Tips for grieving a beloved father

My Dad passed away on Sept. 9th, 2012. I'm interested in tips or what helped any of you grieve. Attached is a photo of the kind, dear, generous man he was.

Right now I have few regrets except that I wished I had recorded his long slow drawl telling rambling stories (he had so many), or taken a few significant recent pictures. He and I were very very close, he was my safe person, a comfort, a joy, my friend. It has been my greatest fear to lose him. I had dreams in the months preceding about his death, and peaceful conversations with him about his death, which was a sort of preparation, but it's still heartbreaking.

I have much to be thankful of, but would also like your comfort, advice and suggestions. Thank you all.

Recommend

3 members like this

Attachments:

Dad closeup 2010 2.jpg, 183 KB

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Theresa LaSalle on September 15, 2012 at 5:34pm

RJ,

My mom passed away December 25, 2010. I don't know how to grieve. I do like that you have said you have few regrets and your dad's photo is just great. I have regrets and when I do....I think of my own sons and how I would never want them to have regrets when I leave this earth. I want them to love life as that would be the best honor they can give me. Therefore, when I think that about them, I then realize that's what my mom Vicky would want for me..and that helps me through the grief...and I just realized my reply to you is helping me through my grief as I write this. So RJ...you helped me and I didn't even realize it....I hope somehow I have helped you.

Be good to yourself.

Theresa

Permalink Reply by RJ on September 15, 2012 at 6:15pm

Theresa,

Oh I'm so glad my post, and your thoughtful answer, was a help to you, it is certainly a comfort to me. That's exactly how my Dad would have felt. He wanted us to celebrate his passing because he was so at peace about it--he had a strong faith and was really looking forward to being with the Lord. And he cared for us so lovingly, he would want to see his efforts matter in leading us to move forward into our own rich lives. I'm sure that's what your Mom Vicky would be blessed to know/see as well. So, let us shall we? despite our moments. I'm glad to find this group here and thank you for your quick response.

Permalink Reply by Theresa LaSalle on September 15, 2012 at 6:20pm

Oh RJ..So glad I gave some comfort to you.

Yes...we shall...despite our moments...live richly...honoring your dad and my mom and for ourselves and our families.

Be good to yourself.

and here for you.

Thresa

Permalink Reply by Michelle D on September 15, 2012 at 8:24pm

R.J.,

I read your post and so much of what u said resonates in me. My father passed away suddenly in June, 2010 from complications from a typical triple bypass. What we later found out was he experienced an Aortic Dissection, exactly what John Ritter died of. It was a terrible time for my family...My dad was always the rock, the provider , and my best friend. I never went a day without calling every morning and suddenly, he wasn't there. Soon after his death, I really tried hard to hold it together. I am married with 2 kids under 15 and they really needed me. But, I couldn't quite utilize the outpouring of sympathy from my friends and family-just shut down. It took me a while to finally realize that after 1 year after his passing, I was still grieving heavily! So, I took my sister(7 years younger and i was 43 at the time) to finally buck up and go to grief counseling at Hospice of Cincinnati. I don't know where you live, but I can DEFINITELY recommend this to you. It helped me get past the grief and the dark times and really helped me celebrate his life. This is a FREE service Hospice provides and we joined a group specifically tailored to sudden death of a parent (and there are other groups to choose from). 8 week course, every Thursday for one hour...REALLY MADE A DIFFERENCE in my life...I think that when u are ready, you should look into these services and take advantage. Like I said, it took me over 1 YEAR to finally come to grips with his passing; now I needed the skills to move on. Not everyone needs counseling...my Husband lost his Dad 2 years before mine and was sick for a long time, I think he expected it. But, for me, even after that event with my Husband, I couldn't imagine life without my Dad. And then suddenly I am faced with it. So, I guess what I am trying to say---is take your time to process and don't rush....You will find your inner strength and proceed in a way you see fit! Not everyone has a great parent...and when you lose the best of the best, it is extremely difficult to comprehend. Hang in there and let me know if you need some words of encouragement throughout your struggle... I promise, it WILL get better...I was so wary of those words, but they are so TRUE! Take care,

Michelle-Cincinnati

Permalink Reply by Michelle Joyce on September 15, 2012 at 9:08pm

RJ I am really sorry for the recent loss of your father. I lost my Dad on May 5 suddenly an abdominal aneurysm. Unfortunately I was the one to find him in his home. It was terrible. It sounds like your wishing you had done more, recorded more etc. and that is so understandable. I just completed cleaning out my Dad's house and I just kept searching for something anything that I could read or see that would make me feel better. I am saddened that I couldn't say good bye and he died alone. That I think is the worse for me. I am seeking counseling which really is helping me. I highly recommend it. I am trying not to be hard on myself to speed up greiving and getting on with things. I just can't. I miss him. Got home from vacation last night and I always called him first thing to tell him I was home safe and I just sobbed. It sucks. I am glad that I found this place tonight. I need to know there are others who are suffering and sad and in pain with their loss. I am happy you had a wonderful relationship with you Dad. I however didn't for a large part of my life because of his alcoholism but thanksful he was dry for the last 6 years and we got closer to each other and spent time together. I feel jipped of the good times and wanted more. It was a tease but yet I know it was better to have had it than not.

