My father's birthday is rapidly approaching and the anniversary of his death just a few days after.. It doesn't get better. I am more depressed now than what I have been in months. I am having reacurring dreams of his death over and over. Wishing I could have changed so many things.. I can't stop beating myself up.

I wonder if he knows how much I miss him, how much it hurt. I still have the horrid memories of the last moments. I want to embrace them as they were our last moments however they weren't the best and I want to remember him smiling and not in the moments of dying.. Some days I just don't know what to do anymore.

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I feel a lot like you do, but the day my Dad died was Oct 18th and my birthday is Oct 23rd. He passed away in 2010, and I have to say that my birthday sucked! I stayed in bed all day, crying and laughing. He had Alzheimer's and we were able to move my parents in with us so we could help Mom, so he passed away here in my home. I don't think that I have stepped into the room very much, because of the memory of the day that he passed. Sometimes the pain is more than I think that I can handle, and then there are times that I am at peace knowing that he is no longer suffering. 

 

I have not been able to go to the funeral home and pick out his headstone. I finally admitted that to my daughters, that for me going and getting it done means that he is never coming back. Now, I know that he is not coming back, but this final act of death is just too much for me. I know that I need to do that, especially when I go to his gravesite and it is not marked.

 

I try not to think too much of his last day here because that is not what I want to remember. I want to remember the things we did together. Ice cream cones, going to the zoo, playing Uno, and trips to Disney World. I'm sorry I am rambling, I meant to try and offer you words of comfort. 

 

I wish I had the words to help you, but I don't. Just know that everyone in this group is in my prayers for God to grant His comfort and strength to help in the days, weeks, months and years to come.


He turned 58 on feb 14 and died on feb 20, 2010. He was living with me through January and some of february as he was in and out of the hospital. I made him go back to the hosp on the 15th of february because he needed constant meds for the infection that he had, what I was doing at home and a visiting nurse wasn't helping. Then again nothing helped..

 

I am sorry to hear about your dad. It is the worste pain in the world.. Some days I just want to crawl in a hole but I have my son and my husband to think about.
Elizabeth Trujillo Johnson said:

I feel a lot like you do, but the day my Dad died was Oct 18th and my birthday is Oct 23rd. He passed away in 2010, and I have to say that my birthday sucked! I stayed in bed all day, crying and laughing. He had Alzheimer's and we were able to move my parents in with us so we could help Mom, so he passed away here in my home. I don't think that I have stepped into the room very much, because of the memory of the day that he passed. Sometimes the pain is more than I think that I can handle, and then there are times that I am at peace knowing that he is no longer suffering. 

 

I have not been able to go to the funeral home and pick out his headstone. I finally admitted that to my daughters, that for me going and getting it done means that he is never coming back. Now, I know that he is not coming back, but this final act of death is just too much for me. I know that I need to do that, especially when I go to his gravesite and it is not marked.

 

I try not to think too much of his last day here because that is not what I want to remember. I want to remember the things we did together. Ice cream cones, going to the zoo, playing Uno, and trips to Disney World. I'm sorry I am rambling, I meant to try and offer you words of comfort. 

 

I wish I had the words to help you, but I don't. Just know that everyone in this group is in my prayers for God to grant His comfort and strength to help in the days, weeks, months and years to come.

Deanna:

 

We have something in common!  My mother passed away on February 20, 2010.  My father's birthday is February 19 and mine is February 21, and we lost her in between.  I would frankly, have been honored had she died on my birthday, the same day she brought me into the world 53 years ago.  She died of congestive heart failure at age 73, and the effects of the radiation that burned her lungs and heart 30 years earlier during her fight with breast cancer.  As we approach the one year anniversary of the death of our beloved parents, I wonder if like me, you are still stuck somewhere between the person you will never be again, and the one who hopes to rebuild your hopes and dreams someday.   I share your pain and wonder if the sun will ever shine so brightly again...Take care...Angie
deanna said:


He turned 58 on feb 14 and died on feb 20, 2010. He was living with me through January and some of february as he was in and out of the hospital. I made him go back to the hosp on the 15th of february because he needed constant meds for the infection that he had, what I was doing at home and a visiting nurse wasn't helping. Then again nothing helped..

 

I am sorry to hear about your dad. It is the worste pain in the world.. Some days I just want to crawl in a hole but I have my son and my husband to think about.
Elizabeth Trujillo Johnson said:

I feel a lot like you do, but the day my Dad died was Oct 18th and my birthday is Oct 23rd. He passed away in 2010, and I have to say that my birthday sucked! I stayed in bed all day, crying and laughing. He had Alzheimer's and we were able to move my parents in with us so we could help Mom, so he passed away here in my home. I don't think that I have stepped into the room very much, because of the memory of the day that he passed. Sometimes the pain is more than I think that I can handle, and then there are times that I am at peace knowing that he is no longer suffering. 

