When does the hurting get better? My brother died just over 3 months ago. I don't find the pain getting better- it is worse and it hurts deeper. I thought daily life would pull me out of being sad all the time but all it does is bring up thoughts about how big a hole he left. I hurt so bad some days I don't know what to do with myself. I can only take in so much hurt. I put away every picture and all the stuff that reminds me of him for now. I used to love singing at church but I went back to church for the first time a couple weeks ago and found out, I can't sing any of the songs there. It hurts too much. Evenings and early in the morning are the most difficult times. I wake up many times at 2 in the morning with thoughts about all of this just running through my head and in the evening I find myself leaving the house to just window shop to distract myself from feeling so bad. I used to pray. I still do. But not about this. The only answer I want is one I will never get so why bother? He is not coming back and no one is going to pop up with a satisfactory answer as to why. The good days are the days I can actually cry about it- which is rare. Most days it hurts to deep to cry. Hanging out with my friends is a chore. Running- I used to love it. but it makes me sad now because before, whenever I ran a new trail I would think about how to get him up here with me to run it and how much he would love that trail. At what point does this start easing up? Also, is it normal after something like this to get really anxious when facing a situation I haven't had to deal with or a setting I haven't been in since his death? I don't know why I get so anxious- but sometimes it gets so bad I can't breath. And is it normal to find myself becoming unreasonably, extraordinarily angry about some of the stupidest things- like, for example, the customer service rep who refused to remove a $5 late fee when I told her I forgot about paying the bill because I was busy dealing with my brothers death? Normally, I would let that go. I mean- what- it's $5? Who cares. This time, I couldn't let it go. It ruined my whole afternoon. I was so angry , I completely gave up all my plans and went back home and could think of nothing else for the rest of the day. ?!In fact, just reflecting back, I can feel myself getting mad. What is going on? I've never lost someone this close to me before and I just don't know if this is something that will pass eventually or if I'm just losing it. I would appreciate some feedback.
Al, 3 mos is so fresh on this journey of grief. I think that at first our body goes into kind of shock and in a few mos we start waking up to life without our loved one. This is something I found to be true 14 yrs ago when our grandson died. There are so many emotions with grief and yep, anger is one of them as well as the anxiety you are feeling. My brother died here at my home Nov 7, 2011. My heart was broken with his death. It was sudden with a cancer diagnosis Oct 13 and death Nov 7.
It wasn't the $5 you were angry over.....it was the idea that your brother's death didn't matter to the service rep. I can remember hearing music on a car radio really loud as I left the funeral home and being very upset with them....how could they just go on with their lives when my life was so devastated.
Church...keep going....keep singing even to yourself...even when you don't feel like it. Angry with God.....tell him so...tell him outloud. I did.....I went to church a couple months after our grandson died and left in the middle of our song service thinking to myself..."I don't want to worship You!". I drove to cemetary and stood at Parker's grave and screamed at God how angry I was with him. I read the book "Confessions of a Grieving Christian" by Zig Ziglar....excellent book on grief.
I didn't get angry with God after Giles died.....I think for one thing because Giles was saved and baptised here in my home before his death.....or maybe it was because of being angry with him after Parker died.
Pray......no you won't get your brother back but pray for your own peace of heart...for you own strength.
One more word of advice...talk about your brother. Talking about my losses helped me a lot....sometimes talking about fond memories....sometimes about the pain....sometimes with tears and sometimes with laughter. My brother and I rode horses together....I don't ride any more due to getting thrown and breaking some bones but I think if I did I would enjoy doing it and enjoy the memories of our rides.
I am very sorry for your loss and the pain you are dealing with.
Prayers are with you
3 months is such a brief period to deal with the most shocking and life-changing event in our lives!!! For about 6 months, I was just going through the motions walking, breathing, and paying bills and not 'wanting' to be other people. However, I had every right to be angry....My baby sister was gone and your going to give me a "hard time". It's GRIEF!!!
Friends don't know how to handle it, unless they have been through the loss of a sibling.
So sometimes its uncomfortable, well most of the time. Keep writing here, that was my outlet...because the people here know the pain associated with what you are going through.
You will get stronger, i know those are just words and I'm sure you have heard them...BUT they are true!! I have read somewhere losing somone close is like a spotlight in your eyes all the time. In time, the spotlight fades and we are able to live, even with the spotligh still there. Our focus shifts...easier said than done!!!
