Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Karen Liller on December 5, 2013 at 4:08pm

Hello Kimberly;

I am so sorry to learn of your loss.  It has been 28 days since we lost my sister Lisa who was 49.  I hope you get the answers to all of your questions about your sister.  My sister had a long battle (seven years) with islet cell cancer but she always believed she would live as did all of us.  We prayed so hard for a miracle but our pastor told us we did have miracles for seven years as normally individuals do not survive that long.  But right now we are suffering.  I hope you get through these holidays and there are brighter days ahead.

Best,

Karen

Permalink Reply by Christian R. on December 5, 2013 at 4:25pm

Kimberly, I am so sorry for your loss. I too lost my sister in October (she died on the 15th) she was only 21 years old and had her whole life ahead of her. I actually just found out yesterday what happened to her; she apparently was hanging out with some friends and took some methadone, not a lethal dose, but enough to cause her to pass out and then she had an asthma attack while she was unconscious. I feel better knowing what happened but at the same time I almost wish I didn't know. I don't feel anger at her yet, but I'm afraid that when the shock of her loss wears off them I will be upset with her for doing something so stupid and tearing herself away from me and my mom. I feel like my whole world has gone dark. I can't imagine living the rest of my life without her, but like you, I know I have to be strong....for my mom at least.

Permalink Reply by Caryn Hersh on December 5, 2013 at 4:42pm

I am so sorry for your loss. I know waiting for the ME's reports take forever, 12 weeks at least. I lost my brother in February, we too had to wait, but I knew it was a suicide, but they said it could've been accidental, so we had to wait for all the toxicology reports to show what was in his system, it was suicide. I too suffered from depression before this and this made it worse, I was recently diagnosed as bipolar 2, made sense its known to run in families and I always thought my brother was but never diagnosed.  If you feel that your sister's death wasn't accidental keep pushing for answers, don't back down.  Make them care, show them pictures of her alive, let them see her as a person  not just a victim. Your family has a right to have answers. If you can try to get into some type of therapy so your depression & anxiety don't get worse. You need to  take care of yourself, your sister wouldn't want you to fall apart, she would want to see you live.  I'm not saying you shouldn't be grieving because you should and you should take all the time you need to do it.  Cry, scream, whatever helps, but don't let yourself spiral into a deep depression.  I started getting that way, I recently got into therapy and it is helping. This site is also great, you can say anything without being judged. People can relate to how you are feeling. It is comforting, but it is the one club I never wanted to be in.

Permalink Reply by Kaitie on December 5, 2013 at 6:35pm

Hi Kimberly, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my sister July 12, 2012 unexpectedly - later to find out from autopsy it was an pulmonary embolism- and im still dealing with the same thing's  as you. I will not say it get's easier as time goes on because for me at least it hasn't. Even more so with holidays here. I did not have much time with my sister, she was 22 and im 24, but i know that sisterly bond and how it hurts to have her pass suddenly and to not have that anymore. If you need to talk please feel free to msg me anytime. I am truly sorry for your loss. 

Permalink Reply by Kimberly on December 5, 2013 at 6:56pm

Thanks. We are fighting it. The police in my hometown are not known for solving anything really. Unless there's a confession. The whole way it was handled...we'll probably never have all the answers we want but hopefully we'll get some. Right now cause of death would be a step in the right direction. The ME wasn't even an actual doctor.  Sorry I could go on and on ranting about the incompetence of the authorities there. Small town.

I'm working hard to not fall into a deep depression. I started going to the gym again. I have to fight panic attacks sometimes but I'm managing. I'm so sorry to hear about all your siblings. I gotta say it's a club I'd rather not be in myself, but having a place where people understand I think is good.

Permalink Reply by Caryn Hersh on December 5, 2013 at 8:00pm

Kimberly
I was given some advice on over coming the anxiety attacks that I had never heard before. Count, but not like 1, 2, 3 count by 3's or something that you actually have to think about. It takes your mind out of where it was and makes you concentrate on something silly. It sounds kinda stupid but it does help.

Permalink Reply by Kimberly on December 6, 2013 at 12:32am

I'll have to try that. Luckily no panic attack tonight but that might help. There's a breathing exercise I do but that doesn't always help that much. I'm going to try counting next time. Thanks. :)

Permalink Reply by Sandra on January 8, 2014 at 10:55am

I lost my sister to suicide 5 weeks ago. A good friend who's father also took his own life 20 years ago told me not to concentrate on the complexities of her death and to try to remember the good times. I struggle with that because we tried everything to bring her out of her depression but I am at peace with the fact that her pain is over.