 

I have not been able to go to the funeral home and pick out his headstone. I finally admitted that to my daughters, that for me going and getting it done means that he is never coming back. Now, I know that he is not coming back, but this final act of death is just too much for me. I know that I need to do that, especially when I go to his gravesite and it is not marked.

 

I try not to think too much of his last day here because that is not what I want to remember. I want to remember the things we did together. Ice cream cones, going to the zoo, playing Uno, and trips to Disney World. I'm sorry I am rambling, I meant to try and offer you words of comfort. 

 

I wish I had the words to help you, but I don't. Just know that everyone in this group is in my prayers for God to grant His comfort and strength to help in the days, weeks, months and years to come.


Angie, We do very much have this in common. As the days get closer I beat myself up more. I often find I am always thinking about the should of's could of's, did or didn't. Bad thing that haunts me is the saturday the 20th my dad knowingly did the DNR - I got the drs for him as I knew his wishes long before he got so sick. I asked the drs to come and do the dnr - he knew the dates, his name what a dnr was, he still knew - we did the dnr and he died that night. If i didn't call the drs in for the dnr i wonder if he would be here.

Both my brother and father have the same birthdays as much as I worry about myself next week, I am more concerned for my brother as this will be the hardest birthday ever for him.

I am finding that there is no where for me to go talk about my dad around here. I talk to family but they immed change the subject don't let me vent, cry whatever.

You are right, we will never be the same again. My father died and took a very big important piece of me with him. I assured him I would be ok days before his death if he died. I made a promise to him I would be ok and well I am not.
Angie said:

Deanna:

 

We have something in common!  My mother passed away on February 20, 2010.  My father's birthday is February 19 and mine is February 21, and we lost her in between.  I would frankly, have been honored had she died on my birthday, the same day she brought me into the world 53 years ago.  She died of congestive heart failure at age 73, and the effects of the radiation that burned her lungs and heart 30 years earlier during her fight with breast cancer.  As we approach the one year anniversary of the death of our beloved parents, I wonder if like me, you are still stuck somewhere between the person you will never be again, and the one who hopes to rebuild your hopes and dreams someday.   I share your pain and wonder if the sun will ever shine so brightly again...Take care...Angie
deanna said:


He turned 58 on feb 14 and died on feb 20, 2010. He was living with me through January and some of february as he was in and out of the hospital. I made him go back to the hosp on the 15th of february because he needed constant meds for the infection that he had, what I was doing at home and a visiting nurse wasn't helping. Then again nothing helped..

 

I am sorry to hear about your dad. It is the worste pain in the world.. Some days I just want to crawl in a hole but I have my son and my husband to think about.
Elizabeth Trujillo Johnson said:

I feel a lot like you do, but the day my Dad died was Oct 18th and my birthday is Oct 23rd. He passed away in 2010, and I have to say that my birthday sucked! I stayed in bed all day, crying and laughing. He had Alzheimer's and we were able to move my parents in with us so we could help Mom, so he passed away here in my home. I don't think that I have stepped into the room very much, because of the memory of the day that he passed. Sometimes the pain is more than I think that I can handle, and then there are times that I am at peace knowing that he is no longer suffering. 

 

I have not been able to go to the funeral home and pick out his headstone. I finally admitted that to my daughters, that for me going and getting it done means that he is never coming back. Now, I know that he is not coming back, but this final act of death is just too much for me. I know that I need to do that, especially when I go to his gravesite and it is not marked.

 

I try not to think too much of his last day here because that is not what I want to remember. I want to remember the things we did together. Ice cream cones, going to the zoo, playing Uno, and trips to Disney World. I'm sorry I am rambling, I meant to try and offer you words of comfort. 

 

I wish I had the words to help you, but I don't. Just know that everyone in this group is in my prayers for God to grant His comfort and strength to help in the days, weeks, months and years to come.


Angie, We do very much have this in common. As the days get closer I beat myself up more. I often find I am always thinking about the should of's could of's, did or didn't. Bad thing that haunts me is the saturday the 20th my dad knowingly did the DNR - I got the drs for him as I knew his wishes long before he got so sick. I asked the drs to come and do the dnr - he knew the dates, his name what a dnr was, he still knew - we did the dnr and he died that night. If i didn't call the drs in for the dnr i wonder if he would be here.

Both my brother and father have the same birthdays as much as I worry about myself next week, I am more concerned for my brother as this will be the hardest birthday ever for him.

I am finding that there is no where for me to go talk about my dad around here. I talk to family but they immed change the subject don't let me vent, cry whatever.

