, at the soul level you are best friends--- eye to eye, soul to soul.

I wish I could say things will be easy but the love between you two and the measure of your sweet mother's importance to you will be reflected in your grief. Just know that she does not want you to be sad. Your greatest gift will be carrying on for both of you-- you are her-- she is you -- from a scientific and spiritual standpoint, you are the carnate part of her still living on in this world. Your time here is not finished.

1) Know she WANTS you to be happy and live a full life before the two of you "meet" again-- know it will sadden her to see you slumped over and sad w/out purpose. She wants to look down and see you smiling and laughing. 2) Keep your faith in Christ strong-- while you grieve you may find yourself "running on faith". Things may not seem fair or logical to you at that time. Its ok--- but trust everything is how it should be. You will heal. Your mom is safe and happy. 3) The miracle you seek may or may not be in sync with God's plans. Accept and trust.

Sue
Susan L. Bagley sbagley1262@gmail.com