My dad was my life!

My beloved father passed away on December 27, 2014. I was his only child and his caregiver. We had lived in the same house together for all of my life (55 years). My parents divorced when I was only five and I was raised by my father, so my bond with him was extra close. He had been sick for a long time, he was 86, but his death still came as a terrible shock to me. Twice I found him in distress, unattended in the ICU, and then I watched him die from respiratory failure in Comfort Care for 36 hours straight.

My father was my best friend and my hero. For the first time in my life I am completely alone, no husband, no children, no friends or relatives close by. I feel lost without my father. He was the kindest man I ever knew. Our favorite pastime was to watch classic movies and listen to music together. We watched at least one movie together almost every evening. Sometimes we would binge watch Masterpiece Theater and Boardwalk Empire. Now I hardly turn on the tv, because it makes me miss him too much. I can't even watch Downton Abbey anymore, because he's not with me. Hearing the music we used to enjoy together makes me sad and anxious. Some cousins and friends have tried to keep me company when they can (which isn't often). I appreciate their kindness, they have given me comfort, but it isn't enough. They go back to their loved ones. I have no one anymore.

My father and I understood each other almost perfectly. He taught me to like everything he liked. The only thing I didn't understand about him was why he liked staying home so much. I loved being home with him all those years, but I also feel like life passed us by. There were so many things I wanted my dad to enjoy, but we ran out of time. Life isn't fun anymore without him. I knew this would happen, but it doesn't make it any easier. It's natural for our parents to die before us, but I feel like a huge part of my life has died with him. There is no more meaning or purpose in my life. People tell me to live for myself, but I don't know how.

My dad lives on in my memory, but I don't think I will ever be as happy again as I was when he was alive. I told him I loved him every day, but I wish I had spent more time with him, even though I was usually just in the next room when I wasn't beside him. I feel like I wasted time on my hobbies and trying to fix up the house, when I should have spent more time with him, keeping him company and cherishing every last moment with him. I did spend a lot of time with him, but I could have spent more! Sometimes he watched our favorite movies by himself, because I was busy doing something else. How could I leave him alone like that? I acted like we had all the time in the world -- how could I be so stupid! I should have asked him more questions and written down his answers. I guess I didn't think of this before, because I was in denial. I had too much faith in his will to live. He had been through so many crises before and always recovered until this last time. I helped save his life more than once, but this time I feel like there was something I did or something I didn't do that led to his demise. I trusted his doctors and the hospital, but they made mistakes. I feel like I should have taken him to another hospital, but they all make mistakes.

I cry every day. I have chronic insomnia and tingling feelings in my arms. I miss my dad terribly. I feel like I took him for granted. I wish I had never complained about anything to him. I should have just been happy that he was with me. He was so stoic. He didn't like to worry me. Now I wonder if he was suffering more than he would tell me. For many years I was a caregiver for four elderly relatives in succession, but the loss of my father is the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I thought I was strong, but I can't take this! I have endured the loss of other loved ones, but my dad was always there to give me moral support, so I didn't feel as lonely and hopeless as I do now. My mother died just two months before my father, but she didn't raise me, so I don't miss her nearly as much as my dad. With her I mostly mourn what might have been.

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Permalink Reply by Gilda on May 15, 2015 at 4:07pm

I just got an email from Netflix saying that Season 3 of Gran Hotel is on there now. My dad and I had a lot of fun binge-watching the first two seasons. Now I'm afraid to watch it, because it will make me sad. I hate that this is how it's going to be from now on, thinking of all the things my father will miss and I'll miss enjoying with him. Last night I kept thinking of different movies we watched together and how we'll never have that shared happiness again. Movies were our life! I remember one time a while back, my dad needed to go to the ER and he didn't want to go because I had just gotten in a new batch of rare old films on dvd's. I told him you've got to go to the ER, so you can come back and watch these movies. Thank God he did return and we had another year or so together. When he went to the ER this last time, I thought he would come back again soon, and we would resume our simple but happy life. How will I ever be happy again without him?

