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loss of a parent

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Time is not healing loss of my best friend, my mum

Started by Lynda Baron. Last reply by Louise Hayes Jun 21, 2018. 9 Replies

My Story

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Family secrets cloud the grief

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Comment by Melinda CANDACE Guinn on October 12, 2012 at 2:27pm

I lost my Mom Feb 2010. Two months later I lost my only child, Candace Rae Watson, who had just turned 30 yrs old. She has a husband and they have 3 little girls who were 8, 7 and 2 yrs old at the time. It went from bad to worse for me. 

Comment by Melinda CANDACE Guinn on October 12, 2012 at 2:21pm

I lost my Mom February of 2012. She was 80 yrs old. She passed from throat Cancer. She tried to quit smoking, but after smoking most of her life it was too difficult for her. She entered a hospice at the end. My older sister quit smoking after my Mom's diagnosis. My sister was so stressed out while visiting our Mom at the hospice she really needed a cigarette. She asked a lady for one and the cigarette she was offered was the same kind our Mom used to smoke. This freaked her out and she said "thanks, but never mind". I think that person was put there by God to give my sister the extra push she needed to quit smoking! All of our Mom's are ok, they're in a different dimension when their earthly bodies died. Their spirit's are in another dimensuin right by us. That's what I believe.

Comment by Beth Rad on October 10, 2012 at 11:35am

Thank you Lyssa--I can just hear Dr. Phil in my head saying those words and I would have to agree with him.  Of course that does not mean that we should not feel the feelings we have following a loss.  s l watson--our mother's sound very much alike.  My mom was not the cooking baking kind.  She always said that she would never tie her children to her apron strings.  She made us both very independent.  My mom was always a planner (a trait I come by honestly).  She had a great advance directive (thanks to Kaiser, her HMO, we had it in place a few years ago).  She also had planned and paid for her funeral (she has been cremated and we will be taking her ashes out on the ocean next Friday and scatter her off of the Marin coast so she "can visit all the places that she always wanted to go"  My brother and I are planning a celebration of her life for that afternoon for her friends.  Providing the living will is an act of love, and following her directive is also an act of love. I think our mother's give us permission to let them go.  My brother and his family all moved 2000 miles away this summer, leaving me and my husband here to take care of my mom.  I was really angry with him (we move here to be close to him, as did my mom).  It bothered my mom that I was angry at him (although I told her that while I was angry it didn't mean that I loved him any less and that the anger would go away.  When she was in the ER I called him and told him he need to come, which he did.  She was aware that he came to visit and I think that it comforted her to see us working together to make the most approriate decisions for her.  12 hours after my brother left to go back home, she started her final decline.  I think she realized it would be OK to leave.  I told her it was OK to go, that she didn't have to fight this fight to recover if she didn't want to.  She died 31 hours after my brother left.  When I went to her house the next day and sat in her chair, I was looking through all of her notes to herself.  I found one that said "Program  1.  Heal riff between Beth and Allen"  I think she knew that there was no riff and it was OK to go.  My husband and I just returned from a trip and going through the mail I found the letter from the coroner ruling her death as accidental.

Comment by s l watson on October 9, 2012 at 11:14pm

Thanks Lyssa.  It does make me pause to think of all the kind and loving things Mama did for us.  She would not want us to be burdened with grief.  That was her reason for doing an advanced directive.  I just wish we had not be placed in the position to act on it.  But she was strong and raised her two girls to also be strong.  We did as she requested.  So I do indeed need to find a more appropriate legacy for her. Thanks.