Permalink Reply by Caryn Hersh on January 8, 2014 at 11:20am

Sandra,

I am so sorry for your loss. It's good to realize that they are out of their pain, that's what I do for my brother. I lost him in February 2013. I am approaching his 1 yr. anniversary. Unfortunately you will have many ups and downs ahead of you. Try to focus on the good memories and the fact that their pain is over. You will begin to navigate a "new normal". This is a great site to turn to with many people who know some of the feelings you are experiencing and won't judge you. You are in a safe place to say whatever you feel. I hate to say it, but welcome to the group, a group you never wanted to join, but now you are in. Luckily the people here are so kind and giving, you'll wish you could've met them some other way.

Permalink Reply by Sandra on January 8, 2014 at 12:16pm

I hate trying to explain that before my sister struggled with depression she was the strongest, most ethical and dependable person I have ever known. She loved life and treasured her family and I still can't believe that because of this illness she chose to leave us. In the last year my sister has suffered horribly with severe depression. We were fortunate enough to have family members who are well connected medical professionals and she was immediately given excellent mental health care, something not available to the vast majority of patients in need. We were not strangers to this illness. It wasn’t enough, despite our greatest efforts we still lost her. In truth we lost her a year ago when she became ill. We need to stop hiding this illness and increase resources/funding to patients and families in need. The general public thinks that people who kills themselves are weak and selfish and my sister was the polar opposite of that when she was healthy.

 

Permalink Reply by Caryn Hersh on January 8, 2014 at 1:40pm

I know exactly what you mean about trying to explain to others. So many people say to me that my brother was selfish & took the easy way out. Hardly! My brother suffered from depression all his life. Looking back, I feel he was bipolar and never diagnosed. I was actually just diagnosed. My brother left a journal that his wife found, it was from when he was in his 20's, he was 45 when he took his life, he mentioned suicide every couple of pages. It really sucks, my brother and I were both physically abused by my parents growing up. Neither of us sought help. I was lucky I guess. He had one failed attempt about 7 yrs. back that involved a loaded gun and he ended up pointing it at a NYC police officer who for some reason didn't shot him but got the gun away from him & my parents hired a high powered attorney & it got resolved as a gun turn in. It should've been a mandatory jail sentence for an unregistered unlicensed weapon. You would've thought some type of therapy would have been part of the sentence but nothing. There were so many cries for help that went unanswered. Its really amazing you can have all the help in the world or none at all and still have the same result. But it is ALWAYS worth giving it your all. I think that maybe with the right therapy/meds maybe my brother might have been okay but we will never know.

 

Permalink Reply by Sandra on January 8, 2014 at 4:25pm

I'm so sorry to hear of the tragic life you and your brother have lived. It sounds like he suffered for a very long time. My sister was very different, she had a good life with a pretty good sucesfull marriage, they had one daughter later in life that they both adored. Debbie suffered a brief episode of depression 16 years ago and attempted to take her life with pills, we found her in time. With medication she was healthy and happy for 16 years until last year when she crashed hard and basically crawled into bed. Her lovely daughter married a great guy that we all love and shortly after they landed from their month long honeymoon in Paris and Madagascar my sister hung herself in the garage of her home. Her therapist tells us that in her mind she waited to make sure she didn't ruin her daughters wedding or honeymoon. Now all that her daughter will ever remember of her honeymoon is what she came home to. It is so frustrating because she had excellent care from the day she started feeling depressed and still the Dr's all told us they did not believe she was at risk of hurting herself. It is a horrible disease and so hard to help someone in that desperation. We talked every day and she was very open with me about how she was feeling but I somehow knew 6 months ago that I wasn't going to get her back. This illness can go so deep that all the therapy and meds in the world can't help some patients. 

Caryn Hersh said:

I know exactly what you mean about trying to explain to others. So many people say to me that my brother was selfish & took the easy way out. Hardly! My brother suffered from depression all his life. Looking back, I feel he was bipolar and never diagnosed. I was actually just diagnosed. My brother left a journal that his wife found, it was from when he was in his 20's, he was 45 when he took his life, he mentioned suicide every couple of pages. It really sucks, my brother and I were both physically abused by my parents growing up. Neither of us sought help. I was lucky I guess. He had one failed attempt about 7 yrs. back that involved a loaded gun and he ended up pointing it at a NYC police officer who for some reason didn't shot him but got the gun away from him & my parents hired a high powered attorney & it got resolved as a gun turn in. It should've been a mandatory jail sentence for an unregistered unlicensed weapon. You would've thought some type of therapy would have been part of the sentence but nothing. There were so many cries for help that went unanswered. Its really amazing you can have all the help in the world or none at all and still have the same result. But it is ALWAYS worth giving it your all. I think that maybe with the right therapy/meds maybe my brother might have been okay but we will never know.

 

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