“It is very simple to be happy, but it is very difficult to be simple.”

― Rabindranath Tagore

Permalink Reply by dream moon on May 16, 2015 at 12:17am

iv had emle off dads fav mvis or tv shw lk smalvil or wsten iv evn wnt bort thm thng my dad wi;; enjy it

Permalink Reply by dream moon on May 16, 2015 at 12:17am

dream moon said:

iv had emle off dads fav mvis or tv shw lk smalvil or wsten iv evn wnt bort thm thng my dad wi;; enjy it

Permalink Reply by Gilda on May 16, 2015 at 12:33am

dream moon, please forgive me, but I don't understand the following words:

emle and bort -- are you saying you bought your dad movies? -- do you still watch them? Sorry I had too many cocktails with my dinner. :)

dream moon said:

iv had emle off dads fav mvis or tv shw lk smalvil or wsten iv evn wnt bort thm thng my dad wi;; enjy it

Permalink Reply by dream moon on May 16, 2015 at 12:55am

sorry bad typo error nt got pin nedle in rht aem arm

plus not grt at spelng did a few tmes got my dad thngs bean in dizy brane thng my dad will lk it evn got sweets for him 2 or biskits thnk he lk it he will

hpe u enjoyd yore coktails im a bear lady or win onse aw k on a sun i do

Permalink Reply by Gilda on May 16, 2015 at 1:10am

I'm sorry about your arm. Hope it feels better soon. At first, I avoided my father's favorite foods, because he can't enjoy them, but now I've started to have treats he liked in his memory. On Tuesday I'm going to have bread pudding with my cousin, because my dad liked that.

Yes, I did enjoy the cocktails, thanks. They were pisco sours, made of Peruvian brandy called pisco -- it's very strong. I just discovered Peruvian food and I'm hooked. My dad never got to taste it, unfortunately.

Permalink Reply by dream moon on May 16, 2015 at 1:21am

only 1 it had me sic wz kitkts 1 o my dads fav it wz i dnt thnk il hav a kit kat jst yet

my dad luvd fooood he did

he luvd fish he did i dnt et fish coz of acsedent yrs i go i had th 1 of fsh bons got stuk in my tfrote don no hw 2 spell it

Permalink Reply by Gilda on May 16, 2015 at 1:30am

I'm so sorry you got the fish bone stuck in your throat! I like ceviche which is fish marinated in a citrus base -- no bones and there are these crunchy little Peruvian corn nuts -- so tasty. If you're ever in San Francisco, I'll treat you to a Peruvian meal. You might like it. The rotisserie chicken is out of this world and the savory beef turnovers are delicious. It's the only food I really like these days. I lost my appetite for the first two months after my father died. He loved to eat, too.

Permalink Reply by dream moon on May 16, 2015 at 5:54am

me mums bean 2 resront we hav juts had egg ham frys we did plus 2 pnts of hinkin u cud say juts get in now uk t 1153 we had erly brunch u cud say thn bear hinkin we did

im off 2 sleep it off

Permalink Reply by Gilda on May 16, 2015 at 8:34am

Sounds like you and your mum had a nice brunch. My dad loved a good breakfast -- he and his brother used to call what you just had "a Buck Jones meal". Buck Jones was their favorite cowboy star. :) Have a great day!

Permalink Reply by dream moon on May 16, 2015 at 3:13pm

yea it wz a grt meel it wz

Permalink Reply by Debbie Winans on May 27, 2015 at 10:33am

Hey Gilda. Just thinking about you and how you are doing. Hopefully better. Funny, I got through both my parent's birthday's this year. Dad was February and Mom was March. But as it nears MY birthday, I'm having weeping troubles! While I'm sure some of my out of town neighbors will remember and probably some neighbors and friends, it's hard to think about having a birthday without my Dad giving me a hug and a funny card and taking me out to dinner. And you really can't talk about it, because it feels like then you are begging for them to make a fuss over your birthday. It's kind of that situation where you want them to but don't want to ask them to. A rock and a hard place. My birthday isn't for a week or so yet.