Comment by Lyssa White on October 9, 2012 at 3:09pm

I rarely have the opportunity, (or the desire truth be told), to watch Dr. Phil but I left the TV on while doing chores in the other room & I just happened to hear him talking about grief.  I don't know if these words will help anyone else, but I had to sit down for a minute when I heard them.  I'm paraphrasing what he said: It would be such a shame if (name's) only legacy is the pain you are suffering.  I lost my mother in December 2010 and since then, I'm noticing that when the weather turns cool & the leaves begin to fall, I start really dreading the anniversary of that event - not that the pain is ever that far away the rest of the year.  Words don't always help I know, but I found comfort, (and something to think about), in what Dr. Phil told his guest today. I hope some of y'all do, too.

Comment by Colleen Pasay on October 8, 2012 at 11:25am

Missing you Dad this Thanksgiving Day. 

Comment by s l watson on October 8, 2012 at 7:56am

Girls, thanks for the kind words.  I do occasionally feel like I'll have to answer for the actions that took my Mom's life.  We withheld hydration to speed her death and I believe that is what bothers me most.  I wish we had made every effort to sustain her life and if she passed anyway, it was the will of God not my sister and I.  But we did act as she directed us to act and as she told us many times when her mind was alert.  One of the things I was compelled to do toward the end was whisper in her ear when she and I were alone.  She was not always a loving and kind mother and I told her this but I also forgave her because even though she didn't tell me she loved me or physically show her love, she demonstrated it by doing loving things.  She was raised by a hard woman and she was just like her mother.  The depression scarred her and I know she just wanted to make me independent and strong, which she successfully did.  I also told her that I admit I was not always the compassionate, caring daughter I should have been and I prayed for her forgiveness in that regard.  I believe we found a peaceful place between us at the end of her life and for that I'm thankful.  I'm also thankful for people who share my feelings and give me support in my grief struggles. 

Comment by Beth Rad on October 8, 2012 at 2:14am
s l Watson I just read your post and Lora's and it breaks my heart to see the pain you are in because of the guilt. I know how easy it is to go there. While my mom did have a very good advance directive, I had to make the decision on whether or not to put her through surgery to repair her hip. I felt that I had to give her the chance to recover her mobility if she chose to. I couldn't ask her because she was out of it from the pain medication. It is a difficult position to be in but I know that I acted out of love and in her best interests. I didn't want her to suffer. Once her organs started to shut down, we only provided comfort care so that her passing was peaceful, which it was. My husband and I were there holding her hand as she left. The reality is that we will lose our parents at some point and it will probably not happen the way we want it too. I believe we do the best that we can, but we do not have the power to change the outcome. Loving care is a great gift-so many people do not have that at all. Both a hospice nurse and the director of the assisted living facility told me that only about 30% of adult children participate in care giving and health decisions. Our mothers were fortunate to have children that cared for them and watched over them. I know my mom would not want me to agonize over her last days and any feelings of guilt. She would forgive me my shortcomings, much harder to forgive myself.
Comment by Sandra E. Byrd on October 7, 2012 at 10:44pm
I lost my mom just over 1 year ago. She required complete care for the 3 yrs before she died.Mostly by me. A few years ago I asked her what her plans were regarding where she wished to live for her remaining years.She said I want to leave here feet first .Her home with my dad since 1957. I was able to honor that wish and that gives me the greatest sense of satisfaction when I think of her final days.no feeding tube per her living will. I couldn't help her get better or have any quality of life so I try not to think of the sad details we endured the last few days. I rest in knowing that God knows my heart.I loved her and still do. I place smiling photos of her where I often see them.
Comment by Lora Wallace on October 7, 2012 at 10:17pm
I am going through exactly what s l Watson is going through. I lost my mom 1 1/2 years ago. After a fall at my house she died 3 months later after in and out of ICU and convalescent hospitals. It was Terrible. The things and operations that they put my mom through were horrible. I finally said enough and let her go. I have to keep it out of my mind or i cry and become very depressed. Someone at work is going through it now and it brings back all the pain and memories.. I still feel like a murderer. I know The Lord forgives all, but I feel like I will be stopped at the Gates of Heaven. I wish I could forgive myself. The pain was better but lately it is back. How is it with others after a year?
 

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