I am sitting here thinking about how close Christmas actually is, and how I am not into at all this year. Normally I love watching my children open up their gifts and getting together with family; this year I can not think of enough excuses to keep myself away from all of that. Over the past year and a half I have lost my nephew, my grandfather, my father, my uncle, my father's very close friend, my husband's grandfather, and very recently a friend. This has been so much loss in just a very short time. My father's death is the hardest of them all!!! He was the one I went to for everything; the only one who could fully undertand how I felt. I am feeling very lonely during this holiday season without him here, and it is also my first Christmas without him. I know I have many support networks around me and a very supportive family, but it just does not cut it; nobody will ever compare to him. I always have these thoughts like "okay I have to go visit my father today", and then I realize "oh wait; I can't".......... I am not in denial because I understand that he has passed, but I just always have an overwhelming feeling of wanting to see him. Going to his grave is just not the same; I talk to him, but he does not talk back. It makes me even more sad and I leave feeling worse than I did before I went there. I don't know I am all over the place. I just know that this holiday is going to suck without my daddy........ </3  

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Hi Sarah,

I feel for you and know what you're going through (unfortunately).   I lost my Dad 6 years ago and haven't been really able to "celebrate" a Christmas since - after about three years I would meet my Mom for dinner/gift exchange but it's never been the same.  My Dad was my best friend.  You're very lucky to have the support networks you have - I just lost my Mom suddenly two months ago and am feeling completely alone.  I have a supportive boyfriend but my brother lives half across the country and other than that that's about it for family.   I'm reaching the stage where it's really hitting me that Mom is gone too and that even though Dad was my best buddy Mom turned into much more one he left us.  Now I have no parent to call when I need advice.   I'm all over the place too and no one seems to understand.  I'm only 42 and an orphan (my brother is only 39).  Just try to get through the holidays the best you can and if you need time to yourself take it.  Don't feel like you "have to" do this and that.  

Hang in there (I'm tryin to so you're not alone) -

Kathy

omg sarah I am so sorry for you.  I can identify with your feelings of loss around the holiday time:  it hits me sometimes very greatly when I least expect it and other times it seems I am doing wonderfully,  this will be the first Christmas I will experience without my beloved grandmother and knowing that my father is gone from the earth too.  I tell myself it shouldn't be a big deal to me, somehow I chastise myself for having these feelings of sadness, I don't even know why.  I can't explain it.  The tears come when I least expect them to:  in the middle of my workday, at the store, in the car, during a chore at home...they just come.  I am appalled at myself.  I am starting to genuinely wonder if I am going crazy...

I am sorry for all the loss you ladies have experienced as well. The holiday's are a very trying time for those of us going through such deep emotional hardships. My family usually celebrates at my grandmother's house (my father's mother), and she lives right next store to my Dad's house. It is so hard to go there on any given day to visit gram, and look at that house where we shared so many memories. I know Christmas will be exceptionally hard. I have decided to stay home with my husband and children, and have my husbands family up. I want it to be, a fun and exciting day for my children, as it should be. They should not have to suffer because I am an emotional wreck. Kathy you are right, I need to put everyone else's feelings aside besides those of my children and myself. I need to do what is right for me at this time, and that is to keep myself away from any potential sadness I may feel from going to my grams. I know my family will understand, but I can see they are getting worried because I am keeping myself away. Tammy I also at times feel as if I am going crazy. I have lost interest in many things since my dads passing, and I feel my sadness is overwhelming to everyone around me. I seriously cry once a day, and it is now coming up on 1 year of his passing. I visit his grave once a week, which some may feel is excessive, but it is something I need to do. My mother is just getting her life back on track after my dads passing; I think it made her realize that all us children are left alone now, and by alone I mean w/o a parent. She was never a big part of our lives, and we resided with my father during our youth. She is now doing great in her recovery from addiction, and has been clean for 9 months. I am proud of her of course, but she will never be my dad. Sorry I just went on a rant and rave to you ladies. Thank you for listening. I tend to keep my feelings inside, and mask them when I am around those who love me.   

