Tomorrow marks the 12th anniversary of my fathers death. And this year, like every other is a reminder that the pain still remains. I haven't participated in any online forum pertaining to this but I had a bad experience last week and I think I need to get it out. I have been seeing therapists and psychiatrists for quite some time, I have had mainly negative experiences but I keep going because I know at this point, there is nothing else I can do. However I was prescribed a medication to help (i've tried dozens) but I saw a new woman who thought it would be the best fit for my disorders. I just got drowsy at first but no bad reactions which I was grateful for. She told me to up the dose so by her instruction I did. What happen that day, I can barely recall. I went into a black out state and I can not remember a thing from that day. I was at work and took it at 11am before lunch, I remember getting lunch but nothing else. I woke up the next morning unaware of where I was or what  had happened. Trying to figure that out I went into my pocketbook and I found a stack of paper, I didn't know what it was. When I opened it the first line I saw what "Dear dad.." I freaked out and tossed the papers aside because I had no recollection of writing anything and I couldn't imagine what was in it. I finally read them yesterday and I cried. Id like to share it. Apparently these words came straight from my subconscious. I had a bad reaction to the drug that rendered me in a state that no one should go through. I have no memory of it but sadly even when I was in that state the memories of my father still remained, and came through in writing. I always write poems, its my thing and way to express my feelings I have hundreds of them but this one.. this hurt the most because I wasn't really there when I wrote it. It proved to me that even in a catatonic state my fathers death still haunts me. It is not my best work. It is scrambled thoughts, not all lines rhyme which irritate me but this was the result.

"Dear dad,

You left me 12 years ago.. 12 years.. and because of that my life my life has consisted of nothing but fears.

I struggle still everyday

Wondering why you let the addiction take you away.

I watched you drift further and further

and I wanted nothing more than to make you stay.

But instead my heart was filled with dread,

and thoughts of your last days still fill my head.

Why didn't I go up to see you/ why did I hesistate? / why?

for the last 12 years and for the rest of my life I will always question WHY

If I went up there, would you still be here?

Could I have prolonged your presence there with me?

Could you ever have stopped the drinking to be free?

Would it have mattered or made a difference?

Why wasn't I enough for you to go the distance?

Dad do you hear all these questions?

Did you think of what would happen to me?/

the heart break? the depression?

When you put that bottle to your mouth..

did you have any doubt?

Did I ever cross your mind?

or did the buzz surrender you blind?

Could you see your world falling apart?

Could you see your addiction was breaking your families heart?

Dad did you ever think if your little girl would be okay?

Did you ever wonder what shed be like without you?

Dad I picked up where you left off

I put that bottle to my mouth to simply find the truth.

.. since it was the last memory I had of you.

Why was it more important than seeing your baby grow.

I guess now neither of us will ever know

Do you see me struggle with out you?

do you see it? do you see my rage? do you see my fits?

I live a double life now dad

I put on a smile// just for a little while

then when I am alone, my smile fades and my happiness gets disowned

Can you see what you have done?

But can you see I still love you more than anyone?

I hate what you did and I hate that I didn't have the strength to pull through.

Because after all this time, my heart still belongs to you.

at the end I wasn't looking at you, you were so weark I was able to see through.

The last time I was in your arms was right after a huge fight

but you were persistent in lying and made me falter for one last hug that night.

Did you know it would be the last time you saw me?

is that why you begged me for a plea?

asking for forgiveness but blatenly lying to my face?

thinking somehow it would magically be erased?

did you even feel my embrace?

Im glad the alcohol warmed your heart. Im miserable because you WATCHED me fall apart.

I couldn't save you, my voice had no reasoning,

the grave you began to dig was deepening.

I stood on the side and watched one last time

you letting me know everything would be just fine

I held your hand and felt the warmth but your eyes were cold

you suddenly began to look way too old

your eyes were glass and time did not seem to pass

I think you knew truly how I felt, because you told me not to dwell

That last time I saw the vodka and witnessed you finally begin to falter

it was like I wasn't even there or you just began not to care

I thought... the devil was once an angel, becareful who you trust.

Dad this was not the way it was supposed to be, it was supposed to be you mom and me.

You left a mess than can not be fixed

that's why my thoughts and nightmares are always mixed

I understand now why you took your last bow

but I will always wonder how.

I TOLD YOU, I BEGGED YOU, YOU KNEW!

but you had no strength left to pull through

12 years and I can still remember the day the devil took you away

God reached out and took your hand

you left me here knowing  I would never understand

Can you see how much ive needed you

but all I can remember is at the funeral home your hands were blue

there went the warmth and my superman

part of my heart was forever stolen.

I graduated and I went to college but you may or may not have gotten to see

but I hope you know you broke your promise to me

I will walk alone down the aisle and you wont be able to hold my first child

How was that last sip dad?

Was it the best you had ever had?

What was the last thought you had in your mind?

was it any of the people you were about to leave behind?

Good riddance to that pain, dad did you die in vain?

Im sorry again that I couldn't save you, Im sorry dad I wish I knew

Im sorry the addiction took over, I hate that we will never have closure.

12 years... left with nothing but fears.

last question. was it worth it?"

Time has yet to heal my wounds but I really hope that it begins to soon. Its too much to bare. I think the reason I cant get over it is because he truly was a remarkable person with so much love and kindness in his heart. I feel guilty that I let this take over my life, and a part of me still feels like im to blame even though im not. its just hard to push through that. Thank you all for letting me vent.

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Replies to This Discussion

I am so sorry for your deep sorrow.  Few things in life will ever affect you more deeply than the death of a parent.  Not only do you have to endure the intense pain of loss but you are also left to face a future that is quite different from what you had expected.

It is obvious that you had hoped that your dad would be there when you finally got a driver’s license or graduated from school or that he would share in the joy of your wedding day. Now these hopes have been shattered, leaving you  frustrated, guilty and angry even after all those years. You are not alone. Death affects each person differently. Indeed, the Bible says that “each one” has “his own plague and his own pain.” (2 Chronicles 6:29) Because not everyone copes with feelings of guilt, anger and sorrow the same, you torture yourself with “if onlys.” ‘If only I had urged Dad to stop”.   When those thoughts plague you, remember this: It’s normal to feel regret over things you wish you had done differently. The fact is, you would have done things differently had you known what would happen. But you did not know. Therefore, guilt is inappropriate. Please know that you are not responsible for your father’s death.  Although your emotions are still raw writing them down as you do is your own form of dealing with it...

Grieving is not an overnight process. “It’s not as though you just get over it“ I have my days when I just cry myself to sleep thinking about my mom and the times I could have helped her.. Other times, I try to focus, not on my loss, but on the promises God has in store for me to enjoy with my mom in Paradise.  The Bible assures us that in the Paradise, “death will be no more, neither will mourning nor outcry nor pain be anymore.” (Revelation 21:3, 4) You too may find that meditating on such promises will help you to cope with the loss of your dad...

 

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