My dad died unexpectedly about three weeks ago. Two weeks after my family buried my uncle, ( my moms brother) He just turned 69 two weeks before, I am 25. I am still trying to understand what has happened. I feel okay some days when I just pretend he didn't die, that this isn't true, and he just isn't home. I go to visit him at the cemetery often to try and make myself understand that this is true, but even there it still feels surreal. At times when I do get that he isn't coming home again I find myself panicking. How am I supposed to live a life without him here? What if I live another 60 years and my memories of him slip away. I grew up in the church and always thought I was very religious. Just the two weeks before when my uncle died rather suddenly too only in his early 50s ( although he was not well) I comforted my grandparents telling them its okay, he's in heaven, he's at peace etc. But the second I think of my dad, I freak out. I start to question my faith and wonder if he has just disappeared completely and I'll never be able to see him again or tell him that I love him. I start to question things because frankly, we will never know until we are gone too. My dad was wonderful to our family, his friends and strangers. I myself have always tried to shy away from showing emotions, I am not sure why. I never once told my dad I loved him, or hugged him, even when he said it first. I had recently graduated from college and have just started to go back because I wanted to find a career and my bachelors degree wasn't getting me anywhere. I often told myself once I was established, or married or engaged I'd build a closer relationship with my parents. I just wanted to make them proud so bad. I was elated I finally found a program that in a couple years time I'd have a great job, I couldn't wait to have my dad see me be successful and he could stop asking me if I was making rent or if I needed his help. It was like i was still in my teenage angst period, where they were wonderful to me but I couldn't be bothered. I will regret this for the rest of my life. If i had just told him I loved him once, just to see his face light up, I was so selfish.
The reasoning for this post however is not that, it is that I have grown fearful of life and I do not know how to fix it. My dad was healthy. Very healthy, he did not smoke, only drank at holidays, he ate a healthy diet and ran everyday. He was an avid hiker and outdoorsman, he was unimaginably hardworking. In fact, the week before he died he got a clean bill of health from the family doctor. He did not take regular medication for anything, his blood pressure, cholesterol etc. were great. The day he died he came home from work ( a job he took after retirement because he liked working so much) took care of our farm animals, played ball with the dog, chatted with my mom, and went for his evening jog. He completed a 4 mile run and shut his run tracker app off on his phone. He put the phone back in his arm holder band for it and had his keys in his hand. The time stamp from when he shut the run app off on his phone and when the 911 call went in was less than 6 minutes after. He just literally dropped dead. Another runner who said my dad had just stopped less than ten minutes before and was chatting with him ( no signs of distress) found him laying on the track, already deceased when he called 911. I am the other active one in my family. I just joked recently with my dad, as he was completing a 5k that maybe one day I'd be in good enough shape to do it with him. I too ran several times a week, but usually just a mile or two, and I went to the gym everyday. I am absolutely terrified to go running again or go to the gym. I know that sounds irrational, but its not. My dad was in better shape than me and just dropped. He had no idea. We had no idea. But the other part of me is scared that if I just continue to lay around and eat my health will deteriorate too. I just don't see an answer to this. I'm so damn scared anything I do now, any ache or pain, I fear the worst. Does anyone have any advice on what I should do, or how I can overcome this fear?