Sarah,

It's good that you're here venting!  A lot of people really don't understand how hard it can be for some of us and if they haven't experienced loss they have no clue.   My boyfriend tries to be understanding (I cry nearly every day too, although it's more for the sudden loss of my Mom) but until you go through it you don't have any idea.  I can't imagine having to go near the house where you grew up in - I don't think I've been by mine since Dad died six years ago.  Now I have to go to my Mom's condo with all the memories there in order to keep it up/water plants and it's both upsetting and cathartic.  I sort of feel her with me when I'm there but I'm also bombarded by memories of picking her up to bring her to the ER and how she was worried about her hair staying in  place.   I guess my going there is like you visiting the grave (I can't do that yet - seeing both Mom and Dad on one gravestone is too much). 

I hate to be nosy but have you thought about seeing a doctor?  I suffer from depression (just what I need on top of this) and losing interest in things is one symptom.  My doctor put me on a medication temporarily to try to control the unbearable sadness/mood swings - not sure if it works or not because that is normal in grief.   I seem to be be more in control than I was when I lost Dad.   Losing him nearly destroyed me.  OK, starting to cry...

Take care of yourself and keep venting if it helps!  If you want to e-mail me I'm at kathydaffy@charter.net.  

 

Kathy

I never thought of it until now.  I never have yet seen my father's grave.  I'm not sure if I ever will.  I was only told by my evil half brother supposedly where they buried him.  They never gave him the military honors he should have had, he served infantry in the Vietnam war.  They dumped his ashes in the ground on Fathers' Day, three days after my 41st birthday this year.  It was the single most horrific day of my life outside of my gramma's funeral in July.  I locked myself inside the apartment for most of the day, and then when I got a little bit hungry (I hadn't eaten a thing or even seen anyone for three days) I was intending to drive out to get a couple cheeseburgers, at the time my crazy ex-boyfriend was terrorizing me and so he stood out in the parking lot in the rain and threw a handful of tools at my car while I left.  I sat in the parking lot of the fast food place sobbing for the next couple hours before I thought it was safe enough to return home.  I've never felt so heartbroken in all my life.  It is a wonder I do not sit in a rubber room today.  I don't know if my tears will ever stop falling but at least I can let them fall and share my pain with you ladies here today and try to comfort you in your losses too.  I pray we all can get through Christmas...together

-Tammy

Kathy, 

      I also suffer from anxiety and depression (never officially diagnosed) which makes all of this that much harder. My father was the one who helped me control it all, and whenever I felt anxious I would call him to calm me down. Nobody can ever help me with that the way he did. I do need to consult a doctor because I know I am heading down a path of more uncontrollable depression, and I do not want it to get worse than it is. I am very against taking medicine though, so I would have to find an alternative route as far as that goes. I know there are many homeopathic ways of handling my issues as well; I just need to learn them. 

Tammy, 

       So wer you not invited to attend your father's funeral? If you do not mind me asking. Wow you have really been through some heartache and hardships in life to say the least. I hope that your ex is not still taunting you , and that you are able to move on in your future. On top of all your loss the last thing you need is an abusive man to deal with. Sometimes life challenges are just too much to deal with. They (whoever they are) say that god does not give us anything we can not handle, but I question that daily! I have dealt with many obstacles in my life that I could have gone without experiencing!!! I guess I took those life lessons and I learned from them, but I suffer from anxiety and depression because of them! 

Thank God Sarah, my ex will now be facing a prison term for crimes he committed against me during the past year, he broke into my home several times, stealing things, he will be paying for these crimes, his court date is coming up this Friday.

On the larger part, I have the strength to go on with my life.  There is only one reason for this:  I have faith in God, my family raised me in this faith and I believe God provides us with that will as well as the strength to comfort others as well.  This is where I get my breathing power and my "doing" power:  because I know I could never do it on my own!!!  Thank you for caring, and may you be blessed!!!  If anyone wants to reach me:  I am at TammyDHU882@yahoo.com

-T.

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