My advice is to cry when you neeed to cry,, laugh at the happy memories. know that you were a good person to him and he loved you very much I am sure. That can't be taken away. Just his body not his soul. We will heal and feel better in time and I am not putting "a year" on it. I will finish and accept when I do. Find time to be happy and do things and greive and be peaceful other times. I wish you nothing but the best. It sure does hurt. Never did I ever expect to feel this way.

Fortunately I did a lot of therapy in the past and had forgiven him for his drinking so that I am not

angry about the past.

Please take care

Michelle

Permalink Reply by RJ on September 17, 2012 at 2:22pm

thank you so much all you ladies. Thank you for sharing with me about your loved ones, and your feelings. I'm encouraged by that, it helps me to have less fear about actually letting myself feel all my feelings. If I take one day at a time whatever comes, then it seems more doable.

I went for a grief counseling session. Yes, it was very helpful! I will look for a group. There is one that starts in October.

I had postponed my wedding to Michael my fiance, in July, due to my own illness (I was diagnosed with a rare genetic blood disorder in January. Dad would take me to all my plasma infusions.) Dad was going to walk me down the isle. We're going to have a small ceremony in October. I have no idea how I will feel that day.

I've been busy with my Mom and brother planning the memorial, wrote my eulogy last night--I'll be speaking at the service. It may be hard but I want to do it.

Your words were so perfectly comforting.

Permalink Reply by Theresa LaSalle on September 17, 2012 at 2:29pm

Kisses and Hugs to you.

Theresa

Permalink Reply by Natasha on September 18, 2012 at 10:20pm

Hey RJ

I lost my mom suddenly at the end of July and she was my bestfriend, totally unexpected to find her passed away when I had been sitting with her 2 hours before.

For the first 3-4 weeks I shut down, I cried and wrote in a journal, and cried and slept, and cried...you get the picture. I barely remember much of what happened the first month, everything moves so fast and so slow.

What helped me most was the writing, I got a grief journal and write whatever thoughts pop into my head. I've read a ton of grief books since my mom passed as well, it helps to know you aren't alone and you aren't crazy. I also make sure I talk to friends, siblings or my fiance whenever I need an ear. Whatever you do, make sure you let out all your emotions, don't block them.

Big hugs

Permalink Reply by RJ on September 19, 2012 at 1:58pm

Thank you Natasha, and all who have written in to help.

I have another question, when did you realize your loved one was truly "gone" from your life?

Also, I'm experiencing the feeling of "I can't imagine the rest of my life without him". Like I said, I can feel him with me in my heart, yet I have this thought brewing below the surface.

Comfort and blessings to you all.

Permalink Reply by Natasha on September 19, 2012 at 2:00pm

I think every day you do something, or something happens and you realize they are truly gone. I don't think it all happens at once, it's when you want to talk to them or when you want to ask them advice. I find new things happen daily that makes me realize my mom is "gone" from the life we knew it but you can still talk to them in your head or on paper.

Permalink Reply by TRACY BAGLEY on September 23, 2012 at 12:45pm

all I can say is that is the best idea I have evr heard and wish i had thought of something like that when my sister and mother kept me from my Dad and I got an awful phone call hallowwen night he was going to die and didnt even know he was there, his advanced prostate had gone into flesh eating. He passed Nov 3,2011 very peacefully and i was the only one there. A goft fro God. Halloween is really becoming upsetting right now and i have been sick for the last week. You have a great idea.

Permalink Reply by TRACY BAGLEY on September 23, 2012 at 12:49pm

I have the same thing and cant get past what was robbed of me.my time with him because of a decision i made for my disabled daughter my mother did not like. My thing is I feel like he is drifting away from me and oh that hurts

RJ said:

Thank you Natasha, and all who have written in to help.

I have another question, when did you realize your loved one was truly "gone" from your life?

Also, I'm experiencing the feeling of "I can't imagine the rest of my life without him". Like I said, I can feel him with me in my heart, yet I have this thought brewing below the surface.

Comfort and blessings to you all.