Struggling with the pain of my Dad's passing

At 25 years old, I never expected to face a life time without my Dad, who was only 62 when he passed on March 28, 2013. Sure, I spent 25 years loving all of his jokes, learning his lessons, at times butting heads, but it just seems like a single drop in a barrel. As an adult, I looked forward to many, many years of enjoying each other, as father and daughter, of course, but also as best friends. I was always a Daddy's girl, as you can see in my profile picture, and I just feel this bottomless pit of misery every day, all day long, knowing I will not get to share another second with him. Thankfully, I have my Mom and Sister for support, but we have always done things our own way, and grief is the most apparent one. I've been struggling trying to keep my eye on the prize, which is living a joyous life, because my Dad wouldn't have wanted anything less. I can hear him telling me to enjoy the little things around me and not dwell on the intense pain that has engulfed my heart. Some days it seems easy to do, but most days it is a struggle to even crack a smile. I have so much to look forward to in life; marriage, children, retirement, grandchildren, and though some of those events I fully expected to be celebrating without my Dad, getting married and having children without my Dad around just seems bitter sweet. My wedding day, no matter what way I look at it, will never EVER be what I expected it to be for the last 25 years. Taking my kids to Grandpa and Grandma's wont ever happen, and he will never hold them, spoil them, or play with them. Though they don't even exist yet, I already feel they have been cheated out of meeting a great man.

The most depressing part about the entire situation, was how unexpected it was to lose him. My mom lost her brother, my uncle, on March 4, 2013. Our family was reeling from the shock of losing him suddenly, so when 3 weeks later my Dad was hospitalized, we were all numb, and couldn't even imagine the possibility of losing someone else. My Dad started getting better, and all of a sudden overnight, things went from okay, to grim. One family having to go to two funerals in less than a month is just plain cruel. I cant even begin to understand how my Mom feels. Of everyone in the entire family, her losses are seemingly the most profound, losing a brother and husband 3 weeks apart. I try to be a good support for her, but in grief your heart wants you to be selfish, because the pain is so deep it is impossible to ignore. I've managed to make big decisions and get my life in order since his passing, but sometimes I feel so weak it's hard to care, and I guess I just want to be part of a community who can sympathize with how I'm feeling, and maybe even give me a good laugh. Even though we are all here because we have experienced a tremendous loss, it's still comforting to know I'm not alone.

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Permalink Reply by Joyce Kinsey on September 20, 2013 at 5:50pm

Courtney,

That is really tough to lose your Dad at such a young age. I lost my mother in Dec. & she was 101 and ready to go, but I still felt deep deep pain. After all, she had been in my life all my life & I looked forward to Christmas with her. So I cried & let all the anguish out. It was a physical pain in my chest & I was advised by my health coach that it was important to grieve as much as I needed to - not wallow in it - but cry as much as I needed to & to journal about my feelings, as you have here. She also said not to put on a brave face. Let others handle their grief in their own way, but you must take care of yourself & not view it as being selfish. Instead, you are really loving yourself and will be a healthier person more able to help others if you give in to your own feelings and get them out. I still cry once in a while, but the pain is lessening as time goes by. You have lost a part of your future here - all your dreams that include your Dad.

So know that you are not alone & that it's OK for you to have & express the feelings you have. As you let those feelings out you will be able as time goes on to support your mother. She knows you have lost someone important, too.

Hope this helps in some small way!

Permalink Reply by Shawn Rene on September 21, 2013 at 5:55am

Courtney you have me balling my eyes out right now. I can definitely relate to everything you are saying. I'm lost for words. All I can say is try your hardest to keep your head up, keep busy doing things related to keeping your dad's memory alive. For example, I have a 15 year old half sister. She lost her mother 4-years ago & now our father in August. Sometimes I just scream & ask why is my daddy gone, sometimes I cry myself to sleep, then there are times I just sleep as much as I can, especially since I'm on a leave of absence from work. I know I can't continue like this. For one I chant afford to be off work & my daddy definitely would not want me moping around. Overall I make my little sister my motivation. It's amazing how strong she is. I have hopes to one day start a foundation to support her as well as other children who gave lost a parent while under the age of 18. God bless you Courtney. I know it's hard but do the best that you can.