You are right, we will never be the same again. My father died and took a very big important piece of me with him. I assured him I would be ok days before his death if he died. I made a promise to him I would be ok and well I am not.
Angie said:

Deanna:

 

We have something in common!  My mother passed away on February 20, 2010.  My father's birthday is February 19 and mine is February 21, and we lost her in between.  I would frankly, have been honored had she died on my birthday, the same day she brought me into the world 53 years ago.  She died of congestive heart failure at age 73, and the effects of the radiation that burned her lungs and heart 30 years earlier during her fight with breast cancer.  As we approach the one year anniversary of the death of our beloved parents, I wonder if like me, you are still stuck somewhere between the person you will never be again, and the one who hopes to rebuild your hopes and dreams someday.   I share your pain and wonder if the sun will ever shine so brightly again...Take care...Angie
deanna said:


He turned 58 on feb 14 and died on feb 20, 2010. He was living with me through January and some of february as he was in and out of the hospital. I made him go back to the hosp on the 15th of february because he needed constant meds for the infection that he had, what I was doing at home and a visiting nurse wasn't helping. Then again nothing helped..

 

I am sorry to hear about your dad. It is the worste pain in the world.. Some days I just want to crawl in a hole but I have my son and my husband to think about.
Elizabeth Trujillo Johnson said:

I feel a lot like you do, but the day my Dad died was Oct 18th and my birthday is Oct 23rd. He passed away in 2010, and I have to say that my birthday sucked! I stayed in bed all day, crying and laughing. He had Alzheimer's and we were able to move my parents in with us so we could help Mom, so he passed away here in my home. I don't think that I have stepped into the room very much, because of the memory of the day that he passed. Sometimes the pain is more than I think that I can handle, and then there are times that I am at peace knowing that he is no longer suffering. 

 

I have not been able to go to the funeral home and pick out his headstone. I finally admitted that to my daughters, that for me going and getting it done means that he is never coming back. Now, I know that he is not coming back, but this final act of death is just too much for me. I know that I need to do that, especially when I go to his gravesite and it is not marked.

 

I try not to think too much of his last day here because that is not what I want to remember. I want to remember the things we did together. Ice cream cones, going to the zoo, playing Uno, and trips to Disney World. I'm sorry I am rambling, I meant to try and offer you words of comfort. 

 

I wish I had the words to help you, but I don't. Just know that everyone in this group is in my prayers for God to grant His comfort and strength to help in the days, weeks, months and years to come.

Deanna:  I understand your frustration and sadness at feeling like there is often no one to talk to. As time goes by, people act like you should have recovered (absurd) or "moved on".  Of course, these are usually the people that have never lost anyone close to them; especially a parent.   But sometimes even those close to us can't comfort us.  Grief is a lonely, solitary journey....this I know.  It sounds like you are second-guessing your actions on the day your father died, and I think that is part of the pain and regret.  For months, my family analyzed and second-guessed the decisions made during my mother's illness and decline. Should she have gotten a pacemaker first? Should she have waited to have open heart surgery?  Could we have taken her to another hospital?  Why didn't we know how sick she was before it was too late to save her?  My mother was extremely stubborn and fought until the end to die the way she wanted.  Somedays she refused her medication and  declined procedures that could have extended her life.  It sounds like your father felt strongly about the DNR, and it was, as I am sure you realize, his body, his life, his decision.  You helped him by telling him that it was okay to go, and I did the same for my mother.  Even though watching someone we love take their last breath is haunting, I would not trade the experience for anything in the world.   Ultimately, we have to forgive ourselves and make peace with reality...that is an ongoing process, and you are smack in the middle of it.  I understand, and hope you will keep writing your feelings here.... 


Angie, You post made me cry. Everything you said is so true. Here is my story with dad.

He had 3 heart attacks back in 2001 (he lived in florida) I rushed down there he signed himself out of hte hospital. that is where it all started. He eventually moved back up here and was immed put on dialysis how the drs missed this is florida is unreal but they did, he had heart attacks because of the fluid retension in his body because his kidneys weren't working.

Eventually we tried to get him on the organ donor list, however through the testing process 1/2 of his heart stopped functioning and he needed a pacemaker/difibulator, got that.

