My brother killed himself on 09/11/2013 and I just found out about it.  I feel like my life will never be the same.

I feel guilty because I was not there to help him.  I get mad, cry and I am so mixed up.  I just can't face

Christmas!  I want it to be all over.  Evelyn

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     Sometimes I am mad because  no one told me and then I think GOD must have a reason that I didn't find out!

Evelyn, i'm sorry for your loss. I lost my brother on Oct 2, to a drug overdose and although I'm sure it was accidental, it still hurts that he did this to himself. I have been having a hard timedealing with the Holidays also. It just seems so unimportant in comparison to the pain. Like you, I wish i could have been there to help with his struggles and the guilt weighs so heavy sometimes that it seems overwhelming. So far, the only advise I could give is to take one day at a time and do the best you can to get through the holidays. God bless

Hello Evelyn-

I am so sorry for your loss.  Although our situations are not the same, I too along with so many others are grieving this Christmas-often for many of us the first Christmas without our loved one.  Please take care of yourself and keep writing on this site.  I have learned that while we cannot change this past we need to go forward.  But it is so hard-I agree.  Take one moment at a time.

Karen

I am so sorry for your loss. You are sort of correct, your life will never be the way it was, but you can find a new normal. Unfortunately, that is what I have had to do. If I may ask, how is it that you just found out of your brothers' suicide? One thing I was told that has stuck with me and has helped since my brothers' suicide is that their mind was made up, they were looking for something to blame it on, it could've been because it was raining, or you looked at them funny or didn't look at them at all, you called to often or didn't call enough, it's not your fault. They made the decision. And that decision sucks. And unfortunately all of us get to pick up the pieces , they are out of their pain.

My brother died Feb. 5, 2013. I have cried more tears than I thought one person could cry. I started out so mad at him, how could he do this to me ? to his baby? to his friends? It had nothing to do with any of us. He needed a way out of his pain, he couldn't see any other way, I wish he would've called me, but he didn't. I wish I would've known how deep his despair was, but I didn't, he didn't let on. I'm not a psychic. I knew he was depressed but I knew he loved his baby (he was 15 months at the time of his death) and I thought he loved his baby more than he wanted to die. I thought he would live for him. I was wrong.

Please stay on this site. Express your feelings, no one here will judge you as most of us can relate. This site helped me through so many days & nights when I didn't think anyone could possibly understand how I was feeling. 

 



Caryn Hersh said:

I am so sorry for your loss. You are sort of correct, your life will never be the way it was, but you can find a new normal. Unfortunately, that is what I have had to do. If I may ask, how is it that you just found out of your brothers' suicide? One thing I was told that has stuck with me and has helped since my brothers' suicide is that their mind was made up, they were looking for something to blame it on, it could've been because it was raining, or you looked at them funny or didn't look at them at all, you called to often or didn't call enough, it's not your fault. They made the decision. And that decision sucks. And unfortunately all of us get to pick up the pieces , they are out of their pain.

My brother died Feb. 5, 2013. I have cried more tears than I thought one person could cry. I started out so mad at him, how could he do this to me ? to his baby? to his friends? It had nothing to do with any of us. He needed a way out of his pain, he couldn't see any other way, I wish he would've called me, but he didn't. I wish I would've known how deep his despair was, but I didn't, he didn't let on. I'm not a psychic. I knew he was depressed but I knew he loved his baby (he was 15 months at the time of his death) and I thought he loved his baby more than he wanted to die. I thought he would live for him. I was wrong.

Please stay on this site. Express your feelings, no one here will judge you as most of us can relate. This site helped me through so many days & nights when I didn't think anyone could possibly understand how I was feeling. 

Evelyn

I found out because my sister-in-law (his second wife) had moved back to her  to the town where

she lived before she meant my brother and she said she wishes my brother was with her.  I thought why isn't Bob (my brother) with her.  I couldn't get her on the phone so I looked up his first wife's number.  She just told me that my brother had died and that his sons had tried to fine

me.  I had moved and they didn't have my new number.  His second wife Pat did but for some reason she didn't call or tell me.  I had been emailing brother, in fact I emailed him the day I found out.  He had answered me for awhile but  would not answer sometimes because of health problems.  I had talked to him about 2 days before he killed himself and he sounded depressed.  But I never thought he will ever due it.  I was so upset with just the fact that he  had passed away , my nice called his wife to see why he died and she told her that he had killed himself.  I really feel apart then.     I just can't get my life together.  I get mad at Bob for doing this and then I cry because he felt so bad.    Evelyn

I have read some of the notes that other people had written and it helps .  When I read then it feels like I wrote them because hey are going through the same things that I am going through.  I really appreciate being able to join this group.

Evelyn,

The holidays are very hard, especially the fist one, or the first of everything. A year ago I was watching my sister die, at times the pain is unending.

 

Please don't be hard on yourself, there really wasn't anything you could have said, or done to change your brothers mind set. You would have been doing too much or not enough, of what ever you think might have made a difference, he had made up his mind to end the pain he was living with.

 

Take it one day at a time, and know that not wanting to celebrate anything right now, is a very normal feeling. It's hard to put on a happy face, when we are not happy. Wishing you some peace during this season.

Gwen

 

 

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