Permalink Reply by Courtney Guetschow on September 23, 2013 at 11:41am

Hi Shawn,

First, I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. While it is comforting to know that there are others who can sympathize with the way I'm feeling, I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemy, and in that sense I wish nobody could sympathize with me. But alas, that is not how life works, and it seems we are all almost guaranteed to feel this pain at one point or another. So, again, I'm so, so sorry you are feeling a similar pain. It sure seems like what we are going through is very prematurely, and that is a tough pill to swallow. Try to think about the process of healing your heart while you are away from work. While it may be too soon to actually begin healing (at least that's the way I feel for myself), there's nothing wrong with a little healthy positivity. Some days when I feel the lowest of low, I just try to imagine the day where I can wake up and not feel so gloomy. Even though that day is nowhere in sight, I have faith that it will come eventually, and that actually picks my spirit up a little bit. My Dad was the greatest man that existed in my life, and losing him will easily be one of the hardest things I will go through in life. Even though it's depressing that I have lost him so early in life, it makes me feel like a stronger more experienced person inside; no longer am I naive to losing someone, no longer will I take people I love for granted, no longer will I let other people impact my life in a negative way, no longer can anyone hurt my feelings. All of these things are the positives I have found in a very negative situation. Some days are horrific, some days are just normal, I think that is the roller coaster of grief. My Dad raised me to be a strong woman, and even though he is not physically here to praise me, I think he would be so proud of me, and how I have been dealing with this loss, and that, above anything, makes me happy. There will always be a crappy day, or maybe a crappy week, or year, but just thinking of my Dad alive warms my icy heart. I feel like I'm babbling on and on, but I could talk about him forever :-) I hope you find a way to warm your heart, even if it is totally opposite from the way I do. Enjoy your time away from work, I only got 1 week :'( and I wish I could have taken 6 months.

Courtney

Shawn Mickens said:

Courtney you have me balling my eyes out right now. I can definitely relate to everything you are saying. I'm lost for words. All I can say is try your hardest to keep your head up, keep busy doing things related to keeping your dad's memory alive. For example, I have a 15 year old half sister. She lost her mother 4-years ago & now our father in August. Sometimes I just scream & ask why is my daddy gone, sometimes I cry myself to sleep, then there are times I just sleep as much as I can, especially since I'm on a leave of absence from work. I know I can't continue like this. For one I chant afford to be off work & my daddy definitely would not want me moping around. Overall I make my little sister my motivation. It's amazing how strong she is. I have hopes to one day start a foundation to support her as well as other children who gave lost a parent while under the age of 18. God bless you Courtney. I know it's hard but do the best that you can.

Permalink Reply by Jazzi Yarbrough on October 6, 2013 at 11:24am

Hi Courtney: Your writing skills are absolutely wonderful. You have the gift of writing and creating a picture in the mind of your reader just incase you didn't know that! If you don't have a blog already, I think you should start one. Expressing your feelings on a blog will help. It helped me a great deal when I lost my Dad last year in late February. I had a birthday and six days later he died. His sister died three days before him.

Things can always be worse. There are families of Amish crews killed on highways, and entire families killed. The pain of losing just one person is a lot to handle, but more than one person in a short time frame seems unbearable.

It's always someone worse off than we are, and Its really hard for me to imagine that. My prayers are with you and thank you for sharing your thoughts!

Permalink Reply by Courtney Guetschow on October 9, 2013 at 12:07pm

Hi Jazzi,

Thank you for your compliments on my writing :) You have no idea how much that made my day. I've always had a passion for writing, I just never knew what to write about. Anyways, I appreciate that you took the time to respond to my post. I'm so sorry we are both struggling with the loss of loved ones, but you are very right, it could be so much worse. Though I cant even begin to fathom anything worse than this, logically, I can grasp the concept. I hope your healing comes to you quickly, and if you ever need need a blog to read, I do, in fact, have one : - )

Courtney

Jazzi Yarbrough said:

Hi Courtney: Your writing skills are absolutely wonderful. You have the gift of writing and creating a picture in the mind of your reader just incase you didn't know that! If you don't have a blog already, I think you should start one. Expressing your feelings on a blog will help. It helped me a great deal when I lost my Dad last year in late February. I had a birthday and six days later he died. His sister died three days before him.

Things can always be worse. There are families of Amish crews killed on highways, and entire families killed. The pain of losing just one person is a lot to handle, but more than one person in a short time frame seems unbearable.

It's always someone worse off than we are, and Its really hard for me to imagine that. My prayers are with you and thank you for sharing your thoughts!

Permalink Reply by sonya mcknight on October 14, 2013 at 9:35am

Hi Courtney Sonya here I am so sorry for your losses.

My thoughts and prayers are with you all.

I lost my mum in Jan 2012 and the way i feel is the same way i felt back then.

Take Care all of you.

Permalink Reply by Jazzi Yarbrough on October 22, 2013 at 1:13pm

Hi Courtney! So exciting I am going to look up your blog. I enjoy reading what you write! You've got a fan here for life! Sonya, thank you so much for your kind words. We are all still here and coping with emotional pain. It's really hard when you love someone and all of a sudden one day they are not here anymore. It hurts me every time I think about my Dad. I pray for everyone here and I pray that I can give kind and encouraging words in times of grief to others. It gets better with time, but the truly hurting part is that we won't see them again, all we have........MEMORIES!!!!

