Almost 4 weeks ago, I said my last few words to my mom before I lost her. She was sitting in her favorite chair rubbing her chest and watching the olympics. I asked if she was okay and she replied it was only indigestion. I told her I was going to take a nap and I'd see her in an hour and that I loved her. An hour later, I found her laying on the couch and gone. She'd had a massive heart attack and went in her sleep. I am greatful for that. But of course I have moments of "what if", even though it's too late for that.

I'm the "baby" sister at almost 32 and have lived with mom my entire life, while my sisters are much older in their late 40's and early 50's. For them, they lost mom. For me, I lost my mom, my best friend, my confidant and my companion.

Last year mom had minor surgery and I became so afraid that she'd die, I developed intense agoraphobia and anxiety. For 3 months I couldn't leave our apartment. I've been making progress since then, but now since she died I feel like I'm back at square one but alone.

I am by no means "alone" I have 3 older sisters, a fiance and great friends and neighbors but it's not the same. I've never lived alone, and now I am living in our apartment without mom. I can handle small spats (3 hours) of being alone, but the silence without her breaks my heart.

I've had to have someone in the family stay with me overnight and if they couldn't, I stay over at my neighbors. I tried staying overnight alone last week and I just kept picturing her the way I found her and had to stay at my neighbors.

People keep asking me how I'm feeling and really all I can say is that this sucks. It truly sucks, I miss my mom so much and now in hindsight I realize that I depended on her a bit too much. But at the same time, I am glad that I got to spend so much time with her.

I find that I cry at "weird" moments, the first 2 weeks I cried constantly and could hardly eat. Now, I cry when I am journaling or I see a commerical that reminds me of her. I can't bring myself to watch anything she did, or listen to music she loved.

I'm doing better then I was, but this just hurts so much and it DOES suck.

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Replies to This Discussion

Natasha, I am sorry for your loss, and I know just how you are feeling... I have walked in those same shoes. I lost my Mom a little over 2 years ago. I too never lived on my own until after I lost her. It was the strangest thing to be in her house without her and to know that she was not coming back. I found my Mom had passed when I woke from a nap too and in the early days after her death I couldn't close my eyes without seeing her the way I found her that day.

 

Renee

In one way I think it's horrible that I had to find her, but in another I am glad I was there to say I loved her and that she wasn't alone. How long did you stay in the house Renee before moving out? My sisters think I should be moving asap, but I want time to just sit here and grieve the loss of not only my mom but of my life before her passing.

Natasha

Natasha sorry for your loss. I said goodbye to my Mom on April 8, she took her last breath and fell into a deep sleep and then she was gone on front of all our family. She died of an aggressive form of lung cancer. She would have been 72 last Wednesday. My big 50 is tomorrow and it just feels so empty. I miss her so much and can't beleive she is gone. So I know the pain and loss you are feeling. She is now at peace but that doesn't help the people left here. With the huge void.

Happy Birthday Jackie. It's an awful horrible void. I ended up calling a grief therapist to come in next week, just as a starting point.

Natasha, I stayed there for just under a year only because I was looking to buy a house of my own and didn't want to waste money on "rent" I lost my Mom June 28th 2010 and I was moved into my new house by June 12th 2011. You have to do what is right for you, I couldn't stay there it had too much bad juju for me I would have moved sooner if I had been able to, but that is me! I am glad that I was there to find my mom as well it's a little crazy because my 10 year old nephew had just left the night before I'm glad I didn't have to work that day and that my nephew wasn't there to see her like that...

Renee
 
Natasha said:

In one way I think it's horrible that I had to find her, but in another I am glad I was there to say I loved her and that she wasn't alone. How long did you stay in the house Renee before moving out? My sisters think I should be moving asap, but I want time to just sit here and grieve the loss of not only my mom but of my life before her passing.

Natasha

I feel like I was meant to be the one to find her, because if I wasn't here who would have been right? I have to spend my first week without anyone here this coming week and my hearts breaking to be here without her.

I lost my dad 4/8/11 after a 4 week battle with leukemia that was very unexpected. I have been seeing a grief psychologist since then. I feel as though I am still in denial that he died and I can't bring myself to grieve. I was a daddy's girl. My girls were so close to my dad and my son was born 4 weeks after he died.

Renee, I finally have that image gone from my head. It was awful. Last night was the first night since she passed that I slept in the apartment alone and it felt good to be in my own bed and not on my neighbours couch. The worst is the silence though, I hate not hearing her around the house even if we didn't always talk 24/7 its just the loss of sound of someone else moving around the apartment. 

Natasha,

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss.  It is so hard to deal with the loss of a loved one but even more so a loss of a parent.  A mother is someone we can always rely on, no matter what our age is.  A mother is someone who was the first to love us unconditionally.  I want to give you some scriptures that I find to be very helpful in making the hurt calm down a bit.  I would like to ask you, how would you feel if you knew that a reunion with your mother was possible right here on earth under better conditions?  Gods word makes that promise found in Isaiah 26:19 "Your dead ones will live... they will rise up"  The Bible describes death as an enemy and grief can be so overwhelming.  Yet, we have confidence in the resurrection of our loved ones here on earth.  A Beautiful scripture is found in Revelations 21:3,4 "The tent of God is with mankind, and he will reside with them, and they will be his people.  And God himself will be with them.  And he will wipe out every tear from their eyes, and DEATH WILL BE NO MORE, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore.  The former things have passed away."  Isn't that a beautiful promise by our loving creator?  The conditions of the earth will be far different from what we see today.  Psalms 37:28,29 "For God is a lover of justice, and he will not leave his loyal ones.  To time indefinite they will certainly be guarded, But as for the offspring of the wicked ones, they will indeed be cut off.  The righteous themselves will possess the earth, and they will reside forever upon it."  Can you imagine Natasha, spending eternity with your entire family on a paradise earth.  No violence, no sickness, no pain, no death, no suffering?  This is the promises found in Gods word the Bible. 

I hope I was able to take some of the pain away,

Kristen

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