I share your feelings. I lost my sister at 41 years old on September 18 of this year to lung cancer; she never smoked a day in her life. She found out she had cancer two weeks prior; the other two weeks she was being treated for pneumonia. We were best friends. It hurts my heart so bad! What hurts more is people telling me "it will get better". I, like you, also get aggravated at the smallest things now. I don't enjoy people texting me all day telling me they are praying for my family; I just wish they would pray and not text all day. I am in a bad mood.. to top it off, people feel as if I can just go back to teaching in my state of my mind. I am praying for you, as I also continue to pray for patience, wisdom, and understanding.. Be Blessed...
3 months is still very fresh. I felt like that when I lost my little brother. I was told that it will be very very hard in the next few months, and it was true. I go to sleep and wake up with him on my mind. I couldn't sleep so I had to take sleeping pills. It went on to the point where I couldn't stand it anymore and felt so lost that I went to therapy. It helped a little. I started to keep myself busy by doing cross stitches. I began to love just counting holes for my stitches. That helped me a lot. It's been 2 years and it's easier now, but I still avoid looking at his pictures or listen to anything that will remind me of him. It will get eaiser, but I dont think it will ever go away. I feel like my life is incomplete now, like I lost a piece of my body/soul forever. I want to let you know that you are not the only one going through this. *hugs* I hope you will find hobbies to keep you busy. Like I always tell myself, I will see him again one day.
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother to suicide in February 2013. I can say it is finally starting to get easier, it started around the 9 month mark. I too thought by 4 or 5 months I would be feeling better than I was by I was feeling worse. I think the shock had worn off and the reality had set in, I would never speak or see him alive again. It was overwhelming and all encompassing. It felt likes waves crashing over me and every time I thought I might be okay and that I might be able to breath there came another one and it pushed me under again. I know for me the one thing that did help is that I became active with the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. I did their Out of the Darkness walk and was the #1 fundraiser in my walk. I am about 6 months ahead of you in this process, I'm not saying that I'm a role model or anything but I can say it does start to ease. You will start to have a good hour or a good morning/afternoon followed by a good day and so on. Believe they are really spread out in the beginning but atleast you get them. Oh and yes you are normal with your feelings. I was afraid of the same things .
Thanks you Caryn. And very sad to hear about your brother. That makes my heart break for you. I have a new outlook on things since this happened and I sure wish I didn't. Now I hear people mention their daughter or brother or father having died and their heart is still broken years later and I realize now that I will never feel better about it, I think I just have to get used to it. It makes me hurt for everyone else going through this in a way I never could have understood before.
Its too new to you...Its like a 'new wound'....I felt the same way you do...2 yrs ago when my only brother died. it is true, time does heal...for me anyway. I never would have believed it 2 yrs ago though...the first yr I cried every single day..and cried myself to sleep at night. he was my only sibling..13 months older than I. I felt a part of me went with him. I am so much better...after the first year...and then the second year.WE have to keep living..for our family here on earth NOW....but give yourself time to mourn.....I dream about my brother a lot..used to scare the crap out of me...now I cherish those dreams...here if you need to talk....I can even talk about my brother Rick now without crying....most of the time anyway...you will be ok...its all normal in my opinion...
Many people say that one of the most difficult situations they have to face is the loss of a loved one. I am so sorry for the loss and pain that you are feeling. No two people grieve in precisely the same way. Some shed tears openly, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The Bible reports that David “wept bitterly” after the death of his son Amnon. (2 Samuel 13:36) Even Jesus “gave way to tears” when he saw the distress caused by the death of his friend Lazarus.—John 11:33-35.
Coming to terms with your sibling’s death will take time, and that’s understandable considering what has happened.
Be assured that “God is greater than our hearts and knows all things.” (1 John 3:20) He knows better than any human the factors and circumstances that may have contributed to your sibling’s distressed state. He also knows you—better than you know yourself. (Psalms 139:1-3) You can be confident that he understands what you are going through. When your grief seems overwhelming recall the words of Psalms 55:22, "Throw your burden on Jehovah, and he will sustain you. Never will he allow the rightteous one to fall."
Some comforting scriptures for you to ponder to get through today and the next may be:
Psalms 34:18, Psalms 22:24 and John 5:28&29
I pray that this information helps you and others to gain some comfort, as it has for me personally. Should you need more comfort, please feel free to visit www.jw.org.