Was on dialysis for years, at the end of 2009 he deteriated big time. december 22, 2009 he fell & broke his ankle where he was living & blamed me for it. He stayed in the hosp for a few days. (he was not with us for what we didn't know would be his last christmas). after a few days in the hosp, he was sent to a facility b/cause he couldn't walk with this big cast on his leg. he was there for a few days. while he was there (and initially at the 1st hosp) he developed ulcers on his feet, (both) we didn't know the 1 because the cast was on and that could be why it was hurting so much. he had PVD, emphysema, congestive heart failure, renal failure.. In January we learned he had another blockage and needed a angio - as he would not survive a bypass, drs felt it would prolong his life for another 5-10 years. That was on I think it was January 17. while he was at that hosp for the angio,  asked the drs to bring someone in to look at his feet. next day I got a call he was being discharged, I freaked out. I had him come here. I tried to take care of him the best I could. I had transport picking him up and dropping him off. He was here before the angio for afew weeks. That night my son had me up all night so I didn't go with him at 5am to go for the procedure, but I did get there later that morning as I had this annoying feeling I had to get there. he got out, no one looked at his feet, I was on the phone with his regular drs for 1 week, got him to go back to the hosp for antibiotics that during dialysis wasn't doing the trick, well when it came time they wanted to send him to a facility to help him learn how to walk better and keep an eye on his sores he signed himself out. He developed MRSA within these open ulcers.. I watched him here at home and took care of him and his feet with a 2 year old home, I made him go back to the hosp. I gave him a birthday party on the 13th, his birthday was the 14th, I told  him about the 9th that he had no choice he was going back to the hosp. I was speaking to his drs everyday, discussing his issues, the visiting nurse couldn't do anymore than what she was and she said he needed to go back. Ended up in the long run, the ulcers were so bad he would lose his legs.. He informed me and the drs earlier that month that if that were the case he would stop dialysis. Well during the last week of my dads life (still on dialysis) we didn't learn until the night he died he would lose his legs. He was acting like he had a stroke, everytime I went to the hosp everyday I was calling the drs yelling at them. finally they called a neurologist in on the 20 (5 days after he was admitted). he thought it spread to his brain (the infec) or he had a stroke well later on that day was to be the catscan. I went to the hosp that morning talked with the drs, I left and came back. during the course of those few days, he tried smoking in the hosp rm, I had to fight with him to get him to stay on dialysis, he was talking gibberish, talking to no one, they eventually moved him closer to the nurses station (right outside the door)... that night I went back with a buzzer (cause a nice orderly said he would shave him cause he kept asking)... One thing I will never forget is him trying to open a soda can (the tab was broken but he didn't realize it) so I said, oh dad this soda is warm let me get you another one. got hime another, cut his food up, He yelled at me for cutting it up so small. I said sorry I am used to cutting for a toddler. I sat with him, dr came and told me he was going to lose his legs, we spoke with my dad and my dad kept saying I need to think about this. dr kept reminding him of his sound mind and body choice that he didn't want amputation. He kept insisting let him think about it.. The dr and I left the room as i was upset in general. I wonder if I should have made the dr leave as soon as he started reminding my father of his choice weeks earlier. dr and I stepped out, he told me that dad is no longer able to make his own choices, that they will abide by his original choice and I ultimately had the last say. I took a xanax and said I wanted a consult with all the drs right away, (that was to be monday the 22) I said goodbye to my father told him i loved him (while I was there I called my mother (they were separated 10 years already if not more) my brother to get someone there that things were not good.. No one came to be with me.. I left I got a phone call 3 hours later that he died... when I saw the hosp calling I thought he was just being an unruly patient..

 

I only left cause my husband had to go to work. if he didn't have to go that night I would have stayed alittle bit longer. It is almost like I killed him. My aunt says that is because dad didn't want me to have to sit and watch him die. as said did the dnr that day. Lots of things went on, too much to post..

I find those horrible memories still in my brain and they won't go away..

 

 

Angie said:

Deanna:  I understand your frustration and sadness at feeling like there is often no one to talk to. As time goes by, people act like you should have recovered (absurd) or "moved on".  Of course, these are usually the people that have never lost anyone close to them; especially a parent.   But sometimes even those close to us can't comfort us.  Grief is a lonely, solitary journey....this I know.  It sounds like you are second-guessing your actions on the day your father died, and I think that is part of the pain and regret.  For months, my family analyzed and second-guessed the decisions made during my mother's illness and decline. Should she have gotten a pacemaker first? Should she have waited to have open heart surgery?  Could we have taken her to another hospital?  Why didn't we know how sick she was before it was too late to save her?  My mother was extremely stubborn and fought until the end to die the way she wanted.  Somedays she refused her medication and  declined procedures that could have extended her life.  It sounds like your father felt strongly about the DNR, and it was, as I am sure you realize, his body, his life, his decision.  You helped him by telling him that it was okay to go, and I did the same for my mother.  Even though watching someone we love take their last breath is haunting, I would not trade the experience for anything in the world.   Ultimately, we have to forgive ourselves and make peace with reality...that is an ongoing process, and you are smack in the middle of it.  I understand, and hope you will keep writing your feelings here.... 

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