Permalink Reply by Angela Hodges on October 31, 2013 at 6:59pm

So sorry for your loss Courtney, everyday millions of people grieve over the death of a loved ones. I just wanted to let you know that God cares about you and he does give everyone assurance as found at John 5:28, 29 that we will see our dead loves again.

Take care, and through burdens on God and he will help you through it.

Permalink Reply by Lori Sherry on November 7, 2013 at 4:35pm

Hi Courtney,

My name is Lori Sherry. I'm so sorry about the loss of your father and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Well, I knew that my dad was sick but, I never thought that he would pass away at an early age. I was 33-years-old when he passed away and he was 67-years-old when he passed away on July 3, 2010.

Yes, I loved when he made funny remarks and learning things.

As an adult, I always looked forward to many years of enjoying each other as father and daughter.

I was always a daddy's girl but, I get really emotional knowing that I will never be able to spend another day with him.

Thankfully, I have my mom and my brother, my friends and of course God for support. We do things our way even grieving.

I have been struggling alot but, my dad would want me to go on which I'm trying to do. He would want me to enjoy life which I do.

He would want me to enjoy the little things but, sometimes it's really hard. I have alot of things to look forward to. I hope to get married and have kids one day but, I'm not at that point yet. I miss him at gatherings. If I do decide to get married and have kids, it won't be what I imagined it to be. He will never be able to meet my kids. I really feel bad that they won't be able to meet him.

The most depressing part is was how unexpected it was to lose him. Yes, I knew he was sick but, we thought that he would a few more years with us.

My mom lost a brother, my uncle a few years ago. We knew that he was sick and that he might not have very much time left.

A few years later my dad had gotten sick and had gone into the hospital a few times and each time he got better then, suddenly things went from okay to grim. Of everybody in the entire family I can't understand how she feels as her losses are so profound. Now, I did lose a brother so, I understand that. I try to be a good support for her but, in grief your heart wants to selfish because the pain is so deep so, it's impossible to ignore. I'm learning how to make important decisions again and get my life back together again since his passing and I'm such a strong person with everything that I have been through. I have my hard times though. I just want to be able to talk to somebody who can sympathize with me and maybe give me a good laugh and even chat. Even though we are all here because we have experienced a tremendous loss, it's really comforting to know that I'm not alone.

Lori Sherry

Permalink Reply by RJ on November 11, 2013 at 10:08pm

Courtney,

I can't imagine the loss you must feel about moments never to be shared with your Dad.

I am 44, I cherish the time I had with my Daddy.

He passed away in September last year.

In December, 2 1/2 months later, I had my wedding.

I prayed to God that He would help me feel no emptiness or loss about my Dad that day. I wanted to feel my Dad there, joyous and happy like he would have been.

Despite other offers to escort me, I chose to walk down the isle, as it appeared to observers, "by myself".

But to me--no, I was not alone. I felt my Dad's presence in such a real way--and his blessing on me and Michael as he "gave away"--that it will remain one of the most vivid, profound and cherished memories of my entire life. I thank God for such a gift.

I hope in some small way this may give you hope and comfort about what your future may bring--unexpected blessings at those significant life moments, when you need them the most.

Permalink Reply by Amanda Louise Hudson on December 11, 2013 at 6:35pm

I feel like I can relate to you about this in the loss of my father on Thanksgiving 2013. I'm 31 but I started having children late. My older son is seven and my youngest 7 months old. He loved them so much! He even had us put up pocket watches to give them whenever he was no longer around. He gave them to us while he was healthy only a few months before he was gone. The loss was sudden and unexpected. Grief is weakening me too. It plays with my mind like a toy. I know he wants me to take great care of his grand babies. Neither of us knew it would be this horrible when the day came. I am experiencing all of the expected signs of grief. It really is too much to go through. It really hurts worse than anything I have ever experienced before. You are right in that it is impossible to ignore the grief. I tried too and like you it couldn't last. I have to figure out what to do with the feelings as my normal stress routine is not changing a thing for the first time. Everything makes me think of him. I was with him when he left and the memories play over and over in my mind that I can not stop. The walk through life is now like a train speeding on a track moments from derailment. I need help to slow the train and push it back over to balanced. Like you, I hope to find comfort here that could help.

Permalink Reply by Juanita Jaramillo on May 7, 2014 at 9:28pm

Courtney I lost my dad December 10,2013 and reading your story is so similar to how I feel!Dad was fine one day and then gone the next! He and I were so very close my dad and best friend. We talked every day lunch once a week!! Days I feel how am I supposed to go on how do I function then realize how he would expect me to!!Things are really messed up right now!! Does this pain ever go away!!